Inside on the Outside (and a slew of parentheticals for your reading enjoyment)

Here's something I've been thinking about lately. How we get left out.
It's been a lifelong struggle for me. Brian used to say "Accepted but not included", and that's usually how I feel. I had a good friend in high school, one who was even in my wedding.
On her birthday, I showed up with Daniel (we were all friends) to deliver a birthday card for her. She was having a slumber party. I wasn't invited.
I still secretly hope that she felt really bad.
But that pretty much defines how life works for me. I think I'm just not as cool as everyone else. I mean really, I'm pretty boring in real life. I don't talk a lot, and I'm not animated or really engaging. (Cue "I'm a lot cooler online" (even though I don't listen to country music, I make a few exceptions)).
And it bugs me, at the core of who I am. It probably all goes back to seventh grade when two of the snottiest girls I've ever known threw a party and invited the whole class except for me. And they made sure I knew it too. I didn't care that much because I probably wouldn't have gone. but it's the thought that counts, right? The evil, vicious intentions of insecure girls who hated me for some reason and I still don't even know why. It's made me wonder what's wrong with me. What's missing. Am I easy to ignore? I must be, because I've sent emails and messages to people inviting them to hang out and never gotten responses. And that's been happening more and more lately. I hate it.
And I know. People are busy. People really do have better things to do. People don't dislike me just because they can't spend time with me. I probably do the same thing unintentionally.
And, as I've gotten older, I've decided to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. As painful as it is. I'm just going to assume that they forgot to invite me, or they didn't get the email, or that they truly just didn't notice me. It's more OK like that. It's good to live under grace.

I have wondered lately, why everyone feels left out. And I think I've come to this profound conclusion. We don't notice when we're being included. We only notice when we're being forsaken. Because when we're included, we don't have to be self-absorbed or insecure. I think most people have a place or group where they're part of the "in" group.
and most people have countless other places where they feel like an outsider. Sometimes for no good reason. So I'm giving those places a chance. I'm still trying (not that hard because then it won't hurt as much if I'm rejected (yes, I'm a middle child)). So far, I haven't noticed any all group events I wasn't invited to. So maybe I'm not as much of a failure as I always feel like.

And that's about as vulnerable as I'm willing to be on that subject. I know everyone feels like that sometimes. I just wonder if I feel it more than everyone else. And I wonder when I'm on the "inside" if I care enough to notice the ones who aren't. I hope so. I really do. Because I'm operating under the assumption that all of the other people who have left me out think the same way I do, and don't ever mean to ignore others. If I'm wrong about that, then... then this whole post is moot.