New Years Eve

when I was in high school, I started a tradition of writing in my journal every New Year's. I'd go through each month and mention something significant that happened.
This year, there was hardly anything significant. The year seems to have blurred into my husband being busy with work and having deployment dates pushed back three times, and endless days with the kids taking me on a roller coaster of every feeling they feel. Looking back its hard to even find any positive monuments in 2010. There were plenty of happy times and joyous moments, but the milestones this year were a different kind.
I joined an in depth Bible study in Feburary, studying the book of John. It was amazing to see things in a different light, things I'd studied and even memorized years earlier. I learned new things about the Holy Spirit and His role in my life, and about the way God views us as His sheep.
In March I enjoyed two getaways, one to the Women of Faith conference in Des Moines, and the other to Tennessee to visit my sister at college.
In the spring I tried my second attempt at gardening, yielding a very small harvest but learned a lot along the way.
The summer was another re-write of four weddings and a funeral (round 2, if you remember back a few years). This time it was family getting married. we enjoyed three beautiful weddings. Both of my husband's cousins who live in town hitched up this year, along with brother #4.
The funeral, of course was Grandma's. I still think about her. Just yesterday I found a picture at my mom's house of her in her crazy folding hat that she wore the last time she went to the parade with us. She was beautiful, and I hope that my life has half of the impact hers did on the world.
My brother deployed, which has made for many times with the empty chair at the family's table staring at us all. I miss him, and worry about him and find myself terribly concerned for his mental and physical welbeing.
Late in the fall, we made a big step on our house project by closing the building permit on the attic remodel. It's been an eternal project, and it still isn't finished. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm eager to begin 2011. I think the political state of the country is going to continue to be a big issue, and I'm fully expecting everything to get worse than it already is. But, in our little world, there are many joys and wonders to still to experience.
Earlier today Daniel played an old Twila Paris song on the guitar, "God is in control". I felt the truth deep in my heart.

This is no time for fear
This is a time for faith and determination
Don't lose the vision here
Carried away by emotion
Hold on to all that you hide in your heart
There is one thing that has always been true
It holds the world together

God is in control
We believe that His children will not be forsaken
God is in control
We will choose to remember and never be shaken
There is no power above or beside Him, we know
God is in control, oh God is in control

History marches on
There is a bottom line drawn across the ages
Culture can make its plan
Oh, but the line never changes
No matter how the deception may fly
There is one thing that has always been true
It will be true forever

He has never let you down
Why start to worry now?
He is still the Lord of all we see
And He is still the loving Father
Watching over you and me

watching over you...watching over me..
watching over every things..
watching over you..watching over me..
every little sparrow..every little things...

Happy New year everyone! I love you all, whether I know you or not. Thanks for reading!

Christmastime

We've been busy the last few weeks. I'm kind of ready for things to settle down, but given hubby's work schedule, that's not going to happen for a while. But, here's what we've been up to (not in chronological order):


JJ's first Christmas opening presents. She wasn't too excited about it. I'd give her a gift and she'd say "noo." Then I'd open it and she'd grab the toy from me and forget what we were doing.

Black velvet jumpers $2.99 each. Red shirts=hand me downs Matching girls smiling for a picture=priceless. (This was before teh Christmas Eve service).
We made a gingerbread house together a few weeks before Christmas. You can't see a lot of details in this, but that's probably really good. We went with the Aldi's brand this year.
#1 Made a manger scene with her stuffed animals. There's a tiny baby Jesus in the middle. The doll is Mary and the cocker spaniel is Joseph I guess.
Christmas program at church. This was the last year dressing up as little angels. She LOVED it and actually sang this year. "Ring those bells, ring those bells..." That's her BFF to the front right, and two friends' boys on the left. And a pastor's kid on her direct right. It was awesome. I LOVE watching kids sing even if mine isn't up there.

You might notice #2 isn't really in most of these. That's because she's hard to take pictures of. And she mostly just whine and throws fits when we're trying to do activities, rather than participate. Since she's not even 2 yet.

There would be more but I haven't pilfered my sister's camera yet, so I guess that's all for now. Merry Christmas everyone!

What the Heck

Just feel like saying this. Why is it, after like FIVE years of having something posted up on this blog, I am just NOW getting hits and comments about it??

Baby Born to Die

It's been busy around here lately. I'm hoping things slow down soon. I think they should this week. Christmas plans are coming together. My sister gets home tomorrow from Tennessee, and my older brother might actually be able to come home too. He still doesn't know. My family might still go to Montana, though, depending on what the brother does.
I have my packages and cards sent, and just a couple more presents to purchase. This year my in-laws decided to spend time together instead of getting gifts, so we're traveling up to a resort in Wisconsin for a couple of days after Christmas. The kids will play in water parks and we'll hang out together. It should be fun.
Every year there's some song that really captures what I've thought about, and that I don't get sick of hearing after two times. This year I've listened to Bebo Norman's Christmas album a lot. I love his voice and the quiet folk sound, and I love that he uses hammered dulcimer and mandolins, and changes songs into nifty little tunes. There are two songs I like best out of his originals. This one kind of captures it for me. What Christmas means somewhere in my heart, beyond warm feelings and family time and little candies and cookies and wrapping papers and awesome movies. I have to dig it out of there and really think on it, but this helps me do it.

They never knew a dark night
always had the Son's light
on their face
Perfect in glory
Broken by the story
of untold grace...
come that day

Majesty had come down 
Glory had succumbed now 
to flesh and bone
In the arms of a manger
In the hands of strangers
that could not know
Just who they hold

Chorus:
And the angels filled the sky 
All of heaven wondered why
Why their King would choose to be 
Be a baby born to die

And all fell silent 
For the cry of an infant,
the voice of God
Was dividing history
For those with eyes to see,
the Son would shine
From earth that night

Chorus 

Bridge:
To break the chains
Of guilt and sin
To find us here 
To pull us in 
So we can join in Heaven's song
And with one voice around the throne

Chorus:
All the Angels filled the sky
And I can't help but wonder why 
Why this King would choose to be
Be a baby born for me
Be a baby born 
Be a baby born to die

A Winter Tale

I was probably seven years old. We lived in a farm house that my folks rented. While we used the home and the yard, the farm around us operated by Ed Hynek and his family. We were used to having livestock on the property. Dad used the old chicken coop to raise his own goats, and we had a dog. Otherwise, the rest of the livestock was owned and taken care of by the landlord.
On a night after another storm had ripped through, dropping a foot of snow and temperatures down to the zeros, we all stayed in the warm little house together watching movies.
Then the landlord called. He'd asked my dad if he could take care of the animals, since he was snowed in behind drifts.
Mom had kept us inside all through the storm and the next day, saying it was too cold to go out. But now, Dad had said we could go help feed the cows with him. We bundled up in everything we had--extra pants, socks and shirts. Then snow boots, snow pants, thickest coats, mittens and hats. A hood on top of that. And a scarf to tie it all down.
A lot of the details have faded in my memory, but I'll always remember how still and quiet it was. And the stars were out in the black sky, and there was nothing to see or hear in that stillness but snow. It crunched under our feet while we tromped to the barn.
And then the welcoming scent of animals, and the windbreak of the giant white barn. There were two or three barns on the property but we weren't ever allowed to go inside of them. This was the cow barn. Today we climbed up the ladder to the hay loft, and Dad hoisted a couple of hay bails down to the cows below.
I don't know why I remember it so much. Just how cool it was that we were even outside, with negative thirty temps was amazing enough. And then I got to see my dad be something he normally wasn't. It's cool when someone has these hidden talents and smarts that most of the world doesn't get to know about. Mom told me that Ed liked having us live at the house because Dad knew how to handle animals.
Something about these winter storms and the still cold nights that follow always remind me of that first one I remember, bundled up from head to toe, face against the wind, headed to the white barn with my dad and brother. It makes me warm inside, even while I shiver.

Christmas is coming!

I'm not the sort of person who becomes a sappy basket case over Christmas. I haven't been on the edge of my seat since October, waiting to throw in the holiday CD's (still haven't pulled them out), or bringing up boxes of decorations (haven't pulled them out either). But I love it for the simple pleasures, and really don't care about most of the things the general population thinks are so great. So, here are some ways I plan to enjoy this "season".

Church - I just like being at church this time of year and thinking about Christ and the beauty of His Mystery revealed to us.

Packages - I like putting together packages, and this year we have the usual overseas relatives, along with my little brother. Today I got the idea to send him a miniature Christmas tree to decorate (along with xbox controller, candy and hand warmers)

Giving - We have several opportunities this year to get gifts for families who need them. Our class at church is collecting a giant Christmas dinner and gifts for a whole family. And our church is participating in The Advent Conspiracy again this year, which is really awesome. Maybe I'll write more about that another time.

The Missionary Tree - We're doing something new this year, with our little 3-foot tree. I had different missionaries we know and support send a memento from their country, and we're going to use them to decorate the little tree. I also got a garland with globes on it and some extra ornaments with Bible verses. I'm hoping it will be a good thing for the kids to remember our missionaries who they never see. And for me to remember to pray for them.

Decorating - We don't go crazy, but I like to haul out the small decorations we have because they're all full of memories. Plus, it's a great excuse to get organized with the rest of the house and clean it all up. Yesterday I cleaned out the corners of our living room, where things accumulate for no reason.

Poetry - It's not like there are books full of Christmas poetry, at least not ones I enjoy, but I do like to listen to the words of songs and appreciate the deeper meaning behind them. Really, if I made a confession, I'd say how much I HATE Christmas music, but that's mostly because it's nine songs played over and over in whatever genre and mutilation is conceivable. This year, I'll be reading some Tennyson to try and find a good Christmas poem.

Cold Weather - That's about all there is to say about it. I just love it. and all the things it comes with (except for putting up stupid shrink wrap over the windows). Hot chocolate, fireplaces, sweaters, mittens, rosy cheeks, shivering. Scraping the windows. Snow. LOVE IT.

Well I'm sure there are more things, but that's my list right now. What about you? What do you love to do at Christmastime?

Thanksgiving

Yesterday I didn't get a chance to post, on account of being a tthe in-laws all day. I'm so blessed. My family gets to join my in-laws so I don't have to be torn between the two families for Thanksgiving. We had a really nice time this year. The food was good, as usual. But of course, the company we kept was the best. It was a little more sparse this year, but I really enjoyed having time with everyone.
Missed my brothers like nuts. I miss Nathan and Shelly of course, but I've gotten used to their being gone. I really missed my little brother. I cried a lot. In the shower first thing that morning, realizing I would go and watch the parade at my folks' house all alone.
Then we sang at the in-laws, and he's always there every year during hymn time and requests a few songs. I bawled through "When the Roll is Called Up Yonder" because it's always been one of his favorite.
I missed him again today. It's just a lonely feeling when someone who's always been a part of your life isn't there. Harder yet when you know he could die any day. (Hes in Afghanistan in the middle of nowhere and doesn't have showers or computers or internet access or phones. It sucks).
So. That was Thanksgiving. But I had a really good time being with everyone, and I love them all.

Masks

We started a new book in my small group. I'll probably be writing about it a lot. I'm leaving in five minutes to go discuss the new chapter. It's called "Beyond the Masquarade" by Julianna Slattery, and it's about authenticity and what it looks like for a person who walks with God.
The first chapter just discussed masks, how we all have things that we use to cover who we really are. Things we hide behind to keep people from seeing into our hearts. some of them are good things, like being "the helpful one" or "the girl who always smiles" or "a good leader". Those are good attributes, but not healthy when they become so much a part of our identity that we are unable to seperate ourselves from them. When we use them to put up walls between ourselves and others.
I've been thinking about what my masks are this week. It's been hard, really. Partly hard to think of anything that really is a mask. Partly hard just because, no one wants to expose the depths of their soul. Even to herself. Looking deep inside oneself requires an honesty that doesn't come easily. And usually the result is change, which isn't always pain-free either.
So. That's where I'm at now. I'll probably write more in the next week, but life is just really freaking busy right now. I want to spend more time doing this, but it's hard to squeeze it in. Since it's last on my list of priorities.
Anyway, enough about that for now. Hope you're all having a great week, and that you enjoy your holidays.

My New "Friend"

Today my father-in-law took me to the gun show. I didn't know what was going to happen but he told me he wanted to get me an LCR for my brithday/Christmas. Because he's awesome. And I was a little jealous of his own revolver.
This is my new friend. :) I picked this one because I liked the handle fit better. Since most guns are made for men. And it's light-weight, which was really nice for a wimp like me. It has laser sites built in and dual action trigger so I don't have to worry about much if I ever need to use it. Which hopefully never ever happens.I just had to share my joy with someone. And ignore that this is a link. I don't really know why blogger thinks it is.

Nothing much to say

Last week was busy and full. My brother-in-law visited from Asia for the week, so we all hung out a lot. Late. One night he was over and played guitar with my husband. So we were up late singing and talking. Another night he was over and played computer games. And we played bananagrams too. I don't know why I play games with him. We just argue. Another night the whole family was out, which was great. My newest sister-in-law and I got a chance to talk which was great. We planned a skiing trip. :D It was really nice to be together with Nathan too.
It was a good week. But kind of wore me out too. I love that guy, but we get in weird arguments with each other.
I want to write something fantastic tonight, but I don't have anything to say. I'm in a writing mood, but none of my projects are interesting to me right now. And I don't have any great new ideas yet. I tried twice to write a couple of articles for a mom's group newsletter, and they thoroughly sucked. I don't know what's wrong, but I can't seem to focus or think clearly lately.
And I don't feel like reading much either. I've finished a couple of shallow novels, and I have these other nonfiction books on deck, but I can't really focus to read them.
This is just boring rambling but my writing sucks lately so I don't watn to try to put together a meaningful post because it would suck. Maybe later this week.
Times like this I wish I played piano so I could sit and get out all of my artistic angst. Oh well. I think I'll just go to sleep instead.

School Busses and Snowball Fights. And the Dukes.

I grew up with brothers on both sides of me. One two years older, one two years younger. My sister came along when I was seven. So, much of my early childhood was spent playing with legos, guns, and cars. I didn't have barbies until I was about 10. I never owned strawberry Shortcake or Ponies or anything like that. I was at the mercy of my BFF for those things when I stayed at her house.
I was remembering today what we used to do. How my older brothre and I used to play the Dukes of Hazard outside. we'd roll down the windows in the Buick station wagon and hop in. We had a CB radio... I think my folks actually had a real one, but it might have just been fake. Anyway, it was real good fun. We also played the A-Team and probably MacGyver.
My younger brother was different. When i was home with him while my older brother was at school, we played with toys mostly. We loved our Little People, and that was probably what we played with most. We also had this Tupperware bus that came apart into a school, and it had a playground you assembled as well. We played with that a lot too.
I don't suppose that's super relevant. But I've been thinking of my brother, because he's been deployed and will be in Afghanistan for the next 9 months. I think that I was fortunate to grow up with brothers who actually liked me and hung out with me.
We played board games a lot, and still do. And there were the snowball fights. After Dave hit his growth spurt, he was six foot four. And every year, it got harder and harder to dupe him in the snowball world. He's a formidable foe.
Sometimes he calls me up when the snow just starts to melt and invites us all out for a snowball fight. I don't know why I bother, because we get clobbered.
This post doesn't have much of a point. Except that I'm going to miss him. He's always around. He drives an hour down from college to be there whenever family's in town, for birthdays or holidays or whenever he feels like it. And this year, there will be a lot of empty nights at the folk's house this year. Even though we all argue with each other, I think we're about as tightly-knit as it comes.
I just hope that those years of A-Team, Batman, and Cowboys pays off for him some way in the battle field.

I Spy with My Little Eye

A pumpkin pie!
Okay. Lameness. We grew a garden this year, and most of it, I really just screwed up. I accidentaly uprooted the peas right after they started producing; I didn't think the carrots so they were all grainy and dry; the spinach got eaten by rabbits and didn't taste that good anyway; the watermellon didn't even make it past sprouts. The corn got blown over by a bad storm, and I lifted it back up and propped them up with wires, but then the bugs got to the corn when it sprouted, and then the ones that made it got attacked by racoons and hail. So. The one thing that made it and overflowed in abundance were pumpkins. We also had asparagus but since it was the first year, we couldn't eat them. They just had to sprout and spread and then they'll grow back every year.
I don't even like pumpkins. We had a lot because I thought the transplants weren't going to make it, so I planted extra seeds in the mounds, and then they all made it and overgrew the entire garden.
Anyway, all that to say. Today was rainy and windy, so I thought "what a great day to use these pumpkins!" I brought in a couple, but after doing the work with two kids on one of the pumpkins, I decided that was enough work and not to do another. The seeds are slimy and I don't even like them but my husband does, so i kept them to roast later.
I baked the pumpkin and scooped out the pulp with the help of my three-year-old. Fiasco. Blended it, and then followed a recipe to make a pie.
I love pumpkin pie, but I don't love pumpkin. Dessert shouldn't taste like vegitables. I like the canned kind better. Ha.
But my husband likes it. The kids will like it too. So I guess it was worth it. but too stressful to really do it again. If anyone wants to try their own, I have two pumpkins left. :)

The AWOL Blogger

Augh! You know what drives me nuts? when people start a blog and don't finish it. Not a blog entry, but an actual blog. Like... you find this great reading and you really like it, and then it peters off and doesn't exist anymore. No goodbye. No referral to another site. Just no more posts. I hate it! Just complaining.
I had a friend who was writing this great story on his blog. Then he stopped and never finished it. Drives me nuts!

Getting off [my butt]

So. Lately I've been realizing how "unmotivated" I've been. And realizing how Christians re-label things that are actually sinful, making them sound less so. Such as the aforementioned example. Laziness? Yeah. That's me. I'm freaking tired. And I hate how messy my house is and the general chaos around me, but I'm lazy and don't fix it whenI have the chance, and then I live with it longer, and it actually becomes a bigger problem and more exhausting to deal with.
And I've noticed that it seeps into every area of my life, when I let it take over in one. Like, if I'm too lazy to clean my house, I'm also too lazy to go do my Bible study or play with my kids. And when I'm too lazy for things like that, I get exhausted rather than energized by those things, and then I'm even more lazy about everything else in life. I stop putting forth effort in anything, actually. And then I sit and take naps and really don't get a lot done.
So. Here's the thing. I've been kind of convicted actually. To stop calling it "unmotivated" or "tired" and just call it lazy. And, in calling it that, realize that it's wrong to be lazy. Not only is it stupid and makes me into a more worthless person, but it's actually something God doesn't like. This "word of wisdom" came to mind:

Proverbs 6
⁴ Allow no sleep to your eyes,
no slumber to your eyelids.

⁵ Free yourself, like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter,
like a bird from the snare of the fowler.

⁶ Go to the ant, you sluggard;
consider its ways and be wise!

⁷ It has no commander,
no overseer or ruler,

⁸ yet it stores its provisions in summer
and gathers its food at harvest.

⁹ How long will you lie there, you sluggard?
When will you get up from your sleep?

¹⁰ A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest-

¹¹ and poverty will come on you like a bandit
and scarcity like an armed man.

Of course we don't see it like that in our society. But I think I want to. I want to be industrious and useful and make the most of my time. Not with things that are outside of my abilities and desires, but with daily things I need to do and with things I do enjoy.

So that's all I have on that for now. Just felt like sharing. Maybe I will share my steps of action next. Because I have some. And one includes getting off the computer more often. :)

Innocence and Dreams

This was supposed to be posted last week, but I got busy and then I was sick so I'm just now getting a chance to say it. Sorry. I know you all hang on my every word.

On Infant Loss Remembrance Day, you get to think about the baby or babies you lost. It's a bittersweet thing, because it's hard to remember those few precious moments, and yet, it seems as if so many things try to push those memories out of your mind as every year passes.
When you lose an adult child, or one who's lived a few years, you have so many more memories. So many more unfulfilled dreams and mementos left behind. And no one expects you to "forget" or "move on". They don't tell you "at least you have other kids" or "God just couldn't stand to be separated from him, he was so special" or stupid things like that (they think of other stupid things to say in that situation).
When you lose an infant, what's mostly lost is innocence and dreams. You lose the innocence of sweet thoughts and baby bundles and all of the cute things you do when you're pregnant. You lose the innocence of a good night's sleep, and of daydreaming. Because you know all of that can be gone in just a few moments.
And you lose your dreams. When a baby is born, he is just a big bundle of potential. You get to wonder about what they'll like, who they'll marry, what their personality will be, which parent they'll look like. And, as they grow, you see those thoughts and dreams and questions fulfilled.
When a baby dies, you don't even get a glimpse of those things. You just wish, and wish harder for it all to come back. For the chance to wonder and imagine.
The site I pulled that butterfly from is dedicated to remembrance of little ones. She makes butterflies in the sand, because the beautiful creatures are never around for very long before they float away into the sky and you never see them again.
But a baby never truly goes away. Don't ever look at a woman who lost a baby and think, "She's probably gotten over it by now." Once a mother, always a mother. Once a dream, always a dream.

Lap of Loser Luxury

So... I really don't have anything to say. Two weeks ago and several weeks prior to that, I went into "work widow" mode because my husband started having to put in late hours at work. He had a big demo for the big military folks and other customers and they weren't ready so it was rush rush rush. Now that let up for a couple of weeks, but I think it will pick up again here soon.
So, I've been filling my time doing what any self-respecting housewife would. Eating chocolate, gallivanting around the city on random errands that really could have waited, and, at night, watching seasons 5 and 6 of "Little House on the Prairie" and "Star Trek the next Generation" while indulging in frozen cookies from Schwans. Don't hate. It's just wholesome entertainment.
So.
Today I went to Half-Price books and picked up a stack of books. Two in a series I've been reading over the last few years, and then, because of my aforementioned television interests, 4 Little House on the Prairie books. I've wanted to have them around for my kids anyway, but I thought it would be fun to read them. Takes like a day. I haven't read any of them since 4th grade, I'm pretty sure, so I guess it wouldn't hurt.
Today I amused myself by thinking of Douglas Adams quotes to insert into daily life. "LIfe. Don't talk to me about life. It's too depressing."
It isn't too depressing, in fact, it feels pretty good.

And this is a really random post.
I deemed this week "Significant other week" because we got to meet two of our siblings' "others". Brother #5 brought a girl home for the weekend and took her to a house-raising party that we were at (think 7 brides for 7 brothers. Only there were three brothers there and a dad. And then another family of 8. Yeah. We have a great time). So I got to meet that lovely lady, and again at a family meeting we held at Taco Bell on Sunday, in which we discussed Christmas plans. She didn't discuss. She just watched us. Fortunately (?) only 2/3 of us were actually there, so maybe it was less intimidating. She didn't seem intimidated, anyway.
My sister got home on Sunday with her boy in tow. I met him for five seconds when I visited her last spring. He impressed me then, and he seems like a pretty great guy in 3 hours time too. Tomorrow we're all going to the apple orchard together and having Chinese at mom's in the evening. It should be great.
That's about all I have to say. I just felt like it was time to check in and write something, since it's been a while. Now you know. Life just ain't too exciting around here.

Things I Don't Say on Facebook

Don't take this seriously, OK? This is totally tongue-in-cheek since I post a billion things no one else cares about. But, sometimes... often... I just have these thoughts:

Why did you just "like" that? What difference does it make to anyone if you "like" that or not?

No, my kids aren't my world. I have plenty more going on in here than just them.

I think we've heard enough about your health issues.

Yeah, I opened the door this morning and felt the weather too. Thanks, Captain Obvious.

You hate snow; you hate rain; you hate heat. Why do you live in Iowa?

Go to bed, you idiot. All you're going to post tomorrow is how tired you are.

I don't care what you ate tonight. Really, it just makes me feel bad that I only made mac and cheese for my kids.

Please. Keep that to yourself.

You do realize that all 452 of your so-called "friends" just read that?

Hey, depression is your own issue. Don't take it out on me.

Facebook is NOT a good platform for political debates. I'd actually rather not know your opinions. Really, it's true.

Poking is pointless. So very, very pointless.

Facebook is also not a good platform to promote your business. Unless you want to make a business fan page. Then it's OK. An occasional post is fine. But I'd rather hear about your life. Oh wait, that's your kids. I read that on one of your random "likes" that I didn't care about.

Why are we even "friends" when we ignore each other in real life?


OK. The sarcasm must stop. I have to reign it in or it gets out of control. Anyone want to add something? I think it's funny.

Losing friends (angry rant. I apologize ahead of time).

I can't really think of any old friends who I stopped liking. Plenty of them have stopped liking me, though. I don't really know how it happens, but I think somewhere along the line they realize how boring I actually am and find someone who they like better.
i mean, I can remember all of the times it happened through the years with almost all of my "best friends". And I hate it! I just want to complain about it, so don't keep reading if you don't want to know.
I know it's the natural course of relationships to move on and make new friends and whatever. What bothers me is how easily I'm replaced. I hate being the back burner friend, but so often I'm the one people put off, knowing that I'm lame enough to always be available and want to pick up where we left off. But eventually I think they realize that life is going fine without me in the picture, so... on to new and better things.
Before you tell me I'm imagining, let me just lay out some scenarios. True stories from my life.
1) Third Grade: Best friend is in a different class and actually asks me if it's OK with me if she plays with other kids during recess.
2) forth grade: They made a new class mid-year by taking out kids from every class. The only kids from my class that I was friends with were moved, and they really never talked to me again.
3) Seventh grade: My whole group of friends close off the lunch table to me and stop inviting me to do things with them. True story.
4) Eighth grade. Friend who has been close friend and family friend since third grade decides to be popular, thus leaving me in the shadows and completely ignoring me thereafter.
5) Ninth grade: the only friends I had from middle school both wanted to seek their fame in high school. After hanging out a little first semester, they made better friends and never talked to me again.
6) Ninth grade: I left the church, and the one guy I ever really liked and probably would have dated eventually called me up to argue about it. Unresolved argument. He never called again.
7) First year of college: Best friend, very best friend I ever had, has some biff with me that she never shared. I'm kind of dense and didn't realize it, and kept trying to call her and chat online, and i think she actually started hating me all the while. She came out of the closet and didn't tell me, and I guess i did something terribly wrong that year because I think she truly hates me. It breaks my heart because I really loved her.

Those are real examples, completely unexaggurated. I don't know what the "thing" is about me. I can't tell if it's an ideal problem, because a lot of clsoe friends I had shared the same values and then moved away from them. What pisses me off about that the most is that I WASN"T THE ONE WHO CHANGED yet they put words in my nmouth and thoughts in my head and decide what I think about them, personally, just because I might not agree about some new idea they've adopted. Yes, I'm opinionated. No, I'm not a hater.

Or maybe the problem is what I've always suspected. That people find me dull on almost every level. Or that no one gets me. And really hardly anyone really does, but I'm not a picky friend. I just like to be called once in a while or sent an email, or invited to do something. I don't mind being the one to initiate even, but after about six tries, I get discouraged and just can't get myself to be rejected again.

So if you ever wanted to know what my deepest source of insecurity is, that's it.

Whole and Wholly Loved

To scarlet, my lovely friend with a broken heart:

you go home and cry yourself to sleep
aching from the loneliness
and all of those scars that keep burning, even when day is done.
You know how alone you are
even when you're with the people who know you best
and you hurt.

Then for once in your life you met someone
who saw past the outside
into your soul, knew your true beauty came from within
rather than just the painted smile and intellectual eyes
you felt the connection
because he was the only one
who really knew all of you
but let you be OK there anyway
and didn't mind the mess.
He valued you for all of you
not just pieces or parts of the whole.
but saying goodbye is all you can do
when reality hits home.
and there you are
picking up the pieces
painting your masks
wishing that for once it would have worked.
you mourn losing him
when you never had him
and what you really miss is who he made you be
and what he saw in you that no one else could.

The loneliness consumes you
in the darkness of day
and you chase shadows of what's real
because it's all you think you deserve
but the secret of love is uncovered with patience
and some day
there will be someone who sees all of you
and likes what he sees
the mosaic of heartache and strength and loveliness and longing
and maybe then you can take off the mask
and be the beautiful you
with all of the creativity and depth you were meant to show.
but for now, you have to hold on to the one who couldn't have you
because it's the only glimpse you really have
and that's the shame of these broken lives
missing pieces of their heart
you shouldn't be one.
You should be whole and wholly loved.

Who is Chew?

For starters, he's the guy in the back left of this picture. (And that's me in the front right. Seventh grade. Bad hair day. Great day in the annals of Kristin time.)
He was also my Bible quiz coach, a man who noticed me and appreciated me, and just one heck of a man. We celebrated his work in the church today at a retirement party. While I was there, reminiscing with friends and looking back at the history of this great program, I came to appreciate Bill Chew in an even greater way. Because he made Bible quiz what it was when I was there.

I hated youth group in middle school. I was at best, completely ignored. One night we broke into small groups to do some stupid worksheet, and I was in Bill Chew's group with another quizzer. I wasn't in Bible quiz yet, but when I answered one of the questions, he invited me to join the team. I'd wanted to ever since I'd seen the 1988 team do a sample match in church before they went to nationals. I jumped on board, and had no idea what I was getting into.

What I got into was amazing. For once, I was good at something. What I did on the team mattered. I mattered. And that was what I loved the most. I happened onto a banner year with a good team of two who needed a third, so I got to be third. For two more years after that, I stuck around, memorizing the Bible and competing with other teens in the state and region. I loved it. I have those trophies up in the attic in a box, and whenever they resurface, I spend a moment reflecting on those great times with my friends. And how Bill Chew didn't care about winning and losing and who had the most points, but about kids studying the Bible and falling in love with it. How his big goal was to teach us to learn it for ourselves. How he knew that God's word would not return void.

What sticks out to me in my memory was how people--especially kids, mattered to him. Even the ones who weren't on his team. You wouldn't meet a friendlier guy. I always felt welcome on the team and encouraged, yet still challenged to keep working harder. Today one of the moms spoke about how he was a role model, a solid, grounded man of God who cared and sympathized. I think when I was quizzing I took it for granted. Because he was a great coach. We all agreed on that today.

He will be marked in the pages of my life as a significant part of my spiritual growth. The things he taught stay with me. And so does the Word of God.

This was my team the last year I was there. A great group of gals, so fun to hang out with. I miss it so often, and I can't wait until my kids can join the ranks of Bible geeks!

And this is Grace

So I'm writing tonight. Not here, well... here, but I'm also working on my story. And in the midst of it, I realized that this has become a theme in my life the last couple of weeks: Grace.
I was talking with a friend about meds for mood disorders and other mental illnesses. Some people think you shouldn't take them, and just have more faith that God will heal your sore sick mind. I'm more under the impression that you can't always control what your hormones and chemicals are doing, btu if you can use some synthetic chemicals to help balance things out, you'll be more of who you were made to be. and when you're who you were made to be, you're fulfilled and whole, and God can use you for what He always planned.
It doesn't sound like the two thoughts connect, but I think I can make them. See, what i'm discovering while writing this story (which personally I think is going to be really good) is that God's grace is intended to be a part of every aspect of your life. Not now, but the past as well. And the future and the daily boring things and the big events that change who we are, and all of the in betweens that may or may not seem like they matter.
They matter.
Because every one of them is an opportunity for us to see God's grace at work.
On top of that, if we can understand how His grace saturates our own hearts, then it is easier to extend grace to others. Our pastor talked about this a couple of weeks ago. How you can't go and help out people living in poverty unless you understand that without God's grace, we are all doomed to poverty. Because poverty isn't lack of funds or things or abilities. It's the lack of relationships.
I like to think that my life is pretty much perfect. That I do things right and I deserve the good things that happen. And when I get in that mind set, I forget that I owe it to God. He's given me so much more than I deserve (grace). When I'm in that mindset, it affects how I see others. And when I deserve what I have, others deserve what they have, good or bad. When I'm not worthy of God's grace, neither is anyone else.
And when I realize that it is a gift to me, then I can freely bestow it on others, realizing that it all comes from God, who gives without ho9lding back.
A Sara Groves song says, "this is grace, and invitation to be beautiful".
I think, when we see Grace for what it is and how it fills our hearts and lives, we become who God wants us to be. We become more whole. We become free. Beautiful.
But it's an invitation, because, the very nature of grace demands that it isn't forced upon you.

So what's that mean for me? Constant reminding of God's gift, and the sacrificing love of Christ. What's it mean for you? You decide. Are you going to accept the invitation to be beautiful?

Old Thresher's Reunion

Every Labor Day since I've known him, my husband talks about going to the Old Thresher's Reunion. It's basically a big museum of old farming equipment that is assembled by thousands of different owners who bring it to the grounds once a year. It's sort of got the atmosphere of a fair, with funnel cakes and a crafts hall and a grandstand with shows. but it's mostly centered around old machinery.
I'll say, it was better than I expected. but the parts I found interesting were NOT the parts my husband likes. But we took the kids and picked up my folks on the way down and spent half a day there for fun. We had a nice time. Here are some pictures.


Arlene liked looking at the steam powered tractors. Daniel liked them more.
We rode one of the trains. There are two that circle around the premesis. It looks like one from the old west, and they do a train robbery show every hour. We weren't on one of the robbed trains because we figured it would scare the kids.

This is just a sample of the crazy things there are to see there.

Long walk back to the van after a long day. Arlene loves Grandpa.

Leadership

Have you ever wondered what it is about some people that always gets them appointed to be in charge of things? Is it good leadership skills that are some how obvious to everyone they meet? Being likeable?
I don't know why, but it bothers me sometimes. Why are certain people chosen over others? Do you have to be flashy to make the right impression?
I'm thinking mostly in the church, but it happens everywhere. I think a lot of the reason it bothers me is because I'm jealous. But partly because I feel like I have gifts that are completely overlooked just because I'm not outgoing or showy. And I get it. Especially in "real life" like working. Flashy beautiful people get chosen, even if there's someone just as qualified.
But it's not supposed to be like that in the church.
I've been thinking about it way too much. And I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, because I go to a really great church. Maybe I just don't say enough when I should, or know the right people or talk to the right people about what I want to be.
Or maybe I come across as boring and plain and that isn't what people prefer when they're choosing leaders. I get it. I was usually one of the last kids picked for the team. But I don't want it to be that way my whole life.
Nor am I willing to be someone different.
If I ever get a book published, I bet I'll get chosen for all kinds of things then. Because then people will know that I'm actually really articulate. And I love public speaking. And I'm artistic and witty and sarcastic and deep and spiritual. Oh, Someday, come soon, will you?

Growing UP

I just read an article about how young people today are hesitant to "settle in" and get married, and even when they do, it's all about how they feel and how happy the other person makes them. Wondering what people think about that?
i had a thought about how that works. Why young adults these days have no work ethic, are irresponsible and in general would rather not settle in and become a productive member or society (speaking generally, of course). Of course there are a billion factors and exceptions to those generalizations, but research is showing these trends.
I wonder. If the reason young adults don't want to "grow up" is because they didn't have happy childhoods. I think kids these days "grow up" too fast. They take on a lot of responsibilities because of absentee parents, and whatever expectations they have. They seem to be ruling the roots, as it were, and so as they grow up thinking they're the one in charge, the reality of "real life" comes as a shock. They're already tired of feeling responsible and in a backwards way, raising their parents and family, so they're ready to let loose and play for a while.
It's just something I wonder about. I'm interested to know what others think. I'm not speaking of specific individuals or families. Just general trends that I've noticed and read about. I have lots of opinions about it, but I'll spare you.

At Grandma's House

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As I mentioned before, this does no justice. But I loved her.

At Grandma’s House

8.31.2010

In my mind’s eye
I always remember you
there on the porch in the middle of the night
passing out blankets and telling us where to sleep
and me tucking myself under that scratchy wool
inhaling the coal dust and warmth
In the morning there were pancakes
for lunch we had soup
and always, forever, homemade bread

You kept your little poems and articles
and letters from the war
and piles of paper in that office
that smelled of newsprint, rubber bands and books
And your stories of people you’ve met
and days gone by
the childhood you had
not colorful, but still interesting all the same
your words enthralled so many
and I was your granddaughter
sitting at the table
listening while you told
the past so alive in your sharp memory

Your voice was so gentle
your words were so kind
and I remember you there, holding my baby
singing softly “rock a bye”
the same voice that sang to me
and all of your offspring
four generations there.
How I miss those moments
and those things

All the ways I remember you
It’s so hard to say goodbye
because it seemed, I never knew you well
you weren’t a peer or really a friend
you were my cherished Granny
who traveled a thousand miles to visit
by train by bus or car
who gathered us in under the wing of prayer
and kept us, no matter how far.

You didn’t have a lot of things to give
but I cherished every gift
and you gave your love so fully
so gracefully you lived
always thoughtful of others
taking time for even the least
the mark you made will carry on
living deep inside of me.

stress

I was thinking about going to the doctor to find out if I'm having anxiety issues. Then I decided that maybe I should just take care of them myself. Way to add another thing to the plate, K.
I've been trying to exersize and eat healthier. I had my thyroid tested and it was normal (just had to check).
But I still feel like crap. Like I start my tank at a quarter full every day and then there's nothing left when I get done. By supper I'm ready to pull my hair out.
I think part of it's the teething toddler who likes to throw fits and make everyone feel her pain. and the whiney 3-year-old who seems to be having teenage angst all of the sudden. And my husband's stupid job with stupid managers who keep making promises to customers that no one can keep.
And me and the bad attitude and negative thoughts that swarm around me all the time. It's a little overwhelming these days.
Tonight we were visiting with a friend who's a missionary with the Navigators. And through the course of the conversation, I just realized how un-focused I am. How self-centered I get and how that makes the stress mount up to unbearable amounts.
Tomorrow's goal: Renew my mind. Put Christ back at the center of the universe where He belongs and stop worrying so much about my heart. Absorb His grace. Be transformed.

I'm thinking of starting a new blog. Call Bad Rap. And it will be a collection of bad poetry, written by myself and others. I think it would be hilarious, although insulting. But people like Doctor House, don't they?
Here's my first sample, written by me in about 3 minutes. Because I obviously have nothing profound to say today.

Sore Throat

I don't want to gloat
but it only took 3 days
to rid myself of the sore throat.
And in that time I spent on the couch
laying there, saying "ouch ouch ouch"
The house became a mess
the weather got nice
and yet I felt the bed entice.
Now my back is sore
my kitchen smells like blore
and I have chores galore.
But it only took 3 days
for the sore throat to go away.

Sick

Went to the doctor today and found out I have strep throat. So I might not write for a few days, since I feel like crap-e-ola. I haven't had strep since I was 18. I used to get it two or three times a year, but it hasn't been so bad lately. I'd forgotten how terrible it makes you feel. So this is me. Signing off. Have a good weekend.

More Writer's Block. And More Mitch McVicer too.

Does anyone else have this problem, where you want to write something meaningful about a significant event, but because it means so much, you can't ever get what you write to say the right thing? I've had that problem a few times. Usually with poetry. I want to write something about my kids, and it never comes together.
When I lost Grace, my creativity re-awakened in a new way, but I could never write a good statement like I wanted to, a beautiful poem that did honor to it all.
Same with my grandma's death. It doesn't help either that she was such a fantastic writer. I wanted to write something in the style she used, but it hasn't quite come out. The idea's there in my head, but the words get tangled and mushed.
I know I'm not the only one who has this problem. I think Mitch McVicker did after Rich Mullins died. He put out a couple of albums before he wrote the song for Rich, and I think it was because he wanted it to say just the right thing, honor Rich's music and memory. I love it because in the background you can hear a hammered dulcimer through most of the song, but not until the end does it become really prominent. It just reminds you or Rich then.
I know you probably hate me posting lyrics, but I'm going to anyway. Because one line in this song reminds me so much of my grandma that I cried the first time I listened to it after she died. And it's the best I've got, since I can't seem to get it together just right.


Rich's Song

If you chase the horizon long enough,
Then you just might lose the dark
And you found the light or maybe it found you and I'm sorry you had to part
Until I think about where you are
You stepped behind a veil and then you just went on in
But you were here for awhile and that was such a gift
Do you know what I'm meaning?

Chorus
I'm sure you smile a lot more than you ever did before
And I can hear you laughing and carrying on from here
But this world took it's toll so you went on through that door
And I could tell it all was drawing near
I just had no idea it was so close
But He was always calling you home
He was always calling you home

And I've never known who heard His voice
But I'm almost sure you did
You had a way of hiding it,
But you walked along with Him
Oh, do you know what I'm meaning?
As I put words to your life they seem to come up short
Words meant a lot to you,
But you are so much more
Chorus (twice)
From the day that you were born
He was calling you home
From the day that you were born
He was calling you home
He was calling you home
He was calling you home
You finally made it home

Coffee Talk

last night i went to the women's ministry kick off at church. I hate the idea of a ton of women gathered together, but my friends were going, and I like having a chance to meet older women in the church too. So I went and sat.
There was a lot of talk about helping each other and passing along our skills and knowledge to younger women. That was kind of the theme of the night. It got me to thinking, though. I really have a desire to do that. I love the idea of teaching, and I think I'm a good teacher. I don't have a lot of skills or knowledge, but I've always wanted to be a "mentor" to younger women. I love kids, especially teenagers, and some day I'd like to be involved with teaching and leading them.
But I don't have a lot of chances to do the things that I really want to. And I think it's mostly my fault. I'm not really outgoing and I'm slow in conversation. So the words that flow so eloquently out in writing don't come to my brain until after the conversation's over. But when I'm talking with other girls and kids, the truth that comes out in my heart doesn't come out in words until it's too late. I wish I could just speak the truth and make it sound more appealing than I do. Instead, I just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind (which is usually right) but I think people blow me off becuase of how I talk. I don't know. I think that my thinking that people blow me off makes me less eager to say what I want to, too.
But that's my problem, I guess.
Sometimes, though, I feel like the "prophet without honor" in her home. It's probably just my imagination, but sometimes I feel like people at church have a hard timet aking me seriously because they knew me when I was a kid. Or because they know my parents, they think that they know me or assume (subconciously) that I don't have as much to offer as my folks do, so I'm not worth taking seriously.
Last night, they talked about how everyone is an "older woman" who has something to share or give to others, and I feel that I do, butthere just haven't been opportunities for me like I wish there were.
And that's about all I have to say. It's mostly complaining. I think I need to take this to heart, though, and look for those opportunities to share. To be quicker to say what i think, but maybe say it slowly. I don't know really. I guess maybe I just need to wait until I actually am older.

the universe laughs [angsty rant to follow]

Do you ever feel like the whole universe is saying, "You suck! You just suck and there's nothing you can do about it."
Yeah. I guess this will just be an angsty post about the problems I'm having. I'm hormonal. Let's just get that out there. I'll feel better tomorrow.
Tonight, I'd like to have a couple of drinks and go to bed. I can't even flipping mow the lawn right.
You know, when you are all stressed out about something, and then when that something happens, you think it will fix your stress, but then it just makes it worse? I'm feeling like that now.
I've been stressed lately. I'll admit it. I was already short on extra time because i helped with camp, and then all that stuff happened with my grandma, and I still don't feel like I'm over that even though I should be. And then there was that gun test, which was supposed to be recreational but it stressed me, and I felt better when it was all over. But i've been waiting for this "procedure" at the hospital for months, hoping it would give some answers to what's causing the pain I'm having. I've been to three specialists now. Had a surgery and physical therapy, and I'm still getting vague answers.
and, I might add, in the last year, I've been told I have THREE life-altering health issues, and all three times I've felt ill-informed and left completely alone with the information. Getting pretty sick of it. I don't want them to keep finding OTHER things that are wrong. I want them to fix this one problem before I have babies again.
So I'm discouraged tonight. It's the kind of thing people with health problems experience all the time. But I don't want to be one of "those" people. I just want to have a normal life and not worry about these stupid little things that keep popping up.
That's all I have to say. Good night.

Christian "Music" Rant

I don't keep it a big secret that I don't like listening to Christian radio. I get so tired of them playing the same three songs all day long, and I don't really like the style of music, which is either:

"dark, depressing guy with a scratchy voice singing about all the things the church does wrong but offering no solution"

"Dark depressing guy with scratchy voice singing about how terrible his life is and it's a good thing he's got God tucked away in there"

"Flighty teenage Miley/Britney/whoever copy who sings ditzy songs with cliches about Jesus or about how great her life is now"

"Rock band with nothing to say who can play five chords"

"dude singer who actually writes good lyrics but has a bad voice and can only play five chords"

"Praise music that all uses the same phrases/clauses/words as the other songs"

"Praise music that has absoultel no theme, but is rather a stream of conscious thoughts on God with no melody for the verses and a decent one for the chorus, which you have to repeat three times"

Okay, I guess I could go on and on. And I guess these categories fit any genre of music. But lately I've just been so put out with the shallowness of "Christian" music. On both accounts, lyrics and/or music. I know there are talented people but the ones who are actually good dn't usually get air time. But maybe that's just me. Who am I to argue with radio executive and producers? And hoards of screaming fans.

At the lastconcert I went to, Mitch McVicker said he knew that the world didn't need another Christian musician. "What they do need is truth, so I'm just trying to put those together and reach out."

There's music that I like. There are musicians that I like who even get played on the radio. But it does seemlike the majority of what I hear in church and on the radio fit into the "annoying" category. And annoying doesn't glorify God.

There is no point to this. I just wanted to vent about the radio lately. I was raised on "oldies" and that is my default (although, I could complain about those stations too. They need to get their labels figured out. If it was written in the 90's, it isn't classical rock.)

Success!

I passed my permit qualification! You need 80 points, and I got 80. Barely. But I did! (Thanks to the great instructors who had extra time for me this morning in practice since I was the only one there).

Quitting and Failing

I'd rather quit than actually fail at something. I've heard that's an attribute of a middle child. I don't know, and I guess I didn't realize it about myself. I don't like failing. In high school, this evidenced itself in slacking. Because if I didn't try, I didn't look like I was trying to get straight A's, and then I wouldn't fail if I didn't get good grades. (They were fine; not as good as they could have been).
In the Spring, my husband talked me into excersizing my second amendmant right to bear arms, and we signed up to get our concealed carry permits. [Side note: I hope this doesn't piss anyone off. I'm not doing it to make a point or push an agenda. I'm doing it because a) I believe we should exersize what rights we have or they will more easily be taken away b) it was something to do with my hubby and he would have done it without me anyway c) If you're going to be near guns, you oughtta know how to use them d) I want to be familiar enough that if I ever am in a situation where I need to protect my kids, I won't endanger anyone unnecessarily. Hopefully that keeps anyone from jumping down my throat. Don't worry. I won't run out on the streets shooting whatever moves, and I won't try to push my opinions on anyone (and please don't try to push yours)].
Anyway, we took a four hour safety class together, and then I took a written test and passed. Then all that was left was qualifying by shooting 8 out of 10 rounds at a target 30 feet away. It's really not that hard. We've been practicing, but it turns out, I'm not super great. I have a left-hand problem, because it tries to take over, and my left eye tries to take over too, and it just doesn't work out great. We went in to practice and qualify on Saturday, and of course my husband scored perfect because he's like that and does perfect at everything he ever decides to try.
I am not perfect. I do not have a burning inner determination that gets me through whatever I want to do. I'm not that smart, and I'm not talented at much of anything, so... naturally, I did not pass my test. (I also missed out on a lot of practice time I could have had because of my grandma's funeral, not to make excuses).
Anyway, it really bothered me. My left hand took over in my nervous subconscious and I started firing with my left finger instead of my right, even though I was holding the gun with my right hand. So all of my shots went to the left, and it sucked.
I want to quit. I don't ever want to go back to the stupid range or put on the stupid earmuffs again. It's really bothering me that I suck at everything I try.
And I know that it's because I don't practice enough or learn well enough or whatever. But it's just crap for me. I don't know why it's depressing me so much. I only have one try left to get my permit, and it's this Saturday. So there are some options that might increase my chances, but really, it's a lost cause at this point. And quitting would be so much easier. Because then it wouldn't look like I failed. And I wouldn't feel that dark, overwhelming sickness that comes when I can't preform as well as I should. I hate that feeling, and I've spent a good portion of subconscious brain effort avoiding it.
Now I need to just face up to it. Because really, I think quitting is a bigger failure than just failing. That probably sounds pithy, but I don't know. I think my generation is full of quitters, and I don't want to join ranks with those who could have, should have, and would have. I'd rather fail legitimately. So I will next Saturday. And maybe, by some miracle or grace, I won't fail. I don't even care if I get the permit. I just don't want to look stupid.
For the record, I will have achieved my goals for doing the course, but... it just ain't the same without the little card to carry around.