Thriftiness

I've been wincing every time the cashier reads the total off at the grocery store. Prices aren't ideal, and with the economy working the way it is, there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. I hear a lot of people complaining about it, offering their opinions on how it should be fixed, and worrying about what they'll do if things get "worse". Seems the popular opinion is that the government is to blame. And of course, they are. But I wonder how many of us are contributing to it by spending more than our resources allow, by throwing out things that could be salvaged, by spending more on clothes and food than we need to, or by just buying things that we don't need and can't truly afford.

I definitely fall into that category, way too often. I'd rather just get the pair of jeans full price and have them. I want a nicer house and a nicer car and newer clothes and better appliances. And I want them now. I don't want to sit around for six months, watching newspaper ads and garage sales to find a better price. I want a lot of things, and I stretch my income so that I can have many of them. But our grandparents and great-grandparents would warn us not to be so foolish. They saw what happened when people spent money they didn't have for things they wanted.

And I think we're seeing the same thing. Saving is so undervalued. Maybe we should take a lesson from the Scout Law.

A SCOUT IS THRIFTY, that is, he saves every penny he can, and puts it in the bank, so that he may have money to keep himself when out of work, and thus not make himself a burden to others; or that he may have money to give away to others when they need it.

I wonder how many people think they've got everything in order financially, but will find at the loss of a job or a major expense, that they aren't as set as they thought? Suddenly, the things they're used to buying cost too much, and they don't know how to cut back and do without.

Saving is hard, though. I'm not necessarily talking about making a savings account. I'm talking about making more money available out of what you have. Maybe I'm talking about "penny pinching". I don't understand why people are so willing to complain about how much things cost, but aren't willing to find a way to do without, make their own, or get it on sale. Are they afraid that people will think they're cheap?

Sometimes when I do things to save money, I have that creeping worry that someone will think I don't have enough money to pay for something better. But really, what difference does it make? Maybe I don't have the money. Maybe I put it toward something I like more. Or maybe I am cheap. It's not anyone's business. Being willing to save money in things I purchase for myself allows me freedom to be generous when others are in need.

I know this probably sounds like preaching, and I wasn't planning for it to, but, since everyone seems to be at liberty to express their views on how to fix the American economy and whose fault it is anyway, I think I should be able to also.

The Sunbird Pirates

That title sounds like the title of a book, but it's actually the title of last Thursday. We had a stressful week. The worst part was Thursday morning when we got a call from an area business, asking us to move our car out of their parking lot. Why was it there? We hadn't put it there. We'd left it at another parking lot right by our house (legally).
Long story short, someone stole our beater car (which we got for free) and went for a little joy ride before ripping it apart and stealing everything they could from it. I don't feel like philosiphising about how painful it is to have something like that happen to you, but it's been a long few days thinking about it.
We're OK. We have another car that Daniel can take to work until we get a replacement. The police have the car as evidence and will search it. They're treating this as a crime, same as if the car were worth a lot of money. We should hear more from the security of the place where our car had been parked (they have cameras in their parking lot), and maybe get some clues about what happened.
But, that's about all the update I want to give. It's all really stupid and makes us mad. And, if anyone has a car they want to get rid of for under $800, let me know. And, if anyone has Amy Grant or Steven Curtis Chapman CD's they don't want anymore, let me know (Daniel lost his whole collection).
And pray that they catch the pirates.

Pregnancy

It's been a while and people are asking how it's going, so I thought I'd inform the masses so you can all tell each other and I don't have to. :oD Or you can ask too.

On Friday I thought I was going into labor because I was having painful contractions at frequent intervals. It was OK. When i called they told me specifically what to look for, and as the day went on, I felt better and decided not to worry about it. The weekend was good, but I had a lot of cramps (not contractions, just cramps). So I called today and they called back and told me just to come in and have an ultrasound and they would test a hormone level to make sure I wasn't getting ready to go into labor. The ultrasound looked good, and I really wasn't worried, but I'm the kind of person who does what they're told and then asks questions later. I felt like something was weird because the lady who did the ultrasound had me wait while she talked to the doctor before telling me everything was OK, and then she asked if I had an appointment coming up (it's next Friday). So I was glad, but a little uneasy thinking there was something not terribly urgent that they wanted the doctor to tell me at my next appointment.

Apparently I worry too much. Dr. Pickering called me about an hour later and just said he was glad to see that ultrasound was OK and everything looked great. He's a really nice guy. He said he understood this was probably a difficult time since it's the same gestational week when I lost Grace (25), and he just wanted to check and make sure I was OK. He said the don't be afraid to call thing, and then he added, "We all know who you are here," which I found amusing. He's a really great guy.

So, anyway, things look to be OK in the womb, which is reassuring. I worry a lot, and I don't want to. Daniel's been working really long hours trying to get their project ready for a flight demo, which has now been pushed back a little. They're planning a 2-week-long trip for him. :o( So I have long days, if anyone wants to hang out. And I need to get supper ready.

Playing solitaire all night... with a deck of 51.

So... what's more pathetic? The fact that I felt the urge to share my solitaire score with all of my blog readers?
That my score was actually almost twice that last night?
Or the fact that I'm playing that much solitaire in the first place? (In my defense, my husband is away this week...)

Sometimes I just play the stupid card games so I can think through something. like when I'm writing and need to think of what will happen next or how to word something. It seems like an effective tool. Probably not time-saving, however. I am curious, though, if anyone else manages to win at "Vegas style" solitaire, or if I'm a prodigy and should pack up and go to Vegas tonight to win me some big money?

Politics

I have to vent. I don't think I can make it to November.

One of the first "hard lessons" we learn in life is "Don't believe everything you hear". What I want to know is, if that's the case, and we have that lesson ingrained in us to distrust society so much, then why do so many people believe every piece of media regarding political campaigns? Even if they're just believing what they choose to believe as fact, shouldn't they still be finding out whether or not it's true? Examining the context? Looking for reliability of "witnesses" and credibility of their sources?

I've always been pretty politically interested. I was a history major. I planned to be a social studies teacher. I served as a representative at the county Republican convention, and I have, since age 18, been to the polls to vote every two years. I stood on the side of a highway campaigning on election day when I was in college. And I think I will, in the future, continue to "help out" during campaign years, and fight for whatever causes I believe in. But. I have never been so sick--and sickened by politics as I am this year. I'm really just tired of it. So there. Now you know. If you're planning to strike up a political debate with me, count me out. I don't care anymore. I've decided who I'm voting for based on what I think is important. And I don't think that more mud slinging will change my mind.

What I Should Have Said

Yesterday someone asked me, in a conversation about my recovery from grief, how God had been part of it. I didn't know what to say because I suck at talking and answering deep questions on the spot, but when I thought about it later, I wished I'd said so many things.
One of them being how joy and sorrow are so closely linked, and how it's actually hard to find joy without sorrow or trial. At least for me. I know of a lot of people with deeply rooted joy that just flows out o knowing God and understanding His love.
But I've never been that way. Partly because of my intellect blocking out so many feelings, and partly because I'm not a feely person. Not that joy is a feeling, it's more of an understanding. Anyway, there are numerous reasons for my lack of joy, which has always felt like a problem to me. I wanted it, but no matter how I searched or what answer I thought I knew, there was some piece of it missing. Not that I knew what it was. I mean, I have everything I need for life and godliness through my knowledge of him who called me according to his own glory and goodness. So there should have been joy.
But, there were parts of God I didn't fully know or understand before experiencing tragedy. And I think that so much of Christian joy--the confident assurance of God's provision and care despite any circumstance--is discovered in those kinds of things. Like it says in James 1:2 "Count it all joy my brothers, when you are faced with trials and temptations, for the testing of your faith develops perseverence". Now there is a deeper knowledge of His goodness, His kindness, and His faithfulness, that can't be found in day-t0-day things.

I hope that makese sense. I'm not saying others don't know joy. I'm really just talking about myself, and the healing of my heart.

Be Still

Last night I was paranoid and anxious--very common feelings these days--about my pregnancy. Worried about things I knew I shouldn't worry about. Usually I can move on past those thoughts, but sometimes they come and bury me and I dwell on them and worry grows like a tree that shades my heart and mind.
I hadn't felt the baby move very much that day, even though I'd had an over abundance of caffine, and I was worried something could be wrong. It's stupid, but you aren't allowed to make fun of me. Anyway, when I worried out loud, Daniel prayed for me and the baby. Then, for the rest of the night (in bed, mind you), the baby wouldn't stop kicking. Ahh. That's just what I need for a good night's sleep. And I'm not being sarcastic. I now have trouble sleeping if I don't feel kicking.
Anyway, because of said caffine, I still had trouble falling asleep, so as I lay awake, praying for a friend of mine, and thanking God that this baby is still OK, He spoke to me. Quite familiar words, heard so often.

Be still and know that I am God.

And I realized my lack of faith, which I want so badly to have, is partly because I've been too busy listening to myself think and worrying and fretting, so I couldn't hear His voice speaking in the quiet. Be still. He's there with me, in presence rich and full. And, just like the baby inside who isn't easily felt in the busyness of a day, it takes being still to feel it and know it's there.

On the Exclusivity of Christian Communities

I've read a lot of articles and thoughts about the importance of community, how we're made to fellowship and exist in relationships. Most recently was an article about why so many people appreciate Islam, because of the brotherhood it offers for outsiders.

Clearly, "community" is something big the church has to offer, and perhaps, in this day and age, the most appealing thing a church can offer. But what happens, when there is an appealing community that one so desires to be a part of, but they don't "fit in"? I think that's a very dangerous place for a church or small group to get to. If, in your intimacy and friendship, you don't feel comfortable letting others enter, what's the point of having an appealing community? While it's great to encourage the brethren, our fellowship has a deeper purpose: "By this all men will know that you are my disciples if you love one another". Big deal if they see you are His disciples, but you aren't willing to love the ones who aren't in the "one another" category. By love, I mean accept into your community.

I don't have a specific community in mind. And I perhaps have the longest way to go in improving my including skills. It's just something I've thought about a lot, maybe because I feel alienated so often. Accepted, but not included, as Brian would always say. But it worries me when some people who need that extra family and don't find it in the church. The pain of feeling rejected or alienated can push a person away and cause them to search somewhere else. If you're lucky, it's another church. But I think, in the minds of many unbelievers, all churches are the same. That thought frightens me. That maybe that scruffy blue collar guy who smells like smoke, that unwed pregnant girl, that drug-addicted kid with long hair and ACDC tee-shirt, that estranged couple--they're trying this Christian group this one time, and if it doesn't work out, they'll never step foot in another church.

Not that it's all up to us, but I think that we can at least do our best to not "shun the unbeliever" (sorry, I had to put the Charley reference there. It was too perfect), to push aside our inhibitions and say "hi, glad you're here", or invite a person to your small group, to smile at someone who most people look away from, to be like Jesus and invite the social rejects to come and see who He is.

Fashion Questions

Things I think about when I go shopping:
Why was it, when I was a kid, if I wore pants that were too short, they were something to be made fun of, but now they're cool?
Why do short women and big women get their own section in a store ? What about tall women? Tall men get their own section. I don't think that's fair.
Why did they stop measuring bra sizes with the D? Why couldn't they have had E, F, and G instead of DD DDD and DDDD? I think that's confusing.

Update on Me

I realized that some of you read this blog to get updated on my life, and I don't usually have a lot to say. That hasn't changed, but I don't know who reads this, and so if I don't say important information, you might get passed by in receiving it.
So. Here's the latest news. If you're wondering because you never see me, I "Still don't have a belly", although it portrudes quite enough, thank you. I guess it's pretty small for this phase, but I've never been very big on the outside. I just get all of my ribs displaced as the baby grows.
And now the good news: On Wednesday the 3rd I had my regular 20 week OB checkup, and for ONCE it was good news! The dr. said "What's up with this perfect ultrasound?" My hemorrhage was gone without a trace, and all of the baby's organs were growing like they should and looking good. (In the last pregnancy there was something with the kidneys which became a non issue, but of course it was present in my mind this time around). We did find out the gender, but if you wanna know that, you'll have to ask in person or in email. :o) Needless to say, we're all rejoicing and glad that things are good now.
I couldn't say I'm done worrying since the hemorrhage is gone, since we lost Grace at 25 weeks.
The first week in October might drudge up some painful memories of that. I know the calander doesn't really coincide with anyone else's by my own, but you always compare pregnancies and remember the different phases (or at least I do), so prayers are always welcome.
I suspect after this pregnancy hits that point, I might feel even more at ease, but thankfully, I can always rest assured that we're both being held in Big Hands (not to be confused with Bigfoot). Plus, my best friend prophesied this baby with a dream that she was watching Arlene while I went to the hospital in labor. j/k. Although, she also sort of prophesied Arlene. But that's a whole-nother story.

Writer's Block

If you look back at some of my posts from before I ever had kids, you might be surprised at how much more profound and better-written they were (at least in my opinion). There's poetry, too. But some how, getting pregnant sapped most of my creativity from me. It's really strange. It happened with Arlene first. After she was born, I had some free time with her sitting in the little bouncy chair beside me, and I could write more. Until she started crawling. Then I just didn't have as much time. Now, again, I see, my creativity is lacking in depth and color. It drives me nuts because there's no realy good explanation. Maybe I'm tired, and hormones make me think strangely, but what I'm thinking about today is how I could write when I was pregnant with Grace. I had so many ideas and thoughts and things to get down on paper. I started three new stories and re-wrote at least one.
Even after the still birth, in the depth of my sorrow, I found many things to say and no audience to say them to. Which means my journal and poetry flourished. I wrote some pretty good fiction then, too.
Now that I'm pregnant again, the same creativity halt has been placed in my brain, and I'm out of good ideas. Well... what good ideas I do have, mostly I forget about between running out for groceries and diapers and whatever else, chasing after Arlene, and trying to sleep in my spare time. Maybe I'm just too busy to stop and contemplate like I've been able to in past years. Maybe it's just this phase of life that keeps me stopped up. But even when I've been busy before, I've been able to fit some time in and, the in those blessed quiet moments, I could scribble down all of the thoughts and ideas that had come to me in the busyness.
I hope it comes back. Because I don't really want to write children's books about picking up blocks and eating your peas... and I miss my poetic ramblings. I'm sure you all do too (just kidding).
I don't have much of a point here. I just felt like complaining. And... I guess, whether or not there's a good purpose, I want to keep saying something so I'll be in practice when better ideas pop up. As the saying goes, "When you can't think of anything to say, say it". Oops. Maybe that's not so applicable here.

One of those Days

Maybe I didn't sleep well last night. Or all week. Something today is making me feel really cranky. I think it's my whiney baby. I'm slightly sick. When I made Daniel lunch this morning, I realized that my tupperware supply has diminished significantly in the last six months, and that made me mad. Then Arlene wanted to crawl all over me and jab me with her feet and elbows.
While I tried to fold laundry, she crawled all around and over me, messing up my folds and piles. Then when i went to empty the water from the dishwasher hose, I missed the sink and spilled all over myself and while I changed my clothes Arlene whined at me, worried about the mess on the floor.
I'm not typically affected by other peoples' moods and actions, but this little girl can change my whole day. And today... I feel like SCREAMING.

Not that you all wanted to know that, but I don't have any adults to talk to yet, so I had to say it somewhere. :o)

In Praise of Nostalgic Heroes

Probably, if you talk to anyone, the "best" cartoons that were ever on, were the ones showing when they were kids. I'm no exception. I am sad to say, unlike my husband, I watched a lot of TV when I was younger. Mostly because my brothers did, and I didn't have anyone else to hang out with. We'd go upstairs and sit on my brother's bed and watch two or three hours of cartoons on a black and white TV. Sort of in the spirit of bootleggers, seeing as my parents really didn't want us to watch that much television, and probably wouldn't have liked the shows we did watch. But I digress.

Because I know you're all wondering, the lineup of shows went something like this: The Chipmunks, Chip n Dale Rescue Rangers, Duck Tales, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Gidget and the New LEave it to Bever (last two being guilty pleasures... we were a bit limited, since we only got five channels).

Tonight I was telling my husband which Ninja Turtle was which... and I used the best description written: Leonardo leads Donatello does machines (that's a fact, jack) Raphael is cool but crude (give me a break) Michelangelo is a party dude. I am not ashamed of the fact that, out of all of the shows I watched, TMNT was my favorite. Cheesy, yes. But, as timeless as any. It was so good, they made movies and even updated the show in 2003. I am no longer an avid fan of the heroes in a half shell, but I do hold a special place in my heart for them. If you're ever at my house, I might show you some of my second-grade fan fic written about them. Complete with illustrations. Or maybe I won't.

Anyway, after watching some clips on youtube and telling Daniel about my fond memories, I told him one of the saddest parts of my life is the fact that none of my friends share the great memories of the green adventures with me. They never mastered the ninja skills with little self-crafted nunchucks and swords. They were all busy watching Punky Brewster, My Little Pony and Strawberry Shortcake... or whoever.

There is no real point to this blog. I just want you all to know that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (although chalked full of new age beliefs and eastern religion) was my favorite, and reigns forever in my memory as the best show ever.

Joy

Joy - By Out of the Grey

Some say the face is unforgettable
I'm sure I've seen it many times
Ah, but you know me.
I forget so easily.
I thought I saw you in a Sunday crowd
but then I missed you, in a blur of colored water, full of clouds
like Deja vu, answered you...

They say some day I won't need to see you out
but for now, won't you come and wrap me up inside your presence
we can celebrate if you stay...

I know you make your home in any given light
your vision is so clear you don't see what is not
When I find you, will I catch the cure you've got?

Surely you're not in some distant land
maybe down the block
or across the street
have you always been near to me?

Yesterday I went to the basement to dig through my box of maternity clothes and see if there were any shirts that would fit me yet. I was washed with sadness as I looked through the clothes I had bought last time, some of which I never got to wear.
Grief is full of experiences like that. little things that you didn't think about right away in the emotional times. And then they pop up at unexpected times, all through the year. You deal with them, and move on and often even forget those sad thoughts.

While I stood there, holding a handful of shirts to try on, I thought about how worried I happened to be that particular day, about the baby in my womb. And how overwhelming the feeling of helplessness and anxiety is. Wondering if I'm doing something wrong that will hurt the baby, or if it's going to be OK. But, at the same time, ready for the next phase with a big belly and more anticipation.

Then Arlene poked her head down the stairs and started saying, "Hi, hi, hi hi" and I took my shirts upstairs to try on. And she watched me and said "Oooh," every time I put a different one on.
It's so confusing how often joy and sorrow weave in and out of our lives. They intertwine so easily. And yet, it's the biggest relief to me some days, when it would be easier to sit around and throw a pity party. There is joy to be found. Sometimes we just have to seek it out.

Heaven is a Real Place

God didn't give up on the idea of Eden
as some misguided have assumed
The garden has given place to a city
Where the walk of God with man will be resumed
Paradise is not lost at all!
Let my whole life reflect my belief that heaven
is where I'll spend eternity
That would be something,
something to see
Till death is swallowed up in victory

I wanna live like heaven is a real place
I wanna live like heaven is a real place
in my every day time and space
I wanna live like heaven is a real place.

Charlie Peacock "Heaven is a Real Place" from the album "The Secret of Time" 1990

That song's been running through my mind in the last week as I've thought about death and life and persevering through trials.
Last night I visited my old fellowship group, Marriage Matters. They're discussing First Peter, which I'm also studying with my small group. We talked about God's promises and making them real in our lives and remembering them on a day-to-day basis. When Chris asked how we could make the truths in 1 Peter 1:6-12 everyday reality, I thought about how much perspectives change when you consider heaven instead of earth.

There are a million promises for us to live by here on earth, but at the end of the day, I find my greatest comfort in the end of the story. When I'll walk with Jesus in the place He built for us, and ask Him answers to the questions I couldn't find on earth, and hug Him and know His reality, His true unhindered presence. Where freedom will reign, where there will be no room to doubt or question, where everyone will live in light and peace and joy and understanding.

But, like is indicated in the song, it's hard to live like heaven is a real place, when we're stuck on earth and have to deal with all of the crap of living. I suppose it'll make us appreciate it more, if we'll even be able to remember what it was like here.

Anyway, I've decided that making heaven a real place in my heart and mind is a good step toward knowing God better and living in His fullness. So, I endeavor to live out Hebrews 11:13b-16: They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead they were longing for a better country--a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

My Treasure

Today is Arlo appreciation day. I know, you didn't buy a gift. That's OK. I just wanted to tell you all how much I love my little miracle. I didn't realize when she was born just how much of a miracle she was. Of course it's always a miracle when a healthy baby is born, but it's even more one when you find out what I now know about my blood. She becomes more and more of a joy every day, and I loooooove her guts. Life is so precious. Her life is so precious.

The Anchor Holds

I like music, in case you didn't know that. Really, what I love is lyrics. Poetry is wonderful and when you can put it to just the right music, it's a perfect representation of thoughts and feelings. That's probably why, so often, there's a sort of sound track going on in my mind while i go through life. Having a pretty good memory, there are a lot of songs that stick through years and years and years. A lot of them I wish that didn't, like this morning when I couldn't the Christian parody of "I'm a believer" out of my head. That was annoying. Other ones I've grown very fond of, even though their music is outdated.
I've been thinking of songs that have encouraged me through hard times, and ones I can maybe pass on to someone who's hurting. There's a great list of ones that probably most of you will never hear (because I have a husband who likes old music), and right now, the one that's playing is "The Anchor".
Now, just so you know, I've never been a huge fan of Ray Boltz, but "Allegiance" was the first tape I ever owned, so I have some sentimental attachment to it. And The Anchor Holds is still one of the songs that plays in my sound track when I hurt. The deeper the hurt, the more meaningful it becomes. I think I might even want it played at my funeral some day. So, because I know you all care so much, here are the lyrics.


I have journeyed
Through the long, dark night
Out on the open sea
By faith alone
Sight unknown
And yet His eyes were watching me

CHORUS:
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

I've had visions
I've had dreams
I've even held them in my hand
But I never knew
They would slip right through
Like they were only grains of sand

CHORUS

I have been young
But I am older now
And there has been beauty
That these eyes have seen
But it was in the night
Through the storms of my life
Oh, thats where God proved

Grieving in Fellowship

A couple in our church lost their baby last night. He was five months old.
It hurts so much to know a small amount of how much they hurt. Because I have no idea how heavy that burden is, but I know it's so big. My Bible study group prayed for an hour for them, and it felt like all we could do. It's hard to really know what to do or say when something so terrible happens. You don't feel like your life should be going on like normal when you know someone else's world is falling apart. And yet it has to, like a cruel irony... or a beautiful truth that "to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven".

Having grieved, and having had friends grieve with me, I think I'll list my ideas of how people can help those who are suffering. I don't know how relevant this is to some of you who read this, but probably at some point, you'll have someone who needs the comfort of friendship and family. So here are my thoughts from my own experience.

1) Send a card. It seems trite and useless, but they meant SO MUCH to me to know that people noticed and cared. Sometimes they came from completley unexpected people, and it meant a lot to read their words and the words written on the card. Don't just pick up a random "comfort" car or something. Find one witih a meaningful message. I'm planning to send a card in a couple of weeks, because that was when our stopped coming in and I wished every day that I'd get one in the mail.
2) Make a dinner.
3) Send flowers. I never understood why people gave flowers for funerals, but now I think I do. It meant a lot to just say "we care about you", but they also brightened up the house, which felt so cold and empty.
4) Pray. It's the best thing to do. SOmetimes you don't know what to say but it's OK to pray the same thing as long as you keep meaning it. The same struggles pop up over and over as you grieve, and to know people are lifting you up means a lot. Now, a little side note. I often question peoples' sincerity when they say "I'll pray for you", probably because I know how often I say that with the best intentions and then don't do it. So, if you're going to tell them you're praying for them, try to make it meaningful. If you're committed to praying every day, say so. If you've been paying specific things, tell them. Then they can cling to that when they see your prayers being answered.
5) Find a meaningful gift. It's kind of hard to know what to give, but we got a couple ofthings I really treasure. One is a willow tree angel of rememberence, and another was a basket of flowers that are perennials you can plant into a flower bed. I found a neat website that sells rememberence jewlery for people who have lost children, and there are other ideas like that.
6) Share a verse that meant something to you through a hard time, or one you've discovered and pray for them. OUr words don't always mean a lot, but God's words do not return void.
7) KEEP YOUR DANG MOUTH SHUT. Unless you have an inspired word of God, it's usually best to just not say anything because it usually comes out wrong or can be interpreted wrong. You don't want people to have to convince themselves of your good intention. A hug or an "I'm sorry" go a long way. However nice you think you're being, there's usually room for it to be misinterpreted. I won't list off things that people said to us that weren't helpful, but just think really hard if you're going to say something "comforting".

That's all I have for now. I should probably go and get ready for my day now, since me and Arlene are both still in our pajamas. :o)

Non Events

Sometimes you go into something expecting a big ordeal, and then it ends up being a non-event. A waste of time. Like yesterday. On Saturday I'd had some pain in my thigh that was annoying and hurt quite a bit. Sunday morning when I got up to pee at five, it hurt a lot. When we were getting ready for church, I started to think about the risk of blood clots and realized that people get blood clots in their legs.
So I did what every normal American does and went online to research. Sure enough, the symtoms matched a blood clot. So i called my OB and he said "yeah, if you can swing it, you should get in to an urgent care or er and have them check it out to make sure." So instead of going to church like I'd really wanted, we went to the ER and wasted two hours. It was good to go, you know, but, like most things you worry about, nothing came of it. They don't really know what was causing the pain, and it didn't go away yesterday. I suppose it's a pinched nerve or I slept on it wrong or something.
Anyway it just got me worrying about what that meant if I had ablood clot while on blood thinners, and what they could even do to fix it since blood thinners is the solution to blood clots. but it all worked out and I had no real reason to worry.
The only reason I'm writing all of this is because so many people ask for updates and how it's going and there just isn't much to say. Getting shots at night is interesting but not terribly painful. I'm tired and sick but not as bad with the last two pregnancies. And now my leg hurts. That's all I have to update you on so far.

Trusting

I've thought about writing this entry several times over the last fwe weeks, but always decided to wait. When I went in to the doctor after my stillbirth for the check up, he said "Call me as soon as you get a positive pregnancy test. we'll get you on blood thinners, and you'll have a boring pregnancy." I found out in May that I'm pregnant again. I'm ten weeks along now, and I'll be due Feburary 2 if everything goes well.

So far, it hasn't really been boring. There have been some complications that have been very difficult to deal with after what happened last time. Nothing terribly serious. I found out that, along with Factor V Leiden, I have another genetic defect called MTHFR. It's similar to the Factor V. It increases homocystene levels so your blood makes big clots. I've been taking folic acid for it and they think that's all I really need. I had a hemorrhage that's finally clearing up, so I'm starting lovonox incections today. Lovonox is an anti-coagulant (blood thinner) that's supposed to keep me from developing any clots that would harm the baby. I hope it works.

Being pregnant is always an exersize in faith. You always have to trust God and tell yourself not to worry, knowing that He's in control and He makes the decisions. BUt that's a lot easier to do when you don't have a really good reason to worry. I hadn't really had trouble with it until this pregnancy. Now I'm already fighting the worry and doubt. All the time. I don't wawnt to, because it increases my stress level, blood pressure, etc, and yet, it's really hard to counter it.

I wonder why we fear so many things that are so out of our control... I suppose it's human. And I suppose it's a way to learn to trust God. Last night when I was awake at 3:30, Hebrews 12:2 came to mind: "Let us fix our eyes on jesus, the author and profector of our faith, who, for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the Father." I think it was supposed to be a message, which I neglected to take fully take to heart. I need to just keep thinking about Jesus, and stop worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself.