15 Years Ago

Everyone has these events in their life that shape their future and become that black thread in their tapestry. Some of them are really huge. Divorces, parents leaving, deaths, breakups. Some people have more than one. Some people probably have hundreds, linked up together with other ones, inseparable from the reds and blues and greens.
I don't have very many. And it sounds so trival when I talk about it. I know it isn't monumental, and I know it's really not "that big of a deal", but it took a long time to really get over it.
15 years ago, we were at a church where things went amuck. I can't really share all of the details because I don't feel like it. There were so many things happening behind the scenes. So many creepy dark spiritual things that I hate even remembering. And, many of the things were just simple church politics gone wrong.
Dad confronted the leadership, who, I think were a little self-serving and self-absorbed. Mostly just deceived. They asked him to leave the church. They called him the devil, and said that we were blaspheming the Holy spirit. Whatever that means.
I can't really explain it the way I should. I think, at age 15 I understood most of what was happening. But I can't explain it well. especially if you've never been injured by a church. It doesn't really make sense. It's like, you should just move on and find a better church, right?
But when people you trust, and love and spend so much of your life with, turn their backs on you, it's really hard to handle.
I had a guy friend back then. We weren't officially anything, mostly because he was two years younger than me and I was pretty good friends with his sister. we were close, though. He'd call me up and kind of try to argue about why we'd left. I didn't really have any good answers, I just knew it was right. And he stopped calling eventually and I didn't really see him again for a long time. I still miss him and wonder what might have happened if he'd stayed in touch.
When the people who are your spiritual leaders all forsake you, it leaves you kind of at a loss. My dad of course, was the biggest spiritual leader, and I followed him ultimately. but it did make me start to wonder if what I'd learned my whole life was even true. I had no idea how to filter out what was actually true and what was nonsense and lies and unbiblical.
So we left, and really, in the end, only one of my friends stayed friends with me. I wasn't really popular at school. By "wasn't really" I mean I had one actual friend who I even liked talking to and a couple of other geeks who I talked to a lot by default since we were always the losers. That left me my brothers (who are awesome), my best friend Bethany (whose parents are way more mature and wise than most of their peers and didn't get so wound up over some theological differences, and still let their daughter hang around me even though they probably actually didn't want to) and my internet friends. Primarily Brian who is still one of the most amazing people I know.
It was lonely. Wow, it was lonely.
And there was a lot of other crap going on. Creepy things. Some people would call it "spiritual warfare" or "spiritual attack". People left weird sidewalk graffiti outside of our house. Someone broke the window in our van (right outside my bedroom window). My sister got hit by a car. My mom had episodes where she couldn't breathe. There were nightmares. It was just creepy.
I was fifteen. i loved Jesus but at that point, that was all I knew. I hated church. I wanted to like it but I just didn't. We were visiting other places, trying to find a good fit. None of them fit. Not that our first church really did either. I'd never liked the youth group there. But I did like my Bible quiz team and my four friends, and now they were gone.
We visited a lot of churches. We were seriously considering one. Then my folks decided to try one of the other ones that they'd gone to without us a few weeks ago. We all went.
That day, I found light in my darkness. I found the best youth group I'd ever seen with people who were friendly and actually cared about spiritual things, and really let God live in their hearts. The pastor preached a REAL sermon. The music was great and engaging. They all seemed to like each other. After the service, the pastor walked among the people and talked with them like they were all his friends. And they were.
Fifteen years ago, the black thread in my tapestry had a bright yellow thread wound around it. And, there were years of scars to take care of ahead of me. But there, in that awesome youth room with blue and yellow ceiling tiles, and cheerful kids and good Bible teaching, I found home. And I'd never even known that I could be in a place so comfortable, so welcoming and so right.
It was streams in my desert. It was a feast set before me when I'd been eating dry bread. And it still is that way, 1,000 more people later. A husband, two kids, and hundreds of friends later. I love it there. And, God redeems and restores.