Present Thoughts

i don't have anything remotely profound to write but I feel like updating so I'm just going to talk about random things that I've been living lately. Pick a category, any category!

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants I've lost a little baby fat over the last month. I'm not sure if it's just my body finally returning to normal after being pregnant for 3 years, or if it's medication or what, but it's kind of nice. Except that the clothes I've been wearing are starting to gap and bag. So I've been on the prowl for new jeans. Because I can't live without jeans. Any other form of pants, I can do without, but I am most comfortable in jeans. So. Consignment store, every department store, and back to consignment store. I finally found one pair of pants on sale at Sears that I liked, and two at Goodwill (after trying on at least a dozen pairs). I decided to be selective and not just pick any pair that fit over my thighs. I didn't want stretch ones, anything on the butt (especially jewels) too low or high cut, too loose around the waist, too tight around the ankles or anywhere else(thank you but I am not going to relive the eighties. I am not sixteen and don't want to pretend to be). The result were three pairs that I think will last. I'll keep my eye out, but the hard searching is done. I spent less than $40 total. Not bad, and they're all name brand.

Here comes the Bride (or groom) My cousin-in-law, Rachel, is engaged to a great guy from church, and they're going to be married in two weeks. I can't wait. Mostly because Arlene's a flower girl and Daniel's playing music and it's going to be a joyful family gathering. But also because Rachel is an example of a girl decided to follow God and wait for Him to bring her the right person instead of rushing in and taking the first thing that came along. And I like Jason a lot.

My own brother got engaged last month, but he's decided to wait for a year to get married. Mostly because his fiancee is from another country so there are a lot of details to work out. Also because our younger brother will be deployed to Afganistan for the next year and he wants him to be able to be present for the big life event.

My brother-in-law is also getting married in June. I love his fiancee. She's so awesome. I'm not sure that he's really worthy of her or mature enough to handle adult life, but I guess that's not my call to make (thankfully, because I'd probably screw things up).

Daniel's other cousin also got engaged a couple of weeks ago. To a girl I knew growing up, my mom's friend's daughter. It's kind of cool to hvae her back around and see how the families have changed. Anyway, i guess we'll have another big wedding year, after a couple years of no other weddings.

Simple Pleasures With summer approaching, I've been thinking about activities. I've thought about how busy people are in general driving kids to sports, dance classes, after school clubs, etc. And how families seem to have less and less time together. I don't want our family to be like that. So while I can control it, I think that we're going to forgo scheduled events that we can forgo. (Swimming lessons is a life skill and therefore a different category). I want to have time with my kids to teach them and mold them and help them and let them grow up at their own pace instead of rushing it.

In the same category, I've thought about all of the things we accumulate as we live life, and I've decided (yet again) to work harder at not accumulating them. To classify needs and wants in their true categories, and to avoid spending whenever possible. That's a big statement and probably worthy of its own post. But I won't give it one. I'm just going to make that a weekly prayer that I will discern wisely the difference between wants and needs. I've realized that my kids can't live happy and full lives with so little, that I don't need to set them up for failure by complicating things early on.

Apocalyptic Theories I think I mentioned I'm planning to read Revelation. well, I haven't gotten into it yet. But even though I haven't, I've had a few strange dreams where I've been telling people about Jesus returning or something like that. It's probably all of the economic talk that I don't really understand, and people planning for major downturns in the economy and emp's and nuclear warfare. And I think I won't say much about this lest I be label as a religious nut and/or conspiracy theorist and/or doom-seeker and/or something political. And I don't really want any of those stigmas. I'm not worried about the future, which is so nice.

Little Baby Bundles This really does belong in its own post. several friends have had babies lately or announced pregnancy. It sort of makes me want another one. But our house isn't big enough and our lives aren't settled enough, and I'm finally losing weight and other health issues are in play. So I won't. I'm not pregnant. If you see me bawling next week on Mother's Day, it's because it will probably always be a hard day for me, seeing as I was supposed to have a baby then. Please try not to say something stupid. I don't want to hate you. I'll probably have more to say on that soon.

The Green Thumb We've planted a garden this year. I decided it was a useful skill to hone, and would help us be more frugal and maybe even eat more vegitables. So I planted peas, corn, green beans, carrots and spinach. Daniel planted asparagus and a blueberry plant. He's already started growing grapes the last few years, but he transplanted them this year since someone put a garage in the sunlight's way. I also have a little flower garden that was here when we came. I've added gladiolus this year and they're popping up. I have a flower bed in the front we planted with memory of Grace flowers. Four of them made it this year, which made my heart so happy. I really suck at the "green thumb" thing, but practice makes perfect, right?

I guess that's all for now. I'm going to try to do other productive things. Ha ha.

The Bible that Falls Apart...

Ever heard that pithy saying? The Bible that falls apart belongs to the person who doesn't.
I haven't made that my life motto or anything, but my Bible has certainly fallen apart. Literally. I am very sad about this. But, this week I purchased a new NET Bible and have put it in the case and have slowly began my transition. It's a different translation than what I've used my whole life, and it's just... different. New Bibles have this great feeling. They smell like leather and book, and the thin pages crinkle with every fresh turn. The silver lining on the outside hasn't worn away yet, so it's shiny. I like it. But not as much as that old little Bible my parents gave me when I was ten. It was a birthday present, and through the years (eighteen freaking years!) it has accompanied me on retreats, conferences, weekend getaways, vacations, church services, pretty much everywhere. Which explains its wear.

It has been an instrument for change in my life, the words have been my solace and fortitude in hard times, my strength in the day-to-day, my hope and peace and joy. None of that will change, of course, but saying goodbye to it has been sort of difficult for me. Now I will have to search for those passages anew every time, instead of remembering which side of the page I read it on and having that advantage.

I taped a penny on the inside cover because I won it playing simon Says on a retreat, where the spaker was talking about not doing what everyone else does. I also have my name in Russian on a name tag from a missionary potluck when Cindy Howard first got ready to leave. It's held important ipctures, postcards, sayings, letters and sermon notes over the years. Opening its pages is like going thrugh a time capsual. The notes I took at age 12 seem so insigificant now, but they mattered then.

Change is good, though. I look forward to the next twenty years in the NET Bible, experiencing new ways of wording things and fidning more life scriptures. All of the underlining, highlights, notes in the margins and color coding will not transfer with me to the new Bible. Which gives me the goal to read through the whole thing again. I haven't done that since college. I think the new Bible is motivation for many new things.

But I'll still keep that old friend of mine handy. I can't get rid of it. It's like a keepsake, a record of my spiritual journey through my growing years. I'll always treasure it for those memories it keeps, and thank God for making His word available to me through that little Bible and so many other ways.

Reading List

In between Babar, Curious George, Nursery Rhymes and other picture books about squirrels and ducks and who knows what else, I've been picking away book by book. Slowly most of the time. I miss the time I had in college and when I was working to waste time reading all the time. It doesn't happen as much these days, but I have made it a small priority, so as not to let my brain get fried by cleaning up poop and singing the ABC's.

Light reading has been the "Peculiar Treasures" series by Robin Jones Gunn (who, if you know me, know that she is one of my favorites). It's chick-lit which might be all I need to say. It's a spin-off series about a girl in college named Katie Weldon and her experiences with life. Like I said, light reading.


I didn't used to like biographies much, but I've started to really enjoy them once in a while. I finished the journals of Lewis and Clark earlier this year (after about three years of being the toilet reader, mind you), so I replaced it with another collection of explorers' diaries (Mammoth Book of Explorers, edited by John Keay). So far, I've read about Georg Wilhelm Stellar, John Dundas Cochrane (who may actually be a relative of mine). He walked from St. Petersburg to Moscow, and made some interesting observations. I've read about several Central and South Asian explorers, Alexander Burns with the Uzbecks, John Wood, Regis-Evariste Huc, and a bunch of others you won't care to know. I'm currently on Sven Hedin at the Source of the Indus. They're good stories with insights abotu culture that you wouldn't expect.


The other biography I've read was entitled "Scars and Stilettos" by Harmony Dust. She was a stripper starting at age 19, and it's the story of how she landed in the sex industry and how she got out. It's a really good read, very descriptive and interesting. Even if you aren't interested in the stripping part, it's a good story about the life of a messed-up girl and how she was redeemed. She now has a ministry to strip clubs in the Los Angeles area called "Treasures". I don't recommend this book to a guy, but to a girl, especially one with baggage from life, I think it would offer a lot of encouragement, and maybe even enlightenment.

I also joined a new club recently. Tonight I finished my first John Grisham novel. My cousin recommended "The Testament", so I bought it at a used bookstore and picked my way through it. Now, I don't know what other Grisham novels are like, but let me just say, I wasn't impressed with the writing. The story was good, and kept me guessing the whole way through. Sometimes it gets a little tedious and long, but it was worth it. Although, Daniel listened to the abridged audio version, and I probably should have gone that route.

Another book recommended by a fellow sci-fi fan friend was "The Invention of Morel" by Adolfo Bioy Casares. Strange book. It was sort of interesting, but there isn't a good way to synopsize it. It's just weird. And I read it because of its association with the show LOST. It's short and reads fast, and it was really interesting. Didn't care for the ending, though.

In the Bible, I've been studying John (hence recent poetry). I've also decided I should read Revelation without the accompaniment of a commentary. Because I've never done that.

I don't have a big list queued up yet, so if anyone has recommendations, I'm happy to explore those options. I think it might be time for another classic.

What Creative Kids do with Spare Time

Prepare yourself for the most awesome thing yuo'll see all week:


Oh yeah. While most girls in junior high packed their caboodle case full of make-up, lotions and other cosmetics, mine was a split-level home for my awesome G.I Joe guy. (I did unpack him and load my case up for youth group trips like retreats and camp, but I don't know why because all I put inside were little containers of shampoo/conditioner and a hairbrush).

In fifth grade and probably sixth too, I didn't have a lot of friends, but I did have a lot of spare time and extra creativity, and a mom who let me do whatever I wanted with her sewing machine. So, I diligently pieced together a house for my G.I. Joe, affectionately named "Dumb Guy" (No idea why). I think his roommate's name was Jack. He came later. for a long time Joe lived alone.

I recently unearthed this favorite memory of mine. I spent a lot of time collecting the right objects for their house. Unfortunately, my stupid tenth grade English teacher obtained some of the objects I'd borrowed from Joe's house for a shadow box project (Jo March's attic).



Here they are showing off their "accessories". Notice a RC tank, a real (plastic) gun, backpacks, and extra rope. The old Bubble Tape container held their video tapes, books, and nintendo parts. (My dad also let me use his jigsaw to cut whatever I wanted). I used to have a TV I made with a piece of scrap wood and nails, but it's been misplaced. Joe broke his leg when I was older. He has a permanent bandage now. :(



Here they are chillin in their living room on their couch, wearing their backpacks. Because they're getting ready to go hiking. But first they needed to watch their favorite show.


It's really hard to make tiny clothes. And, GI Joes are way harder to dress than Barbie Dolls. FYI. All of these are remakes, because my of aforementioned theft from teacher. But you get the general idea. They're pajamas.

Now they're having a late-night chat in Joe's room. He likes to have his stuffed pig nearby. They're also sporting their well-designed and hand crafted flannel pajamas. Very comfortable.

The top layer was their bedrooms. There is a rope ladder in the "closet" hanging from the middle compartment. At one time they had a house guest who stuck around for a long time and that was his house. His name was Weird Troll (my neighbor Jesse's contribution).

Yeah. So.... Now you know my dark secrets. I had a lot of fun with these guys, too. Barbie Dolls were not nearly as exciting.

Making Friends Part Three (Being Grown-Up)

People walk in and out of our lives at an alarming rate. Once in a while, one of them is fun and ex citing and you can't wait to get to know them better, because you feel like you already know each other, somewhere deep in your heart. It happens less and less as I grow older. There's more space in our interactions, and less available time to invest.

Now that I'm adult, if I decide to invest and try to be friends, it means a lot to me. I don't have the kind of personality that just collects people with every smile and funny joke. It takes time and energy, and frankly, I don't always find it necessary. I'm pretty content here where I am.

I wish it weren't so much work. I wish that everyone related to me the same way I try to relate to them. So I wouldn't have to communicate. Or at least, that we had so much in common, it became easy to talk about everything. But it doesn't work like that. You have to be so intentional. You have to make phone calls and send emails even when they don't respond, because maybe they just aren't the sort who respond well. Maybe they're happy just seeing you once a year and talking on the phone (for the record, I HATE talking on the phone). You have to communicate intensely about your expectations and your goals. You have to forgive so often and let go of things that they did that didn't mean to hurt but they did.

You have to work to keep them, but still let them go. I don't know the balance that well. When i make a friend, I sort of just want them to stay with me and like me the best. But they usually don't, and they usually prefer someone else over me. It sucks.

But, I've learned, maybe not every person has to be the "best friend" you remember from high school. Maybe this one's here to help you with parenting, and this one knows how it feels when you aren't getting along with your husband, and one is so fun to go to concerts with, and one hangs out at your house and likes your family, and another one only sees you at church. I guess that's part of being a grown up too. Letting go of expectations and letting them be--letting it be what it is.

Making Friends Part Four (Truth in the Inner Parts)

There was a person in my life at one time (as an adult) who really wanted to be friends with me. I liked her a lot too. We talked and visited and got along pretty well. Until one night, she shared with me that she was jealous of me. She talked about why, and I told her she didn't need to be an explained why. I thought it had all been worked out that night and we moved on.

I didn't really understand jealousy, and how it creeps in when you don't want it to be there. How it undermines your trust and security. I didn't empathize with this friend. And I'm dense, so I really didn't know what was going on below the surface. We kept meeting up and visiting whenever she was in town. One time, we got together and talked for a long time, and I just decided to share. I knew how closed off I got, and I decided she was trustworthy and would be a good friend. So I talked and we talked and it was so nice.

The next time we were together, I realized that the jealousy she had still hadn't gone away. It was something someone else said to me, and I never confronted her about it. I planned to, but then it just didn't work out. The time never got right.

so because of that, I lost a lot of time. W e're still friends, and I think I finally shared what the deepest hurt was, how she hadn't trusted me even when I'd borne my soul to her. eventually we worked through it. I should have been more understand. Less jumpy and quick to judge.

I think, as I look back, our whole friendship was built on faulty premises. She didn't trust me, and because of that I didn't really trust her. I had a lot of bitterness for several years. (If you're asking why I didn't just dump her it was because she actually ended up being a relative and I thought it was worth keeping the relationship strong). And I wonder how many friendships through the years have been like that. Laid on top of sand, which crumbles and gives way to time and changes.

Because a real friendship, a heart relationship, starts with accepting each other and loving each other as we are. We can't do that if we're hiding our true selves. I do hide. It's easier than being vulnerable and letting someone have the chance to hurt me by rejecting me. If you build on anything but truth and honesty, the relationship will go one of two ways: you'll have to dig through some ugly dirt to uncover what it truly is, or you'll split in two and go seperate ways whenever circumstances or personalities or opinions change.

I think my big problem is just exposing my weakness. Not necessarily dumping every mistake I've ever made and sharing all of my intimate thoughts, but just exposing the fact that I struggle when something hard comes into my life.

Maybe what it comes down to is just being OK with weaknesses. I'm not, I don't think. sometimes I am, if it's a convenient one that I know everyone has. But I don't really like sharing my thoughts with others. And I think, sometimes, that practiced hardness locks God out too. It's not like He doesn't know. I just don't prefer to acknowledge my problems.

While I was working through this jealousy problem with that friend, I read Psalm 51. Verse 6 says, "You desire truth in the inward parts, and in the hidden part you will make me to know wisdom. Cleanse me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me and I will be whiter than snow."

I think, if I can have that attitude with God, it will become easier to have it with people. If I'm OK with my weaknesses and sin, because I know God's taken care of them, then I'll be OK with other people knowing them. rightness with God equals rightness with men. His perspective is what I should be living by, not the ones that others put on me.

Is the Brightness Still in Me

This is for Scarlet:
The lyrics of this song sort of responds to your comment, I think. About my faith and how it seems to weaken and grow at different places in life. IT's one of my favorite songs by Charlie Peacock, primarily because there's an awesome non-bluegrass banjo solo and I think that's cool.

I've always liked the depth and poetry in this guy's lyrics. I have no idea what kind of music you like (scar) but he's kind of jazz-influenced pop. I think there's a link on the side of my blog for his site.

Anyway!

Is the Brightness Still in Me
(Copyright 1999 Sparrow Music, written by Charlie Peacock)

The number of my days
The span of my ways
Too many to mention
too wide to hold
Written on my skin
Is the shape that I'm in
I know I'm not a young man
But neither am I old

Still I gotta wonder
Is the brightness still in me
Can I hold my own and sing a simple song
Oh I gotta wonder
Is the brightness still in me
as it was when I was young and first believed?

The light of God within
Forever grace given
To every sinner broken
Who dares to call God strong
Holy Spirit speak
when my light grows weak
Make me shine like Jesus
Fill me with His song

Chorus

And I think I've learned
to love the freedom of the boundary line
where freedom in the Spirit equals peace of mind
Still there are nights when I close my eyes
and wrestle with the powers of hell
There are just as many if not more good mornings
when I wake up laughing
and remember all is well

The Doubting Thomas

The day before Easter morning, I got to thinking about what the disciples might have been thinking, with Jesus' body still in the grave, everything up the in the air. I have no idea what they really did think, but I wrote this because I thought it might be applicable to my heart.

Doubting Thomas

So here we are, tonight,

waiting for news.

All of our dreams gone

No one to lead us

No new ambitions

No hope

The “savior”, succumbed to death

beaten and bruised

Laughed at, spit on,

Betrayed by our friend.

Laying in a cave somewhere

What’s the next step?

Now that we have been scattered

Lost our shepherd,

Wandering like lonely sheep.

Hiding behind closed doors

Praying to someone we thought we’d known

The Powerful One, the Almighty

Gone now , with a gasp of air

And had He whispered something then?

We sit like refugees

Waiting for the guards to take us

Waiting for word from that tomb

Faith shaken, heart pounding every moment

And none of us has slept in two days.

I remember He’d said this would happen

But I didn’t believe.

I never believed until later

And I don’t know if I can believe now.

I’ve never been so afraid

I’ve never known fear like this

Not just from the darkness and the earthquakes

And the walking dead

But the emptiness here in my soul

The doubt that pierces and screams and fights

What if everything He said was wrong?

What if I followed Him to my death

And His?

But I remember His words

The soft way he spoke

With quiet authority over it all

Every situation, every storm

Every question presented

And each moment

In which we saw nothing happening,

Where the Father watched and waited

Where we stared and contemplated

His words, so true

So hard to understand.

He said He’d raise again, and I remember

The prophesies from when I was young

The Messiah would live

And rule, and save us from oppression

But He always had something else on His mind

Healing sick people and teaching new things.

Where is the Healer now?

Locked behind a stone, guarded there

Like a prisoner, even in death.

and I don’t think He even said goodbye.

But those last words

I’ll always remember

He called me His friend

He said I wouldn’t be an orphan

He promised me a helper to be there

And to teach me

He talked about mansions and glory

And the Spirit of Truth

He told us to not be troubled

To trust in God, trust also in Him

and He prayed for our peace

I can hold on to that

At least for tonight

And when the morning comes,

When Peter and John go to check

I will know what kind of teacher He was.

I will believe His words for now

Even in the darkness

Because I have no where else to go

He possessed the words of life

He shared the Father with us

Like no one ever had

And for that, I will ever love Him

I will still follow to the death.

Because I think He’s the way to God

The truth in everything uncertain

And in Him we find life.