I'm just going to say it. I hate pinterest with a passion and I don't even use it. I just know all about all of the great ideas in the whole world that I will NEVER have energy or desire to complete.It seems like wherever I go now, people have to tell about the thing they just did or saw on Pintrest. Or what they accomplished and posted to pinterest.
It's a little overwhelming when you know the people around you in your "peer group" are doing these amazing things. Because it's not like it's just one remarkable thing they do. It's those kinds of people who do ALL of the remarkable things, and leave the rest of us boring plain old vanillas with no accomplishments. No, I do not have a clean house. (Actually it is clean, just not tidy or organized). No, I do not plan out a weeks worth of meals from delicious recipes that are "SO EASY" and list forty ingredients and take all day to make. No I don't create beautiful decorations in my home out of recycled trash my neighbor was just getting rid of, or plant flowers in cute old pottery or even plant flowers at all. And the ones I do plant die. No, I do not create elaborate lesson plans to teach my kids preschool and kindergarten. Or schedule great events for them all wrapped around whatever theme we're learning about. I don't schedule things at all. No, I don't keep on top of... anything. No, I don't put together great trendy outfits with clothes I bought on consignment (although I do buy my clothes on consignment). No, I don't sew. No, I don't crochet or knit. No, I don't can or make jelly or freeze meals ahead of time. No, I haven't painted any of the rooms in my house since we moved in. No, I haven't put up little adorable picture frames with pictures of my kids from infancy on. No, I don't have little baskets that I trimmed with ribbon or fabric to store their toys in. No, I don't restore furniture to save money. No, I don't watch the ads for coupons or combine store coupons with manufacturer's coupons and store deals to get hotdogs for 1 cent. No, I don't. No I don't, No I don't. And I don't even WANT to.
So I have no idea why I feel so inadequate that I don't and can't. Maybe I need to stop even listening to women when they talk about their great ideas. Maybe I should just stop talking to women at all. Maybe I'll move out to the woods and live in a camper and for fun we can go hiking and canoeing and hunting. And we'll have horses and goats too. I think that would be a lot more fulfilling.
And while I'm at it, I'll stop shopping at craft stores and department stores and start buying all of my things at Farm and Fleet.Where I mostly will encounter farmers wives and crusty old men who don't care what I look like or how I decorate my house. How do you like that, Pinterest!
Really, I just need to find my identity in what I was made to be, and try to dwell on that instead. Maybe inspiration will hit once I'm done having all of my energy sucked out of me by kids. But if it doesn't, I just have to choose not to believe the devil (who tells me I'm not good enough for Pinterest) and believe what GOd says about me. I know He made and that means I'm cherished. And He's given me great gifts that happen to be different from everyone else's. So I should use those and stop feeling sorry for myself. Tomorrow.
And maybe I'll buy a canoe too. You never know.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Sunday, September 09, 2012
Wekk 25
For most people in most pregnancies, it's just another week. Not a milestone. Not a big deal. No appointments.
For me, it's full of anxiety and painful memories. On Thursday it will be over.
I haven't thought as much about that pregnancy this time around. But I went in to the dr. for my appointment, thankful that I could see him this week AND have an ultrasound (they couldn't see the spine last time). I consider it a mercy from God, to set me off into the worst week without wondering if something already went amuck.
It's been good, and the baby is still kicking. This is a very active baby, which is great. Whenever I wonder if things are OK, Baby Bats just kicks or moves. I love it!
Week 25, four days left. After that, I will breathe easier.
For me, it's full of anxiety and painful memories. On Thursday it will be over.
I haven't thought as much about that pregnancy this time around. But I went in to the dr. for my appointment, thankful that I could see him this week AND have an ultrasound (they couldn't see the spine last time). I consider it a mercy from God, to set me off into the worst week without wondering if something already went amuck.
It's been good, and the baby is still kicking. This is a very active baby, which is great. Whenever I wonder if things are OK, Baby Bats just kicks or moves. I love it!
Week 25, four days left. After that, I will breathe easier.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
The Young Me
We dug out some old stuff of my grandma's when we were up there in Montana last time. One thing we found was a five-year diary from when she was 11-15. It was fun to read through the different activities she did. That woman was pretty freaking amazing. Involved in everything! I loved reading it all. The best entry went something like this (in 1938 when she was 14, believe): Saw Sam today. My heart fluttered. We went for a ride in his car and he put his arm around me. He told me he loved me. I'm sure it wasn't proper but... then he kissed me. It was swell."
I loved imagining her out there in some old car before it was an old car, with her close friend, dreaming big dreams about the future and letting her red hair fly in the wind. I wish she'd written more. I wish I could have looked through all of her diaries.
It made me wonder about my old journals. I started when i was 12, I think. And for some stupid reason I KEPT all of those things, thinking someone would want to read them some day. I'm thinking that they won't. And i'm thinking I'll die if some people do. Because, let's face it, I was a stupid kid. We all probably were. On the outside we looked normal, but those angsty tweenager thoughts and the following years full of teenage troubles... it's embarrassing, really. If you knew me then, I'm thankful that we're still friends becuase I must have been one very annoying person.
I wonder sometimes if I should burn those bright-eyed dreams written with bic pens between classes (or during them), in the dark nights alone in my room, wondering if anyone loved me, if anyone cared. If I would ever get married. dreaming about my future and all of the things I could be. But I don't want to forget that either. Maybe some day my girls would want to see it. It's not like I had anything to hide. Just a whole lot of angst and questions that no one could answer.
I read some old emails yesterday, and I wanted to shoot that 18-year-old me. Knock myself over the head and say, "it turns out fine! Stop freaking out! And stop being so random! And stop being so... weird."
But I think that I still am that girl sometimes. And sometimes, even though I know how immature and naive I was back then, I wish I could go back. To be the young me again, before I became jaded and cynical about so many things. Before I knew so much about the world. Those troubles made me into who I am, and every joy and sorrow shaped me. So I'll keep the journals for now. but don't go looking for them. They're safely hidden away. Not even my closest friends have seen them. And I plan to keep it that way!
I loved imagining her out there in some old car before it was an old car, with her close friend, dreaming big dreams about the future and letting her red hair fly in the wind. I wish she'd written more. I wish I could have looked through all of her diaries.
It made me wonder about my old journals. I started when i was 12, I think. And for some stupid reason I KEPT all of those things, thinking someone would want to read them some day. I'm thinking that they won't. And i'm thinking I'll die if some people do. Because, let's face it, I was a stupid kid. We all probably were. On the outside we looked normal, but those angsty tweenager thoughts and the following years full of teenage troubles... it's embarrassing, really. If you knew me then, I'm thankful that we're still friends becuase I must have been one very annoying person.
I wonder sometimes if I should burn those bright-eyed dreams written with bic pens between classes (or during them), in the dark nights alone in my room, wondering if anyone loved me, if anyone cared. If I would ever get married. dreaming about my future and all of the things I could be. But I don't want to forget that either. Maybe some day my girls would want to see it. It's not like I had anything to hide. Just a whole lot of angst and questions that no one could answer.
I read some old emails yesterday, and I wanted to shoot that 18-year-old me. Knock myself over the head and say, "it turns out fine! Stop freaking out! And stop being so random! And stop being so... weird."
But I think that I still am that girl sometimes. And sometimes, even though I know how immature and naive I was back then, I wish I could go back. To be the young me again, before I became jaded and cynical about so many things. Before I knew so much about the world. Those troubles made me into who I am, and every joy and sorrow shaped me. So I'll keep the journals for now. but don't go looking for them. They're safely hidden away. Not even my closest friends have seen them. And I plan to keep it that way!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Joy
I found in the darkness
picked you up and called you mine
pressed you there at my heart where the scars grew deepest
and we danced in the moonlight like long-lost friends
in sweet harmony,
with faces turned to heaven
a song of gratitude, sung together.
But the darkness lifts
and life goes on
and finding you here among the mundane isharder
In this day-to-day going and coming--
the rushing moments between here and there
when the heart gets lost among
the ticking clock and
cries for help from others
When true vision circles around but doesn't land,
In a wilderness of sorts, a fighting chance
before all goes dark again
a glimpse
a glimmer
You. Standing there in the thorns of life as I know it,
a peace of heaven,
here amidst the earth
You and your promises
singing to my soul.
picked you up and called you mine
pressed you there at my heart where the scars grew deepest
and we danced in the moonlight like long-lost friends
in sweet harmony,
with faces turned to heaven
a song of gratitude, sung together.
But the darkness lifts
and life goes on
and finding you here among the mundane isharder
In this day-to-day going and coming--
the rushing moments between here and there
when the heart gets lost among
the ticking clock and
cries for help from others
When true vision circles around but doesn't land,
In a wilderness of sorts, a fighting chance
before all goes dark again
a glimpse
a glimmer
You. Standing there in the thorns of life as I know it,
a peace of heaven,
here amidst the earth
You and your promises
singing to my soul.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Another Pregnancy Post
I know most of my readers don't care about these things, but I feel like writing it, so I'm going to.
people ask how I'm feeling and I always say, "Pretty good. Just a little tired." By tired, I mean some days I can't walk up the stairs without feeling exhsausted. I pant like a fat person on a marathon even from doing something as menial as carrying the laundry across the room!
Also, I fell down twice this weekend. It might be usual clumsiness, but I just don't ever fall down. I think I've fallen four times since I turned 18. Not too bad. Two of them were this weekend. Once in the bowling ally which I should have just been a little more careful when trying to kick JJ's ball down a little faster. The other one wasn't really my fault either. It was on a cement floor at a fast-food restaurant with greasy floors and I had slick shoes on. I'm sure it looked great. But people felt sorry for me, because I was wearing a dress and I was pregnant. My little nephews asked more than once if I was OK. I was OK then, but today I'm sore all over. I'm blaming the pregnancy because I probably could have recovered and not fallen on my tooshy if I hadn't been off balance in the first place.
Also, I gained 5 pounds this week. And I know it was this week alone, because I weigh myself every week and I was sure I would have gained some whiel I was in Montana, since we mostly ate sausage and bacon and fast food things like that. But I didn't gain any there. some how it caught up later. And I shouldn't complain because that's all I've gained in the 23 weeks I've been pregnant. But I was hoping. Oh well.
According to my ultrasound, the baby is doing fine, though, so I can't really complain. And we've procured a bigger place to live in the fall so we can be ready for a bigger family. I have mixed feelings about that, but I'll post on it later. That's all for now.
people ask how I'm feeling and I always say, "Pretty good. Just a little tired." By tired, I mean some days I can't walk up the stairs without feeling exhsausted. I pant like a fat person on a marathon even from doing something as menial as carrying the laundry across the room!
Also, I fell down twice this weekend. It might be usual clumsiness, but I just don't ever fall down. I think I've fallen four times since I turned 18. Not too bad. Two of them were this weekend. Once in the bowling ally which I should have just been a little more careful when trying to kick JJ's ball down a little faster. The other one wasn't really my fault either. It was on a cement floor at a fast-food restaurant with greasy floors and I had slick shoes on. I'm sure it looked great. But people felt sorry for me, because I was wearing a dress and I was pregnant. My little nephews asked more than once if I was OK. I was OK then, but today I'm sore all over. I'm blaming the pregnancy because I probably could have recovered and not fallen on my tooshy if I hadn't been off balance in the first place.
Also, I gained 5 pounds this week. And I know it was this week alone, because I weigh myself every week and I was sure I would have gained some whiel I was in Montana, since we mostly ate sausage and bacon and fast food things like that. But I didn't gain any there. some how it caught up later. And I shouldn't complain because that's all I've gained in the 23 weeks I've been pregnant. But I was hoping. Oh well.
According to my ultrasound, the baby is doing fine, though, so I can't really complain. And we've procured a bigger place to live in the fall so we can be ready for a bigger family. I have mixed feelings about that, but I'll post on it later. That's all for now.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Harvest of Friends
We received a great shower of blessings last week while I was in Montana. Daniel decided to surprise me by fixing up the front of our house. Let me tell you. It was unbelievable.
He never imagined so many things getting done. Or so many people coming to help! It was a reminder of how blessed we are with these people who like us enough to with these projects that have been hanging over our heads. It was a huge relief for both of us to get it done, and there were so many things that got done!
Paint all around. Sealed up the cracks and crumbles. Filled in holes. New flower beds in the front. Brand new poured cement porch with columns to hold it up and new wood around the roof that covered it. They fixed up the side porch too.
People who we don't talk to that often, long-time friends, and new friends all showed up to help on different days. Daniel spent every day of the week working on the house. My MIL oversaw the things inside of the house and kept it together there. And other family members helped too.
I'm overwhelmed with the blessings, and the house is so beautiful. It reminded me of this episode of Little House on the Prairie, when Charles is sinking into debt over his head with too much work to do, and at the end, all of his friends in the town come to help him shovel grain or something like that, and he realizes how blessed he is.
Anyway, here are a few photos because I know you're dying to see it!
He never imagined so many things getting done. Or so many people coming to help! It was a reminder of how blessed we are with these people who like us enough to with these projects that have been hanging over our heads. It was a huge relief for both of us to get it done, and there were so many things that got done!
Paint all around. Sealed up the cracks and crumbles. Filled in holes. New flower beds in the front. Brand new poured cement porch with columns to hold it up and new wood around the roof that covered it. They fixed up the side porch too.
People who we don't talk to that often, long-time friends, and new friends all showed up to help on different days. Daniel spent every day of the week working on the house. My MIL oversaw the things inside of the house and kept it together there. And other family members helped too.
I'm overwhelmed with the blessings, and the house is so beautiful. It reminded me of this episode of Little House on the Prairie, when Charles is sinking into debt over his head with too much work to do, and at the end, all of his friends in the town come to help him shovel grain or something like that, and he realizes how blessed he is.
Anyway, here are a few photos because I know you're dying to see it!
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| This is the "before" shot. Pretty shoddy. You can't tell from back here, but the whole house was really tired and dark and moldy and cracked. |
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| The sign they made |
 |
| Daniel made me pose for this, putting down the welcome mat. When I bought it for the old porch, it looked too nice to be there. Now I'd like to get a better one because the porch is almost too nice for that one. :) |
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| They chopped down the pine tree in the front yard. That's our friend Tim way up high after they lopped off the top. |
 |
| Awwwww. |
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| My super hero, in his element. |
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| More super heroes. These guys are the dynamic duo. (Father-in-law and his brother). They can pretty much do anything. |
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| And this doesn't even do the new look justice. Love the little house! |
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Lone Prairie
Out here in these Montana hills
where you can see for miles beyond--to where the dusk meets the night
to some solo lights out in the sky
And a man could wander all day
and still not see a soul
stomping through this native grass, bending in the direction of the wind
A thousand miles of wonderful
whispered in the wind
between the blades of beauty
the glowing fields of grain
And this restless soul, searching for peace and meaning
can follow a fence line and soak in that silence
spoken for two hundred years of settlers and homesteads
and these horse-ridden impliments
left to rust in the weather
forgotten by time and technology.
The sound of wild things howling in the night--
of horses and hooves and hammers and plows breaking ground
In this i find something more, something untamed and fierce
a pull to conqur, the ability to try
becokoing me further beyond
to where the morning meets the sky.
where you can see for miles beyond--to where the dusk meets the night
to some solo lights out in the sky
And a man could wander all day
and still not see a soul
stomping through this native grass, bending in the direction of the wind
A thousand miles of wonderful
whispered in the wind
between the blades of beauty
the glowing fields of grain
And this restless soul, searching for peace and meaning
can follow a fence line and soak in that silence
spoken for two hundred years of settlers and homesteads
and these horse-ridden impliments
left to rust in the weather
forgotten by time and technology.
The sound of wild things howling in the night--
of horses and hooves and hammers and plows breaking ground
In this i find something more, something untamed and fierce
a pull to conqur, the ability to try
becokoing me further beyond
to where the morning meets the sky.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Magic Screen
Well, there isn't a lot to tell here. I mean, i could, but you aren't supposed to post vacations on the internet until you get home. Even though my husband is actually still home so there wouldn't be a chance for you burglers to get in and pillage.
A couple of weeks ago, when i was put off with mass communication in general, and more specifically facebook politics, I was sitting on the couch, doing something I find to be pretty relaxing, challenging and sort of stressful all at the same time. Drawing on the Etch-a-Sketch.
And then it turned into this idea. And this is what it looks like. I plan to update it more often than I update this one, since I seem to be losing fire with this one.
A couple of weeks ago, when i was put off with mass communication in general, and more specifically facebook politics, I was sitting on the couch, doing something I find to be pretty relaxing, challenging and sort of stressful all at the same time. Drawing on the Etch-a-Sketch.
And then it turned into this idea. And this is what it looks like. I plan to update it more often than I update this one, since I seem to be losing fire with this one.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
In the Quiet Hours
There are things that happen at night that just don't happen as well during the day. i'm not sure if it's just distractions and worries that get in the way during daylight, when you feel like you have to concur these projects and make yourself look productive. Or if it's just because it's louder during the day.
At night, as the darkness covers over the things you didn't finish, and the stillness sets in, when the kids have gone to bed and the dishes are washed or forgotten, and you have the TV off and you're ready for your last evening snack. that's when things get good.
I love having late-night conversations. I didn't really know that about myself, although I've always had my best talks with best friends late at night. There's just something different about it. Like here, where I am now, when we've been together all day *doing* things, and then we finally have some time to just sit back and visit, country style, that's when the good talking starts. It begins with something somewhat shallow, like politics or the state of the world, or your favorite hobby. And slowly, as the hours get longer and more people drop off to sleep, the subject matter becomes deeper. And even if it doesn't, it feels like it does. It feels like you know each other better and you can finally say the things you want to say.
Maybe it's just from being around each other all day. Maybe it takes that long to warm up. And maybe it's just how I feel. Maybe it's the mellow night sounds around, and the end of the day feelings, and just the way conversations work. Or maybe it's the quiet that comes most every night that we ignore by tuning in to blue screens and work. I think I want to embrace those quiet hours better, make more of them, before it's too late and I'm old and don't know my friends anymore.
At night, as the darkness covers over the things you didn't finish, and the stillness sets in, when the kids have gone to bed and the dishes are washed or forgotten, and you have the TV off and you're ready for your last evening snack. that's when things get good.
I love having late-night conversations. I didn't really know that about myself, although I've always had my best talks with best friends late at night. There's just something different about it. Like here, where I am now, when we've been together all day *doing* things, and then we finally have some time to just sit back and visit, country style, that's when the good talking starts. It begins with something somewhat shallow, like politics or the state of the world, or your favorite hobby. And slowly, as the hours get longer and more people drop off to sleep, the subject matter becomes deeper. And even if it doesn't, it feels like it does. It feels like you know each other better and you can finally say the things you want to say.
Maybe it's just from being around each other all day. Maybe it takes that long to warm up. And maybe it's just how I feel. Maybe it's the mellow night sounds around, and the end of the day feelings, and just the way conversations work. Or maybe it's the quiet that comes most every night that we ignore by tuning in to blue screens and work. I think I want to embrace those quiet hours better, make more of them, before it's too late and I'm old and don't know my friends anymore.
Wednesday, August 01, 2012
Do you ever feel like every time you open your mouth you say the wrong thing? Or that your opinion offends people?
I've been feeling like that lately and I'm not even sure how to fix that. I can't help but have opinions.
But maybe it's time to shut up more.
I really don't know. When is truth offensive because it's truth, and when is it offensive because a person doesn't want to hear it? How can I draw the distinction, pleasing God and not pissing people off?
Sometimes I sort of want to just piss people off. I'm really funny when I'm mad.
I've been feeling like that lately and I'm not even sure how to fix that. I can't help but have opinions.
But maybe it's time to shut up more.
I really don't know. When is truth offensive because it's truth, and when is it offensive because a person doesn't want to hear it? How can I draw the distinction, pleasing God and not pissing people off?
Sometimes I sort of want to just piss people off. I'm really funny when I'm mad.
Friday, July 13, 2012
MIA.
I've been MIA for a while, I know. I've pretty much felt like crap for the last 9 weeks or so. I pretty much hate those people who never have morning sickness when they're pregnant and really just go through the whole shebang without any complications.
I'm a walking complication, and it's kind of wearing me out.
Being pregnant is great, and I'm really happy though. I'm sorry if you hate it when people talk about pregnancy. I used to always hate it too and now I can't help it.
But anyway, we've been busy. First there was this wedding which sucked up a week or so which was fine. Then we had theatrical camp, two weeks spending every morning at church. Then we did something else, I don't remember what. I spent most of that time lying on the couch wishing for sweet death. Then just when I started to feel better, I began to display symptoms of anemia, which basically meant i didn't have any energy to do anything all day. That's a little better now. Just in time for swimming lessons! So we have 2 weeks of doing that every day.
Then I think it might settle down. Except it won't. Because we're doing these remodeling projects, like always, and hoping to MOVE out of this cracker box into something with a little more space. Otherwise we're going to have to eliminate half of our junk and buy a bunch of stuff at Ikea to make room. I'm hoping we just move.
So that's what's new. I need a nap.
I'm a walking complication, and it's kind of wearing me out.
Being pregnant is great, and I'm really happy though. I'm sorry if you hate it when people talk about pregnancy. I used to always hate it too and now I can't help it.
But anyway, we've been busy. First there was this wedding which sucked up a week or so which was fine. Then we had theatrical camp, two weeks spending every morning at church. Then we did something else, I don't remember what. I spent most of that time lying on the couch wishing for sweet death. Then just when I started to feel better, I began to display symptoms of anemia, which basically meant i didn't have any energy to do anything all day. That's a little better now. Just in time for swimming lessons! So we have 2 weeks of doing that every day.
Then I think it might settle down. Except it won't. Because we're doing these remodeling projects, like always, and hoping to MOVE out of this cracker box into something with a little more space. Otherwise we're going to have to eliminate half of our junk and buy a bunch of stuff at Ikea to make room. I'm hoping we just move.
So that's what's new. I need a nap.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Summer Sweetness
There's really nothing like being a kid in the summer. I lived on a farm for my happy childhood, so summers were pretty much the height of everything (we did not work the farm; just rented the house from a farmer). Barefoot days were spent running around in the yard and by the creek, picking dandilions, running through the sprinkler, climbing trees, and digging holes.
We just finished a fairly untimely heat wave, which reminded me about my happy childhood nights. Once or twice a week, we'd have a camp fire out in the grove and we'd roast marshmallows with my dad. Usually when the sun first started setting, we'd go out to the garden with him and do some weeding and watering. I remember one time we picked these huge tomatoes. I'd never seen such big ones before. Probably not since, either, at least not in my mind's eye.
When it was hot out, we had this water trough-turned-wading pool (it was bought for that purpose and never used for animals), that we'd spend hours in. We played the stupidest games, but it was always so fun. Other water games we played included running through the sprinker, "recycling", which was some version of pouring buckets of water into smaller buckets and through an old drain pipe and then doing it all over again, and "The Big Bazooka", which involved my older brothertying up an old bike inner tube on one end, filing it beyond capacity with water, and then the three of us hiking it up over our shoulders and parading around the yard while JOnathan decided which things to spray it at.
We went to the library a lot. Mom tried to give us some designated reading time (she called it DRAT because she was funny like that), so we'd do the reading program at the library. On really hot days, she'd check out the Star Wars trilogy or rent some Little Rascals movies from the rental store in town, and we'd spend the day inside watching those.
Most nights I slept in my rosebud wallpapered room with a nightgown and a white fan blowing on my face, with the windows wide open letting in the cooler breeze and sounds of crickets. But sometimes, it was just too hot in that old farm house. Sometimes we had these magical nights when we got to camp out in the living room with that window unit on. That is one of my favorite memories of the summers in Swisher. My mom had her own air conditioner in her bedroom window, but us kids would take our blankets and pillows downstairs, and make ourselves a comfortable corner to sleep in. I used to pretend I was camping, because I thought camping was the coolest possible thing back then.
I love those memories, those special times when the whole family was together, working and enjoying each others' company. Mom, thinking of fun things for us to do, trying to get us to read more, and putting up with wet feet tracking grass clippings through the house. Dad, tending the garden, filling the pool, coming home to his wild brood doubtlessly covered in dirt from the day. Me, Jonathan and David (and later Baby Anna), making the most of those sun-kissed days and the freedom to ride our bikes and dig holes and waste water and be kids. I'll never forget it. I'll treasure it all my life. And hopefully my kids will feel the same way about their summers when they look back.
We just finished a fairly untimely heat wave, which reminded me about my happy childhood nights. Once or twice a week, we'd have a camp fire out in the grove and we'd roast marshmallows with my dad. Usually when the sun first started setting, we'd go out to the garden with him and do some weeding and watering. I remember one time we picked these huge tomatoes. I'd never seen such big ones before. Probably not since, either, at least not in my mind's eye.
When it was hot out, we had this water trough-turned-wading pool (it was bought for that purpose and never used for animals), that we'd spend hours in. We played the stupidest games, but it was always so fun. Other water games we played included running through the sprinker, "recycling", which was some version of pouring buckets of water into smaller buckets and through an old drain pipe and then doing it all over again, and "The Big Bazooka", which involved my older brothertying up an old bike inner tube on one end, filing it beyond capacity with water, and then the three of us hiking it up over our shoulders and parading around the yard while JOnathan decided which things to spray it at.
We went to the library a lot. Mom tried to give us some designated reading time (she called it DRAT because she was funny like that), so we'd do the reading program at the library. On really hot days, she'd check out the Star Wars trilogy or rent some Little Rascals movies from the rental store in town, and we'd spend the day inside watching those.
Most nights I slept in my rosebud wallpapered room with a nightgown and a white fan blowing on my face, with the windows wide open letting in the cooler breeze and sounds of crickets. But sometimes, it was just too hot in that old farm house. Sometimes we had these magical nights when we got to camp out in the living room with that window unit on. That is one of my favorite memories of the summers in Swisher. My mom had her own air conditioner in her bedroom window, but us kids would take our blankets and pillows downstairs, and make ourselves a comfortable corner to sleep in. I used to pretend I was camping, because I thought camping was the coolest possible thing back then.
I love those memories, those special times when the whole family was together, working and enjoying each others' company. Mom, thinking of fun things for us to do, trying to get us to read more, and putting up with wet feet tracking grass clippings through the house. Dad, tending the garden, filling the pool, coming home to his wild brood doubtlessly covered in dirt from the day. Me, Jonathan and David (and later Baby Anna), making the most of those sun-kissed days and the freedom to ride our bikes and dig holes and waste water and be kids. I'll never forget it. I'll treasure it all my life. And hopefully my kids will feel the same way about their summers when they look back.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Baby Boom
The last year has been full of people announcing pregnancies and having babies. I guess it's kind of like that year when we had a wedding every other weekend all summer. Just the age we're at right now. People have babies. But for the last year it was kind of disappointing for me too.
It never took very long to make babies before, but this time, when I REALLY wanted it, it just didn't happen. It was two years of actually trying, and one year of trying harder, with nothing to show but more mysteries and things the doctors didn't know what to do about. That's a frustrating place to be.
I guess it was so that I could have more grace with those obsessive people who really want to be pregnant adn can't just let go of it until it happens. I've never really understood that. I still don't really understand it. But I do understand wishing so hard and dreaming about that soft skin and tiny smiles and wondering if it's ever going to happen, and wondering if my body is broken beyond repair.
There's been a little wave among the people I hang out with, of pregnancy announcements. Mostly people having their seconds or thirds.
This time I was among them! With my other pregnancies I happened to be one of the few who had a baby at that time. I know. This is really interesting to most of you. So my kids are stuck between two big waves of summer babies and I didn't get to be pregnant with most of my friends. But this time, there are lots o' bellies running around in my circles of friends. I think it will be fun.
So, in the spirit of "What to Expect when You're Expecting" book, I will now answer the questions I know you all are thinking.
Q: When are you due?
I guessed December 20th as my due date, and then I had an ultrasound that confirmed it to the day! It happens to be my dad's birthday (and the day after my father-in-law's birthday).
Q: Are you going to find out what you're having?
No. well, I mean, we assume it's a baby. The gender will be a surprise. (But we both want a boy and so do the kids).
Q: Are the kids excited?
Unbelievably. For two little girls who play baby dolls all day, or pretend that they are babies, it's a dream come true.
Q: You had to take medication last time for something, right? Do you have to again?
I'm taking lovonox (blood thinner) injections every day along with 4 doses of folic acid. Otherwise it's just the normals. The injections aren't going that smoothly yet but hopefully I'll get into the swing of things sooner or later. They've just been kind of painful and left bruises. Nothing new for some folks. I'm a wimp.
Q: Is it going to be a C-section?
Yes. After two other c's, I doubt the doctor would be convinced to do anything else. Plus, I am more at risk of bleeding to death in the case of a rupture because of the blood thinners.
Q: How are you feeling?
Pretty crappy, thanks for asking. I'm 12 weeks now and I've been feeling a little less nauseated, but this has been the worst time around by far. No vomiting, just lots of wishing I could. Also, I'm not super tired unless I don't sleep well, which is happening more than I want thanks to some kids.
Well, that's all for now folks! I'll update periodically, and I'm sorry for those of you who hate this kind of stuff. I would have made a seperate blog but I figured no one would read that one anyway, and I don't want to have to spread myself out that thin.
It never took very long to make babies before, but this time, when I REALLY wanted it, it just didn't happen. It was two years of actually trying, and one year of trying harder, with nothing to show but more mysteries and things the doctors didn't know what to do about. That's a frustrating place to be.
I guess it was so that I could have more grace with those obsessive people who really want to be pregnant adn can't just let go of it until it happens. I've never really understood that. I still don't really understand it. But I do understand wishing so hard and dreaming about that soft skin and tiny smiles and wondering if it's ever going to happen, and wondering if my body is broken beyond repair.
There's been a little wave among the people I hang out with, of pregnancy announcements. Mostly people having their seconds or thirds.
This time I was among them! With my other pregnancies I happened to be one of the few who had a baby at that time. I know. This is really interesting to most of you. So my kids are stuck between two big waves of summer babies and I didn't get to be pregnant with most of my friends. But this time, there are lots o' bellies running around in my circles of friends. I think it will be fun.
So, in the spirit of "What to Expect when You're Expecting" book, I will now answer the questions I know you all are thinking.
Q: When are you due?
I guessed December 20th as my due date, and then I had an ultrasound that confirmed it to the day! It happens to be my dad's birthday (and the day after my father-in-law's birthday).
Q: Are you going to find out what you're having?
No. well, I mean, we assume it's a baby. The gender will be a surprise. (But we both want a boy and so do the kids).
Q: Are the kids excited?
Unbelievably. For two little girls who play baby dolls all day, or pretend that they are babies, it's a dream come true.
Q: You had to take medication last time for something, right? Do you have to again?
I'm taking lovonox (blood thinner) injections every day along with 4 doses of folic acid. Otherwise it's just the normals. The injections aren't going that smoothly yet but hopefully I'll get into the swing of things sooner or later. They've just been kind of painful and left bruises. Nothing new for some folks. I'm a wimp.
Q: Is it going to be a C-section?
Yes. After two other c's, I doubt the doctor would be convinced to do anything else. Plus, I am more at risk of bleeding to death in the case of a rupture because of the blood thinners.
Q: How are you feeling?
Pretty crappy, thanks for asking. I'm 12 weeks now and I've been feeling a little less nauseated, but this has been the worst time around by far. No vomiting, just lots of wishing I could. Also, I'm not super tired unless I don't sleep well, which is happening more than I want thanks to some kids.
Well, that's all for now folks! I'll update periodically, and I'm sorry for those of you who hate this kind of stuff. I would have made a seperate blog but I figured no one would read that one anyway, and I don't want to have to spread myself out that thin.
Saturday, June 02, 2012
Nothing.
I'm still here! I think about blogging often and just... don't have the energy. But here I am. With nothing profound to say. We had a busy week with extended family visiting for the brother-in-law's wedding. It was really fun seeing everyone. I think it will take me two weeks to catch up on life, though. We kept dropping stuff at home and running out the door for the next thing. I love my in-laws. The whole lot of them. I think i can actually refer to them as a "clan" since they're Scottish. And they have a crest.
Anyway. I really will post more later. I'm just too tired out and busy right now. Especially since summer started and now I have a billion things to get done. Sooner or later, I will write substance. Promise.
Anyway. I really will post more later. I'm just too tired out and busy right now. Especially since summer started and now I have a billion things to get done. Sooner or later, I will write substance. Promise.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
New Life
A couple of weeks ago we were driving in the car and my five-year-old Arlene started telling me her plans for the future. "I want to be a missionary and a teacher and a mom. And Mom? I talked to God a lot last night."
"Oh, honey. That's good."
"Mom. Is't it strange that you can talk to God and he hears you even though you can't see him?"
"Yep."
"MOmmy, maybe sometime you or Daddy can tell me how to pray and ask Jesus in my heart."
We pulled over the car, right there by a grassy field in some new subdivision beside a garage sale sign and I prayed with her, for Jesus to forgive her and make her new and help her know him better every day.
I know it's special and I'll treasure that moment forever. I might never know all of the things I say or do that can show my daughter that God loves her, but that day it felt like I'd done something right. Like maybe it will pay off some day to be staying home with them, teaching them myself and doing all of this stuff that feels so... pointless most of the time.
I guess the best thing people hope for their kids is that they can pass on their beliefs, and that their children choose to live the right way. So I'm praying for the little seed growing in her heart, that it becomes bigger and stronger every day so that nothing in this world will pull it up or snatch it away.
"Oh, honey. That's good."
"Mom. Is't it strange that you can talk to God and he hears you even though you can't see him?"
"Yep."
"MOmmy, maybe sometime you or Daddy can tell me how to pray and ask Jesus in my heart."
We pulled over the car, right there by a grassy field in some new subdivision beside a garage sale sign and I prayed with her, for Jesus to forgive her and make her new and help her know him better every day.
I know it's special and I'll treasure that moment forever. I might never know all of the things I say or do that can show my daughter that God loves her, but that day it felt like I'd done something right. Like maybe it will pay off some day to be staying home with them, teaching them myself and doing all of this stuff that feels so... pointless most of the time.
I guess the best thing people hope for their kids is that they can pass on their beliefs, and that their children choose to live the right way. So I'm praying for the little seed growing in her heart, that it becomes bigger and stronger every day so that nothing in this world will pull it up or snatch it away.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Evasive Joy and Quiet Nights and what I think when I'm alone.
In the darkness tonight, driving under the stars
I'm lost staring up at Jupiter's beam
thinking about the things we lose along the way--
the poetry and songs from the beauty we drink
and how we search with open hearts
to find those things
like one coin of ten or a pearl lost and found
And the way we rejoice
when they find us again
in peculiar places--the hard soil of years of work
or the painful dark nights when we first called it missing
they will come back, unexpected
like that planet's steady glow
like a fire on the hill
and we will sing about the brokenness
but find ourselves whole.
I'm lost staring up at Jupiter's beam
thinking about the things we lose along the way--
the poetry and songs from the beauty we drink
and how we search with open hearts
to find those things
like one coin of ten or a pearl lost and found
And the way we rejoice
when they find us again
in peculiar places--the hard soil of years of work
or the painful dark nights when we first called it missing
they will come back, unexpected
like that planet's steady glow
like a fire on the hill
and we will sing about the brokenness
but find ourselves whole.
A Tale of Two Friendships
A little story about coming full circle. (Right now I feel like Doogie Houser... um... did that just date me?)
This morning I went to my friend Stasia's house to drop of some jeans she'd left here when doing laundry. It was a new experience, because Stasia's lived in DC for the last four years, and in the time we've been best friends, we've been apart more than together I think. (we met on the first day of kindergarten and when I moved away in elementary school we didn't see each other a lot until high school and college). But now she's here!
Tonight I met for supper with another friend Bethany and her husband. They're leaving for missions in July. And Bethany... well, she's just always been around. We went to church together, summer camps, overnights, retreats, everything. She stayed close to home for college so we've just gotten to see a lot of each other. Now she is going far away and I will not see her very often anymore.
Two friends, who I've known most of my life. Very different roles. One moving home, the other moving far away. It's that circle of friends, the friends who walk with you on the road for a while and walk away and you never see again, and the friends who stay no matter where they are and what in life changes.
And there are all these people in between, who have tacked themselves into my timeline, people I really love and who "get" me and who've walked with me through all kinds of things. But Bethany and Stasia, well you just can't replace 25 years of friendship, of really knowing each other. Of not having to say, "Oh, well when I was in middle school, I was really into Star Trek." or "I used to have long stringy hair and lots of zits and I was a complete dork". I don't know if that means anything in the grand scheme of life, because there are other people who have seen my heart and know me as I am now.
But these gals really do know me.
There are personality pieces, nuances that get hidden in growing up, places that we don't let show and hide behind our adult masks, that belong inside of us, that make us who we are. And when we're with the people who saw us in those raw times, the moments when we were at our ugliest and worst, and even at our best and most beautiful, we become more of who we really are.
And no matter where they go, or where I go, I will always feel at home with Bethany and Stasia, the best examples of BFF's. (Cheese ball, I know. I can't help it. I'm stretching for stuff to write these days).
This morning I went to my friend Stasia's house to drop of some jeans she'd left here when doing laundry. It was a new experience, because Stasia's lived in DC for the last four years, and in the time we've been best friends, we've been apart more than together I think. (we met on the first day of kindergarten and when I moved away in elementary school we didn't see each other a lot until high school and college). But now she's here!
Tonight I met for supper with another friend Bethany and her husband. They're leaving for missions in July. And Bethany... well, she's just always been around. We went to church together, summer camps, overnights, retreats, everything. She stayed close to home for college so we've just gotten to see a lot of each other. Now she is going far away and I will not see her very often anymore.
Two friends, who I've known most of my life. Very different roles. One moving home, the other moving far away. It's that circle of friends, the friends who walk with you on the road for a while and walk away and you never see again, and the friends who stay no matter where they are and what in life changes.
And there are all these people in between, who have tacked themselves into my timeline, people I really love and who "get" me and who've walked with me through all kinds of things. But Bethany and Stasia, well you just can't replace 25 years of friendship, of really knowing each other. Of not having to say, "Oh, well when I was in middle school, I was really into Star Trek." or "I used to have long stringy hair and lots of zits and I was a complete dork". I don't know if that means anything in the grand scheme of life, because there are other people who have seen my heart and know me as I am now.
But these gals really do know me.
There are personality pieces, nuances that get hidden in growing up, places that we don't let show and hide behind our adult masks, that belong inside of us, that make us who we are. And when we're with the people who saw us in those raw times, the moments when we were at our ugliest and worst, and even at our best and most beautiful, we become more of who we really are.
And no matter where they go, or where I go, I will always feel at home with Bethany and Stasia, the best examples of BFF's. (Cheese ball, I know. I can't help it. I'm stretching for stuff to write these days).
Friday, March 30, 2012
The "I'm Busy" post
There's been something on the calander pretty much every day this month.
I've been making time for what I like--friends and being outside with the kids, and keeping the house somewhat tidy. But it's been busy. Which is why I haven't had time to sit and write a reflective post about... anything. I've had a lot of moments within the busyness to pause and think and say to myself, "You should blog about that". But it hasn't been a priority lately because I've been busy.
I'm loving my kids' ages right now. They're so fun to do things with. The world is still new and exciting and relatively safe for them and we can go places without having to worry about diapers and sippy cups and whatever else. They're so... delightful. And it's more than I ever could have expected or wanted from life.
I've been spending most of my free time (too much of my free time) writing. I'm working on the third in a series of spin-offs and am enjoying it a lot. This story has been probably the hardest one I've ever written though. The plot hasn't come together, and even though I'm at 160-something for pages, it feels like I still haven't gotten where i want to be. If you really want to know, you can ask me and I'll ask your advice on what sub plots to cancel and what ones to expound. It's getting closer. I know where I'm headed now.
The weather has been freaky nice. Another reason for being busy. We like to play outside. All of the flowers bloomed about a month early, and we're already thinking about gardening. Although momma didn't raise no dummy. I'm not putting those plants out there until the last frost in May. Because in Iowa, it will happen. Maybe not in May but sooner or later.
THere's nothing much to say. Soon I will write more. I really will. Right now, I have other things to do. Whew.
I've been making time for what I like--friends and being outside with the kids, and keeping the house somewhat tidy. But it's been busy. Which is why I haven't had time to sit and write a reflective post about... anything. I've had a lot of moments within the busyness to pause and think and say to myself, "You should blog about that". But it hasn't been a priority lately because I've been busy.
I'm loving my kids' ages right now. They're so fun to do things with. The world is still new and exciting and relatively safe for them and we can go places without having to worry about diapers and sippy cups and whatever else. They're so... delightful. And it's more than I ever could have expected or wanted from life.
I've been spending most of my free time (too much of my free time) writing. I'm working on the third in a series of spin-offs and am enjoying it a lot. This story has been probably the hardest one I've ever written though. The plot hasn't come together, and even though I'm at 160-something for pages, it feels like I still haven't gotten where i want to be. If you really want to know, you can ask me and I'll ask your advice on what sub plots to cancel and what ones to expound. It's getting closer. I know where I'm headed now.
The weather has been freaky nice. Another reason for being busy. We like to play outside. All of the flowers bloomed about a month early, and we're already thinking about gardening. Although momma didn't raise no dummy. I'm not putting those plants out there until the last frost in May. Because in Iowa, it will happen. Maybe not in May but sooner or later.
THere's nothing much to say. Soon I will write more. I really will. Right now, I have other things to do. Whew.
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
Facebook Sucks
If your'e friends with me on facebook you might have noticed my update that said I wouldn't be checking anymore. It was a little harsh. I didn't check it for a few days. Now I've been checking only briefly. I've decided to stop fueling my boredom with life and relationships, and over filling my brain with random details about people who don't even care about me. I've decided that I need to use my computer less and instead, spend more time on the floor playing Candy Land and Memory and running outside through the mud, and picking up and doing laundry and reading. So, I will do what the wise people have been doing all along. I will stop obsessing. Stop filling every boring minute with something that bores the rest of the world. Here is my plan I wrote for myself.
How to phase out your facebook addiction:
1)Stop posting updates. You'll soon realize how much it absorbs your thoughts, and how narcissistic it is to wait for everyone's responses to your boring comments about laundry, work, the weather, and whatever other boring thing is on your mind.
2) Stop reading everyone's articles and watching their videos. A good way to do this is to check it when you don't have very much time because then you scan over the boring things and quickly realize that it was almost all boring.
3) read it when you're in a bad mood and don't give a crap about anyone's life because then you see how worthless almost everything people write on it is.
4) write letters or send cards to people you like.
5) Do not keep it running in your browser while you're doing other things. The temptation is to keep going back to see what's changed. Nothing's changed. Joe still works at 7-11. Your classmate with four kids still has a mound of laundry to do. Your aunt has planted flowers. Are you bored yet reading this?See my point? All that time you go back checking is actually a lot of time.
6) After a week or month hiatus, return yourself slowly. Think hadr before posting an update. Will it edify others? Is it really important for people to get to know you better? Is anyone going to care that you wrote it?
7) Also when you return from your hiatus, filter out things tyou don't want to read, so that you don't waste time reading about "Great Deals on Amazon" every time you try to look at your feed.
8) Do not repeat your unhealthy patterns. Find something better to replace your wandering time, like a book. Or playing a game with your kid. it is hard to do something more engaging, but I'm sure you'll find it more worth it in the end. You might discover that facebook was more of a time suck than you thought.
You might discover that your life feels a little less depressed.
You might find your days being a little more full and you might look back and wonder how you did spend that much time.
Or you might miss it and go back to what you consider to be your only social outlet. That's OK too.
So that's where I'm at with that. It will probably change, in all honesty. Things get a little boring around here. And there are people on face book that I simply CAN'T lose contact with and it's my only way of contacting them. So I won't disappear. At least not yet.
How to phase out your facebook addiction:
1)Stop posting updates. You'll soon realize how much it absorbs your thoughts, and how narcissistic it is to wait for everyone's responses to your boring comments about laundry, work, the weather, and whatever other boring thing is on your mind.
2) Stop reading everyone's articles and watching their videos. A good way to do this is to check it when you don't have very much time because then you scan over the boring things and quickly realize that it was almost all boring.
3) read it when you're in a bad mood and don't give a crap about anyone's life because then you see how worthless almost everything people write on it is.
4) write letters or send cards to people you like.
5) Do not keep it running in your browser while you're doing other things. The temptation is to keep going back to see what's changed. Nothing's changed. Joe still works at 7-11. Your classmate with four kids still has a mound of laundry to do. Your aunt has planted flowers. Are you bored yet reading this?See my point? All that time you go back checking is actually a lot of time.
6) After a week or month hiatus, return yourself slowly. Think hadr before posting an update. Will it edify others? Is it really important for people to get to know you better? Is anyone going to care that you wrote it?
7) Also when you return from your hiatus, filter out things tyou don't want to read, so that you don't waste time reading about "Great Deals on Amazon" every time you try to look at your feed.
8) Do not repeat your unhealthy patterns. Find something better to replace your wandering time, like a book. Or playing a game with your kid. it is hard to do something more engaging, but I'm sure you'll find it more worth it in the end. You might discover that facebook was more of a time suck than you thought.
You might discover that your life feels a little less depressed.
You might find your days being a little more full and you might look back and wonder how you did spend that much time.
Or you might miss it and go back to what you consider to be your only social outlet. That's OK too.
So that's where I'm at with that. It will probably change, in all honesty. Things get a little boring around here. And there are people on face book that I simply CAN'T lose contact with and it's my only way of contacting them. So I won't disappear. At least not yet.
Thursday, March 01, 2012
The Sisterhood of Mommy Pants.
The other night I was in a group of women who all didn't know each other that well, and inevitably,, the conversation turned to "that" subject.
The one that used to alienate me.
The one I really loathed talking about.
Babies. Pregnancy. Delivery. And all of the things that go along with that.
My pregnancies actually kind of sucked. Each one has been worse in its own way.
But there I was, at a table. Telling them about my C-sections. Why? Because it's one of those safe subjects now. The thing that we all know we have in common. The thing that we care about it in our own lives. The Sisterhood of Mommy Pants.
How things have changed since I was 19, newly married and utterly alone in a sea of pleasure-seeking, independent college students with expendable (parents') income and copious free time. I was terrible at small talk. I could never think of something to say. And even when I wanted to, I couldn't relate. Worse yet, no one could relate with me. I was working my 40-hour a week job, putting D through school. Getting up at 7 AM (which might as well be 5 am to a college student) to drive 40 miles to that place I hated, making just more than minimum wage and very carefully budgeting every penny we earned.
Those were things that were conversation killers. They'd talk about cute guys and dating relationships and their hopes for future careers. We were on different wavelengths.
As a young twenty, it wasn't much better. But slowly, as I've gotten older, I've gotten better at this art of "small talk". Which I still hate. which I still feel is awkward.
Which is so necessary to connect in any way.
It isn't like kindergarten, when you didn't even have to say your name to be able to go and play on the playground for all of recess. Now we have to start at some level. And the level is always this shallow, distant place, where we wander and wade through these meaningless subjects, hoping to find something we can relate with. Looking for those few in the vast majority, the :"ones" who can be your bosom friend, who really "get" you. Who you can actually be real with.
We have to find a place of common ground to even begin a conversation.
So often for me right now, that place is kids--from conception to elementary school. What we ate while pregnant, what we wish we'd known, how we survived. How we wear bigger jeans now. Sisterhood of the Mommy Pants.
So often now I'm bored talking about kids and pregnancy and deliveries and all of the details around it. But that's where friendships start.At a place that we all have in common--whether it's the neighborhood, the church, the park, our husband's jobs, our same model car, or our same-aged kids.
I'd rather talk about philosophy and music and politics and what makes people tick. Or history or writing or literature or even the weather.
But here's where we are. With a 3 and 5-year-old, submerged in this world of sippy cups and bedtime songs and baths. And sometimes we just have to share it with each other. Please don't misunderstand me. This is what I do. And I love my friends and I like meeting new people. There's just this part of me that gets so trapped and tired, and I think it will always be there, wanting something different than these everyday things.
I want to move past babies and birth and bed time and first words and evening activities and minivans and get into things that matter, that make me think.
I should resolve to be less of a push-over in conversation and try to direct the topics more carefully. But I don't, because I feel I'm missing out on some of the communication skills most people have, and I don't want to feel misunderstood, and I don't want to be that awkward girl who always makes people uncomfortable.
But, secretly, I want to make you uncomfortable.
More so, I want to make you comfortable. I want to be real so that you're OK being real too. I want to be the kind of person that listens, who doesn't jump to conclusions, who cares, and who brings wisdom to the table.
But most often, I just talk about babies with you and hope that some day we can discuss other things. And that's OK too. One can't be too choosy when it comes to having friends. And friends who share every day life are just as important as friends who share matters of the heart. Different roles, but at the end of the day, we're all walking together and helping each other along. So I shouldn't complain or let myself feel that emptiness like I do.
Because I'm thankful that I'm not stuck in limbo land like I was in those college years. I'm thankful that I have all of these people who are on the same road at the same time. It's invaluable.
So....Tell me about your pregnancy and delivery. ;)
The one that used to alienate me.
The one I really loathed talking about.
Babies. Pregnancy. Delivery. And all of the things that go along with that.
My pregnancies actually kind of sucked. Each one has been worse in its own way.
But there I was, at a table. Telling them about my C-sections. Why? Because it's one of those safe subjects now. The thing that we all know we have in common. The thing that we care about it in our own lives. The Sisterhood of Mommy Pants.
How things have changed since I was 19, newly married and utterly alone in a sea of pleasure-seeking, independent college students with expendable (parents') income and copious free time. I was terrible at small talk. I could never think of something to say. And even when I wanted to, I couldn't relate. Worse yet, no one could relate with me. I was working my 40-hour a week job, putting D through school. Getting up at 7 AM (which might as well be 5 am to a college student) to drive 40 miles to that place I hated, making just more than minimum wage and very carefully budgeting every penny we earned.
Those were things that were conversation killers. They'd talk about cute guys and dating relationships and their hopes for future careers. We were on different wavelengths.
As a young twenty, it wasn't much better. But slowly, as I've gotten older, I've gotten better at this art of "small talk". Which I still hate. which I still feel is awkward.
Which is so necessary to connect in any way.
It isn't like kindergarten, when you didn't even have to say your name to be able to go and play on the playground for all of recess. Now we have to start at some level. And the level is always this shallow, distant place, where we wander and wade through these meaningless subjects, hoping to find something we can relate with. Looking for those few in the vast majority, the :"ones" who can be your bosom friend, who really "get" you. Who you can actually be real with.
We have to find a place of common ground to even begin a conversation.
So often for me right now, that place is kids--from conception to elementary school. What we ate while pregnant, what we wish we'd known, how we survived. How we wear bigger jeans now. Sisterhood of the Mommy Pants.
So often now I'm bored talking about kids and pregnancy and deliveries and all of the details around it. But that's where friendships start.At a place that we all have in common--whether it's the neighborhood, the church, the park, our husband's jobs, our same model car, or our same-aged kids.
I'd rather talk about philosophy and music and politics and what makes people tick. Or history or writing or literature or even the weather.
But here's where we are. With a 3 and 5-year-old, submerged in this world of sippy cups and bedtime songs and baths. And sometimes we just have to share it with each other. Please don't misunderstand me. This is what I do. And I love my friends and I like meeting new people. There's just this part of me that gets so trapped and tired, and I think it will always be there, wanting something different than these everyday things.
I want to move past babies and birth and bed time and first words and evening activities and minivans and get into things that matter, that make me think.
I should resolve to be less of a push-over in conversation and try to direct the topics more carefully. But I don't, because I feel I'm missing out on some of the communication skills most people have, and I don't want to feel misunderstood, and I don't want to be that awkward girl who always makes people uncomfortable.
But, secretly, I want to make you uncomfortable.
More so, I want to make you comfortable. I want to be real so that you're OK being real too. I want to be the kind of person that listens, who doesn't jump to conclusions, who cares, and who brings wisdom to the table.
But most often, I just talk about babies with you and hope that some day we can discuss other things. And that's OK too. One can't be too choosy when it comes to having friends. And friends who share every day life are just as important as friends who share matters of the heart. Different roles, but at the end of the day, we're all walking together and helping each other along. So I shouldn't complain or let myself feel that emptiness like I do.
Because I'm thankful that I'm not stuck in limbo land like I was in those college years. I'm thankful that I have all of these people who are on the same road at the same time. It's invaluable.
So....Tell me about your pregnancy and delivery. ;)
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