Are you a Trekkie?

Yesterday my family had to endure a short rant from me about why you can't compare Star Trek to Star Wars. It's like comparing Monster cookies to monster cars. Just because they have the same word in them and fall into the general "sci-fi" genre, does not mean they are, in any way comparable. They just aren't. And that's another story.
If I had to pick one, anyone who knows me would know, I'd definitely pick star Trek though. I don't really get Star Wars. I really just don't get it. I grew up watching the movies and I even saw Episode One in the theater. It made no sense to me.
Star Trek, I get. And I like it. Maybe I've never publicly admitted that. But I grew up on Star Trek. My dad and I used to watch the Next Generation together. And, when the original series made a daytime debut, my brothers and I watched. I saw the pilot of "Voyager" and got hooked. (Although I never seemed to get first rights on picking what we watched on television, so I hardly got to follow any series that I wanted to except for Doctor Quin, but that's just another embarrassing story).
With all of the different series showing and all of the family members interested in their developments, though, I have always had a pretty good grasp on what happens in Star Trek. I know which aliens are which and who's good and bad, and where Captain Kirk is from (i've been there) and I know a little history about each major character. Apparently that's more than most people know.
Apparently I might fall into the category of "trekkie". But I have never worn a Star Trek costume. And I've never gone to a festival or read any fan literature--oh, wait, I think I did read one novel, but it was based on the show. So, I don't know. If Trekkies could be rated on a scale of 1-10, 1 being not very interested and 10 being a complete geek, I'd probably be a 5. There you have it. I'm a little bit of a geek. but you probably already knew that. Where would you stand on the Trekkie scale? I'm interested to know.

Mother's Day

Last year, mother's day ended up being one of the hardest days I'd faced since Grace had died. There was a child dedication at church. Her due date had just passed, and several friends I knew were having their own babies. All of the mom crap they played at church topped it all of, and I left the service crying really hard. I threw myself into the arms of the first person who offered them, my mom's and mother-in-law's good friend Lori. I'm glad she was there, because I didn't look as ridiculous with someone holding me.
So this year I worried about what the day would be like. Grief emotions sneak up on you out of nowhere, sometimes, and sometimes you don't even realize where they're coming from or why you're having them until afterwards. Last week I felt depressed a lot, and I think it might have been because it was just so close to Grace's due date. And, while I have plenty of things to distract me and plenty of things to rejoice over, sometimes that lingering loneliness and pain creep up.
Today, being Mother's Day, I worried a lot beforehand. But it turned out to be just fine. My brother and sister-in-law just got back from a year and a half in Asia (they left the day Grace died, actually). My sister's home from college. And my mom is freaking awesome. Daniel played guitar for church, and there wasn't a sappy mom video or anything that sappy except two songs I didn't really listen to. Then Daniel got out of his obligations for the evening and my mom watched the kids, and we went to Star Trek (after eating lunch with my family).
Then we came home and relaxed in my messy house and I just feel good. Thank you, Jesus.

Trap

Luke 20 (the pharisees plot against Jesus)

Revered teacher
we will trap you in your words
by asking many questions
Because we seek to destroy you
to make you lose favor
in the eyes of the people.
But why?
You're some sort of threat to us and our ways
bringing new ideas
that we can't explain.
And you answer correctly
and show us our error
But we've found inside ourselves a holly terror
because we can all see
that you walk with God
more closely--yes, differently
than the best and the wisest of any of us.

Zaccheus' House

Luke 19 (Jesus invites himself to the tax collector's home)

where the sinner dwelt
Jesus needed to visit
to seek and save
even the lowest of slobs
who everyone hated
the short tax collector
and salvation came
to his house.

Luke 15 (the Prodigal)

Luke 15

Lost things found
we must be merry
it is right.

Who knew who

LUke 13:22-30 (Jesus' response to the question, "Lord, are there few of us who are saved?")

I healed and sang and walked with you
and used your name to drive out demons
but you say you do not know me.
I was there for all the acts you preformed
and I taught there on the streets
but you've shut the door
and said you never knew me
But I don't know how this
came to be
that some how
everything I did
produced nothing.
Now I'm left to wonder:
who is I who never knew you?

Be Ye Ready

Luke 12:35-48 (Faithful servants)

"Be ye ready
for the Son of Man will come at
an hour you do not expect"
But instead I've taken to drinking
and passing off my duties
to those less competent
and my waist isn't girded
and the lamp's all burned out
And I'm afraid I'll miss you
when you come back

Woes

Luke 11:43-54 (Jesus pronounces woes on the pharisees)

Woe to you Pharisees and lawyers
who claim to follow the law
but never saw the truth
and woe to you
who fight with your image
of piety instead of mercy
woe to them
who Jesus called whitewashed tombs
Woe! Woes pronounced
to those who were the leaders
to those who couldn't see
past the plank in their eye
and woe to me
for my loveless faith.

Luke 8

The Touch

Woman, you believed. Somehow
differently than the thousands
who Jesus
brushed shoulders with every day.

Son of Man - Luke 8

Who is this
who commands the demons
like they are pigs
and sends them there instead
of to the abyss
who is He
who knows the storms so well
that he falls asleep
and when he wakes
commands the waves to peace?
Who stands in the throng listening to their needs
healing with words
commanding spirits to flee
so many who followed
so few who could see
the Son of Man
who found me amongst
the lost sheep.

The Rich Young Ruler

(based on Luke 6 - not one of the better poems)

Now you've got me thinking
am I the rich young ruler?
too rich? too full?
Why is it wrong to laugh now?
and for men to speak well of me?
I don't understand the difference
joyful follower or mourner?
right after you called us friends of the bridegroom
It sounds to me like being happy is wrong
or maybe it just shouldn't be my goal.

LUke 4:14-30

And they say you were the Great Teacher
but I don't understand
the mysteries written here
how you were rejected in your own land
even after all had marveled and testified
was it because you were Joseph's son?
or maybe because really, you weren't?
And then, though they seized you,
you still went on your way
How can it be?
Fully God, fully man
yet so few could see.

John The Baptist

For your reading enjoyment, I will be posting a series of poems written while I studied the book of Luke last year. They're sort of raw, but I like most of them. I'm hoping that I'll have a chance to study more and fill out the missing chapters and significant parts for which I didn't have any profoundness to offer. But for now, let's begin with Chapter 3.

Did you wander in the desert
to get their attention
and eat off the land
because you had no choice?
Why did you have to be so different?
a radical
a sign of things to come
a shadow of truth
producing fruit
and keeping with repentance
Making the way for the King
And why you, among all others--destined
the greatest of those born of women.
How did you understand
when no one else did?

And did the Spirit pass from you
to Him in
that holy moment at the Jordan
Behold my Son
Behold the Lamb

You knew. You foretold
your kin--a cousin to you, but still more
Savior of all mankind
The fulfillment of all the law and the prophets
and you dunked him in the water like all the others
as if he had anything to repent.

Treasures

Sunday night at 10 pm, Daniel and I were sitting on the couch watching the series finale of Battlestar Galactica (pretty good, by the way), when a knock came on the door. A friendly kind of knock. It's always a little unnerving when someone knocks that late, but Daniel opened the door cautiously to see what the stranger wanted. There stood a middle-aged man wearing a bseball cap. He'd had a few too many drinks, evident from his slurred speech and strange behavior. But he wasn't threatening. He told us this had been his grandparents' house. After a friendly interrogation to make sure he wasn't making it up, he told us that he just wanted to see the shower in the basement because he'd left a hotwheels up on the cement rafters and he wanted to see if it was still there. Straange. He'd left lots of things around the house, but of course, when we got it (sold by the owners' estate) there hadn't been anything left behind. (although we did find two very old picture books under the floor boards upstairs, adn the grandson assured us that there were hotwheels up there too).
It got me to thinking, though, about how kids treasure things differently than adults do. When I was a kid, if I had a treasure, I often would hide it. Or put in a place for safe keeping. One time I spent about a week working at cutting up a golf ball with a hack saw so I could see what was inside. I cracked it open like an egg and found an endless ball of rubber bands. I stuck all of the pieces in an egg carton and hid it behind a bush out by the shop. I think my brothers found it anyway.
I can still show you the hiding places at my parents' house. Probably, if I could still crawl into that one crawl space, we would find some of those treasure that, as I had grown, were left forgotten, waiting to be found by some curious children in the future.
I had this pringles can decorated to look like a nutcracker. We made them in forth grade. I used it to store all of my "treasures", which was an actual collection of things I'd found. Nothing special AT ALL. Literally, things I'd found lying on the bus floors or buried in the pea gravel on the playground. This plastic ring with an Egyptian mummy, a keychain clamp, a polished rock, things like that. Stupid things. But they were mine and I treasured them.
Now that I'm grown, the things I treasure aren't so much tangible things. They're people, of course, and relationships. They're memories and letters and photographs mostly. I can't really store them in a Pringles can, but I don't want to forget them. Which is why I've kept around notebooks full of stupid stories from middle school, journals and photo albums. I remember now, but I might not in twenty years.
What about you? What are your treasures? What do you do to keep them close to you?

Writer's Lament

It's a windy, rainy, cold night, and I'm sitting here alone (well, not alone, but without adult company and with two sort of sleeping children, which is about as alone as I ever get these days) for the first time, it seems, since Jayna was born. This is "free time", I suppose. I should go and change out laundry loads or clean my really messy house, or at least start the dishwasher, but instead, I'm sitting at the computer, waiting for emails and facebook updates. It's a big waste of time, really.
I want to write. I've been trying to squeeze in a few minutes a day to work on a short story but it's making extremely slow progress. I usually finish a short story in a few sittings, and then edit it later. No luck this time. It's a very inspired story, but I have such short incitements of time.
While this was all happening, I got an email from the Christian Writer's Guild. It's the alumni newsletter, telling about all of the people who have gotten published thanks to the CWG's correspondence courses. Blah blah blah. People who have extra time, I guess [tongue in cheek].
One of the posts was a girl I actually knew. I met her at the one writing conference I went to, and we got along really well. but after promising to write, she didn't really respond to any of my emails, and she got a job for a publisher and disappeared. I acutally thought she might have been a publisher-spy who goes to conferences and plays nice and steals peoples' ideas when they share them. I don't think she was. She got her novel published. Lucky (said in the famous Napoleon Dynamite voice). It made me antsy and impatient. I want this time of life to be over so I can get on with writing, not to mention enjoying my life.
It's not like I don't have material. I probably should start sending out letters and meeting publishers, because I have more novels finished than I could ever publish (unless I meet a fantastic agent or someone who wants to help me get them all in print). Whatever. Maybe I'll enter a contest and win my way to fame and fourtune. That'd be fun.
I'm rambling now. This post has no point, except to express my lamentations. I wish... I wish... I wish... And I hear the mom's voice in my head saying "don't wish your life away", and "if you want it bad enough, you'll work for it". So that's all I have to say. Good night. I must go change a pooopy diaper and fold some laundry now. Hello life.

Catching my Breath

Things have been pretty crazy at our house. I really didn't expect a second baby to be so much more work. I don't know why. Jayna is a lot more work than Arlene was so maybe that's the big difference. I did expect big changes, and that we have gotten. :o) Slowly, new things are starting to feel like normal.
Mostly all that's interesting in my life right now is what I'm reading. Since I'm feeding Jayna so often, I have quite a bit of time to read. I decided to catch up on some of the fiction books that have been on my shelf for a long time. I'm not a super big fan of fiction, but once I get started on a book, I usually want to finish it asap.
Here's a list of what I've read or started recently:
Persuasion by Jane Austin (I'm sorry to admit, I lost interest in the second chapter and haven't finished it)
Troublesome Creek by Jane Watson - I liked it so much that I actually bought the sequel (brand new, which I never do) shortly after I finished it. The sequel is Willow Springs, and good news! There's a third one! It takes place at the turn of the century, and it's a story about a girl from the Kentucky mountains. In the first one she's mostly just growing up, and it's a series of little stories about her and her family. In the second one, she moves to the city and it's about what she does there with her husband. I'm really good at synopsies, aren't I?
Along Came Jones by Linda Windsor - The writing style was really annoying. I'd started the book several times and not gotten interested, but this time I decided I'd finish it. It's about a lady who gets stuck in Montana after being scammed by her boss who's actually ripping off a big drug lord. She has to escape and ends up finding refuge with an ex-marshall who lives in a ghost town. It's one of those stupid romances, and I really didn't like it that much. Some people would. Mostly it annoyed me because I have a feeling the author hasn't been in Montana or met a real cowboy. (But who has?)
A Family Apart by Joan Lorway Nixon In my opinion, Joan Lorway Nixon is an excellent author. I think she's maybe a little twisted with some of her novels, but her historical fiction is kind of cool. This is a book in the Orphan Train Quartet that I read in middle school and really liked. So I picked it up again. I really liked it again. It's about a family of six kids who get sent to live in the west during the pre civil war time period.

On my To Read List:

A Tale of Three Kings bby Gene Edwards - a friend loaned me his when I was in high school dealing with issues the church had brought into my life. I didn't finish it because I had to return it, but I've always wanted to, so I bought my own copy to read.

The Seeing by Bill Myers - Bill Myers is one of my favorite authors. THis is a spiritual suspense novel in the Soul Tracker series. Not my first pick for genres, but I like Bill Myers, and I think he has some good things to say about creepy spiritual things.

There's my reading list. What's on yours? Do you have anything to recommend?

Never Leave Child Unattended

We've been potty training a little at our house. It's very half-hearted on my part because I don't feel like putting the energy into it myself, and I think if I wait long enough Arlene will figure it out on her own. She's doing a pretty good job.
But recently I noticed that her little potty chair has a note on the top of the seat that says "Never Leave Child Unattended". I find that really funny. First of all, becuse it would be fairly difficult for her to hurt herself on the tiny chair. Secondly, because what parent would leave a naked child who's learning about poopoo and peepee to her own devices? I think it goes without saying that you don't want to leave your child unattended.
But there are those...

Every Girl's Dream

I wasn't the sort of girl who dreamed about raising my own family my whole life. I didn't really want kids until I was holding Arlene in my arms, to be honest. But I sort of figured it was inevitable, what with getting married and all. Something that I did sort of dream of, though, in my years growing up with a couple of close girl friends, was our having kids who could grow up together just like we did.
It doesn't happen a lot. Other things get in the way. I got married several years before any of my friends did. They were finishing college and pursuing careers when I was having kids. Some of them aren't married yet. Sadly, I had Arlene alone in the girlfriend world. (we've since met some friends who have kids about the same age). But I got an extra blessing with Jayna, besides just being able to have her.
My best friend Bethany (I have several best friends, so don't anyone go and get offended) got pregnant at the same time I did. We had the same due date. It was great! So we got to exchange pregnant stories and compare our bellies. And now, we'll get to compare our kids and exchange stories about them. She named her baby Lydia Joy.
Our birthdays are two weeks apart exactly (she was born the year after me), and our kids' birthdays are one week apart exactly. It's not a really big deal, but I think it's great. Even if our kids hate each other, I still think it's cool that we got to share that.

Night Time Soliloquy--The Lord's New Thing

Now that my baby has been born, I've been reflecting on God's promises and power and soverignty and how it all worked together in my life through my pregnancy. For the first and second trimester, I worried a lot. I'd wake up at night to use the bathroom, and if I came back and couldn't feel the baby moving, I'd lie awake, waiting, and worrying what would happen. I'd pray that everything would be OK and that I could trust God, but I don't think I was really trusting Him.
But one night He reminded me of a verse that I've been familiar with for a while. I'd rediscovered it in my Bible study, and it had applied to my pregnancy. so after that night when I remembered it, I would quote it in my mind whenever I worried. It would help me get to sleep.
Isaiah 43:18-19 "Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing. It shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
Well, the new thing has come. After all those nights of remembering the former things and worrying that I would relive them, I'm now living in the new. Not that I'll ever forget Grace and all that happened, but I can praise Him and rejoice that the story wasn't over after she died.
He's done a new thing. It's beautiful to me, the healing that has come through Jayna. New love, new clothes, new ways of doing things. New things all around.

Jayna

I stumbled across the name in a names book, and it said the meaning for Jayna is "God has been gracious". I thought it was really fitting after the year we've had to praise the Lord for His gifts to us--not just children (although we feel that our bundle is beautiful evidence of His grace)--but all of the other wonderful things that we've experienced, despite the grief and sorrow. Plus, it's a pretty name.

Another source I just looked at said that the meaning for Jayna is "Bringer of victory", which is also sort of fitting. Through the pregnancy, I felt a lot of dispair and worry, wondering if everything would be OK and thinking about what would happen to my faith and my life if I lost another baby. In some ways, her birth was victory over those fears and again, evidence that God is in control and is faithful.

We chose the name Joy as a middle name for semi-obvious reasons. We have already found great joy in her precious little life. And not just shallow joy, but the God-joy that fills our lives and takes us through hard times. Our pastor came to pray with us before we had the baby (and before we'd shared the name), and he prayed that the joy of the Lord would be our strenth. It has, and it always will be. And Jayna is a reminder of that strength that brought us through the hardest year of our lives.

New Baby

Facebook won't let me log in so hopefully this will post as a note for all of you who are wondering.
The baby is fine. Delivery was good, but now I have a spinal headache and I have to lie down or it gets really bad, so I'm not really up for communicating over the internet.
I'll write more later. for now, let me introduce our little one

Jayna (God has been gracious) Joy Snodgrass
born at 5:24 pm January 28th, 2009
7 lbs 20 inches (she likes having even measurements)

Pictures to come later when this blasted headache goes away. Thanks to everyone for your prayers and love.

Remembering.

I had a discussion with my friend recently about how to remember the birthday of a lost baby. I didn't really have any good ideas about what to do in honor of that baby or how to make it memorable without being too emotional. I still don't, and to be honest, I'm sort of glad I'm not going to have to think about it too much this year. I'll be spending Grace's birthday in the hospital.
I prayed that I could have the baby before or after her birthday so that it wouldn't be the same day (the 29th). My c-section got scheduled for the 28th, so at least this baby will have her own birthday. But I'm not sure how to feel about it, just that little piece. I'll be so happy to have this baby and love her.
But I can't not remember. And I know I'll be remembering the one who would have been, as I hold the one who wouldn't have. Maybe that's a taste of the fulfillment Jesus brought to Isreal, because I can relate with the words of Isaiah: "...to bring beauty for ashes... the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they may be called trees of righteousness the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified." (Is. 61:3)

Updates

I know not everyone cares to know this information, but some people I don't talk to regularly like to know what's going on, so I thought I'd just put out an update on my pregnancy.

I'm 36 weeks along now. Since 30 weeks, I've been having an ultrasound every week at the OB and seeing the doctor. They wanted to monitor things closely because of previous events, and because I'm on blood thinners. So I do that every Monday, and on Thursdays I take a jaunt to the hospital and have a non stress test to make sure the baby's doing OK.

Today at my appointment, we scheduled a c-section. I'd wanted to try and have a vaginal delivery (v-bac), but given several factors my doctor really recommended against it. There are a lot of details involved there, but mostly the blood thinner thing and a couple other things made us decide to go the surgery route. Unless, of course, baby decides to poke out before the day and do it head first (she's currently breech).

That's really all there is to say right now. Yes, we've actually got a name narrowed down, and no, I won't tell you what it is. Our house isn't ready for another baby, but we can make-shift it for a while until the attic gets finished. If anyone has an overwhelming desire to put up drywall or do some mudding, give me a call. :o)

Otherwise, things are good around here. Lots of good news from friends and exciting things coming up this year!

To Newsletter or to not. (Happy 2009)

We decided to not.
The one year I wasn't pregnant and got around to doing a newsletter was great. I like sending them out to our distant friends and relatives and catching them up on things. While I considered the idea for 2008, I realized that there haven't been any major events worthy of newsletter-type news. So I'll just make a little recap, in case there are readers who are interested in what's been going on.

January - said goodbye to our best friends (who happen to be relatives) leaving for missions; said goodbye to our baby daughter Grace. Discovered I have a genetic mutation that causes blood clots, which increase risks in pregnancy.

Feb - March Shoveled snow.

April - Took a nice little away trip to Baraboo, WI, stayed in a great bed and breakfast and rode roller coasters and bumper cars and go carts. Without kids. :o) (That was probably the highlight of the year for me).

May - Mostly did my best to hide out at home and avoid people. Found out we were pregnant (I think. It might have been in June). Also discovered a second gene mutation unrelated to the first one, which also causes blood clotting. It's a miracle Arlene came out like she did. (And, I must add through the year, she was a source of great joy and wonder as we watched her develop a personality and start being able to communicate better.)

June - Two cousins, a youth pastor, and a Czech exchange student visited for a few days. Attempted to save my parents' basement from the raging Cedar River Flood, which overtook our city and left a lot of damage. Fortunately, my parents' basement has recovered. Some of the things that were down there... not so much. A few things are still MIA meaning we aren't sure if we threw them out or put them somewhere else before it flooded. That water was nasty.



July-August Daniel spent most of his free time helping out with flood recovery. I went to Montana with a sick 1 1/2 year old and my parents. Will not do again without Daniel along. But I did enjoy the fair with my cousins and got to hang out with my grandparents, which is always good.

September-Oct - Daniel worked. A lot. I kept busy with regular home stuff. Nothing very interesting.
Nov - My brother came home from his cruise ship tour and visited. His girlfriend from Peru also stopped in for a week, and we all enjoyed getting to know her also. Arlene turned 2. Got a visit from my aunt and uncle and a couple of cousins I hardly ever see. I wished they could have stayed longer.

Dec - Daniel spent two weeks in California for work. It was cold here, and it snowed a few times. In the middle of his being gone, I went to Minnesota with my small group. We had a great time seeing Triple Espresso and shopping (well, they had a great time shopping. I would have been done after an hour). When Daniel got home, we got to spend a lot of time together as a family and enjoying each others' company. We listened to Christmas music and celebrated together and then with our families. Things were simple this year. It was one of my favorite Christmases since we've been married.

It's kind of been a hard year, which you probably know if you read the blog much. So, we're definitely looking forward to 2009 with a finished attic (hopefully), and a new baby girl!

Chrsitmas Song

I got really close to being able to write a poem the other day, but when I started, it just didn't come out well. I think the poetry is slowly seeping back in, though. It's been gone a while.
But, I like to post something at Christmas that I've found meaningful or deep, and this year it (again) comes from Todd Agnew's Christmas album: "Do you See What I See?" In it, he and his friends sing songs that come from different perspectives of people in the Christmas story and, as he said, "All these people just having a little piece of their puzzle, but knowing that some how that piece of the puzzle has to do with the fact that God has entered their world." I really like it and recommend it.

The song written to Jesus (since it would be hard to write one from his perspective as a baby) is really cool and always gives me goosebumps when I first pull the album out every year. I'll sure be asking Jesus some of the same questions one day.

Did you Know?

Were Mary’s the first eyes you saw
Or did You remember choosing that shade of brown?
Were You surprised at the shepherd’s crazy story
Or did You know You wrote the song the angels sang?

What was this life like for You?

Did You know?
Did the cross cast its shadow o’er your cradle?
Did You know?
Did You shudder each time Your hammer struck a nail?
Did you know?
How much heaven and how much earth
Were in this baby at His birth?
Did you know? Or did you wonder?

Did you remember the brightness of Your glory
Or did You just notice it was cold and dark here?
Did You know Your name or did you have to be told?
Were You just a baby or were You as old as time?

What was Your life like?

Strangely, "Santa" Switched Spells Satan

I needed to include that line as my title. It's from a poem I wrote freshman year with my friends. The assignment was to use alliteration. I think we did great. Maybe some day I'll post the whole poem.
So, I suppose I should give a spoiler warning. This post contains information which may scar you for life, if you don't believe in Santa. (But I suppose I might have scarred you already by calling him Satan).

Anyway, today I was thinking about Santa Claus. My parents never even hinted that he was real or gave gifts to us in his name or anything like that. I was the cruel kid who tels other kids that Santa isn't real with such conviction that they probably went home crying to their parents. but that's another story.
All I was really thinking about was how in the end, parents end up giving Santa all of the credit for their hard work. They were the ones who stood in the cold lines on black Friday waiting to get their Tickle-me-drive-your-car-superstar-creep-me-out Elmo toy, and they were the ones who had to find super hiding spots, and they're even the ones who wrap it up and write "from Santa". Then, they go to all the trouble of making cookies with their kids to keep up the santa facade, and they have to get up at unseen hours to put the presents under the tree, quietly enough that their children don't notice and wake up and have Christmas ruined for the rest of their lives.
It's a lot of work. And Santa shouldn't get the credit for it, since there is no Santa.

Then I wondered what would happen if we so easily gave God the credit for our work and treasures and talents like some people give to Santa. Just thinking.

Cardboard Testimonies

At church last week for the service they did this thing that I thought was kind of cool. Anyone who wanted to could participate, but they had people write on one side of a piece of cardboard something that represented their life without Christ, and on the other side, the wrote how Christ had changed that. Then everyone who'd written something took a turn on stage and showed the first side and flipped the cardboard and showed the other side. There were a lot of things written:
Addicted - Freed
Dead in sin - Alive in Christ
Wanted control - Allowing God to be in control

Things like that. So it got me thinking what I'd write. I mean, I don't really have a "before" Christ because I asked Jesus to be my Lord when I was really young, and I've always loved Him and tried to follow Him. So I don't have a testimony like my dad's (and praise the Lord I don't), but I always feel like I don't have much to say at all when people get to talking about that. I know what I'd be if I'd never known God, but it doesn't seem to tell the same story to say "I probably would have been a bitter loner who wrote depressing poetry and hated most everyone". I know that God still sought me out and saved me, and the same redemptive work was done, which is all I really need to know. But I like having more to say, because He's done so much for me.
I know that God continues to work in us even after we get "saved", so I thought about it on those terms, realizing the things He's changed in me as I've grown in Him and known Him better. So, I'd probably use one of these if I were going to a cardboard testimony:

Know-it-All - Knowing HIM
Lonely - He is all I need
Self-Righteous - Made righteous by His blood alone

I'm sure there's more. What would yours be?

Lincoln's 1863 Thanksgiving Proclamation

This is taken from the collection of Lincoln's papers in the Library of America series, Vol II, pp. 520-521

The year that is drawing toward its close has been filled with the blessing of fruitful fields and healthful skies. TO these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God. In the midst of a civil war of unequaled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in the theatre of military conflict; while the theatre has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union. needful diversions of wealth and of strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defense have not arrested the plough, the shuttle, or the ship; the axe has enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore. Population has steadily increased notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege and the battlefield; and the country, rejoicing in the consciousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years with large increase of freedom.
No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy. It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently, and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and voice by the whole American People. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens. And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence, for our nation perverseness and disobedience, commend to his tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferings in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consisted with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquillity and union.

Ugh.

Well, since it looks like the popular thing to do, I guess I'll put in my two cents about the election.

I'm glad it's over. I'm really upset that "right wing Christian conservatives" thought it useless to go and cast their votes because they disagreed with the presidential candidates. Thanks for screwing over congress too. I'm not worried about the future because I know that God's in control. I'm mostly just annoyed at how ignorant people (on both sides) decided to be, and the mockery these elections make of our political setup. But at least I won't be getting more ads to contribute to my wallpaper collection, and won't have to answer the phone in the middle of nap time to listen to a robot tell me I should vote or take a loaded survey. That'll be good.

I've been having weird dreams lately. Sort of reminesent of that old end times movie "Thief in the Night". They're sort of laughable, though. I guess it's the subconcious trying to weed out everyone's prophesies about the future with Barak Obama as president.

Anyway, I guess my opinion hasn't changed through it all, though. I'm glad that we live in a great country and I'm glad for the freedoms we have, but I certainly haven't placed any sort of hope in political ventures or ideals. And I'm pretty glad I haven't. "Even so, come quickly, Lord Jesus".

Here are some lyrics that express what I think many people are trying to say today.

Crave - Shaun Groves
No magistrate can legislate
Peace and love and hope
No song can end or sermon mend
The fatal flaws in our souls
Pen and paper, Whitehouse won
Will never do what we need done
Chorus:
Can’t give me
What I crave-
Can’t give me
What I crave-
The end of tears and fears and war
Is what I’m craving in my core
Can’t give me
What I crave
What I crave

No millions spent can pay the rent
And get us into kingdom come
No atom bomb could right the wrong
Inside the veins of everyone
All the glitter, tanks and guns
Will never do what we need done

Nothing here beneath the sun
Can make us holy make us one
Only Spirit, second birth
Can satisfy my constant thirst
To spill out heaven here on earth

Thriftiness

I've been wincing every time the cashier reads the total off at the grocery store. Prices aren't ideal, and with the economy working the way it is, there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. I hear a lot of people complaining about it, offering their opinions on how it should be fixed, and worrying about what they'll do if things get "worse". Seems the popular opinion is that the government is to blame. And of course, they are. But I wonder how many of us are contributing to it by spending more than our resources allow, by throwing out things that could be salvaged, by spending more on clothes and food than we need to, or by just buying things that we don't need and can't truly afford.

I definitely fall into that category, way too often. I'd rather just get the pair of jeans full price and have them. I want a nicer house and a nicer car and newer clothes and better appliances. And I want them now. I don't want to sit around for six months, watching newspaper ads and garage sales to find a better price. I want a lot of things, and I stretch my income so that I can have many of them. But our grandparents and great-grandparents would warn us not to be so foolish. They saw what happened when people spent money they didn't have for things they wanted.

And I think we're seeing the same thing. Saving is so undervalued. Maybe we should take a lesson from the Scout Law.

A SCOUT IS THRIFTY, that is, he saves every penny he can, and puts it in the bank, so that he may have money to keep himself when out of work, and thus not make himself a burden to others; or that he may have money to give away to others when they need it.

I wonder how many people think they've got everything in order financially, but will find at the loss of a job or a major expense, that they aren't as set as they thought? Suddenly, the things they're used to buying cost too much, and they don't know how to cut back and do without.

Saving is hard, though. I'm not necessarily talking about making a savings account. I'm talking about making more money available out of what you have. Maybe I'm talking about "penny pinching". I don't understand why people are so willing to complain about how much things cost, but aren't willing to find a way to do without, make their own, or get it on sale. Are they afraid that people will think they're cheap?

Sometimes when I do things to save money, I have that creeping worry that someone will think I don't have enough money to pay for something better. But really, what difference does it make? Maybe I don't have the money. Maybe I put it toward something I like more. Or maybe I am cheap. It's not anyone's business. Being willing to save money in things I purchase for myself allows me freedom to be generous when others are in need.

I know this probably sounds like preaching, and I wasn't planning for it to, but, since everyone seems to be at liberty to express their views on how to fix the American economy and whose fault it is anyway, I think I should be able to also.

The Sunbird Pirates

That title sounds like the title of a book, but it's actually the title of last Thursday. We had a stressful week. The worst part was Thursday morning when we got a call from an area business, asking us to move our car out of their parking lot. Why was it there? We hadn't put it there. We'd left it at another parking lot right by our house (legally).
Long story short, someone stole our beater car (which we got for free) and went for a little joy ride before ripping it apart and stealing everything they could from it. I don't feel like philosiphising about how painful it is to have something like that happen to you, but it's been a long few days thinking about it.
We're OK. We have another car that Daniel can take to work until we get a replacement. The police have the car as evidence and will search it. They're treating this as a crime, same as if the car were worth a lot of money. We should hear more from the security of the place where our car had been parked (they have cameras in their parking lot), and maybe get some clues about what happened.
But, that's about all the update I want to give. It's all really stupid and makes us mad. And, if anyone has a car they want to get rid of for under $800, let me know. And, if anyone has Amy Grant or Steven Curtis Chapman CD's they don't want anymore, let me know (Daniel lost his whole collection).
And pray that they catch the pirates.

Pregnancy

It's been a while and people are asking how it's going, so I thought I'd inform the masses so you can all tell each other and I don't have to. :oD Or you can ask too.

On Friday I thought I was going into labor because I was having painful contractions at frequent intervals. It was OK. When i called they told me specifically what to look for, and as the day went on, I felt better and decided not to worry about it. The weekend was good, but I had a lot of cramps (not contractions, just cramps). So I called today and they called back and told me just to come in and have an ultrasound and they would test a hormone level to make sure I wasn't getting ready to go into labor. The ultrasound looked good, and I really wasn't worried, but I'm the kind of person who does what they're told and then asks questions later. I felt like something was weird because the lady who did the ultrasound had me wait while she talked to the doctor before telling me everything was OK, and then she asked if I had an appointment coming up (it's next Friday). So I was glad, but a little uneasy thinking there was something not terribly urgent that they wanted the doctor to tell me at my next appointment.

Apparently I worry too much. Dr. Pickering called me about an hour later and just said he was glad to see that ultrasound was OK and everything looked great. He's a really nice guy. He said he understood this was probably a difficult time since it's the same gestational week when I lost Grace (25), and he just wanted to check and make sure I was OK. He said the don't be afraid to call thing, and then he added, "We all know who you are here," which I found amusing. He's a really great guy.

So, anyway, things look to be OK in the womb, which is reassuring. I worry a lot, and I don't want to. Daniel's been working really long hours trying to get their project ready for a flight demo, which has now been pushed back a little. They're planning a 2-week-long trip for him. :o( So I have long days, if anyone wants to hang out. And I need to get supper ready.

Playing solitaire all night... with a deck of 51.

So... what's more pathetic? The fact that I felt the urge to share my solitaire score with all of my blog readers?
That my score was actually almost twice that last night?
Or the fact that I'm playing that much solitaire in the first place? (In my defense, my husband is away this week...)

Sometimes I just play the stupid card games so I can think through something. like when I'm writing and need to think of what will happen next or how to word something. It seems like an effective tool. Probably not time-saving, however. I am curious, though, if anyone else manages to win at "Vegas style" solitaire, or if I'm a prodigy and should pack up and go to Vegas tonight to win me some big money?

Politics

I have to vent. I don't think I can make it to November.

One of the first "hard lessons" we learn in life is "Don't believe everything you hear". What I want to know is, if that's the case, and we have that lesson ingrained in us to distrust society so much, then why do so many people believe every piece of media regarding political campaigns? Even if they're just believing what they choose to believe as fact, shouldn't they still be finding out whether or not it's true? Examining the context? Looking for reliability of "witnesses" and credibility of their sources?

I've always been pretty politically interested. I was a history major. I planned to be a social studies teacher. I served as a representative at the county Republican convention, and I have, since age 18, been to the polls to vote every two years. I stood on the side of a highway campaigning on election day when I was in college. And I think I will, in the future, continue to "help out" during campaign years, and fight for whatever causes I believe in. But. I have never been so sick--and sickened by politics as I am this year. I'm really just tired of it. So there. Now you know. If you're planning to strike up a political debate with me, count me out. I don't care anymore. I've decided who I'm voting for based on what I think is important. And I don't think that more mud slinging will change my mind.

What I Should Have Said

Yesterday someone asked me, in a conversation about my recovery from grief, how God had been part of it. I didn't know what to say because I suck at talking and answering deep questions on the spot, but when I thought about it later, I wished I'd said so many things.
One of them being how joy and sorrow are so closely linked, and how it's actually hard to find joy without sorrow or trial. At least for me. I know of a lot of people with deeply rooted joy that just flows out o knowing God and understanding His love.
But I've never been that way. Partly because of my intellect blocking out so many feelings, and partly because I'm not a feely person. Not that joy is a feeling, it's more of an understanding. Anyway, there are numerous reasons for my lack of joy, which has always felt like a problem to me. I wanted it, but no matter how I searched or what answer I thought I knew, there was some piece of it missing. Not that I knew what it was. I mean, I have everything I need for life and godliness through my knowledge of him who called me according to his own glory and goodness. So there should have been joy.
But, there were parts of God I didn't fully know or understand before experiencing tragedy. And I think that so much of Christian joy--the confident assurance of God's provision and care despite any circumstance--is discovered in those kinds of things. Like it says in James 1:2 "Count it all joy my brothers, when you are faced with trials and temptations, for the testing of your faith develops perseverence". Now there is a deeper knowledge of His goodness, His kindness, and His faithfulness, that can't be found in day-t0-day things.

I hope that makese sense. I'm not saying others don't know joy. I'm really just talking about myself, and the healing of my heart.

Be Still

Last night I was paranoid and anxious--very common feelings these days--about my pregnancy. Worried about things I knew I shouldn't worry about. Usually I can move on past those thoughts, but sometimes they come and bury me and I dwell on them and worry grows like a tree that shades my heart and mind.
I hadn't felt the baby move very much that day, even though I'd had an over abundance of caffine, and I was worried something could be wrong. It's stupid, but you aren't allowed to make fun of me. Anyway, when I worried out loud, Daniel prayed for me and the baby. Then, for the rest of the night (in bed, mind you), the baby wouldn't stop kicking. Ahh. That's just what I need for a good night's sleep. And I'm not being sarcastic. I now have trouble sleeping if I don't feel kicking.
Anyway, because of said caffine, I still had trouble falling asleep, so as I lay awake, praying for a friend of mine, and thanking God that this baby is still OK, He spoke to me. Quite familiar words, heard so often.

Be still and know that I am God.

And I realized my lack of faith, which I want so badly to have, is partly because I've been too busy listening to myself think and worrying and fretting, so I couldn't hear His voice speaking in the quiet. Be still. He's there with me, in presence rich and full. And, just like the baby inside who isn't easily felt in the busyness of a day, it takes being still to feel it and know it's there.

On the Exclusivity of Christian Communities

I've read a lot of articles and thoughts about the importance of community, how we're made to fellowship and exist in relationships. Most recently was an article about why so many people appreciate Islam, because of the brotherhood it offers for outsiders.

Clearly, "community" is something big the church has to offer, and perhaps, in this day and age, the most appealing thing a church can offer. But what happens, when there is an appealing community that one so desires to be a part of, but they don't "fit in"? I think that's a very dangerous place for a church or small group to get to. If, in your intimacy and friendship, you don't feel comfortable letting others enter, what's the point of having an appealing community? While it's great to encourage the brethren, our fellowship has a deeper purpose: "By this all men will know that you are my disciples if you love one another". Big deal if they see you are His disciples, but you aren't willing to love the ones who aren't in the "one another" category. By love, I mean accept into your community.

I don't have a specific community in mind. And I perhaps have the longest way to go in improving my including skills. It's just something I've thought about a lot, maybe because I feel alienated so often. Accepted, but not included, as Brian would always say. But it worries me when some people who need that extra family and don't find it in the church. The pain of feeling rejected or alienated can push a person away and cause them to search somewhere else. If you're lucky, it's another church. But I think, in the minds of many unbelievers, all churches are the same. That thought frightens me. That maybe that scruffy blue collar guy who smells like smoke, that unwed pregnant girl, that drug-addicted kid with long hair and ACDC tee-shirt, that estranged couple--they're trying this Christian group this one time, and if it doesn't work out, they'll never step foot in another church.

Not that it's all up to us, but I think that we can at least do our best to not "shun the unbeliever" (sorry, I had to put the Charley reference there. It was too perfect), to push aside our inhibitions and say "hi, glad you're here", or invite a person to your small group, to smile at someone who most people look away from, to be like Jesus and invite the social rejects to come and see who He is.

Fashion Questions

Things I think about when I go shopping:
Why was it, when I was a kid, if I wore pants that were too short, they were something to be made fun of, but now they're cool?
Why do short women and big women get their own section in a store ? What about tall women? Tall men get their own section. I don't think that's fair.
Why did they stop measuring bra sizes with the D? Why couldn't they have had E, F, and G instead of DD DDD and DDDD? I think that's confusing.

Update on Me

I realized that some of you read this blog to get updated on my life, and I don't usually have a lot to say. That hasn't changed, but I don't know who reads this, and so if I don't say important information, you might get passed by in receiving it.
So. Here's the latest news. If you're wondering because you never see me, I "Still don't have a belly", although it portrudes quite enough, thank you. I guess it's pretty small for this phase, but I've never been very big on the outside. I just get all of my ribs displaced as the baby grows.
And now the good news: On Wednesday the 3rd I had my regular 20 week OB checkup, and for ONCE it was good news! The dr. said "What's up with this perfect ultrasound?" My hemorrhage was gone without a trace, and all of the baby's organs were growing like they should and looking good. (In the last pregnancy there was something with the kidneys which became a non issue, but of course it was present in my mind this time around). We did find out the gender, but if you wanna know that, you'll have to ask in person or in email. :o) Needless to say, we're all rejoicing and glad that things are good now.
I couldn't say I'm done worrying since the hemorrhage is gone, since we lost Grace at 25 weeks.
The first week in October might drudge up some painful memories of that. I know the calander doesn't really coincide with anyone else's by my own, but you always compare pregnancies and remember the different phases (or at least I do), so prayers are always welcome.
I suspect after this pregnancy hits that point, I might feel even more at ease, but thankfully, I can always rest assured that we're both being held in Big Hands (not to be confused with Bigfoot). Plus, my best friend prophesied this baby with a dream that she was watching Arlene while I went to the hospital in labor. j/k. Although, she also sort of prophesied Arlene. But that's a whole-nother story.

Writer's Block

If you look back at some of my posts from before I ever had kids, you might be surprised at how much more profound and better-written they were (at least in my opinion). There's poetry, too. But some how, getting pregnant sapped most of my creativity from me. It's really strange. It happened with Arlene first. After she was born, I had some free time with her sitting in the little bouncy chair beside me, and I could write more. Until she started crawling. Then I just didn't have as much time. Now, again, I see, my creativity is lacking in depth and color. It drives me nuts because there's no realy good explanation. Maybe I'm tired, and hormones make me think strangely, but what I'm thinking about today is how I could write when I was pregnant with Grace. I had so many ideas and thoughts and things to get down on paper. I started three new stories and re-wrote at least one.
Even after the still birth, in the depth of my sorrow, I found many things to say and no audience to say them to. Which means my journal and poetry flourished. I wrote some pretty good fiction then, too.
Now that I'm pregnant again, the same creativity halt has been placed in my brain, and I'm out of good ideas. Well... what good ideas I do have, mostly I forget about between running out for groceries and diapers and whatever else, chasing after Arlene, and trying to sleep in my spare time. Maybe I'm just too busy to stop and contemplate like I've been able to in past years. Maybe it's just this phase of life that keeps me stopped up. But even when I've been busy before, I've been able to fit some time in and, the in those blessed quiet moments, I could scribble down all of the thoughts and ideas that had come to me in the busyness.
I hope it comes back. Because I don't really want to write children's books about picking up blocks and eating your peas... and I miss my poetic ramblings. I'm sure you all do too (just kidding).
I don't have much of a point here. I just felt like complaining. And... I guess, whether or not there's a good purpose, I want to keep saying something so I'll be in practice when better ideas pop up. As the saying goes, "When you can't think of anything to say, say it". Oops. Maybe that's not so applicable here.

One of those Days

Maybe I didn't sleep well last night. Or all week. Something today is making me feel really cranky. I think it's my whiney baby. I'm slightly sick. When I made Daniel lunch this morning, I realized that my tupperware supply has diminished significantly in the last six months, and that made me mad. Then Arlene wanted to crawl all over me and jab me with her feet and elbows.
While I tried to fold laundry, she crawled all around and over me, messing up my folds and piles. Then when i went to empty the water from the dishwasher hose, I missed the sink and spilled all over myself and while I changed my clothes Arlene whined at me, worried about the mess on the floor.
I'm not typically affected by other peoples' moods and actions, but this little girl can change my whole day. And today... I feel like SCREAMING.

Not that you all wanted to know that, but I don't have any adults to talk to yet, so I had to say it somewhere. :o)

In Praise of Nostalgic Heroes

Probably, if you talk to anyone, the "best" cartoons that were ever on, were the ones showing when they were kids. I'm no exception. I am sad to say, unlike my husband, I watched a lot of TV when I was younger. Mostly because my brothers did, and I didn't have anyone else to hang out with. We'd go upstairs and sit on my brother's bed and watch two or three hours of cartoons on a black and white TV. Sort of in the spirit of bootleggers, seeing as my parents really didn't want us to watch that much television, and probably wouldn't have liked the shows we did watch. But I digress.

Because I know you're all wondering, the lineup of shows went something like this: The Chipmunks, Chip n Dale Rescue Rangers, Duck Tales, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Gidget and the New LEave it to Bever (last two being guilty pleasures... we were a bit limited, since we only got five channels).

Tonight I was telling my husband which Ninja Turtle was which... and I used the best description written: Leonardo leads Donatello does machines (that's a fact, jack) Raphael is cool but crude (give me a break) Michelangelo is a party dude. I am not ashamed of the fact that, out of all of the shows I watched, TMNT was my favorite. Cheesy, yes. But, as timeless as any. It was so good, they made movies and even updated the show in 2003. I am no longer an avid fan of the heroes in a half shell, but I do hold a special place in my heart for them. If you're ever at my house, I might show you some of my second-grade fan fic written about them. Complete with illustrations. Or maybe I won't.

Anyway, after watching some clips on youtube and telling Daniel about my fond memories, I told him one of the saddest parts of my life is the fact that none of my friends share the great memories of the green adventures with me. They never mastered the ninja skills with little self-crafted nunchucks and swords. They were all busy watching Punky Brewster, My Little Pony and Strawberry Shortcake... or whoever.

There is no real point to this blog. I just want you all to know that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (although chalked full of new age beliefs and eastern religion) was my favorite, and reigns forever in my memory as the best show ever.

Joy

Joy - By Out of the Grey

Some say the face is unforgettable
I'm sure I've seen it many times
Ah, but you know me.
I forget so easily.
I thought I saw you in a Sunday crowd
but then I missed you, in a blur of colored water, full of clouds
like Deja vu, answered you...

They say some day I won't need to see you out
but for now, won't you come and wrap me up inside your presence
we can celebrate if you stay...

I know you make your home in any given light
your vision is so clear you don't see what is not
When I find you, will I catch the cure you've got?

Surely you're not in some distant land
maybe down the block
or across the street
have you always been near to me?

Yesterday I went to the basement to dig through my box of maternity clothes and see if there were any shirts that would fit me yet. I was washed with sadness as I looked through the clothes I had bought last time, some of which I never got to wear.
Grief is full of experiences like that. little things that you didn't think about right away in the emotional times. And then they pop up at unexpected times, all through the year. You deal with them, and move on and often even forget those sad thoughts.

While I stood there, holding a handful of shirts to try on, I thought about how worried I happened to be that particular day, about the baby in my womb. And how overwhelming the feeling of helplessness and anxiety is. Wondering if I'm doing something wrong that will hurt the baby, or if it's going to be OK. But, at the same time, ready for the next phase with a big belly and more anticipation.

Then Arlene poked her head down the stairs and started saying, "Hi, hi, hi hi" and I took my shirts upstairs to try on. And she watched me and said "Oooh," every time I put a different one on.
It's so confusing how often joy and sorrow weave in and out of our lives. They intertwine so easily. And yet, it's the biggest relief to me some days, when it would be easier to sit around and throw a pity party. There is joy to be found. Sometimes we just have to seek it out.

Heaven is a Real Place

God didn't give up on the idea of Eden
as some misguided have assumed
The garden has given place to a city
Where the walk of God with man will be resumed
Paradise is not lost at all!
Let my whole life reflect my belief that heaven
is where I'll spend eternity
That would be something,
something to see
Till death is swallowed up in victory

I wanna live like heaven is a real place
I wanna live like heaven is a real place
in my every day time and space
I wanna live like heaven is a real place.

Charlie Peacock "Heaven is a Real Place" from the album "The Secret of Time" 1990

That song's been running through my mind in the last week as I've thought about death and life and persevering through trials.
Last night I visited my old fellowship group, Marriage Matters. They're discussing First Peter, which I'm also studying with my small group. We talked about God's promises and making them real in our lives and remembering them on a day-to-day basis. When Chris asked how we could make the truths in 1 Peter 1:6-12 everyday reality, I thought about how much perspectives change when you consider heaven instead of earth.

There are a million promises for us to live by here on earth, but at the end of the day, I find my greatest comfort in the end of the story. When I'll walk with Jesus in the place He built for us, and ask Him answers to the questions I couldn't find on earth, and hug Him and know His reality, His true unhindered presence. Where freedom will reign, where there will be no room to doubt or question, where everyone will live in light and peace and joy and understanding.

But, like is indicated in the song, it's hard to live like heaven is a real place, when we're stuck on earth and have to deal with all of the crap of living. I suppose it'll make us appreciate it more, if we'll even be able to remember what it was like here.

Anyway, I've decided that making heaven a real place in my heart and mind is a good step toward knowing God better and living in His fullness. So, I endeavor to live out Hebrews 11:13b-16: They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead they were longing for a better country--a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

My Treasure

Today is Arlo appreciation day. I know, you didn't buy a gift. That's OK. I just wanted to tell you all how much I love my little miracle. I didn't realize when she was born just how much of a miracle she was. Of course it's always a miracle when a healthy baby is born, but it's even more one when you find out what I now know about my blood. She becomes more and more of a joy every day, and I loooooove her guts. Life is so precious. Her life is so precious.

The Anchor Holds

I like music, in case you didn't know that. Really, what I love is lyrics. Poetry is wonderful and when you can put it to just the right music, it's a perfect representation of thoughts and feelings. That's probably why, so often, there's a sort of sound track going on in my mind while i go through life. Having a pretty good memory, there are a lot of songs that stick through years and years and years. A lot of them I wish that didn't, like this morning when I couldn't the Christian parody of "I'm a believer" out of my head. That was annoying. Other ones I've grown very fond of, even though their music is outdated.
I've been thinking of songs that have encouraged me through hard times, and ones I can maybe pass on to someone who's hurting. There's a great list of ones that probably most of you will never hear (because I have a husband who likes old music), and right now, the one that's playing is "The Anchor".
Now, just so you know, I've never been a huge fan of Ray Boltz, but "Allegiance" was the first tape I ever owned, so I have some sentimental attachment to it. And The Anchor Holds is still one of the songs that plays in my sound track when I hurt. The deeper the hurt, the more meaningful it becomes. I think I might even want it played at my funeral some day. So, because I know you all care so much, here are the lyrics.


I have journeyed
Through the long, dark night
Out on the open sea
By faith alone
Sight unknown
And yet His eyes were watching me

CHORUS:
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

I've had visions
I've had dreams
I've even held them in my hand
But I never knew
They would slip right through
Like they were only grains of sand

CHORUS

I have been young
But I am older now
And there has been beauty
That these eyes have seen
But it was in the night
Through the storms of my life
Oh, thats where God proved

Grieving in Fellowship

A couple in our church lost their baby last night. He was five months old.
It hurts so much to know a small amount of how much they hurt. Because I have no idea how heavy that burden is, but I know it's so big. My Bible study group prayed for an hour for them, and it felt like all we could do. It's hard to really know what to do or say when something so terrible happens. You don't feel like your life should be going on like normal when you know someone else's world is falling apart. And yet it has to, like a cruel irony... or a beautiful truth that "to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven".

Having grieved, and having had friends grieve with me, I think I'll list my ideas of how people can help those who are suffering. I don't know how relevant this is to some of you who read this, but probably at some point, you'll have someone who needs the comfort of friendship and family. So here are my thoughts from my own experience.

1) Send a card. It seems trite and useless, but they meant SO MUCH to me to know that people noticed and cared. Sometimes they came from completley unexpected people, and it meant a lot to read their words and the words written on the card. Don't just pick up a random "comfort" car or something. Find one witih a meaningful message. I'm planning to send a card in a couple of weeks, because that was when our stopped coming in and I wished every day that I'd get one in the mail.
2) Make a dinner.
3) Send flowers. I never understood why people gave flowers for funerals, but now I think I do. It meant a lot to just say "we care about you", but they also brightened up the house, which felt so cold and empty.
4) Pray. It's the best thing to do. SOmetimes you don't know what to say but it's OK to pray the same thing as long as you keep meaning it. The same struggles pop up over and over as you grieve, and to know people are lifting you up means a lot. Now, a little side note. I often question peoples' sincerity when they say "I'll pray for you", probably because I know how often I say that with the best intentions and then don't do it. So, if you're going to tell them you're praying for them, try to make it meaningful. If you're committed to praying every day, say so. If you've been paying specific things, tell them. Then they can cling to that when they see your prayers being answered.
5) Find a meaningful gift. It's kind of hard to know what to give, but we got a couple ofthings I really treasure. One is a willow tree angel of rememberence, and another was a basket of flowers that are perennials you can plant into a flower bed. I found a neat website that sells rememberence jewlery for people who have lost children, and there are other ideas like that.
6) Share a verse that meant something to you through a hard time, or one you've discovered and pray for them. OUr words don't always mean a lot, but God's words do not return void.
7) KEEP YOUR DANG MOUTH SHUT. Unless you have an inspired word of God, it's usually best to just not say anything because it usually comes out wrong or can be interpreted wrong. You don't want people to have to convince themselves of your good intention. A hug or an "I'm sorry" go a long way. However nice you think you're being, there's usually room for it to be misinterpreted. I won't list off things that people said to us that weren't helpful, but just think really hard if you're going to say something "comforting".

That's all I have for now. I should probably go and get ready for my day now, since me and Arlene are both still in our pajamas. :o)

Non Events

Sometimes you go into something expecting a big ordeal, and then it ends up being a non-event. A waste of time. Like yesterday. On Saturday I'd had some pain in my thigh that was annoying and hurt quite a bit. Sunday morning when I got up to pee at five, it hurt a lot. When we were getting ready for church, I started to think about the risk of blood clots and realized that people get blood clots in their legs.
So I did what every normal American does and went online to research. Sure enough, the symtoms matched a blood clot. So i called my OB and he said "yeah, if you can swing it, you should get in to an urgent care or er and have them check it out to make sure." So instead of going to church like I'd really wanted, we went to the ER and wasted two hours. It was good to go, you know, but, like most things you worry about, nothing came of it. They don't really know what was causing the pain, and it didn't go away yesterday. I suppose it's a pinched nerve or I slept on it wrong or something.
Anyway it just got me worrying about what that meant if I had ablood clot while on blood thinners, and what they could even do to fix it since blood thinners is the solution to blood clots. but it all worked out and I had no real reason to worry.
The only reason I'm writing all of this is because so many people ask for updates and how it's going and there just isn't much to say. Getting shots at night is interesting but not terribly painful. I'm tired and sick but not as bad with the last two pregnancies. And now my leg hurts. That's all I have to update you on so far.

Trusting

I've thought about writing this entry several times over the last fwe weeks, but always decided to wait. When I went in to the doctor after my stillbirth for the check up, he said "Call me as soon as you get a positive pregnancy test. we'll get you on blood thinners, and you'll have a boring pregnancy." I found out in May that I'm pregnant again. I'm ten weeks along now, and I'll be due Feburary 2 if everything goes well.

So far, it hasn't really been boring. There have been some complications that have been very difficult to deal with after what happened last time. Nothing terribly serious. I found out that, along with Factor V Leiden, I have another genetic defect called MTHFR. It's similar to the Factor V. It increases homocystene levels so your blood makes big clots. I've been taking folic acid for it and they think that's all I really need. I had a hemorrhage that's finally clearing up, so I'm starting lovonox incections today. Lovonox is an anti-coagulant (blood thinner) that's supposed to keep me from developing any clots that would harm the baby. I hope it works.

Being pregnant is always an exersize in faith. You always have to trust God and tell yourself not to worry, knowing that He's in control and He makes the decisions. BUt that's a lot easier to do when you don't have a really good reason to worry. I hadn't really had trouble with it until this pregnancy. Now I'm already fighting the worry and doubt. All the time. I don't wawnt to, because it increases my stress level, blood pressure, etc, and yet, it's really hard to counter it.

I wonder why we fear so many things that are so out of our control... I suppose it's human. And I suppose it's a way to learn to trust God. Last night when I was awake at 3:30, Hebrews 12:2 came to mind: "Let us fix our eyes on jesus, the author and profector of our faith, who, for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the Father." I think it was supposed to be a message, which I neglected to take fully take to heart. I need to just keep thinking about Jesus, and stop worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself.

Me and my Bat

Anyone who's known me for long or been to my house knows that I have a secret passion for super heroes. If you browsed my books, you would find a small collection of graphic novels on the bottom shelf of my bookcase. If you went through my toybox filled with my own toys that I didn't have to share with my siblings, you would discover a collection of plastic action figures and assessories, mostly collected in high school and college. If you shop with me, you find my eyes wandering toward the little caped pajamas that advertise someone who can fly. I like super heroes. I just do.

If you know me, you know who my favorite of them all is. It's no secret to most that I am an avid Bat-fan. It all started when I was a little kid, and they showed the cheesy Adam West Batman shows as reruns after school. What can I say? I liked the bright colors and the sweet theme song. The cool gadgets, the sweet car (which, I might add, resides in our very own Marion Iowa) and the bat ears. I liked it. I put a bat pole up in my tree house (an old garden hose tied to a branch). I spent my free time at school making things that would fit in a utility belt.

My facination with detectives and spying only added to the intrigue of Batman. I saw the movies when I was a little older. And then, a great thing happened in 1992. Warner Brothers produced a new cartoon. The Adventures of Batman. It was an awesome cartoon, and my love for it cemented my admiration of the best super hero ever.

But aside from those superficial factors, I've thought through the years what made me identify with Batman more than, say, Supergirl? Or Wonderwoman or the Flash or Superman? So now, for a glimpse into the darkness of my mind, I will explain to you why I relate with Batman and have loved him all these years. This is not a top ten list, but I thought ten was a nice round number.

1) He's an outsider. In fifth, sixth, seventh grade, I discovered that people didn't like me. In general, my peers ignored me or made fun of me. In high school, I realized that, although I had friends, I was still sort of excluded from their personal worlds, the lives they had shared together before they knew me. Batman understands that. Batman doesn't get close to anyone and when he does, he usually wishes he hadn't.

2) He's dark. He lurks in the shadows and sneaks around finding things out about people. He makes it his business to know what's going on. I've always been the kind of person who knows what's happening around me without having to be told. Batman can put pieces together quickly and know things that others haven't told him. He likes to surprise people with what he knows, and use it as a weapon against them. I like that about him. It always brings me great pleasure when someone looks at me and says, "How did you know that!?" I think it gives Batman pleasure too.

3) He's misunderstood and intensely lonely. I don't feel that way as often anymore, but I did when I was falling in love with Batman.

4) He has a dry, dry, dry sense of humor. Enough said.

5) He's freaking smart. I'm not freaking smart, but I like people who are and I always have.

6) He's great at everything I wish I were. Ninja skills, computer hacking skills...

7) He's mysterious.

8) He has a great understanding of human nature.

9) He's always one or two or three steps ahead of everyone, even his "colleagues".

10) He looks really good in spandex.

Those are just the reasons I've though of. I'm sure there are better ones, if I psychoanalysed myself. It's not that I am so much like Batman that I have to relate with him. Granted, there are more admirable super heroes. There are definately ones with more integrity and honor. I like them too. It's just that Batman stands out to me more than anyone else.

The Need

There's a lot going on here as people start to clean out their houses and throw away things they cherish. I had a taste of it when we had to squish down all of the cardboard blocks that we got as kids. We were poor, and they were a Christmas present from someone (I think). We spent all day putting them together and we played with them a lot. We used them to make houses for our little people and Barbie dolls. Now they're in the trash on the road side.

It's not that they're valuable. They're just things. And it's a small thing (there were many others that we had to make decisions to throw away), but it made a little part of me sore and sympathetic for the people just a few houses down who are throwing out photo albums, saved birthday cards and letters, treasured gifts from relatives and so much more.

Emails keep coming about who we can help and how badly they need it. And I'm stuck at home not able to help so very much with much of anything. Even if I gave all I am, it wouldn't be enough. Even if everyone I knew gave what they had, it wouldn't fix much. It's overwhelming.

The need is overwhelming. I wonder if this is a little bit how Jesus felt when he sat outside the gates of Jerusalem, crying. So many people to save, to help. So many lost and hurting hearts. And yet his ached too, knowing what human suffering was ahead for him as well. Please pray for Iowa.

Floods

Well, for those of you who aren't in this area and haven't seen the news, I've been in the midst of some major flooding this last week. Lots of folks are asking how it's going, if we flooded, etc so I thought I'd just write one update and hope that answers the questions.

A) Our house is not flooded, or anywhere near flooding
B) My parent's house was in the flood plain, but missed the waters by maybe 50 feet.
C) My parents are not in the country, so we (my sister, my husband and I) have been responsible to get it cleaned up and taken care of.
D) The last week went something as follows:

Mon-Tues: My cousins were visiting. We had a grand time.

Wed- Parents leave for trip, cousins leave, sister leaves for a day trip to Chicago. We were worried a little about the flood, but the predictions kept it pretty far away from the house. By night time, they'd put out a map of the expanded evacuation area, and my parent's house was in it. We put bags over the drain and pulled stuff off the basement floor just in case.

Thurs - Watching the flood levels very closely. The edge of the water is two or three blocks away. It's raining and storming all day. Roads are beginning to close. Including major highways and roads through town. Water shortage began in town. Rain still pouring. Daniel and a friend set up emergency communication tower for the police, who had relocated because of the flood. I attempted to get more sandbags to use at the house, but got stuck in traffic as they were shutting down so many roads due to flash floods and the real flood.
In the evening, we got a new surprise. They'd predicted a 24 ft. crest, but they changed that to 32 ft. Daniel and a group of random others went to the house and hauled up as much as they could from the basement before curfew.

Friday - Took showers at the farm to conserve water in town. Daniel went in and discovered 3 ft of water in the basement. They got to work making pumps, but there was no power so we had to have generators. I stayed at the farm with my father-in-law to wait till he had the RV's generator fixed and his pumps ready to go. What normally takes twenty minutes to drive into town took more than an hour because traffic was backed up on all of the highways and the only exit roads. It took most of the day to get the pumps going, and I didn't really do much. Some of them worked sometimes, but then my father-in-law went and got two submerging pumps and they worked really well.

Saturday - Finished pumping the water out of the basement and started using squeegees to get the rest of them.

Sunday - Took a little bit of a break, but still went and did some clean-up. Set up fans to dry things.

Monday - My wonderful husband worked for several hours, visiting different offices and officials to get the power turned back on to the house.

Tuesday - Some of my sister's friends and some random Mormons in the neighborhood bleached and cleaned a lot in the basement.

Today - Sorted through all of the things that had gotten wet. Set them on the road side or in the garage to see what the parents wanted to keep. It's mostly all done now.

Lots of people offered to help and get stuff done. Tons of folks from church put in time helping moving things, mostly my sister's friends. They did an amazing job helping out with everything. Now we'll mostly have to let my parents figure the rest out, I think. When I called the insurance guy, he said they weren't covered for ground water, but I feel like that was inconclusive. So... yeah. I guess that's about all. In town, they've moved the barricades down as they check blocks for the house safety. It was at the end of our block, but today it's seven blocks further down. People are emptying their houses, and it's a sad sight. But there is some strange hope in starting over, as well. At least I think so. Anyway, that's that update. I'll write more about other more interesting things some time soon.

Great and Precious Promises

I'm finding my creativity is stifled right now. I don't enjoy times like this. I've been editing stories for a while, and just not full of new ideas at all. The poetry is missing.
I've started a study on First Peter with my small group. I really love First Peter, mostly because it's so straight forward and full of promises and words of encouragement that are easily applied to life today.
The memory verse this week was 1 Peter 1:3 - Praise be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. In HIs great mercy, he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.
I liked the idea of living hope. Not hope like "I hope it will snow", but Hope that lives and moves in us and takes us to the throne of God, where He hears our cries and assures us with his great and precious promises--assurance that will never "perish, spoil or fade, kept in heaven for us". I find that very comforting these days.
That's all for now. Except for a note to the friend who asked me to write about witnessing in mainstream churches: I'm still thinking on it, but I'll write something eventually.

The Perfect Storm

Mother's Day
Child dedications
Grace's due date.

I'm glad yesterday is over, although Daniel did make it nice. He took me to get tea at Panera when I left the church service, and then we ate in the Amanas with my family. Then we came home and I took a nap and we had a nice relaxing evening together. I really love him.