JJ

Happy Birthday to my whirlwind daughter,
The Stinky-Pants Wonder
Sister indeed
Strong spirited, iron willed
tough-as-nails
Monster hair
Reckless snuggler
Joy of my heart.
Bringer of victory.
Evidence of God's grace,
poured abundantly on our lives

pain and purpose

I apologize for the depressing posts lately. I have one more. Then I think I'll just keep it all bottled up inside after that.

So, I've always liked winter, and it hasn't ever been a super depressing struggle for me to get through. Until three years ago. That year winter lasted for-EVER. Even when it was over, it was still there. It was a long one on the records, and cold and snowy and just depressing for someone who was dealing with grief. And I sat at home a lot, wallowing in sorrow and tears.

Ever since then it hits me around this time of year. I can't figure out if it will ever stop. And like I've said before, I'm not sure I want it to because it's the only little piece I have of my Gracie.

Last week they did a skit for "sanctity of life" Sunday. It was supposed to be this girl who was getting ready to go to earth, and she peeked at her plan that had been written in the book of lives, how she would become a lawyer and raise kids, etc. But then at the end, there was a little note that said, "Although a beautiful plan has been written for her life, it will not come to pass." Then we realized that something on earth had happened, something bad, and she wouldn't make it there....
It was supposed to be an affirmation that life is precious and we should be supporting efforts of people who want to preserve babies' lives.
All I heard was, "Although your baby had a beautiful plan written for her life, it didn't happen."
Yeah. Perfect timing.
Daniel said he cried every time he saw it (he was on the praise band so he saw it four times) and didn't realize til the last time that that was why. Our little baby. Something went wrong. Something I had no control over. And so many pieces of me will always have questions and hurt and doubts. And no one wanted it to be this way.

So. If you see me crying during songs at church or looking a little "blue", just remember. January 29th. Written forever in my heart.

and I know

That the world doesn't revolve around me
that everyone had legitimate reasons for not being able to hang out
that it doesn't matter anyway
that I have lots of really great friends
that my life is so great and I shouldn't complain.

I'm going to blame it on being husband-less all week. And the weather.

Loser

No matter how old I get and what changes in life, I still find myself, so very often, dressed up with no place to go. Throwing parties that no one comes to. Not invited to the ones everyone else is going to. Introducing my friends to each other and finding that they like each other better than me.
Saying or doing something that a friend doesn't like and never hearing from them again.
Apparently I'm just not that fun to hang out with.
And today I'm freaking lonely. And I just wanted to go to a movie with some friends, but, out of at least twenty people, only two could come. And then those two had to change their plans.
And I'm alone.

Lost in Space

Warning: this post contains nothing but complaining. Depression may ensue if you read on.

Ugh. I haven't recovered from "The Holidays" yet.
I think it's getting worse. Maybe it's seasonal affective disorder, or just lack of sunshine in general. Maybe it's some other chemical imbalance.
I'm tired all the time. The 2 year old wakes up at least once a night now, even though she could sleep through the night, she's reprogrammed herself some how. Ugh.
I wander around like a zombie. The last few days I feel like have been a haze. I'm doing the stuff I have scheduled, but I just don't really feel much. Except being annoyed and irritable. Which is great.
And I've been feeling like a complete failure in so many ways. Even if I tell myself it isn't true or it doesn't matter, I still feel like I suck at everything. And, I sort of do.
I guess it's just a "desert time". I have things to learn about myself and new mercies to experience and good things are still happening, but I'm weary. And that's just how it feels today. Maybe tonight I'll sleep well and it will all be OK tomorrow.

Letting Go

I let my daughter stay the night at the neighbor's house tonight. She's only stayed with grandparents before. Definitely harder on Mommy than on her.

This is what letting go feels like
little by little bit by bit
a hug and a kiss and a wave over the shoulder
and then a shrug or nothing
and you'll walk out that door
And a little part of me is sad
and it wants to hold you here forever
with your sweet smile
and your hand in mine
But most of me knows I just have to face it
that little girls grow up
and this is what letting go feels like
losing a little piece of perfection
a moment that can never return
while I am reminded
and you have to learn
that the wonderful world
is full of darkness and danger
and I can't always keep you safe
even while beauty flourishes and little lights still shine
you have to know who you can trust.
And I don't want to do it
not now or ever
i tell myself you aren't ready
while you tell me you are.
and this is what letting go feels like
taking these hearts so easily broken
and putting them into Bigger Hands
while the dangers and darkness swirl around us
while the tides and cultures change
in the midst of time
while I can still hold your tiny hand in mine
I will teach you to let your little light shine.