Tuesday, November 27, 2012

December 13th

There are now going to be 3 people in our extended family with December 13th birthdays. My baby being one of them! That's the one nice thing about having to have c-sections. You can know ahead of time. (Although I still secretly hope I'll go into labor on my own. It could happen).
There are still so many things to organize and a lot of things I want to do. Christmas shopping hasn't happened whatsoever (and realistically won't). I need to keep on top of normal house work and school and every day life too. But I don't feel panicked or overwhelmed. At least not yet.
Just sitting around waiting for baby to pop out. (That's what the kids say happens anyway. They have no idea.)
Today I had my third to last OB appointment.
The count down has been going for a week now. Mostly because my hips hurt and I'm tired of having to pee all the time. And I sort of feel like I should be running around and finishing things and panicking. But it's reall all good. Because babies don't need new curtains and clean walls and cupboards or a well-organized routine. They just need Mommies and Daddies and love. And i think I'll be able to pull that off.

Friday, November 23, 2012

My way or the highway--I mean loony bin.

It was supposed to be a great week. I was going to go to Bible study with the kids, then meet a friend to play Scrabble. I was going to get some maternity clothes to fit me for the last three weeks.
Didn't happen.
We were supposed to spend the holiday with my family, and then go out to the farm with the in-laws for the evening and relax and sing and play board games, and do all of the things we usually do. I was going to get in some target practice. I had it all scheduled out in my mind. My cousin and my sister were visiting, and it was all going to play together beautifully. WE were going to take a family picture while we were all together too.
And I was so excited for a friend of mine to join us for THanksgiving at the farm, singing songs and playing games. My kids were going to play with their cousins and the visitors and they'd all get along. My family was going to join us out at the in-laws and hang around for the whole evening and be there with us.
And it turned out OK. There was food. There were songs. (No board games though). The kids sort of played together and I think my friend had a good time even though things were weird. My family left really early. BUt they were there for some of it. I got to visit with a few people. But it was just off. Everything was off. I felt like my head was cut off, to use a familiar phrase involving a chicken...
I was going to go shopping early this morning and find the perfect bedding for my bedroom, which has long been waiting for "grown-up" bedspreads and curtains. I was going to enjoy some time shopping with other ladies in the family and find some Christmas presents.
Due to no one's fault, I didn't find a bedspread I liked, and I ended up not buying anything at all, and aside from a nice lunch together with my cousin and Mother in law, I wouldn't have really missed anything if I hadn't gone in to town to shop today at all.
Wednesday morning Bible study didn't happen because we were at the doctor's office (Third time in two weeks and today made a forth). I got strep last week. Then Wednesday Jayna woke up with a fever and vomiting. We got our antibiotics and we went home and she has been slowly recovering. But not enough that we could really relax on Thanksgiving. I slept on the couch in case she threw up that night before. I was exhausted the next day. The holiday that I love. The day I'd been looking forward to all month. And I had no control over it.
I thought she'd get better, but she spent the evening here at the house with various adults while i tried to enjoy myself at the stranger-than-usual family Thanksgiving.
Then, we made it home late last night, right in time for the eldest to start complaining about an ear ache. And crying. And screaming. And if it weren't for leftover ear drops from her last infection, we would have been at the ER last night. Thankfully we made it through to today.
Anyway, all of that long-windedness is just to say, nothing's gone how I wanted/planned this whole week. And it has me really stressed out. It shouldn't because none of it has been really drastic or catastrophic. But I think that the last month I've been noticing how much I want to control things. I want it my way.
I didn't used to be like that, but I think it's a new way of handling stress. And it's driving me nuts. It's making me unhappy. And I'm sure no one else really likes it either.
I just want to live in peace and be content and not worry about where the towels go or how the laundry is done. But it isn't happening. And sometimes, the more I try to fix it, the worse it gets.
How can I make things go "my way" before I throw someone out the window?
I don't know. I guess it has to do with letting to more, trusting God more, caring about people more. Worrying about meeting needs rather than deadlines and reaching out to others rather than reaching for unrealistic standards. This month, with a new house, has unveiled, somewhere in my heart, a part of me I didn't realize was so consuming. Maybe it's just been growing this time, or maybe it wasn't there before. Or maybe it's been here all along--the desire to control. To have things the way I want them. And it's starting to get ugly, this battle I'm fighting. So I'm going to say it now, hoping it will happen. I'll lay it down and let God be the ruler and the peacemaker and the standard for everything I desire. Because it's more important that my family feels loved than that I get all of the towels folded.