Joy and Sorrow

"Joy and sorrow are this ocean/and in their every ebb and flow/now the Lord a door has opened/that all hell could never close/here I'm tested and made worthy/tossed about/lifted up/in the reckless raging fury that they call the love of God" ~ Rich Mullins "The Love of God"

Thursday is Jayna's first birthday. Friday will be Grace's 2nd birthday. I'm not sure you call it a birthday, but I guess I will for the sake of no better word. I love that this is the case, and I hate it all at once. I'm glad the happy milestone comes before the sad one. In a way, it helps me remember the sad one more. It always brings forth such a slew of emotions. Unexpected ones.

The mind is magical almost, in how it lives in cycles and recalls things subconsciously. Before I even realized how close the anniversary of Grace's death was, I sat in the car one night mulling it over, remembering that day so vividly. Then I realized that her birthday was two weeks away. I missed her some, thinking about what life would be like right now if things had gone according to the plan (lower case P).

Then I thought about what kind of cake I needed to make for Jayna and how to celebrate her birthday. And I thanked God for the joy and sorrow that tangle together so hopelessly, that there is absolutely no way I can remove one from the other. Without Grace, there would be no Jayna. Without Jayna, there would be a resounding hollowness. I think that's why I relate with the way Rich described God's love. Reckless and raging fury. It's inescapable when you know Him. It burns in your heart and holds you when you cry. It reminds you of the good and the bad. It fills you with joy, even on cold days when the sun won't shine. It redeems and recaptures and drags you along through every moment, holding on tighter than you ever could.

How strange it is when the Lord chooses to redeem a tragedy, rolling over the sorrow with a new joy. How beautiful, and how mysterious. How wonderful.