... And the things you never thought you'd have to deal with.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
"Held" by Natalie Grant

I don't really know how to write this. I'd like to be poetic and profound, but I don't want to exert the energy doing that so I guess I'll just be raw.

On Monday morning I called the doctor because I'd missed my appointment on Friday. I hadn't felt the baby move in a few days, and I was starting to get worried. They called back and had me come in to have an ultrasound (which I'd needed anyway). Everything went like normal, except the technician didn't stop to take any pictures. Then she said, "I'm not finding a heartbeat here either. I'm going to have the doctor take a look." A few minutes later, they escorted me to one of the patient's rooms and I called Daniel to come down.
I'd prayed for peace that morning. I'd been so worried that something was wrong, but in pregnancy, most of your worries end up being nothing, and we all know it doesn't help to worry. So in the shower that morning, I stopped myself from all of the crying (hormones) and prayed that God would give me peace. Then I corrected myself and prayed that God would BE my Peace. And He was. And He has been through everything that's happened, so I'm thankful that He answered that first prayer of mine and gave me that assurance that He is here.
So anyway, the doctor came in when Daniel got there and explained some things. It was a still born baby. There were some deformations, but they didn't really know what had happened yet. We needed to have labor induced, so we decided to do it right away. My mom had Arlene and was planning to watch her as long as she needed to, so we went down to the hospital and got started.
My mother-in-law stopped in later that day. Pat from church did too, to do all of the official pastoral care. It was nice, but we requested no other visitors because we didn't know what state things would be in.
It took seventeen hours of labor before I delivered, but the delivery was pretty fast. I didn't get my epidural in time. I started needing to push before he'd gotten the doses in, so it didn't really take effect until after the baby was born. But it went pretty well, all things considered.
It was a girl. We named her Grace. Since she was more than 20 weeks the state considers her a person, so we had the option of sitting with her or whatever, but we opted not to see her. It's hard to explain all of the reasons and thoughts behind our decisions, but thankfully we just agreed on everything without having to really discuss it with each other.
I couldn't eat until after I'd delivered the placenta and they'd done an ultrasound to make sure there were no remnants, so that took another four hours. Then we ate a big meal and took care of some logistics at the hospital and we came home.
It was zero degrees with 45mph gusts of wind when we came home. We got inside and found three bouquets of flowers and a lot of food. Someone had picked up the house and done dishes too. (Thanks family).
we're doing pretty well. Lots of people have offered to bring meals and help however they can, and I am so grateful. I don't really know what the next few weeks are going to be like. So far it feels like typical grief. I will probably want some company during the day and maybe people to watch Arlene or help me with some house work. I'm not supposed to do anything strenuous for a few weeks.
I don't know what else to say, I guess. Thanks to everyone who's been helping make this easier on us. I know it's hard to know what to say or do. Just know you don't actually have to say or do anything. Prayers have been helping a lot. I know. Knowing that people care about us has made me so thankful for the family of God, and for our families here.
I think that's all for now. If you'd like to help with something, I'd prefer the e-mail contact method over phone, because I'm having a hard time making decisions right now. Thanks to everyone for caring so much. I never thought I'd be in this position.
But my life has been so easy, in some ways, I've been waiting for the bomb to drop. It hasn't been as terrible as I thought it would be, but it has been terrible.

Winter Blues... Thankful list

Last night I was wishing that I were a missionary just so I could send out update letters with things I'm thankful about. But since I'm not a missionary and won't be for a long time if ever, I guess I'll just have to use my blog.
I've been feeling sort of depressed lately, and you're supposed to start being thankful when you're feeling sorry for yourself, so I am going to make a short list of things I'm thankful for. It's probably really boring, so you don't have to read it. But I want to write it. :o)

My french horn which I got as a Christmas present
writer's group
Arlene and all of her cute smiles and hugs
Daniel, the love of my life who becomes more wonderful with every passing day (and I'm not just saying that because I'm a romantic. Because I'm not).
Valentines
my laptop
My small group and the book we're reading about faith
e-mail because otherwise I wouldn't have any friends
my cousins who are all actually pretty cool
panara, brewed awakenings and Breugers
that my brother and sister are in town right now