Making Friends Part Four (Truth in the Inner Parts)

There was a person in my life at one time (as an adult) who really wanted to be friends with me. I liked her a lot too. We talked and visited and got along pretty well. Until one night, she shared with me that she was jealous of me. She talked about why, and I told her she didn't need to be an explained why. I thought it had all been worked out that night and we moved on.

I didn't really understand jealousy, and how it creeps in when you don't want it to be there. How it undermines your trust and security. I didn't empathize with this friend. And I'm dense, so I really didn't know what was going on below the surface. We kept meeting up and visiting whenever she was in town. One time, we got together and talked for a long time, and I just decided to share. I knew how closed off I got, and I decided she was trustworthy and would be a good friend. So I talked and we talked and it was so nice.

The next time we were together, I realized that the jealousy she had still hadn't gone away. It was something someone else said to me, and I never confronted her about it. I planned to, but then it just didn't work out. The time never got right.

so because of that, I lost a lot of time. W e're still friends, and I think I finally shared what the deepest hurt was, how she hadn't trusted me even when I'd borne my soul to her. eventually we worked through it. I should have been more understand. Less jumpy and quick to judge.

I think, as I look back, our whole friendship was built on faulty premises. She didn't trust me, and because of that I didn't really trust her. I had a lot of bitterness for several years. (If you're asking why I didn't just dump her it was because she actually ended up being a relative and I thought it was worth keeping the relationship strong). And I wonder how many friendships through the years have been like that. Laid on top of sand, which crumbles and gives way to time and changes.

Because a real friendship, a heart relationship, starts with accepting each other and loving each other as we are. We can't do that if we're hiding our true selves. I do hide. It's easier than being vulnerable and letting someone have the chance to hurt me by rejecting me. If you build on anything but truth and honesty, the relationship will go one of two ways: you'll have to dig through some ugly dirt to uncover what it truly is, or you'll split in two and go seperate ways whenever circumstances or personalities or opinions change.

I think my big problem is just exposing my weakness. Not necessarily dumping every mistake I've ever made and sharing all of my intimate thoughts, but just exposing the fact that I struggle when something hard comes into my life.

Maybe what it comes down to is just being OK with weaknesses. I'm not, I don't think. sometimes I am, if it's a convenient one that I know everyone has. But I don't really like sharing my thoughts with others. And I think, sometimes, that practiced hardness locks God out too. It's not like He doesn't know. I just don't prefer to acknowledge my problems.

While I was working through this jealousy problem with that friend, I read Psalm 51. Verse 6 says, "You desire truth in the inward parts, and in the hidden part you will make me to know wisdom. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow."

I think, if I can have that attitude with God, it will become easier to have it with people. If I'm OK with my weaknesses and sin, because I know God's taken care of them, then I'll be OK with other people knowing them. rightness with God equals rightness with men. His perspective is what I should be living by, not the ones that others put on me.