It's Loneliness I Need

I wrote this whoel entry in my head last night, but I'm sure I won't remember it as eloquently as I had it yesterday.
I'm up visiting my relatives in Montana this week. We're having a pretty good time. It's a lot different now that I'm married and grown up and the other cousins who are my age aren't around. We still see each other once ina while, but now there are only two cousins living here with my aunt and uncle and grandparents. They're in high school, and being around them reminds me of those days when my perspective was so... different.

"...friendship is not a remedy for loneliness. Loneliness is a part of our experience and if we are looking for relief from loneliness in friendship, we are only going to frustrate the friendship. Friendship, camaraderie, intimacy, all those things and loneliness live together in the same experience." ~Rich Mullins

Recently my friend Amy came over to visit, and some how we got on the topic of youth group and high school, and I told her about how my class in youth group was really cool and was this great group of leaders, but I was never "one of them". We got along. There was a mutual respect and even some rapport from all of the trips we went on together and all of the activities. We all knew each other pretty well.
But they were all friends who shared their lives with each other. Some how, amidst the events I helped plan, leading worship, teaching, and being present at almost every event, I was an outsider. I never felt included. And, even looking back, I'm fairly certain it wasn't just my imagination or me feeling sorry for myself.
It didn't usually bother me, but when they were planning things without including me, or when I showed up at a "friend's" house to give her a birthday card and found that she was having a sleepover, or when they all went to a school dance together and didn't even ask me if I wanted to go, I'd get so frustrated and hurt.
After a particularly hurtful experience, I went home and poured everything out in an e-mail to my mentor friend Brian. We'd talked about it before in different scenarios, and he'd always say he knew what it was like to be accepted but not included. But he would also talk about how loneliness actually stemmed from our relationship with God, or the lack thereof, and how if we weren't walking closely with Him, we'd feel lonely even if we were surrounded by people who loved us.
I think I've seen that pattern to be true. And I've noticed that I can always find a reason to feel alienated and seperate. I think that most of us do that, and i wonder if maybe it's just a way of embodying the emptiness we feel when we aren't close to God. Sure I know Him and trust Him, but walking with Him is something else. Daily getting to know Him better is hard and it's concious, and when I'm not reminding myself to do it, I can find it easy to drift.
And as I drift, I become less content with relationships and more worried about what people think of me and whether or not I'm included.
Maybe this is only something that's true to me. But I do know, no matter where I'm at, that God always understands me and knows me, and wants to include me in His plans and purposes. And when I'm remembering that, it's a lot easier to be less worried about other peoples' parties and lives. And sometimes, it's loneliness that I need to remind me how empty I am without Him.