At Grandma's House

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As I mentioned before, this does no justice. But I loved her.

At Grandma’s House

8.31.2010

In my mind’s eye
I always remember you
there on the porch in the middle of the night
passing out blankets and telling us where to sleep
and me tucking myself under that scratchy wool
inhaling the coal dust and warmth
In the morning there were pancakes
for lunch we had soup
and always, forever, homemade bread

You kept your little poems and articles
and letters from the war
and piles of paper in that office
that smelled of newsprint, rubber bands and books
And your stories of people you’ve met
and days gone by
the childhood you had
not colorful, but still interesting all the same
your words enthralled so many
and I was your granddaughter
sitting at the table
listening while you told
the past so alive in your sharp memory

Your voice was so gentle
your words were so kind
and I remember you there, holding my baby
singing softly “rock a bye”
the same voice that sang to me
and all of your offspring
four generations there.
How I miss those moments
and those things

All the ways I remember you
It’s so hard to say goodbye
because it seemed, I never knew you well
you weren’t a peer or really a friend
you were my cherished Granny
who traveled a thousand miles to visit
by train by bus or car
who gathered us in under the wing of prayer
and kept us, no matter how far.

You didn’t have a lot of things to give
but I cherished every gift
and you gave your love so fully
so gracefully you lived
always thoughtful of others
taking time for even the least
the mark you made will carry on
living deep inside of me.

stress

I was thinking about going to the doctor to find out if I'm having anxiety issues. Then I decided that maybe I should just take care of them myself. Way to add another thing to the plate, K.
I've been trying to exersize and eat healthier. I had my thyroid tested and it was normal (just had to check).
But I still feel like crap. Like I start my tank at a quarter full every day and then there's nothing left when I get done. By supper I'm ready to pull my hair out.
I think part of it's the teething toddler who likes to throw fits and make everyone feel her pain. and the whiney 3-year-old who seems to be having teenage angst all of the sudden. And my husband's stupid job with stupid managers who keep making promises to customers that no one can keep.
And me and the bad attitude and negative thoughts that swarm around me all the time. It's a little overwhelming these days.
Tonight we were visiting with a friend who's a missionary with the Navigators. And through the course of the conversation, I just realized how un-focused I am. How self-centered I get and how that makes the stress mount up to unbearable amounts.
Tomorrow's goal: Renew my mind. Put Christ back at the center of the universe where He belongs and stop worrying so much about my heart. Absorb His grace. Be transformed.

I'm thinking of starting a new blog. Call Bad Rap. And it will be a collection of bad poetry, written by myself and others. I think it would be hilarious, although insulting. But people like Doctor House, don't they?
Here's my first sample, written by me in about 3 minutes. Because I obviously have nothing profound to say today.

Sore Throat

I don't want to gloat
but it only took 3 days
to rid myself of the sore throat.
And in that time I spent on the couch
laying there, saying "ouch ouch ouch"
The house became a mess
the weather got nice
and yet I felt the bed entice.
Now my back is sore
my kitchen smells like blore
and I have chores galore.
But it only took 3 days
for the sore throat to go away.

Sick

Went to the doctor today and found out I have strep throat. So I might not write for a few days, since I feel like crap-e-ola. I haven't had strep since I was 18. I used to get it two or three times a year, but it hasn't been so bad lately. I'd forgotten how terrible it makes you feel. So this is me. Signing off. Have a good weekend.

More Writer's Block. And More Mitch McVicer too.

Does anyone else have this problem, where you want to write something meaningful about a significant event, but because it means so much, you can't ever get what you write to say the right thing? I've had that problem a few times. Usually with poetry. I want to write something about my kids, and it never comes together.
When I lost Grace, my creativity re-awakened in a new way, but I could never write a good statement like I wanted to, a beautiful poem that did honor to it all.
Same with my grandma's death. It doesn't help either that she was such a fantastic writer. I wanted to write something in the style she used, but it hasn't quite come out. The idea's there in my head, but the words get tangled and mushed.
I know I'm not the only one who has this problem. I think Mitch McVicker did after Rich Mullins died. He put out a couple of albums before he wrote the song for Rich, and I think it was because he wanted it to say just the right thing, honor Rich's music and memory. I love it because in the background you can hear a hammered dulcimer through most of the song, but not until the end does it become really prominent. It just reminds you or Rich then.
I know you probably hate me posting lyrics, but I'm going to anyway. Because one line in this song reminds me so much of my grandma that I cried the first time I listened to it after she died. And it's the best I've got, since I can't seem to get it together just right.


Rich's Song

If you chase the horizon long enough,
Then you just might lose the dark
And you found the light or maybe it found you and I'm sorry you had to part
Until I think about where you are
You stepped behind a veil and then you just went on in
But you were here for awhile and that was such a gift
Do you know what I'm meaning?

Chorus
I'm sure you smile a lot more than you ever did before
And I can hear you laughing and carrying on from here
But this world took it's toll so you went on through that door
And I could tell it all was drawing near
I just had no idea it was so close
But He was always calling you home
He was always calling you home

And I've never known who heard His voice
But I'm almost sure you did
You had a way of hiding it,
But you walked along with Him
Oh, do you know what I'm meaning?
As I put words to your life they seem to come up short
Words meant a lot to you,
But you are so much more
Chorus (twice)
From the day that you were born
He was calling you home
From the day that you were born
He was calling you home
He was calling you home
He was calling you home
You finally made it home

Coffee Talk

last night i went to the women's ministry kick off at church. I hate the idea of a ton of women gathered together, but my friends were going, and I like having a chance to meet older women in the church too. So I went and sat.
There was a lot of talk about helping each other and passing along our skills and knowledge to younger women. That was kind of the theme of the night. It got me to thinking, though. I really have a desire to do that. I love the idea of teaching, and I think I'm a good teacher. I don't have a lot of skills or knowledge, but I've always wanted to be a "mentor" to younger women. I love kids, especially teenagers, and some day I'd like to be involved with teaching and leading them.
But I don't have a lot of chances to do the things that I really want to. And I think it's mostly my fault. I'm not really outgoing and I'm slow in conversation. So the words that flow so eloquently out in writing don't come to my brain until after the conversation's over. But when I'm talking with other girls and kids, the truth that comes out in my heart doesn't come out in words until it's too late. I wish I could just speak the truth and make it sound more appealing than I do. Instead, I just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind (which is usually right) but I think people blow me off becuase of how I talk. I don't know. I think that my thinking that people blow me off makes me less eager to say what I want to, too.
But that's my problem, I guess.
Sometimes, though, I feel like the "prophet without honor" in her home. It's probably just my imagination, but sometimes I feel like people at church have a hard timet aking me seriously because they knew me when I was a kid. Or because they know my parents, they think that they know me or assume (subconciously) that I don't have as much to offer as my folks do, so I'm not worth taking seriously.
Last night, they talked about how everyone is an "older woman" who has something to share or give to others, and I feel that I do, butthere just haven't been opportunities for me like I wish there were.
And that's about all I have to say. It's mostly complaining. I think I need to take this to heart, though, and look for those opportunities to share. To be quicker to say what i think, but maybe say it slowly. I don't know really. I guess maybe I just need to wait until I actually am older.

the universe laughs [angsty rant to follow]

Do you ever feel like the whole universe is saying, "You suck! You just suck and there's nothing you can do about it."
Yeah. I guess this will just be an angsty post about the problems I'm having. I'm hormonal. Let's just get that out there. I'll feel better tomorrow.
Tonight, I'd like to have a couple of drinks and go to bed. I can't even flipping mow the lawn right.
You know, when you are all stressed out about something, and then when that something happens, you think it will fix your stress, but then it just makes it worse? I'm feeling like that now.
I've been stressed lately. I'll admit it. I was already short on extra time because i helped with camp, and then all that stuff happened with my grandma, and I still don't feel like I'm over that even though I should be. And then there was that gun test, which was supposed to be recreational but it stressed me, and I felt better when it was all over. But i've been waiting for this "procedure" at the hospital for months, hoping it would give some answers to what's causing the pain I'm having. I've been to three specialists now. Had a surgery and physical therapy, and I'm still getting vague answers.
and, I might add, in the last year, I've been told I have THREE life-altering health issues, and all three times I've felt ill-informed and left completely alone with the information. Getting pretty sick of it. I don't want them to keep finding OTHER things that are wrong. I want them to fix this one problem before I have babies again.
So I'm discouraged tonight. It's the kind of thing people with health problems experience all the time. But I don't want to be one of "those" people. I just want to have a normal life and not worry about these stupid little things that keep popping up.
That's all I have to say. Good night.

Christian "Music" Rant

I don't keep it a big secret that I don't like listening to Christian radio. I get so tired of them playing the same three songs all day long, and I don't really like the style of music, which is either:

"dark, depressing guy with a scratchy voice singing about all the things the church does wrong but offering no solution"

"Dark depressing guy with scratchy voice singing about how terrible his life is and it's a good thing he's got God tucked away in there"

"Flighty teenage Miley/Britney/whoever copy who sings ditzy songs with cliches about Jesus or about how great her life is now"

"Rock band with nothing to say who can play five chords"

"dude singer who actually writes good lyrics but has a bad voice and can only play five chords"

"Praise music that all uses the same phrases/clauses/words as the other songs"

"Praise music that has absoultel no theme, but is rather a stream of conscious thoughts on God with no melody for the verses and a decent one for the chorus, which you have to repeat three times"

Okay, I guess I could go on and on. And I guess these categories fit any genre of music. But lately I've just been so put out with the shallowness of "Christian" music. On both accounts, lyrics and/or music. I know there are talented people but the ones who are actually good dn't usually get air time. But maybe that's just me. Who am I to argue with radio executive and producers? And hoards of screaming fans.

At the lastconcert I went to, Mitch McVicker said he knew that the world didn't need another Christian musician. "What they do need is truth, so I'm just trying to put those together and reach out."

There's music that I like. There are musicians that I like who even get played on the radio. But it does seemlike the majority of what I hear in church and on the radio fit into the "annoying" category. And annoying doesn't glorify God.

There is no point to this. I just wanted to vent about the radio lately. I was raised on "oldies" and that is my default (although, I could complain about those stations too. They need to get their labels figured out. If it was written in the 90's, it isn't classical rock.)