Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago, I was in the middle of the worst year of my life. Not only was I losing the friends I'd always known, I was also doing very poorly in math, felt like a misfit everywhere I went, and was in the middle of a spiritual crisis. My family had just left the church I'd grown up in. We left on bad terms, due to differences in theology. We were asked to leave. but I still think we were the ones who were right. And now I'm glad we did leave, but then it didn't look so good.
Things were happening that didn't make any sense. I was hurt, and I had a lot of questions. Like how could a church be so mean? Why did Christians hurt us so much? If that was where I'd learned all about God, what if everything I knew is wrong? What was I supposed to do to stop my friends from following bad doctrine? How could I follow God when everything looked so hopeless?
I couldn't necessarily articulate everything I was feeling, but looking back, I see that I was crushed. Everything I'd found security in was shaken, including my family. We were like church refugees, and we all had different questions and concerns that we were wrestling with. I am so thankful for Brian, my internet friend, who was stable and supportive when I was so confused.

Ten years ago, I visited a new church with my family. When we came in the doors, a red-haired man greeted us with a friendly smile. He led us through the donut line and to one of the front rows of the sanctuary, which was a bunch of chairs lined up in an old elementary school gym. He talked to my dad and told him about his family. "Six boys. I could like that," I joked to my brother.
I didn't realize that I was going to like that. In fact, I was going to fall deeply in love with one of them only a few years later. And marry him.

I didn't realize a lot of things then, because I was lonely and hurt. My faith in God was weak, my family members were dealing with their own problems in their own ways (because that's what we're like), and my broken relationships left me fearful that even the ones I cherished the most were only temporary. I didn't realize that God was involved with every event of that time, and that He was working in my heart to teach me to love him and serve Him better. I didn't realize that healing would come. I didn't even realize then how bitterness was taking hold in my heart and would eat at me for years to follow.
What I did understand, though, was that day, I felt like I was in a place I could start to like. I met one of the sons of the guy who had introduced himself to us. He sat with me and my brother and talked about the youth group and life. At least two other people greeted us happily. I liked this church. And I remember feeling so relieved that there was a chance to fit in among God's people again.
In so many ways, God restored to me the years the locusts ate. I thought I fit in at my old youth group, but it was never anything like this new church. I met one of my closest friends on the first day there (although we didn't really become close friends for several more years), and built countless other deep solid friendships that sustained me through high school and college. I met my husband and his fantastic family. I got to know a youth pastor who changed my life by the things he said to me personally and to the youth group. I had a chance to lead worship and be involved in so many ways. I was accepted and included. It was so amazing.

Now when I look back at that time, I'm so happy it happened like it did. There are a lot of things I wish had happened differently. but I've been contemplative lately, and I've realized that sometimes in order for God to do big things, we have to let go of the things we're familiar with.
Sometimes we can do it on our own, but sometimes it has to be torn from us against our will. And then I guess, it's just my job to be open for new things and let God keep doing His work.