My Treasure

Today is Arlo appreciation day. I know, you didn't buy a gift. That's OK. I just wanted to tell you all how much I love my little miracle. I didn't realize when she was born just how much of a miracle she was. Of course it's always a miracle when a healthy baby is born, but it's even more one when you find out what I now know about my blood. She becomes more and more of a joy every day, and I loooooove her guts. Life is so precious. Her life is so precious.

The Anchor Holds

I like music, in case you didn't know that. Really, what I love is lyrics. Poetry is wonderful and when you can put it to just the right music, it's a perfect representation of thoughts and feelings. That's probably why, so often, there's a sort of sound track going on in my mind while i go through life. Having a pretty good memory, there are a lot of songs that stick through years and years and years. A lot of them I wish that didn't, like this morning when I couldn't the Christian parody of "I'm a believer" out of my head. That was annoying. Other ones I've grown very fond of, even though their music is outdated.
I've been thinking of songs that have encouraged me through hard times, and ones I can maybe pass on to someone who's hurting. There's a great list of ones that probably most of you will never hear (because I have a husband who likes old music), and right now, the one that's playing is "The Anchor".
Now, just so you know, I've never been a huge fan of Ray Boltz, but "Allegiance" was the first tape I ever owned, so I have some sentimental attachment to it. And The Anchor Holds is still one of the songs that plays in my sound track when I hurt. The deeper the hurt, the more meaningful it becomes. I think I might even want it played at my funeral some day. So, because I know you all care so much, here are the lyrics.


I have journeyed
Through the long, dark night
Out on the open sea
By faith alone
Sight unknown
And yet His eyes were watching me

CHORUS:
The anchor holds
Though the ship is battered
The anchor holds
Though the sails are torn
I have fallen on my knees
As I faced the raging seas
The anchor holds
In spite of the storm

I've had visions
I've had dreams
I've even held them in my hand
But I never knew
They would slip right through
Like they were only grains of sand

CHORUS

I have been young
But I am older now
And there has been beauty
That these eyes have seen
But it was in the night
Through the storms of my life
Oh, thats where God proved

Grieving in Fellowship

A couple in our church lost their baby last night. He was five months old.
It hurts so much to know a small amount of how much they hurt. Because I have no idea how heavy that burden is, but I know it's so big. My Bible study group prayed for an hour for them, and it felt like all we could do. It's hard to really know what to do or say when something so terrible happens. You don't feel like your life should be going on like normal when you know someone else's world is falling apart. And yet it has to, like a cruel irony... or a beautiful truth that "to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven".

Having grieved, and having had friends grieve with me, I think I'll list my ideas of how people can help those who are suffering. I don't know how relevant this is to some of you who read this, but probably at some point, you'll have someone who needs the comfort of friendship and family. So here are my thoughts from my own experience.

1) Send a card. It seems trite and useless, but they meant SO MUCH to me to know that people noticed and cared. Sometimes they came from completley unexpected people, and it meant a lot to read their words and the words written on the card. Don't just pick up a random "comfort" car or something. Find one witih a meaningful message. I'm planning to send a card in a couple of weeks, because that was when our stopped coming in and I wished every day that I'd get one in the mail.
2) Make a dinner.
3) Send flowers. I never understood why people gave flowers for funerals, but now I think I do. It meant a lot to just say "we care about you", but they also brightened up the house, which felt so cold and empty.
4) Pray. It's the best thing to do. SOmetimes you don't know what to say but it's OK to pray the same thing as long as you keep meaning it. The same struggles pop up over and over as you grieve, and to know people are lifting you up means a lot. Now, a little side note. I often question peoples' sincerity when they say "I'll pray for you", probably because I know how often I say that with the best intentions and then don't do it. So, if you're going to tell them you're praying for them, try to make it meaningful. If you're committed to praying every day, say so. If you've been paying specific things, tell them. Then they can cling to that when they see your prayers being answered.
5) Find a meaningful gift. It's kind of hard to know what to give, but we got a couple ofthings I really treasure. One is a willow tree angel of rememberence, and another was a basket of flowers that are perennials you can plant into a flower bed. I found a neat website that sells rememberence jewlery for people who have lost children, and there are other ideas like that.
6) Share a verse that meant something to you through a hard time, or one you've discovered and pray for them. OUr words don't always mean a lot, but God's words do not return void.
7) KEEP YOUR DANG MOUTH SHUT. Unless you have an inspired word of God, it's usually best to just not say anything because it usually comes out wrong or can be interpreted wrong. You don't want people to have to convince themselves of your good intention. A hug or an "I'm sorry" go a long way. However nice you think you're being, there's usually room for it to be misinterpreted. I won't list off things that people said to us that weren't helpful, but just think really hard if you're going to say something "comforting".

That's all I have for now. I should probably go and get ready for my day now, since me and Arlene are both still in our pajamas. :o)

Non Events

Sometimes you go into something expecting a big ordeal, and then it ends up being a non-event. A waste of time. Like yesterday. On Saturday I'd had some pain in my thigh that was annoying and hurt quite a bit. Sunday morning when I got up to pee at five, it hurt a lot. When we were getting ready for church, I started to think about the risk of blood clots and realized that people get blood clots in their legs.
So I did what every normal American does and went online to research. Sure enough, the symtoms matched a blood clot. So i called my OB and he said "yeah, if you can swing it, you should get in to an urgent care or er and have them check it out to make sure." So instead of going to church like I'd really wanted, we went to the ER and wasted two hours. It was good to go, you know, but, like most things you worry about, nothing came of it. They don't really know what was causing the pain, and it didn't go away yesterday. I suppose it's a pinched nerve or I slept on it wrong or something.
Anyway it just got me worrying about what that meant if I had ablood clot while on blood thinners, and what they could even do to fix it since blood thinners is the solution to blood clots. but it all worked out and I had no real reason to worry.
The only reason I'm writing all of this is because so many people ask for updates and how it's going and there just isn't much to say. Getting shots at night is interesting but not terribly painful. I'm tired and sick but not as bad with the last two pregnancies. And now my leg hurts. That's all I have to update you on so far.

Trusting

I've thought about writing this entry several times over the last fwe weeks, but always decided to wait. When I went in to the doctor after my stillbirth for the check up, he said "Call me as soon as you get a positive pregnancy test. we'll get you on blood thinners, and you'll have a boring pregnancy." I found out in May that I'm pregnant again. I'm ten weeks along now, and I'll be due Feburary 2 if everything goes well.

So far, it hasn't really been boring. There have been some complications that have been very difficult to deal with after what happened last time. Nothing terribly serious. I found out that, along with Factor V Leiden, I have another genetic defect called MTHFR. It's similar to the Factor V. It increases homocystene levels so your blood makes big clots. I've been taking folic acid for it and they think that's all I really need. I had a hemorrhage that's finally clearing up, so I'm starting lovonox incections today. Lovonox is an anti-coagulant (blood thinner) that's supposed to keep me from developing any clots that would harm the baby. I hope it works.

Being pregnant is always an exersize in faith. You always have to trust God and tell yourself not to worry, knowing that He's in control and He makes the decisions. BUt that's a lot easier to do when you don't have a really good reason to worry. I hadn't really had trouble with it until this pregnancy. Now I'm already fighting the worry and doubt. All the time. I don't wawnt to, because it increases my stress level, blood pressure, etc, and yet, it's really hard to counter it.

I wonder why we fear so many things that are so out of our control... I suppose it's human. And I suppose it's a way to learn to trust God. Last night when I was awake at 3:30, Hebrews 12:2 came to mind: "Let us fix our eyes on jesus, the author and profector of our faith, who, for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the Father." I think it was supposed to be a message, which I neglected to take fully take to heart. I need to just keep thinking about Jesus, and stop worry about tomorrow because tomorrow will worry about itself.

Me and my Bat

Anyone who's known me for long or been to my house knows that I have a secret passion for super heroes. If you browsed my books, you would find a small collection of graphic novels on the bottom shelf of my bookcase. If you went through my toybox filled with my own toys that I didn't have to share with my siblings, you would discover a collection of plastic action figures and assessories, mostly collected in high school and college. If you shop with me, you find my eyes wandering toward the little caped pajamas that advertise someone who can fly. I like super heroes. I just do.

If you know me, you know who my favorite of them all is. It's no secret to most that I am an avid Bat-fan. It all started when I was a little kid, and they showed the cheesy Adam West Batman shows as reruns after school. What can I say? I liked the bright colors and the sweet theme song. The cool gadgets, the sweet car (which, I might add, resides in our very own Marion Iowa) and the bat ears. I liked it. I put a bat pole up in my tree house (an old garden hose tied to a branch). I spent my free time at school making things that would fit in a utility belt.

My facination with detectives and spying only added to the intrigue of Batman. I saw the movies when I was a little older. And then, a great thing happened in 1992. Warner Brothers produced a new cartoon. The Adventures of Batman. It was an awesome cartoon, and my love for it cemented my admiration of the best super hero ever.

But aside from those superficial factors, I've thought through the years what made me identify with Batman more than, say, Supergirl? Or Wonderwoman or the Flash or Superman? So now, for a glimpse into the darkness of my mind, I will explain to you why I relate with Batman and have loved him all these years. This is not a top ten list, but I thought ten was a nice round number.

1) He's an outsider. In fifth, sixth, seventh grade, I discovered that people didn't like me. In general, my peers ignored me or made fun of me. In high school, I realized that, although I had friends, I was still sort of excluded from their personal worlds, the lives they had shared together before they knew me. Batman understands that. Batman doesn't get close to anyone and when he does, he usually wishes he hadn't.

2) He's dark. He lurks in the shadows and sneaks around finding things out about people. He makes it his business to know what's going on. I've always been the kind of person who knows what's happening around me without having to be told. Batman can put pieces together quickly and know things that others haven't told him. He likes to surprise people with what he knows, and use it as a weapon against them. I like that about him. It always brings me great pleasure when someone looks at me and says, "How did you know that!?" I think it gives Batman pleasure too.

3) He's misunderstood and intensely lonely. I don't feel that way as often anymore, but I did when I was falling in love with Batman.

4) He has a dry, dry, dry sense of humor. Enough said.

5) He's freaking smart. I'm not freaking smart, but I like people who are and I always have.

6) He's great at everything I wish I were. Ninja skills, computer hacking skills...

7) He's mysterious.

8) He has a great understanding of human nature.

9) He's always one or two or three steps ahead of everyone, even his "colleagues".

10) He looks really good in spandex.

Those are just the reasons I've though of. I'm sure there are better ones, if I psychoanalysed myself. It's not that I am so much like Batman that I have to relate with him. Granted, there are more admirable super heroes. There are definately ones with more integrity and honor. I like them too. It's just that Batman stands out to me more than anyone else.

The Need

There's a lot going on here as people start to clean out their houses and throw away things they cherish. I had a taste of it when we had to squish down all of the cardboard blocks that we got as kids. We were poor, and they were a Christmas present from someone (I think). We spent all day putting them together and we played with them a lot. We used them to make houses for our little people and Barbie dolls. Now they're in the trash on the road side.

It's not that they're valuable. They're just things. And it's a small thing (there were many others that we had to make decisions to throw away), but it made a little part of me sore and sympathetic for the people just a few houses down who are throwing out photo albums, saved birthday cards and letters, treasured gifts from relatives and so much more.

Emails keep coming about who we can help and how badly they need it. And I'm stuck at home not able to help so very much with much of anything. Even if I gave all I am, it wouldn't be enough. Even if everyone I knew gave what they had, it wouldn't fix much. It's overwhelming.

The need is overwhelming. I wonder if this is a little bit how Jesus felt when he sat outside the gates of Jerusalem, crying. So many people to save, to help. So many lost and hurting hearts. And yet his ached too, knowing what human suffering was ahead for him as well. Please pray for Iowa.

Floods

Well, for those of you who aren't in this area and haven't seen the news, I've been in the midst of some major flooding this last week. Lots of folks are asking how it's going, if we flooded, etc so I thought I'd just write one update and hope that answers the questions.

A) Our house is not flooded, or anywhere near flooding
B) My parent's house was in the flood plain, but missed the waters by maybe 50 feet.
C) My parents are not in the country, so we (my sister, my husband and I) have been responsible to get it cleaned up and taken care of.
D) The last week went something as follows:

Mon-Tues: My cousins were visiting. We had a grand time.

Wed- Parents leave for trip, cousins leave, sister leaves for a day trip to Chicago. We were worried a little about the flood, but the predictions kept it pretty far away from the house. By night time, they'd put out a map of the expanded evacuation area, and my parent's house was in it. We put bags over the drain and pulled stuff off the basement floor just in case.

Thurs - Watching the flood levels very closely. The edge of the water is two or three blocks away. It's raining and storming all day. Roads are beginning to close. Including major highways and roads through town. Water shortage began in town. Rain still pouring. Daniel and a friend set up emergency communication tower for the police, who had relocated because of the flood. I attempted to get more sandbags to use at the house, but got stuck in traffic as they were shutting down so many roads due to flash floods and the real flood.
In the evening, we got a new surprise. They'd predicted a 24 ft. crest, but they changed that to 32 ft. Daniel and a group of random others went to the house and hauled up as much as they could from the basement before curfew.

Friday - Took showers at the farm to conserve water in town. Daniel went in and discovered 3 ft of water in the basement. They got to work making pumps, but there was no power so we had to have generators. I stayed at the farm with my father-in-law to wait till he had the RV's generator fixed and his pumps ready to go. What normally takes twenty minutes to drive into town took more than an hour because traffic was backed up on all of the highways and the only exit roads. It took most of the day to get the pumps going, and I didn't really do much. Some of them worked sometimes, but then my father-in-law went and got two submerging pumps and they worked really well.

Saturday - Finished pumping the water out of the basement and started using squeegees to get the rest of them.

Sunday - Took a little bit of a break, but still went and did some clean-up. Set up fans to dry things.

Monday - My wonderful husband worked for several hours, visiting different offices and officials to get the power turned back on to the house.

Tuesday - Some of my sister's friends and some random Mormons in the neighborhood bleached and cleaned a lot in the basement.

Today - Sorted through all of the things that had gotten wet. Set them on the road side or in the garage to see what the parents wanted to keep. It's mostly all done now.

Lots of people offered to help and get stuff done. Tons of folks from church put in time helping moving things, mostly my sister's friends. They did an amazing job helping out with everything. Now we'll mostly have to let my parents figure the rest out, I think. When I called the insurance guy, he said they weren't covered for ground water, but I feel like that was inconclusive. So... yeah. I guess that's about all. In town, they've moved the barricades down as they check blocks for the house safety. It was at the end of our block, but today it's seven blocks further down. People are emptying their houses, and it's a sad sight. But there is some strange hope in starting over, as well. At least I think so. Anyway, that's that update. I'll write more about other more interesting things some time soon.

Great and Precious Promises

I'm finding my creativity is stifled right now. I don't enjoy times like this. I've been editing stories for a while, and just not full of new ideas at all. The poetry is missing.
I've started a study on First Peter with my small group. I really love First Peter, mostly because it's so straight forward and full of promises and words of encouragement that are easily applied to life today.
The memory verse this week was 1 Peter 1:3 - Praise be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. In HIs great mercy, he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead.
I liked the idea of living hope. Not hope like "I hope it will snow", but Hope that lives and moves in us and takes us to the throne of God, where He hears our cries and assures us with his great and precious promises--assurance that will never "perish, spoil or fade, kept in heaven for us". I find that very comforting these days.
That's all for now. Except for a note to the friend who asked me to write about witnessing in mainstream churches: I'm still thinking on it, but I'll write something eventually.

The Perfect Storm

Mother's Day
Child dedications
Grace's due date.

I'm glad yesterday is over, although Daniel did make it nice. He took me to get tea at Panera when I left the church service, and then we ate in the Amanas with my family. Then we came home and I took a nap and we had a nice relaxing evening together. I really love him.

In Your Presence

some raw thoughts. This is not an easy time for me and Daniel. It's been harder than I imagined, and in some ways even harder than the days of the stillbirth. I ache all over.
We went to the hospital to visit our friends who'd just had their baby. It's strange how joy and happiness can intertwine so easily with sorrow. How we can be happy and glad for our friends, but at the same time, still mourning. There were three babies born this week alone. And it's not the baby part that's hard. It's just that they make me realize how empty it is inside of me.
"Somewhere, between these ins and these outs, there's a fine line of purpose, I follow even now. Through the haze of despair, that confuses and hurts us, i look to see that you're there, and I run toward your light. Somewhere, beyond these reasons and feelings, somewhere beyond the passion and fatigue, I know you're there, and that your spirit is leading me, somewhere beyond all this." (Timeless Rich Mullins. "Somewhere")
I wrote some poems. It's been hard to get them out the way I like them to sound, but this is what I've come up with.

To know Him

Spring time—new life
And I’m looking for a place to hide
Somewhere dark
Where the nagging nightmares will be hard to see
Somewhere that this can all just disappear
There is no solitude, no recourse
But in the darkness a whisper
saying commune with me
know me in my death and in my suffering

Rock of ages

Rock of Ages,
Hide me here
Amidst the blossoms and newborns
in your light and truth
In your presence, finding fullness of joy
let me see further on
where the wounds have healed
and left scars to remind me
of the beauty in You and your perfect plans

In my CD Player, my Head and my Heart

This song has been going all week for me. It's comforting and challenging all at once. You can listen to it for free by clicking on play here. I like it because right now I'd rather be hiding out while the battles go on around me and in my mind. I just bought this CD, so the timing is great.

Strap My Hat On by Mitch McVicker

I'm not scared if the monster comes to drag me under
I'll stay right here no i won't turn gone
I won't wonder
I don't care about no weather front if I hear thunder
groan
it will overblow.

Every time arrows fill my fragile skies
veiled behind neon flash disguises
love will rise to my defense
so I strap my hat on
and I lift my eyes when my king goes by
I'm gonna strap my hat on.

The needle's flat but the gage it laughs
a melody in my weakness
I am pushed from stance to heights unseen
till I'm back agin where my armor friend
is cushion peace to get me through
the song rings true...

Mitch

"Quality in art, music, and literature is related tothe passion, excellence, and message it communicates; the honesty and success of the artist's attempts to reconcile the lower story of human experience (pain, doubt, fear, failure, joy, faith, love, success) with the upper story of the divine."
--My dad's facebook profile

I went to a concert with my brother tonight. It was really good. Not because it was fantastic and full of energetic fans. I think half of the audience were kids. There were a lot of kids there. thirty adults maybe. Maybe forty. Not a ton. Two guys on stage. Four guitars, one ukelalie, a couple of bass and rhythm instruments. Good folk-like pop music. Amazing message in the music.

Amazing musician. He wasn't out to impress people or make a statement or get a mass of adoring fans in his following. He wore dirty jeans that were torn, and a tee-shirt with a jacket over it. And socks. One white, one black. I don't know why. He was very unpolished. He did strange things with his recording thingy. He went ahead and sang even though he knew his guitar wasn't quite in tune. And he smiled and grinned through the concert, and afterwards when he stood around and talked with us.

His name is Mitch McVicker. The name might be familiar to some people who know Rich Mullins' music. They were good friends, roommates and musician friends. Mitch was with Rich when he died. I'm not a crazed fan of Rich Mullins, but I've always appreciated him and what he had to say. I appreciate Mitch McVicker and what he has to say too. Check him out. You'll be glad you did.

Toy Recalls

I just got a notice from one of the stores I frequent, informing me of a toy recall. It wasn't something I'd purchased, but, yet again, too much lead in the paint.

It just goes to prove, it's safer and cheaper to let your kids play with crap laying around the house than it is to buy them crap from a store.

Of course, there are always paint chips and window sills to worry about...

Hardened

I've been thinking about many things, but so rarely have time to sit down at my computer and write them all out, although I truly wish I could and would more often. Life has calmed down for me, but there are of course always new challenges. I've noticed how sensitive my soul has become since the loss of my baby.

I've always considered myself a thick-skinned person... insensitive, almost. I wanted to think I was caring, but I often had to force myself to really care about things that affected others so deeply. I remember in youth group when one of the adult leaders passed away, how... hard I felt. I thought it was a strength, so I could be a support to my friends and see a different perspective. But deep down I think I've always known that hardness isn't the most desired trait a person can possess. It often comes from painful experiences and relationships. I've never been very emotional, so it's been easy to mistake that personality trait with my hardness.

There have been some times when I've realized how callused I am. And I haven't ever known how to change it. I didn't necessarily want to be that way, but it has worked for me. It's been OK. But OK isn't always really OK. And hardness certainly isn't OK for someone who wants the love of Christ to live and move in her life. When you're hard, you don't notice softer things. You don't feel the gentle tugs for compassion and goodness that pull at your heart. You might conciously see something happening, but it doesn't affect you, even when you want it to. And that's what I've been like for so many years.

I remembered recently that before this recent trial, I prayed that God would break me. I can't remember the thought process behind it, but I remember thinking about the hardness I have, and how it was making certain parts of my life difficult. I realized that the combination of hardness and being unemotional wasn't working, that it was making me proud. So I asked God to break me.

I don't know if it was all working together or not, and I certainly don't think God let this happen for that specific reason. But, nonetheless I am finding that these experiences have torn away a layer of stone that sheltered my heart. I think it's been good. It's let me share in others' pain in a way I never used to be able to. It's allowed me to cry over small things and big things, and not feel like I need to hide. It's made me stronger, and it's given me a fellowship with God's heart that I never knew was possible. There's a newness in beauty and innocence and love now, and I think, despite what my training and instincts tell me, I want to embrace it and know softness again.

Things too Wonderful

"I know that You can do everything, and that no purpose of yours can be withheld from You. You asked, 'who is this who hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know."
JOb 42:2-3

Do me a favor. When something bad happens to someone, don't tell them, in the midst of their grief or the aftermath of it "God just had something better". It puts that person in an awkward position. It doesn't make the pain go away.

I've had a lot of well-meaning people (bless their hearts) say that to me in the last week or two. It really grates against me. Because I know the whole Romans 8:28 thing that God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him, but at the same time, I find the "God had something better" to be incomplete theology. Because it doesn't say He works things together for the better of those who love Him. And this world is so broken that you can't guarantee better. At least not by our standards. Of course by His standards and His ultimate purpose and His sovereignty, there is always better. But right now when someone says that, I just think, "what would better be for me? Better than what? Better than my baby girl?" I mostly just nod my head when people say that. It grates against me wrong. I don't think that He let my baby die because He had something better in store (at least not for me). It doesn't comfort me. It makes me restless. It makes me want to argue with them.

I believe that He has other things, wonderful things, in store for us. And I believe that He will accomplish His good pleasure. I believe that He's good and right and just and loving. But I don't believe He intended the world to be like this, so broken and hard. I certainly don't believe
He lets bad things happen to people for the purpose of something "better". I think it hurts HIm just as much as it hurts us and probably more. But still the same, He does let bad things happen, and it's a hard thing to accept. We comfort ourselves by saying His purposes will be accomplished and all of the other Christianese jargon people say. And I know it's true if it's in the Bible. But He didn't create the world to be this way. Sin creates an absense of goodness and sin breaks and twists what God made to be good.

Still you can't help but fight through all of the questions it raises. But I've fought through them before this, when my life was at peace and I just couldn't help but wonder. And I don't have great answers but I can take comfort in believing that He does have a plan, and He does watch what's happening and is intricately involved in what goes on in my life. And he cares about the little birds that fall from the sky, and counts how many hairs are on my head. And He does have good things to accomplish and work together for and in me.

But don't say "God had something better". God has something better. God uses bad things to work together for the good of those who love Him. And I don't mind keeping my faith stocked in Someone who can promise to use whatever bad things happen for His glory, and for my good. I find Him to be my solid rock and all other ground to be shifting sand. Even if I never see "better", I know He is accomplishing even things too wonderful for me to understand. And I am privileged to get a glimpse of any of them.

[editor's note: I write this today, after struggling through two really hard days this week. I don't want people to think I'm really strong and things aren't bothering me. I'm holding together but it's because of God's grace and your prayers, not because of me. I really need your prayers right now.]

All the Way

All the way my savior leads me
and he cheers each winding path I tread
gives me strength for every trial
and feeds me with the living bread
though my weary steps may falter
and my soul a-thirst may be
gushing from a rock before me
Lo! a spring of joy I see

~ Fanny Crosby "All the Way my Savior Leads me"

That isn't just a song today. It's a description of exactly how I feel, and exactly what God does. I guess Fanny wrote this after she'd been struggling financially, and a man on the street came and offered her $5, the exact amount she needed. I think 2nd Peter 1:3 applies nicely.
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness according to our knowledge of Him who called us according to his own goodness and grace.

Factor V Leiden

My doctor called yesterday with some news. First he asked how I was doing and some other things, and then he explained that he hadn't called earlier because there hadn't been any substantial results from any of the tests. The autopsy was normal. The blood cultures on the placenta were normal. Basically everything had come back negative except for one thing. He said that it's a fairly common problem and one major side effect are miscarriages and stillbirths. It's called Factor V (five) Leiden, and it causes the blood to clot easily. Basically it means that when the blood cells replicate, one of them mutates (some people have both mutate, but in my case it's only one). It's a genetic trait that gets passed on from one parent.

There are still some more tests that haven't come back yet, so this isn't the final word, but the doctor was guessing that I got a blood clot in the placenta or umbilical cord. There could be something else also, and I guess you never really know for sure. What it means for me is that if I get pregnant again, I'll have to be on blood thinners during my pregnancy. That's about all that I know right now and I guess that's all I have to say also. Except thanks to all of the people who have sent cards and brought meals. it has made our lives much easier and we have felt so cared for.

The Dark Night of the Soul

Sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
when the mountains look so big
but my faith just seems so small
so hold me Jesus
cuz I'm shaking like a leaf
you have been King of my glory
won't you be my Prince of Peace?

-"hold me Jesus" Rich Mullins

It's been a week and two days since everything happened. Physically, I feel a lot better. My back hurts a lot, but otherwise I'm mostly OK (with the help of ibuprofen). We have been so blessed by all of the emails and cards and meals we've gotten. Some people wait their whole lives looking for friends that will be there like so many of you have. I can't say thank you enough or in the right way to express how thankful I am. I do hope that you'll continue praying, because things aren't really getting easier yet. A lot of people have said they get worse before they get better. I hope that isn't true.

People ask how we're doing, and I don't know how to answer because so many things are fine. I don't really know how to explain what it feels like. You kind of live on two levels. There's the normal everyday life that continues to roll around you and take you with it, but then there's the pain that lingers under the surface and struggles to keep you remembering, even when you'd rather not. And most of the day things just go on as normal, but then it gets quiet and you're all alone for a few minutes, and there's nothing to distract you so you start thinking about it, replaying it all in your mind, asking the same questions over and over, and wishing that it some how didn't hurt so much. And when the two levels meet each other, you end up crying because you bit your tongue or dropped your bagel in the dirt.

Last night we went on a date, and Daniel told me he felt feelings for me that he hadn't in a long time. I told him when we went to bed that i felt like I'd fallen in love with him all over again. He's soooo wonderful.

I had some time to myself on Tuesday to finally write in my journal and sort things out a little. It was really nice to sit there in the coffee house and think. I'm an introvert, and with all of the support we've been having from others, I haven't processed some things. That gave me a good chance to do it. I'll share a few of the thoughts I had, and then I'll stop writing because this is already pretty long.

I've heard about the dark night of the soul, where your doubts and circumstances cause so much duress that your faith comes up against a wall. I have been there before a couple of times, sitting alone in my room and wondering why I believe in God, if it's all true or if it's just the most logical of religions and in the end they're all lies. Asking questions that don't have good clear answers, and doubting that I'd believe the answers even if I knew. It's a scary place to be in when what you've based your life on suddenly feels unreal and untrue.

I've been waiting for that to happen since this all came out, but so far it hasn't. The opposite has, and I believe that's due to your prayers and the goodness of God. I've seen His hand with every step. I feel held and carried by Him. There have been so many little things that I can attribute to Him. And the fact that I can give Him credit for them makes me glad. Because I know my personality and how my mind works, and how the shadows creep in when I let my guard down. Not that doubting is wrong. But we're blessed when we can not see and still believe. And I guess that's what's been happening, because I do feel blessed and so taken care of. Despite it all.

I still lie awake at night and try to comfort myself, but the comfort that comes is outside of myself. It's the peace that passes understanding, and it's guarding my heart and mind.

... And the things you never thought you'd have to deal with.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.
"Held" by Natalie Grant

I don't really know how to write this. I'd like to be poetic and profound, but I don't want to exert the energy doing that so I guess I'll just be raw.

On Monday morning I called the doctor because I'd missed my appointment on Friday. I hadn't felt the baby move in a few days, and I was starting to get worried. They called back and had me come in to have an ultrasound (which I'd needed anyway). Everything went like normal, except the technician didn't stop to take any pictures. Then she said, "I'm not finding a heartbeat here either. I'm going to have the doctor take a look." A few minutes later, they escorted me to one of the patient's rooms and I called Daniel to come down.
I'd prayed for peace that morning. I'd been so worried that something was wrong, but in pregnancy, most of your worries end up being nothing, and we all know it doesn't help to worry. So in the shower that morning, I stopped myself from all of the crying (hormones) and prayed that God would give me peace. Then I corrected myself and prayed that God would BE my Peace. And He was. And He has been through everything that's happened, so I'm thankful that He answered that first prayer of mine and gave me that assurance that He is here.
So anyway, the doctor came in when Daniel got there and explained some things. It was a still born baby. There were some deformations, but they didn't really know what had happened yet. We needed to have labor induced, so we decided to do it right away. My mom had Arlene and was planning to watch her as long as she needed to, so we went down to the hospital and got started.
My mother-in-law stopped in later that day. Pat from church did too, to do all of the official pastoral care. It was nice, but we requested no other visitors because we didn't know what state things would be in.
It took seventeen hours of labor before I delivered, but the delivery was pretty fast. I didn't get my epidural in time. I started needing to push before he'd gotten the doses in, so it didn't really take effect until after the baby was born. But it went pretty well, all things considered.
It was a girl. We named her Grace. Since she was more than 20 weeks the state considers her a person, so we had the option of sitting with her or whatever, but we opted not to see her. It's hard to explain all of the reasons and thoughts behind our decisions, but thankfully we just agreed on everything without having to really discuss it with each other.
I couldn't eat until after I'd delivered the placenta and they'd done an ultrasound to make sure there were no remnants, so that took another four hours. Then we ate a big meal and took care of some logistics at the hospital and we came home.
It was zero degrees with 45mph gusts of wind when we came home. We got inside and found three bouquets of flowers and a lot of food. Someone had picked up the house and done dishes too. (Thanks family).
we're doing pretty well. Lots of people have offered to bring meals and help however they can, and I am so grateful. I don't really know what the next few weeks are going to be like. So far it feels like typical grief. I will probably want some company during the day and maybe people to watch Arlene or help me with some house work. I'm not supposed to do anything strenuous for a few weeks.
I don't know what else to say, I guess. Thanks to everyone who's been helping make this easier on us. I know it's hard to know what to say or do. Just know you don't actually have to say or do anything. Prayers have been helping a lot. I know. Knowing that people care about us has made me so thankful for the family of God, and for our families here.
I think that's all for now. If you'd like to help with something, I'd prefer the e-mail contact method over phone, because I'm having a hard time making decisions right now. Thanks to everyone for caring so much. I never thought I'd be in this position.
But my life has been so easy, in some ways, I've been waiting for the bomb to drop. It hasn't been as terrible as I thought it would be, but it has been terrible.