Making Friends Part Two (Along The Road)

i once heard someone on the radio talk about friendships in two categories: Friends of the road and friends of the heart. It speaks for itself. You have some friends you walk along side while you're on whatever path--school, work, motherhood, etc. You have other friends who you usually meet on that path, but there's more to it. You connect on a deeper level, and even if your paths seperate, you remain close.

I often think about that and wonder how so many of my friends who i thought were heart friends, ended up leaving me. My best friend in high school, Copper (identity veiled), was so incredible. We agreed on everything. We were weird. We liked the same things. We shared the same faith, or at least she said she did. We even had the same birthday. I thought we'd be friends forever. But, when she went to Georgia for school, we hardly talked. We'd chat online some, but slowly that faded. She was in my wedding (and I sorely regret not having her as a bridesmaid but that's another story), and after that, I just hardly saw her. I didn't realize she didn't want to be friends, so I kept writing her and giving her presents and things, and eventually I realized that she'd just decided to ignore me. So we aren't friends anymore, and she doesn't agree with my lifestyle or faith and beliefs and it breaks my heart. Because I wonder how stupid I was, how naive? Was she lying all along just so I'd like her? Why couldn't I see her for who she really was, or did she just simply change? I thought we were great friends, but I hardly knew her.

Same thing has happened with multiple people. And it drives me nuts. What is it about me that keeps people at arm's length? Why can't I just share my heart with them instead of only sharing my life?

As adults, it seems harder to find "friends of the heart". I guess because we don't have as many friends of the road, and we're too busy with other things to invest a lot of time. I've often thought I was coming upon a friend of the heart, only to discover that the feelings aren't mutual. those failures only push me further away from people and add another layer of bricks to my defensive wall.

When you take off your mask and tear away everything you do to look good, what's left is your heart. Laid bare. exposed to the arrows and rocks of "friends". Also exposed to healing salves and oils of forgiveness, beauty and love. Is it worth it? I haven't decided. I like it when I can get to that point with someone, but it takes a long time. And, with every friend who's left me walking alone on the side of the road, my defenses are harder to tear away. I haven't met a lot of people who find it worth their while to work through those either.

Which reminds me of a song. So I will post the lyrics, because I'm sure you're all so interested. It's a song Christine Dente wrote about her husband, paralleling God and His work in her life. I cried the first time I heard it.

Becoming

These are my sidewalks
They wound around the neighborhood
Always led me straight and safely home
But now they're uneven
'Cause roots move beneath them
And time won't leave well enough alone

And I had been trying to smooth these stones
Thought I could make my way alone

I tried the whimsical, gauzy pink dresses
That spin in the wind when you twirl
But somehow the princess gown
Never did fit this girl
So I fled the garden for the tower

And I had been hiding behind these stones
Thought I'd be well enough alone

Then you came nearer
You held the mirror
I saw myself there in your eyes

And I had been running
Still you pursued
I watched you move each heavy stone
The thorns around me tore your skin
But you kept coming through
'Cause you won't leave well enough alone

I am becoming what I once was
The girl in the mirror of your love
I am becoming
Your love becomes me

© 2002 Mighty Grey Music/Lil' Yella House Music/
Dayspring Music, LLC (BMI)

Making Friends Part One (The history)

When i was a kid, I met my best friend Stasia in kindergarten. We played at recess, we stayed at each others' houses on weekends and went out to eat with the other's family. She was an only child, I had two brothers. We had so little in common, and yet we just liked each other.
Turns out it's the same way today. We didn't talk a lot in middle school or the first half of high school, but we ended up going to college together. And, as we became adults, we had to reform our friendship. Rewrite it. Being friends as kids, you have all this common ground to stand on because you have the same classes, ride the same bus, and play the same games. As adults you live in your own houses and have big responsibilities to take care of. You choose different, grown-up hobbies which don't usually involve collecting rocks or watching the latest boy band.

I credit most of our friendship to the fact that Stasia didn't back away through the changes. When I got married, most of the friends I'd had from high school stopped calling and hanging around. I guess that dynamic changing caused them to be uneasy or awkward, even though it hadn't been before I was married, even with spouse along. I don't know what changed, because I haven't really lived the single life and seen it from their perspective. From mine, what I saw was I wasn't good enough to be their friend.

It sounds painful, but long before that, I'd closed myself off from getting hurt. Because, I was used to. I don't know when it started, but I've felt so alone so often. Starting in forth grade (when my evil teacher transferred all of my new friends out of my class) I just haven't quite fit in. No one was really mean to me. I wasn't the kid who was weird enough to get made fun of. Just weird enough to not fit in. So I spent most of my recess days making up stories in my head and trying to avoid being talked to. I made an art of not getting picked on. My brothers both were picked on, and I didn't want that, so I became invisible. It worked pretty well. People thought I was the shy girl, or would say that I was nice. "Nice" means not interesting enough to be friends with you, but not weird enough to be worth picking on.

Youth group was worse than school, really. Aside from Bethany, my true blue friend who has always been there for me, I was probably the only kid in my class who cared to learn about Jesus or anything the Bible said. And church kids are mean. They always were for some reason. I hung around the youth leaders a lot and babysat their kids.

I didn't mind being a misfit most of the time. Thankfully, I was part of a secure family unit who accepted me and loved me. I tried to stay out of their way and keep them out of my life as much as possible, but I think it was just protecting myself from being forced to make friends with anyone. Because friendship just didn't really work well for me.

The hardest blow was probably in seventh grade when I had this nice little group of frineds I hung out with. The one day, I don't know why, they decided not to like me anymore. And they went around the table and each said why they couldn't sit with me for lunch, and I never got to eat at their table or work in their project groups again. It ended up being me and this Mormon girl Sara (who actually ended up being really popular in high school) at a table with a couple other rejects.

Actually, right after that happened, I also had the classic teenage TV show problem that doesn't really happen to anyone. I was the only girl in the whole class who didn't get invited to a party. It didn't turn otu to be an accident like it does on TV, either. The girls throwing the party made sure I knew they'd invited "Everyone. Even Corey and Karen. Just not the losers." They looked right at me when they said that. Evil girls. i still don't know why they hated me like that.

When high school came, things actually got worse. My middle school combines with other middle schools to make high school, and I came from a small class. I didn't know anyone in most of my classes, save one guy from church who was actually pretty nice at school (didn't talk to me much at church before that). I did eventually meet some friends, and I'm even still friends with a cuople of them now. So it wasn't all bad. The worst blow was when we left the church we went to. The youth group there had been pretty terrible but i did have some friends, and I did have a place there. When we left, my close friend Adam got mad about it. we argued one day, and then he never talked to me again. For a few months, it seemed like I just didn't have anyone to be friends with.

stasia wasn't in my life. Bethany went to the church we'd just left and was laying low (she came around, though, and I'm so glad). I didn't know anyone at school very well. I didn't connect with anyone. Thank God for the internet because one great friend got me through. I've talked about Brian before though. Also, my older brother is pretty awesome and let me tag along when he did stuff with his friends, so I at least had stuff to do even if I was just a tag along.

This is turning into a pretty long post, which I didn't mean to have happen. I just wanted to lay the foundation for what I've been thinking about adult friendships. This obviously has nothing to do with adult friendships. I'll get there, promise. Not in this post.

Anyway, all of the history is just to share the loneliness. I suppose everyone feels like no one knows them at some point. And there were bright spots in my aloneness. There was Josh who played French horn with me and shared homework answers. He was alawys really nice to me. And Jonathan and Aaron in forth grade. But they played football at recess and I didn't like playing football. They drew pictures in class, and I liked that part. It's not like no one talked to me. and usually they even did so respectfully. They just didn't invite me out on weekends. But, because of the invisible thing and trying so hard to not get made fun of and protecting myself, I just built a giant wall around my heart to keep anyone from knowing me. I didn't want anyone to have any ammunition to hurt me with. Including my family. No one knew me, no one seemed to care enough to (except for Brian) and sadly, by the end of my freshman year, I was pretty satisfied to just have it stay that way.

To be continued.

Gadarean Monologue

I'm thinking about Easter, since it's just a couple of weeks away. Earlier today while my mind wandered, I thought about how Jesus' life on earth changed the status quo. How He could say just a few words and suddenly, life became a mystery again and the wonderful came into grasp. How many simple lives He changed forever, and how His choices ripple through mankind, even today, calling us, stirring up a longing for more.

Back in my days as a Younglife leader, we did a special thing for our Easter talk one year. All of us shared a monologue from the perspective of someone whose life was changed by Jesus. All of them pointed to different aspects of Jesus' character and life. I chose to talk about the man possessed by demons in the Gerasenes region. (Luke 8:23-39) (Mark 5:1-20)

I took a little creative license, but mostly it's taken right from that text. I wrote it with a spin to help relate to the teens in our group, but I thought I'd share it. Bear in mind it is copyrighted material and if you want to reproduce it you'd need my permission.

Gadarean Monologue

I’ll never forget the night Jesus came to the Gadarean tombs. I’d never seen him before, but the demons inside of me knew him well. Until he came, they controlled everything I did. All I could do was wander around up in the tombs and try to make it stop. People chased me out of the town because they were so afraid of what the demons would do. For a while, they’d lock me up with ropes, but pretty soon the demons made me strong enough to break them. Then they tried chains and I could break them too. They were stronger than me and stronger than anything I tried to do to stop them. I was delusional. So frustrated with everything I did. I wanted to change and be a good person. I wanted to live with my family and lead a normal life. But these demons…

They were stronger than me. Stronger than any other man.

Lately I’d taken to cutting at myself. I’m not sure why, but it made me feel better. I was just so guilty and tired and frustrated. Cutting made me feel human again. Cutting gave me control over the demons. For a while. But then I couldn’t stop. And I just stayed up in the tombs on the hills, crying. Screaming, hoping someone would save me. But knowing that there was no hope. No one short of God Himself could control the strength of the demons.

Until Jesus. There he was, coming across the lake. As soon as he got out of the boat, I ran to him. The demons tried to pull me away, but I ran. Then, they made it so I couldn’t talk and they started talking to Him. He was saying for them to leave me, but they fought inside of me, asking Him not to torture them, calling him the Son of God.

And he must have been the Son of God, because next thing I knew, the demons were gone. Well, not totally gone. They went into a herd of pigs. And now here I am, back to normal. No more crazy midnight screaming. No more running around in shame and anger. No more cutting. And I can’t stop thinking about Jesus. There was no one strong enough to stop those demons. There was no way to do it. And then there he was. And He did the impossible. With just a couple little words, they were gone. He saved me.

Women of Faith

Last weekend, I drove to Des Moines with a friend and attended the Women of Faith conference. I had a good time hanging out with Marie and enjoyed the conference too. I'd been one other time and hadn't really liked it, but this time I felt like God wanted me to go. I got a good deal on tickets, and a musician I really respect was supposed to be there (he didn't come which really disappointed me). It was good, anyway. I got to see Nicole C. Mullin with her teenage dance team. Also Mendisa who is freaking amazing. That girl can sing. And I was impressed with what she had to say too. I bought her CD and if you know me at all, you're probably laughing because I don't really like hip-hop at all. But she sang a song I really liked to a friend of hers who had lost her baby. So yeah.
Sandy Patti also talked and sang. I guess that was a privilidge, but I'm just not a big fan of that kind of music. She has a great voice.
We listened to different speakers talk about faith and God and what it's got to do with day-to-day life. I'll just share a few highlights of what was said, in case you're interested:

Andy Andrews: Become successful by asking good questions. Bad question="Is this wrong?" Good question = Is this a wise decision?
A mistake requires an apology. A decision requires forgiveness.
Everything you do really matters. (I'd give his proof of that, but it would take too long).

LIsa Whelchel: She talked about good friendships and learning how to share life and connect as an adult. There is a diference between being transparent and being vulnerable.

Sandy Patti: Sometimes when we think God is saying no to your dream, he isn't. He's just saying yes to the dream He has for you.

Patsy Clairmont: God's principles will deepen your desire and ability to follow Him, and as you live them out, your ability to find those principles and apply them to your life will grow.
People matter. You don't know what you do that might affect someone, but everything you do matters.
If you have a girl, you give her a tiara and a tu-tu. If you have a boy, you give him a puppy and a sailor's suit.

Well. That's about all I guess. I recommend the conference if you ever have a chance to go. You wouldn't regret it.

Why I Blog

In ninth grade, I met a Bible college student in a chat room. We eventually started emailing each other and became really good friends. For a while I felt like he was my only friend (perhaps unhealthy, but it got me through). If you know me well, you've heard me talk about Brian and the impact he had on my life. We eventually met in real life and stayed in contact. When he got engaged I started emailing his wife too, and it's been pretty cool to stay in touch through the years. In some ways, I still feel like Brian knows me better than most of my friends.

I don't hang out in chat rooms anymore (RIP Yackety Chat) and haven't for years. I stopped doing IM chat too because I hate how long it takes to have a conversation and I don't have a lot of spare time to sit at the computer anymore these days. I don't randomly facebook request people just so I can get to know them. I'm a housewife with a husband and kids and friends and I don't feel like I need to. My life is nice and stable.

But I've recently met a new friend in cyberspace. She's really cool and insightful and talented at writing (among other things). She has an interesting life, and I met her through blogging. It's kind of neat. We read each others' blogs and comment on them. She reminds me of friends I had in high school who don't talk to me anymore, and I like the openness there is in meeting a stranger and not having to put up pretenses because it really can't hurt you to be yourself when the other person can't even see your face.

A few years ago, I met another lady because of my blog too. She found me because she'd been researching my blood clotting factors and stillbirths. She'd lost a baby around the same time as me, and we started emailing. I love having another Factor V Leiden friend.

What can I say? I like meeting people over the interenet. I don't go out of my way to do it anymore, but if something falls in my lap, I'm pretty happy to pursue it (within reason). Technology is a fabulous thing when we use it to build each other up and encourage our lives.

That's not actually the primary reason I blog, but I do find it to be a very enjoyable side effect. Two other reasons I blog:

Stay in touch with people I don't get to see often. Well, at least they are in touch with my life. I get to check up on friends who are serving God in other countries, which is probably the best way for me to keep updated with them.

Hone writing skills I used to journal all the time. I'd fill notebooks and those leather-bound diaries that look awesome at Barnes and Nobel. Unfortunately, time and not having a desk space of my own have diminished that. (In fact, I shouldn't actually be doing this right now). I heard that Earnest Hemmingway (not positive it was him but some famous writer) taught a class, and he'd have his students spend the whole hour writing. He'd suggest doing it every day because, in some ways, it is a skill that can be practiced and built. I'm sort of out of creative juices lately, but blogging is a good way for me to practice articulating my thoughts without any pressure of deadlines or whatever.

Encouragement to others I always hope someone who needs to read something I've written will stumble upon this page and be uplifted. I don't know how often that happens, but I think it does. I think that's why I've met the couple of gals that I have. It's not that I think I have a lot to share that's deep or meaningful or useful. But sometimes even lame things can become relevant to someone's life.

Well, that's enough talking now. I have to catch up on my Bible studies. Back to real life.

Driving the Psalms

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Psalm 119:105

A couple weeks ago, I went down to visit my sister in Tennessee. I enjoyed beautiful weather and great hiking and good company of college kids. I had a really great time.

Driving home, I hit a little snag called a snow storm. What a rude awakening from the lovely weekend. It felt like life was saying, "Welcome back to reality".

The snowstorm made for terrible driving conditions. terrible. Some of the worst roads I'd seen in my whole life. I clutched the steering wheel, white-knuckled for most of the way home, barely able to see ten feet in front of me. Waiting for a plow or a sand truck, but not finding one. Being passed by people not smart enough to know the danger(or with better tires than mine).

Fresh in my mind was something the director of a play we saw while in Tennessee had said: "I see life as us waking up in a dark room, and in the distance, there's a door and there's light pouring out from the door, and a hand reaching for us. The hand is God, and when we choose to grab on to it, the rest of our life is us moving closer to that light."

That was a paraphrase, but I liked what he said. So, as I drove, I thought about God being light and how badly I needed light at that time. How those headlights, even on high beams, were barely enough to get me through. But the light was there, leading me on. Behind me, darkness and slick furrowed roads. Ahead, light, and the hope of Iowa, where they actually know how to treat/plow the highways.

Just like walking in life. I press forward with the Light ahead of me, surrounded by darkness on a treacherous path. Without the Light, surely I would lose my way. Surely I would die in a ditch, unnoticed by the rest of the world. Behind me, darkness. Ahead, the hope of Glory. The light of day. Clinging to that hand of God tighter every time I stumble. Closer to the light each time.