Things too Wonderful

"I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of yours can be withheld from You. You asked, 'who is this who hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."
JOb 42:2-3

Do me a favor. When something bad happens to someone, don't tell them, in the midst of their grief or the aftermath of it "God just had something better". It puts that person in an awkward position. It doesn't make the pain go away.

I've had a lot of well-meaning people (bless their hearts) say that to me in the last week or two. It really grates against me. Because I know the whole Romans 8:28 thing that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him, but at the same time, I find the "God had something better" to be incomplete theology. Because it doesn't say He works things together for the better of those who love Him. And this world is so broken that you can't guarantee better. At least not by our standards. Of course by His standards and His ultimate purpose and His sovereignty, there is always better. But right now when someone says that, I just think, "what would better be for me? Better than what? Better than my baby girl?" I mostly just nod my head when people say that. It grates against me wrong. I don't think that He let my baby die because He had something better in store (at least not for me). It doesn't comfort me. It makes me restless. It makes me want to argue with them.

I believe that He has other things, wonderful things, in store for us. And I believe that He will accomplish His good pleasure. I believe that He's good and right and just and loving. But I don't believe He intended the world to be like this, so broken and hard. I certainly don't believe
He lets bad things happen to people for the purpose of something "better". I think it hurts HIm just as much as it hurts us and probably more. But still the same, He does let bad things happen, and it's a hard thing to accept. We comfort ourselves by saying His purposes will be accomplished and all of the other Christianese jargon people say. And I know it's true if it's in the Bible. But He didn't create the world to be this way. Sin creates an absense of goodness and sin breaks and twists what God made to be good.

Still you can't help but fight through all of the questions it raises. But I've fought through them before this, when my life was at peace and I just couldn't help but wonder. And I don't have great answers but I can take comfort in believing that He does have a plan, and He does watch what's happening and is intricately involved in what goes on in my life. And he cares about the little birds that fall from the sky, and counts how many hairs are on my head. And He does have good things to accomplish and work together for and in me.

But don't say "God had something better". God has something better. God uses bad things to work together for the good of those who love Him. And I don't mind keeping my faith stocked in Someone who can promise to use whatever bad things happen for His glory, and for my good. I find Him to be my solid rock and all other ground to be shifting sand. Even if I never see "better", I know He is accomplishing even things too wonderful for me to understand. And I am privileged to get a glimpse of any of them.

[editor's note: I write this today, after struggling through two really hard days this week. I don't want people to think I'm really strong and things aren't bothering me. I'm holding together but it's because of God's grace and your prayers, not because of me. I really need your prayers right now.]

All the Way

All the way my savior leads me
and he cheers each winding path I tread
gives me strength for every trial
and feeds me with the living bread
though my weary steps may falter
and my soul a-thirst may be
gushing from a rock before me
Lo! a spring of joy I see

~ Fanny Crosby "All the Way my Savior Leads me"

That isn't just a song today. It's a description of exactly how I feel, and exactly what God does. I guess Fanny wrote this after she'd been struggling financially, and a man on the street came and offered her $5, the exact amount she needed. I think 2nd Peter 1:3 applies nicely.
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness according to our knowledge of Him who called us according to his own goodness and grace.

Factor V Leiden

My doctor called yesterday with some news. First he asked how I was doing and some other things, and then he explained that he hadn't called earlier because there hadn't been any substantial results from any of the tests. The autopsy was normal. The blood cultures on the placenta were normal. Basically everything had come back negative except for one thing. He said that it's a fairly common problem and one major side effect are miscarriages and stillbirths. It's called Factor V (five) Leiden, and it causes the blood to clot easily. Basically it means that when the blood cells replicate, one of them mutates (some people have both mutate, but in my case it's only one). It's a genetic trait that gets passed on from one parent.

There are still some more tests that haven't come back yet, so this isn't the final word, but the doctor was guessing that I got a blood clot in the placenta or umbilical cord. There could be something else also, and I guess you never really know for sure. What it means for me is that if I get pregnant again, I'll have to be on blood thinners during my pregnancy. That's about all that I know right now and I guess that's all I have to say also. Except thanks to all of the people who have sent cards and brought meals. it has made our lives much easier and we have felt so cared for.

The Dark Night of the Soul

Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
when the mountains look so big
but my faith just seems so small
so hold me Jesus
cuz I'm shaking like a leaf
you have been King of my glory
won't you be my Prince of Peace?

-"hold me Jesus" Rich Mullins

It's been a week and two days since everything happened. Physically, I feel a lot better. My back hurts a lot, but otherwise I'm mostly OK (with the help of ibuprofen). We have been so blessed by all of the emails and cards and meals we've gotten. Some people wait their whole lives looking for friends that will be there like so many of you have. I can't say thank you enough or in the right way to express how thankful I am. I do hope that you'll continue praying, because things aren't really getting easier yet. A lot of people have said they get worse before they get better. I hope that isn't true.

People ask how we're doing, and I don't know how to answer because so many things are fine. I don't really know how to explain what it feels like. You kind of live on two levels. There's the normal everyday life that continues to roll around you and take you with it, but then there's the pain that lingers under the surface and struggles to keep you remembering, even when you'd rather not. And most of the day things just go on as normal, but then it gets quiet and you're all alone for a few minutes, and there's nothing to distract you so you start thinking about it, replaying it all in your mind, asking the same questions over and over, and wishing that it some how didn't hurt so much. And when the two levels meet each other, you end up crying because you bit your tongue or dropped your bagel in the dirt.

Last night we went on a date, and Daniel told me he felt feelings for me that he hadn't in a long time. I told him when we went to bed that i felt like I'd fallen in love with him all over again. He's soooo wonderful.

I had some time to myself on Tuesday to finally write in my journal and sort things out a little. It was really nice to sit there in the coffee house and think. I'm an introvert, and with all of the support we've been having from others, I haven't processed some things. That gave me a good chance to do it. I'll share a few of the thoughts I had, and then I'll stop writing because this is already pretty long.

I've heard about the dark night of the soul, where your doubts and circumstances cause so much duress that your faith comes up against a wall. I have been there before a couple of times, sitting alone in my room and wondering why I believe in God, if it's all true or if it's just the most logical of religions and in the end they're all lies. Asking questions that don't have good clear answers, and doubting that I'd believe the answers even if I knew. It's a scary place to be in when what you've based your life on suddenly feels unreal and untrue.

I've been waiting for that to happen since this all came out, but so far it hasn't. The opposite has, and I believe that's due to your prayers and the goodness of God. I've seen His hand with every step. I feel held and carried by Him. There have been so many little things that I can attribute to Him. And the fact that I can give Him credit for them makes me glad. Because I know my personality and how my mind works, and how the shadows creep in when I let my guard down. Not that doubting is wrong. But we're blessed when we can not see and still believe. And I guess that's what's been happening, because I do feel blessed and so taken care of. Despite it all.

I still lie awake at night and try to comfort myself, but the comfort that comes is outside of myself. It's the peace that passes understanding, and it's guarding my heart and mind.