This year May 9th was less painful than the previous two years. I think it will be that way with every passing year. And I'm glad, but at the same time, it makes me sad that Grace will become more and more of a memory and less and less of a reality. I missed her. Sitting there at church, realizing that today I could have had a little two year old in my arms while we sang "Blessed Be your Name". I cried a little bit during that song, and then I clung to Arlene.
Jayna was sick so Daniel stayed home with her.
My friend whose baby died the same year as Grace stood on stage for child dedications with her family. Her husband admitted the difficulty of it being his first time on stage since the funeral of their little baby. I cried then too.
Then I didn't cry the rest of the day. The sad part about the due date birthday being on Mother's Day was that I was really conflicted. Part of me wanted to tell everyone and remind them about that little girl I should have been holding. But the considerate part of me just wished everyone happy Mother's Day and got on with life. I'd hoped my church would take my recommendation to have memorial flowers available for mothers who had lost children. They didn't. My family didn't even mention it. But we had a nice time anyway. My sister came home for a few days so we hung out and had ice cream and pizza. Real Mother's Day-ish.
We went to the greenhouse with my mother-in-law and then stopped at the playground and visited for a while. It was nice.
They didn't remember. And I shouldn't expect anyone to. And what would they say even if they did?
One thing that has turned into a little blessing, though, is the friends who were pregnant at the same time as me. There were a LOT of babies born that spring. Two close friends had their due dates a week on either end of mine. They always remember, and I'm thankful. Because even if it's just one person, it matters. It matters that my baby isn't lost forever in the annuls of time and horrific events that everyone's glad they didn't have to experience. Because I love her, and I can't forget and I can't let go. It's all I have to hold on to.
Mother's Day will always be that way for me, I think. Joy and sorrow. Mingled there in my heart, both reminders of Grace. Both reminders of God's faithfulness and goodness and love.
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5 comments:
I had no idea you'd gone through that. I'm so sorry! I'm sure there are many mothers out there that can relate, and I'm so glad a few of your friends remembered to say something. Thanks for being a mom and for all you do!
Not only do I remember, but I pray for you, and our other friend who lost a baby that year. I just don't always know what to say, though when we do talk, I wonder. I don't get to see you often, but we think about you guys a ton, and not just when we have car questions. :)
I second what Tiffanie said. We'll talk more later :)
Hugs
Karen
Oh K. I'm sorry you went through what you did... I know you see all the angles, the beauty and the trial and the triumph, but still I'm sorry you went through that pain. I'll always remember for you, anyway. My mother's birthday is today. It always fell on or near Mother's Day too, and now that she's gone, it's a sad day for me. Though it makes me think of her beauty too. Much love to you.
I thought about you. I also think about Grace. You are a mother of three daughters and you always will be (unless God blesses you with another, then it will be four, etc.)
I like the idea that you suggested to your church. Will you please remind me of that idea when I become a pastor, and/or of other ideas like it.
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