Night Time Soliloquy--The Lord's New Thing

Now that my baby has been born, I've been reflecting on God's promises and power and soverignty and how it all worked together in my life through my pregnancy. For the first and second trimester, I worried a lot. I'd wake up at night to use the bathroom, and if I came back and couldn't feel the baby moving, I'd lie awake, waiting, and worrying what would happen. I'd pray that everything would be OK and that I could trust God, but I don't think I was really trusting Him.
But one night He reminded me of a verse that I've been familiar with for a while. I'd rediscovered it in my Bible study, and it had applied to my pregnancy. so after that night when I remembered it, I would quote it in my mind whenever I worried. It would help me get to sleep.
Isaiah 43:18-19 "Do not remember the former things, Nor consider the things of old. Behold, I will do a new thing. It shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."
Well, the new thing has come. After all those nights of remembering the former things and worrying that I would relive them, I'm now living in the new. Not that I'll ever forget Grace and all that happened, but I can praise Him and rejoice that the story wasn't over after she died.
He's done a new thing. It's beautiful to me, the healing that has come through Jayna. New love, new clothes, new ways of doing things. New things all around.

Be Still

Last night I was paranoid and anxious--very common feelings these days--about my pregnancy. Worried about things I knew I shouldn't worry about. Usually I can move on past those thoughts, but sometimes they come and bury me and I dwell on them and worry grows like a tree that shades my heart and mind.
I hadn't felt the baby move very much that day, even though I'd had an over abundance of caffine, and I was worried something could be wrong. It's stupid, but you aren't allowed to make fun of me. Anyway, when I worried out loud, Daniel prayed for me and the baby. Then, for the rest of the night (in bed, mind you), the baby wouldn't stop kicking. Ahh. That's just what I need for a good night's sleep. And I'm not being sarcastic. I now have trouble sleeping if I don't feel kicking.
Anyway, because of said caffine, I still had trouble falling asleep, so as I lay awake, praying for a friend of mine, and thanking God that this baby is still OK, He spoke to me. Quite familiar words, heard so often.

Be still and know that I am God.

And I realized my lack of faith, which I want so badly to have, is partly because I've been too busy listening to myself think and worrying and fretting, so I couldn't hear His voice speaking in the quiet. Be still. He's there with me, in presence rich and full. And, just like the baby inside who isn't easily felt in the busyness of a day, it takes being still to feel it and know it's there.

Joy

Joy - By Out of the Grey

Some say the face is unforgettable
I'm sure I've seen it many times
Ah, but you know me.
I forget so easily.
I thought I saw you in a Sunday crowd
but then I missed you, in a blur of colored water, full of clouds
like Deja vu, answered you...

They say some day I won't need to see you out
but for now, won't you come and wrap me up inside your presence
we can celebrate if you stay...

I know you make your home in any given light
your vision is so clear you don't see what is not
When I find you, will I catch the cure you've got?

Surely you're not in some distant land
maybe down the block
or across the street
have you always been near to me?

Yesterday I went to the basement to dig through my box of maternity clothes and see if there were any shirts that would fit me yet. I was washed with sadness as I looked through the clothes I had bought last time, some of which I never got to wear.
Grief is full of experiences like that. little things that you didn't think about right away in the emotional times. And then they pop up at unexpected times, all through the year. You deal with them, and move on and often even forget those sad thoughts.

While I stood there, holding a handful of shirts to try on, I thought about how worried I happened to be that particular day, about the baby in my womb. And how overwhelming the feeling of helplessness and anxiety is. Wondering if I'm doing something wrong that will hurt the baby, or if it's going to be OK. But, at the same time, ready for the next phase with a big belly and more anticipation.

Then Arlene poked her head down the stairs and started saying, "Hi, hi, hi hi" and I took my shirts upstairs to try on. And she watched me and said "Oooh," every time I put a different one on.
It's so confusing how often joy and sorrow weave in and out of our lives. They intertwine so easily. And yet, it's the biggest relief to me some days, when it would be easier to sit around and throw a pity party. There is joy to be found. Sometimes we just have to seek it out.

Trusting

I've thought about writing this entry several times over the last fwe weeks, but always decided to wait. When I went in to the doctor after my stillbirth for the check up, he said "Call me as soon as you get a positive pregnancy test. we'll get you on blood thinners, and you'll have a boring pregnancy." I found out in May that I'm pregnant again. I'm ten weeks along now, and I'll be due Feburary 2 if everything goes well.

So far, it hasn't really been boring. There have been some complications that have been very difficult to deal with after what happened last time. Nothing terribly serious. I found out that, along with Factor V Leiden, I have another genetic defect called MTHFR. It's similar to the Factor V. It increases homocystene levels so your blood makes big clots. I've been taking folic acid for it and they think that's all I really need. I had a hemorrhage that's finally clearing up, so I'm starting lovonox incections today. Lovonox is an anti-coagulant (blood thinner) that's supposed to keep me from developing any clots that would harm the baby. I hope it works.

Being pregnant is always an exersize in faith. You always have to trust God and tell yourself not to worry, knowing that He's in control and He makes the decisions. BUt that's a lot easier to do when you don't have a really good reason to worry. I hadn't really had trouble with it until this pregnancy. Now I'm already fighting the worry and doubt. All the time. I don't wawnt to, because it increases my stress level, blood pressure, etc, and yet, it's really hard to counter it.

I wonder why we fear so many things that are so out of our control... I suppose it's human. And I suppose it's a way to learn to trust God. Last night when I was awake at 3:30, Hebrews 12:2 came to mind: "Let us fix our eyes on jesus, the author and profector of our faith, who, for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the Father." I think it was supposed to be a message, which I neglected to take fully take to heart. I need to just keep thinking about Jesus, and stop worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself.