Doubt

We sat across from each other with a backgammon game between us (who even knows how to play that!), hot tea in our hand, on old plush couches with coffee shop music filling the empty spots in our conversation. We were in The Living Room, a college student friendly cafe that had Christian bands preforming on weekends, and lots of tasty food and coffee to enjoy. But tonight I just felt a lump in my throat, and i didn't want to eat or drink.
I hadn't ever really told anyone about the dark plaguing doubt that had overtaken my heart that semester. It had been creeping in for a while, in different things, as I sat through Bible classes and scoured verses and listened to sermons and sang songs in chapel. I believed in God. I knew my faith was true, and yet, the more I read the Bible, the more questions arose, and the more I wondered if maybe there was a chance I'd made a mistake.
It was honest questioning, but I was afraid to ask the questions. I thought that the whole Christian community I'd surrounded myself with would shun me. I was engaged then and I was afraid my fiance would want to break up. I wanted everyone to believe that I was intelligent and spiritual and I was afraid to give words to those things in my heart that were pounding against in the darkness of night.
Doubt.
What I didn't realize then, as an insecure 19-year-old, was that doubt is part of faith. Without doubt, there can't be faith. If you never had to question your beliefs, they wouldn't really be worth believing in. But no one tells you that before you leave for college. No one warns you that you can get so absorbed in Christian college atmospheres that you can lose sight of your own faith.
Thank the Lord for my friend Nathan. He was a senior that year, so when I asked him if we could talk, he took me out to the Living Room and I spilled what had been hiding in my heart. He knew me well. We'd had a lot of talks that year, and he and I thought the same about so many things. When I told him what I was thinking, about the doubt and the questions, he told me it was OK. And he told me that he didn't know other people felt the same way he did. I was so relieved then. Not only because I gave voice to the fears and doubts and called them what they were, but then I knew I had a like minded person who suffered in the same way I did.
I'm not really sure what happened after that. I started writing my questions down like Nathan adised, and looking everywhere I could for answers. I knew a lot of philosphy back then, and I had a lot more time to read. And God always drew me back to the foundation I had in Him. Somewhere in the rest of that semester, I found Him again. He'd been hidden from me. Not the theology and written words and teachings and all of the things that men say about Him. But Him. Jesus, my friend, who knows me and loves me and cares for me. And the questions become afterthoughts when I remember His promises, the way He's led me.
They're still there. I think they always will be. It's the way my mind works, asking questions and wondering about origins and things. But no matter where I go in my wanderings, I just can't completely walk away. Because "he remains faithful when we are faithless", and I know, like CS Lewis said, He is Himself the answer.


Harder to Believe Than Not To - Steve Taylor

Nothing is colder than the winds of change/ when a chill numbs the dreamer til a shadow remains/ among the ruins lies your tortured soul/ was it lost there or did you just surrender control? You shiver with doubts that were left unattended. so you tossed away the cloak that you should have mended / you know by now why the chosen are few/ it's harder to believe than not to. Harder to believe than not to.
Some stay paralyzed until they succumb/ others do what they feel/ but their senses are numb/ and some get trampled by the pious throng/ still they limp along
And are you steady enough/ to move to the front/ is it nods of approval or the truth that you want/ and if they call it a crutch then you walk with pride/ your accusers have always been afraid to go outside
They shiver with doubts that were left unattended/ so they toss away the cloak that they should have mended/ you know by now why the chosen are few/ it's harder to believe than not to
Harder to believe than not to.