Things I Don't Say on Facebook

Don't take this seriously, OK? This is totally tongue-in-cheek since I post a billion things no one else cares about. But, sometimes... often... I just have these thoughts:

Why did you just "like" that? What difference does it make to anyone if you "like" that or not?

No, my kids aren't my world. I have plenty more going on in here than just them.

I think we've heard enough about your health issues.

Yeah, I opened the door this morning and felt the weather too. Thanks, Captain Obvious.

You hate snow; you hate rain; you hate heat. Why do you live in Iowa?

Go to bed, you idiot. All you're going to post tomorrow is how tired you are.

I don't care what you ate tonight. Really, it just makes me feel bad that I only made mac and cheese for my kids.

Please. Keep that to yourself.

You do realize that all 452 of your so-called "friends" just read that?

Hey, depression is your own issue. Don't take it out on me.

Facebook is NOT a good platform for political debates. I'd actually rather not know your opinions. Really, it's true.

Poking is pointless. So very, very pointless.

Facebook is also not a good platform to promote your business. Unless you want to make a business fan page. Then it's OK. An occasional post is fine. But I'd rather hear about your life. Oh wait, that's your kids. I read that on one of your random "likes" that I didn't care about.

Why are we even "friends" when we ignore each other in real life?


OK. The sarcasm must stop. I have to reign it in or it gets out of control. Anyone want to add something? I think it's funny.

Losing friends (angry rant. I apologize ahead of time).

I can't really think of any old friends who I stopped liking. Plenty of them have stopped liking me, though. I don't really know how it happens, but I think somewhere along the line they realize how boring I actually am and find someone who they like better.
i mean, I can remember all of the times it happened through the years with almost all of my "best friends". And I hate it! I just want to complain about it, so don't keep reading if you don't want to know.
I know it's the natural course of relationships to move on and make new friends and whatever. What bothers me is how easily I'm replaced. I hate being the back burner friend, but so often I'm the one people put off, knowing that I'm lame enough to always be available and want to pick up where we left off. But eventually I think they realize that life is going fine without me in the picture, so... on to new and better things.
Before you tell me I'm imagining, let me just lay out some scenarios. True stories from my life.
1) Third Grade: Best friend is in a different class and actually asks me if it's OK with me if she plays with other kids during recess.
2) forth grade: They made a new class mid-year by taking out kids from every class. The only kids from my class that I was friends with were moved, and they really never talked to me again.
3) Seventh grade: My whole group of friends close off the lunch table to me and stop inviting me to do things with them. True story.
4) Eighth grade. Friend who has been close friend and family friend since third grade decides to be popular, thus leaving me in the shadows and completely ignoring me thereafter.
5) Ninth grade: the only friends I had from middle school both wanted to seek their fame in high school. After hanging out a little first semester, they made better friends and never talked to me again.
6) Ninth grade: I left the church, and the one guy I ever really liked and probably would have dated eventually called me up to argue about it. Unresolved argument. He never called again.
7) First year of college: Best friend, very best friend I ever had, has some biff with me that she never shared. I'm kind of dense and didn't realize it, and kept trying to call her and chat online, and i think she actually started hating me all the while. She came out of the closet and didn't tell me, and I guess i did something terribly wrong that year because I think she truly hates me. It breaks my heart because I really loved her.

Those are real examples, completely unexaggurated. I don't know what the "thing" is about me. I can't tell if it's an ideal problem, because a lot of clsoe friends I had shared the same values and then moved away from them. What pisses me off about that the most is that I WASN"T THE ONE WHO CHANGED yet they put words in my nmouth and thoughts in my head and decide what I think about them, personally, just because I might not agree about some new idea they've adopted. Yes, I'm opinionated. No, I'm not a hater.

Or maybe the problem is what I've always suspected. That people find me dull on almost every level. Or that no one gets me. And really hardly anyone really does, but I'm not a picky friend. I just like to be called once in a while or sent an email, or invited to do something. I don't mind being the one to initiate even, but after about six tries, I get discouraged and just can't get myself to be rejected again.

So if you ever wanted to know what my deepest source of insecurity is, that's it.

Whole and Wholly Loved

To scarlet, my lovely friend with a broken heart:

you go home and cry yourself to sleep
aching from the loneliness
and all of those scars that keep burning, even when day is done.
You know how alone you are
even when you're with the people who know you best
and you hurt.

Then for once in your life you met someone
who saw past the outside
into your soul, knew your true beauty came from within
rather than just the painted smile and intellectual eyes
you felt the connection
because he was the only one
who really knew all of you
but let you be OK there anyway
and didn't mind the mess.
He valued you for all of you
not just pieces or parts of the whole.
but saying goodbye is all you can do
when reality hits home.
and there you are
picking up the pieces
painting your masks
wishing that for once it would have worked.
you mourn losing him
when you never had him
and what you really miss is who he made you be
and what he saw in you that no one else could.

The loneliness consumes you
in the darkness of day
and you chase shadows of what's real
because it's all you think you deserve
but the secret of love is uncovered with patience
and some day
there will be someone who sees all of you
and likes what he sees
the mosaic of heartache and strength and loveliness and longing
and maybe then you can take off the mask
and be the beautiful you
with all of the creativity and depth you were meant to show.
but for now, you have to hold on to the one who couldn't have you
because it's the only glimpse you really have
and that's the shame of these broken lives
missing pieces of their heart
you shouldn't be one.
You should be whole and wholly loved.

Who is Chew?

For starters, he's the guy in the back left of this picture. (And that's me in the front right. Seventh grade. Bad hair day. Great day in the annals of Kristin time.)
He was also my Bible quiz coach, a man who noticed me and appreciated me, and just one heck of a man. We celebrated his work in the church today at a retirement party. While I was there, reminiscing with friends and looking back at the history of this great program, I came to appreciate Bill Chew in an even greater way. Because he made Bible quiz what it was when I was there.

I hated youth group in middle school. I was at best, completely ignored. One night we broke into small groups to do some stupid worksheet, and I was in Bill Chew's group with another quizzer. I wasn't in Bible quiz yet, but when I answered one of the questions, he invited me to join the team. I'd wanted to ever since I'd seen the 1988 team do a sample match in church before they went to nationals. I jumped on board, and had no idea what I was getting into.

What I got into was amazing. For once, I was good at something. What I did on the team mattered. I mattered. And that was what I loved the most. I happened onto a banner year with a good team of two who needed a third, so I got to be third. For two more years after that, I stuck around, memorizing the Bible and competing with other teens in the state and region. I loved it. I have those trophies up in the attic in a box, and whenever they resurface, I spend a moment reflecting on those great times with my friends. And how Bill Chew didn't care about winning and losing and who had the most points, but about kids studying the Bible and falling in love with it. How his big goal was to teach us to learn it for ourselves. How he knew that God's word would not return void.

What sticks out to me in my memory was how people--especially kids, mattered to him. Even the ones who weren't on his team. You wouldn't meet a friendlier guy. I always felt welcome on the team and encouraged, yet still challenged to keep working harder. Today one of the moms spoke about how he was a role model, a solid, grounded man of God who cared and sympathized. I think when I was quizzing I took it for granted. Because he was a great coach. We all agreed on that today.

He will be marked in the pages of my life as a significant part of my spiritual growth. The things he taught stay with me. And so does the Word of God.

This was my team the last year I was there. A great group of gals, so fun to hang out with. I miss it so often, and I can't wait until my kids can join the ranks of Bible geeks!

And this is Grace

So I'm writing tonight. Not here, well... here, but I'm also working on my story. And in the midst of it, I realized that this has become a theme in my life the last couple of weeks: Grace.
I was talking with a friend about meds for mood disorders and other mental illnesses. Some people think you shouldn't take them, and just have more faith that God will heal your sore sick mind. I'm more under the impression that you can't always control what your hormones and chemicals are doing, btu if you can use some synthetic chemicals to help balance things out, you'll be more of who you were made to be. and when you're who you were made to be, you're fulfilled and whole, and God can use you for what He always planned.
It doesn't sound like the two thoughts connect, but I think I can make them. See, what i'm discovering while writing this story (which personally I think is going to be really good) is that God's grace is intended to be a part of every aspect of your life. Not now, but the past as well. And the future and the daily boring things and the big events that change who we are, and all of the in betweens that may or may not seem like they matter.
They matter.
Because every one of them is an opportunity for us to see God's grace at work.
On top of that, if we can understand how His grace saturates our own hearts, then it is easier to extend grace to others. Our pastor talked about this a couple of weeks ago. How you can't go and help out people living in poverty unless you understand that without God's grace, we are all doomed to poverty. Because poverty isn't lack of funds or things or abilities. It's the lack of relationships.
I like to think that my life is pretty much perfect. That I do things right and I deserve the good things that happen. And when I get in that mind set, I forget that I owe it to God. He's given me so much more than I deserve (grace). When I'm in that mindset, it affects how I see others. And when I deserve what I have, others deserve what they have, good or bad. When I'm not worthy of God's grace, neither is anyone else.
And when I realize that it is a gift to me, then I can freely bestow it on others, realizing that it all comes from God, who gives without ho9lding back.
A Sara Groves song says, "this is grace, and invitation to be beautiful".
I think, when we see Grace for what it is and how it fills our hearts and lives, we become who God wants us to be. We become more whole. We become free. Beautiful.
But it's an invitation, because, the very nature of grace demands that it isn't forced upon you.

So what's that mean for me? Constant reminding of God's gift, and the sacrificing love of Christ. What's it mean for you? You decide. Are you going to accept the invitation to be beautiful?

Old Thresher's Reunion

Every Labor Day since I've known him, my husband talks about going to the Old Thresher's Reunion. It's basically a big museum of old farming equipment that is assembled by thousands of different owners who bring it to the grounds once a year. It's sort of got the atmosphere of a fair, with funnel cakes and a crafts hall and a grandstand with shows. but it's mostly centered around old machinery.
I'll say, it was better than I expected. but the parts I found interesting were NOT the parts my husband likes. But we took the kids and picked up my folks on the way down and spent half a day there for fun. We had a nice time. Here are some pictures.


Arlene liked looking at the steam powered tractors. Daniel liked them more.
We rode one of the trains. There are two that circle around the premesis. It looks like one from the old west, and they do a train robbery show every hour. We weren't on one of the robbed trains because we figured it would scare the kids.

This is just a sample of the crazy things there are to see there.

Long walk back to the van after a long day. Arlene loves Grandpa.

Leadership

Have you ever wondered what it is about some people that always gets them appointed to be in charge of things? Is it good leadership skills that are some how obvious to everyone they meet? Being likeable?
I don't know why, but it bothers me sometimes. Why are certain people chosen over others? Do you have to be flashy to make the right impression?
I'm thinking mostly in the church, but it happens everywhere. I think a lot of the reason it bothers me is because I'm jealous. But partly because I feel like I have gifts that are completely overlooked just because I'm not outgoing or showy. And I get it. Especially in "real life" like working. Flashy beautiful people get chosen, even if there's someone just as qualified.
But it's not supposed to be like that in the church.
I've been thinking about it way too much. And I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, because I go to a really great church. Maybe I just don't say enough when I should, or know the right people or talk to the right people about what I want to be.
Or maybe I come across as boring and plain and that isn't what people prefer when they're choosing leaders. I get it. I was usually one of the last kids picked for the team. But I don't want it to be that way my whole life.
Nor am I willing to be someone different.
If I ever get a book published, I bet I'll get chosen for all kinds of things then. Because then people will know that I'm actually really articulate. And I love public speaking. And I'm artistic and witty and sarcastic and deep and spiritual. Oh, Someday, come soon, will you?

Growing UP

I just read an article about how young people today are hesitant to "settle in" and get married, and even when they do, it's all about how they feel and how happy the other person makes them. Wondering what people think about that?
i had a thought about how that works. Why young adults these days have no work ethic, are irresponsible and in general would rather not settle in and become a productive member or society (speaking generally, of course). Of course there are a billion factors and exceptions to those generalizations, but research is showing these trends.
I wonder. If the reason young adults don't want to "grow up" is because they didn't have happy childhoods. I think kids these days "grow up" too fast. They take on a lot of responsibilities because of absentee parents, and whatever expectations they have. They seem to be ruling the roots, as it were, and so as they grow up thinking they're the one in charge, the reality of "real life" comes as a shock. They're already tired of feeling responsible and in a backwards way, raising their parents and family, so they're ready to let loose and play for a while.
It's just something I wonder about. I'm interested to know what others think. I'm not speaking of specific individuals or families. Just general trends that I've noticed and read about. I have lots of opinions about it, but I'll spare you.