The Marriage of Joy and Sorrow

3 years ago today was a glorious day! I finished the long journey of the worst pregnancy ever. I held that little baby in my arms and thanked God for bringing us through, for showing us His mercy once more and for the perfect gifts He gives.
Jayna Joy came, bringing victory and new beginnings.

And the joy I feel when I think about that day is so deep and real, because I've walked through on the other end, when the darkness and grief pull from every direction and linger in all of the closets and corners of my heart.

4 years ago was not a glorious day. It was a terrible day. I remember driving to the doctor and a stupid song I hated came on the radio called "Do it anyway" and I turned it off and I felt like crying. And that baby inside of me had already left and joined the chorus of angels in heaven.

And the days that followed brought out every emotion inside of me, all of the things I'd bottled up.
The weeks and months that came after that were so heavy and dark. So cold and lonely. It was a long winter, walking through the mire of guilt and loss and irrevocable pain. I've never been the same.

And I don't know how to seperate the two things, that joy and sorrow. Without the sorrow, the joy would mean so much less. It wouldn't carry with it all of the promises and hope that it does now. But without the joy, it seems the sorrow wouldn't lift. So maybe it's OK that they're married to each other. And every year, I have to remember them both. I don't want to ignore my baby Grace in hopes that the pain will go away.

I don't want the pain to leave, though. Because in so many ways, it's the only thing I have that lets me hold on to her.

I've loved Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Spring is Coming" since I first heard it. On his latest album, he wrote a sort of sequel to the original version, which he sings right after "Morning Has Broken", which I also love. I love God's hope. And I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be without it.


Spring Is Coming Reprise

The sky lost its sun and the world lost its green to lifeless brown
Now the chill in the wind has turned the Earth hard as stone
And silent the seed lies beneath ice and snow
And my heart’s heavy now, but I’m not letting go
Of this hope I have that tells me

(Chorus)
Spring is coming, Spring is coming
And all we’ve been hoping and longing for
Soon will appear
Spring is coming, Spring is coming
It won’t be long now
It’s just about here

Hear the birds start to sing
Feel the life in the breeze
Watch the ice melt away
The kids are coming out to play
Feel the sun on your skin
Growing strong and warm again
Watch the ground
There’s something moving
Something is breaking through
New life is breaking through

Repeat Chorus

Spring is coming (Out of these ashes beauty will rise)
Spring is coming (Sorrow will be turned to joy)
All we’ve been hoping and longing for (All we’ve hoped for)
Soon will appear (soon will appear)
Spring is coming (Out of the darkness beauty will shine)
Spring is coming (All Earth and Heaven rejoice)
It won’t be long now (Spring is coming soon)
It’s just about here (Spring is coming soon)