We’ve all got something to say

About the memories from which we were made

The pieces of time and space

Spread out before us in eternity

And I used to count stars

Back when I still believed you could count them all

Those parts of me, the people the places, the dreams and the failures

Remembered only in my heart for what they were

These things, seen by the masses as every day

Can become, in an individual soul, the essence of who they are.

And that’s why I can’t stop looking at these parts

The simple and the strong, the short and the long

Mundane and colorful, the memories

The stars, counted once, counted twice, and thousands more.

Seen by all

From their own corner of the world.

Wedding Bells

There were no wedding bells last weekend. At least not where I was. But there was a wedding.
We drove down to Nashville for my sister's hitchin'. Overall, it was a pretty good time. Even though it was a little busy. For those of you interested in these kinds of things, I'll just give the synopsis.
I was a bridesmaid. My girls were flower girls. They were adorable, even though their little curls didn't really stay in with the humidity.
The wedding was at the church the groom had grown up in, and his dad had been a pastor there. So there was this tightly knit community all around us. It was nice to see, and I think that an outsider would probably think my family/church looked similar. I felt strangely outside of it all. There weren'ta lot of "brides guests" at the wedding. My sister's best friend family came. There are three daughters and the parents and they're like her second family. Then of course, my brothers and my parents were there and hubby. My mother-in-law came as well, since she's one of my mom's best friends. And my cousin.
That was it as far as people I knew. There were a lot of kids from college who came too. I love my sister's friends. Hanging out with the bridesmaids was really fun. For the bachelorette party we went to this place called Cadalak Ranch. We had some drinks and danced. We meaning not me. well I danced. I didn't drink because I didn't feel like shelling out seven and a half bucks per glass. But whatever. I was pretty much over it after an hour, but we stayed longer.
It was fun to see the night life down there, though. I wished we'd had more time to stop into some other joints and check them out. There was some cool stuff down there.
After the wedding we drove downtown again with my parents and my cousin and brothers. Then we went to this park with a Parthanon in it. There was a wedding there so we got to see inside and it was pretty cool. There was also a tent with swing dancing and live music at the park which I enjoyed.
The wedding was cute. Kind of simple. And that's about all there is to say about that. The 10-hour drive home was... um, exhausting. I think we're done traveling for a while.
I haven't had a summer this crazy since the first year after we graduated college. We had a wedding we were in every other weekend, and then we had to squeeze in a trip to California for Daniel's grandma's funeral, and right after I got homef rom that I rode up to Montana to see my grandparents and took the train home in time for the next wedding.
This has actually been less exhausting than that. Except I have kids now, so maybe it was.
Whatever. I'm unwinding now by playing a stupid bricks breaking game and watching Star Trek Deep Space 9. **Geek Disclaimer** So far I don't like the show much. I didn't like it much when I was a kid either. If it doesn't get more interesting soon I'll probably skip ahead to Voyager. Which I really did like when it was on the air. Yeah, you all wanted to know that, didn't you?
I'm going to go back to my very important show now. Have a great weekend!

Where Did Summer Go?

I've heard about a billion people say that this week, as all of the area schools are starting back up again. I sort of miss it. I have ever since that last year.
The new markers and pencils, the fresh uncracked notebooks and the smell of freshly waxed floors at the school. The excitement and anxiety of meeting the class and new teachers.
Hearing them try to pronounce my name correctly.
Next year will be Arlene's kindergarten year. I don't know what we're doing yet as far as what school or home school. This year a few of us are having a preschool co-op where all of the kids go to one mom's house and we rotate through who teaches what. It might be fun. I decided not to send her to preschool for several reasons. 1) I taught preschool for four years myself 2) She knows pretty much everything she'd learn and I don't want her to be bored. 3) She's just a kid. I don't want to rush into school. 4) It's expensive. 5) She gets a LOT of social interaction, and classroom experience, so that isn't a concern at all.
As I consider homeschooling and its benefits, more than that I think about the cons. Like the fact that we won't have those mystical first days of school, and that I'll have kids with me all day every day. But, there are plenty of other things that I like about it. Primarily the freedom to do as we wish, rearrange the day based on what needs to be done. take school on vacation and do it there. Anyway, hopefully that doesn't start a public debate because I don't really care to have one. I can see benefits of both ways. I went to public school my whole life, which is partly why I'm partial to other options.
All that to say, with the school year gearing up, I do feel sort of gypped. We were busy running around, working on projects and whatever. We didn't really get to enjoy long summer nights with camp fires and stars and swimming pools and bugs. It's been so bloody hot this summer too. So when we were home, we just didn't get to enjoy the outside like we normally would have. And the grass was long so I had to mow a lot, which is like my least favorite thing to do. But, I guess, the vacations and trips and being busy is partly what summer is too. So I'm glad that we got to meet up with friends and enjoy the freedom of no activities. And, I'm planning to eek out whatever parts of summer i can while it's still warm. And the warm always stays longer than I want.

Very very busy

My kids have a song on one of their CDs that goes "we're very very busy and we've got a lot to do and we haven't got a minute to explain it all to you. For on sunday monday tuesday there are things that we must see and on wednesday thursday Friday we're as busy as can be. With our most important meetings and our most important calls and we have to do so many things and post them on the walls."
That's how I've felt this summer. It's kind of driving me nuts. I like having time to sit. There hasn't been a lot of it (hense the shortage of posts, which I know you're all so sad about). Kids just keep you busy. In the summer, there's more to do too. Library programs, wading pools and sprinklers, gardening (which I didn't do this year), walks, bike rides, parks, etc. I've wanted to have more time with my friends, but it seems like these things keep coming up.
And in the midst of it, I have these fleeting deep thoughts, which i think I'll blog about, but then I forget them by the end of the day when I have time.
I also wasted two weeks of evenings watching a TV show that we got addicted to. Not sharing what it is, either. Guilty pleasures.
Anyway. What else happened?
My sister hopped home for a quick visit. While she was here, my brother returned home from Afghanistan, so we went down to central state for the coming home cerimony. It was ridiculously short, which was great. And so great to have my little brother home.
My sister's getting married in two and a half weeks in Nashville. Before that, we're probably headed up to Montana for a quick visit with the relatives. It doesn't quite seem like a good idea to drag my kids across the country one direction one week, then back across and the other direction the next. But I think I'm crazy like that. It should be good.
Between MOntana and Nashville, my brother-in-law's family will be here visiting. We're closest in age to them and always get along well, so we'll probably spend some time with them in those few days.
It isn't really that busy when I talk about it. But, then I have to add in bringing the kids along everywhere, making supper, keeping the house clean, finishing house projects (never ending), church, and garage sales (which I actually consider part of my duty because otherwise I have to go and find good deals at stores and save coupons and crap like that and I just don't want to).
I like busy. but I like butt-sitting too. Maybe Montana will be a good rest. I can't wait to stand among the wheat. Watch the rodeo and dream about horses. Ride four wheelers and bum around at the fair with the cousins. Maybe I'll get a good storm out of it too.
Anyway, that was a boring post about what I'm doing. What are you doing these days? Are you busy too?

One Year Ago

It's funny how, even though our minds seem built for eternity, we live with such a temporal mindset. Where we take so many wonderful things for granted. And then, in one jarring moment, when it's lost, we realize all over again how broken the world is, and how fleeting all of our pleasures are.

One year ago, I was in the RV headed up to my grandma's funeral with my family, my older brother and a cousin. With such heavy hearts, we laid her to rest in the family plot, next to ancestors and baby grandchildren gone too soon. It was the first funeral I've been to where I felt great personal loss at the goodbye. because grandmas, they're just always part of your life. Whether you know them well or not. You're part of them. They're a piece of the stability you know, and part of who you are.

My grandma, Dorthy Mae, was this amazing woman who learned the joy of contentment, even amidst trials and discomfort. She knew God's peace in a way I hope I will some day. Her home was part of me, that tiny shack she called her patchwork palace, made up of combined pieces of other shacks and homesteads, heated by a coal stove. She never seemed to mind the fact that she couldn't grow flowers in that dusty soil.

How is she a part of me? She prayed for me, I think every day. She invited me into her life, and shared this talent for writing, whther through genes or just through a mutual interest. She'd show me her publications, and tell me about the marketing. The last time I saw her, we talked about the time it takes. How it's easy to write, because that's the fun part. But marketing is a whole different ballgame. And she probably had more success than I ever will. She wrote thousands of articles for the newpaper, the Montana magazine, and senior citizens news. Her poetry is so poingnet and masterful. And while most of the world never gets to see it, I do. And I'm better for it.

I miss her all the time. Those wrinkled laugh lines and sheepish smile. The softness of her voice. Her silly jokes and the way she always found happiness amidst the dust. The baked bread. The coal dust that covered everything in her house.
The generosity and grace which came out of her content heart.
I'd give everything to be able to sit at the table and play Scrabble again, just one last time.
And I think I will, if games are a part of heaven. And there, it won't matter that she takes twenty minutes to put down a 70-point word every turn.
There, she won't have to use a walker or be in pain, or wade her way through clutter and junk, or open the window for a better breeze and wish the bugs weren't flying in. There, we'll just worship together.
I like to imagine her up there, rocking babies while she waits for the rest of us. My brother Daniel, my daughter Grace. My cousin, John, who would be 35 if he were here. I think she probably makes them soup, too, since something that delicious could only come from heaven.

Why do we miss our grandmas so much when they leave? Because they're a part of us. And her spirit of fortitude, and the joy she showed, her quiet devotion to God and her family, will always be a part of me. Save me a seat up there, Grandma.

WHY WEEPEST THOU?

By Dorothy Rustebakke

Dewdrops glistened on the bud
As Mary walked in grief,
Seeing not the quickened bough
Nor yet the bright new leaf.

But as she walked in sorrow there,
Blinded by her tears,
Her risen Lord spoke words to her
That echo through the years.

And all who grieve for loved ones lost
Find comfort even now,
Remembering the gentle voice
That asked, "Why weepest thou?"

Kim, the Scrabble Warrior

The other night I met with my friend from high school. Really, she's one of only a couple who are left that I still stay in contact with. Thanks to facebook I keep tabs on several friends, but really Kim's the one I see most often. We meet every couple of months to play Scrabble and catch up.
Even though I beat her by about 50 points this time around, we're pretty equally matched in Scrabble so it makes it more fun. What I like about Kim, aside from her being plaina wesome, is that she really hasn't changed a lot. And i don't feel like I have either. so when we hang out, I don't feel like I have to impress her or prove anything.
She is immensly more talented, smart and successful than i am/was/ever will be so I'm just glad she still likes me.
I met her in freshman math class. we were in this block so we had all four of our afternoon classes together, along with band in the morning. We met because our mutual friends didn't really understand math. We were all in on that together, since our teacher really only cared about baseball.
After that year we had several more classes together. The most memorable being the humanities/history block, and AP Chemistry. What sucked was that she always got better grades than me, no matter who worked harder. Actually she was usually the one working harder. Which proves how much smarter she was. She ended up being valedictorian. I sat somewhere in the middle of the class, doing what I needed to to get by.
we have a lot of great memories. One of the best is how we used to make faces at each other when we were giving speeches. It usually involved this ridiculous thing from Monty Python's Flying Circus "And now for something completely different. A man with a tape recorder up his nose." Yeah. It's hilarious.
We also passed from class to class chanting things about our teachers. That was awesome. we were awesome. The rest of the world didn't understand. We weren't popular. And we just didn't care.
Now, married with two kids each, we're still awesome. And that's what keeps me going back to get slaughtered at Scrabble once in a whlie. Because I like people who don't make me feel like I need to be a certain way. Who know the "real me" so to speak. And she does. Or at least, the part of me that wore moose slippers to school, made fun of teachers, wrote hilarious notes, nearly failed math, and who had her own agenda. Sometimes I miss those days. Most of the time I'm glad we're not there anymore.


oh, and unrelated to this post, she is also part owner of the local Beef O'Brady's, as well as the manager. Which might be the only claim to fame I actually have at this time in life. If you'd even call it fame.

Christian Hippies, guitars, and Petra

So I spent the weekend in the RV with my husband, two of his brothers, his dad, and my sister-in-law at a music festival in the middle of a cornfield.
It was 95 degrees and as humid as an indoor pool. We hung out under tents most of the time, listening to different obscure bands playing. And it was SO FUN!
I've named cornerstone the Christian Hippie Fest, because really the flour and fauna made me feel a little... too normal. Conservative and... old, actually. It was great, though. I think about 10,000 people attend, and everyone camps out all over the place for four days, playing music, going to seminars, and enjoying concerts.
They had a Jesus fest this year, bringing in some older bands and artists from the late 60's and 70's. That part was cool, because I'm kind of intrigued by the history of the Jesus movement and the social conditions that made room for such a big movement. My parents and my aunt and uncle were part of it. And the music at the festival Thursday night took us back to that time. Barry McGuire was great, so friendly and personable. He just talked and shared and sang in between. Randy Stonehill was a dork but I like a lot of his music. And he talked about Keith Green, which was cool.
There were some other bands I wasn't super familiar with, and I enjoyed listening to them. But the best part of that night was Classic Petra. If you know anything about Christian music, you know Petra. They were one of the first, maybe the first, Christian rock band. They retired a few years ago, but now some of the old members have reuninted to recover some of their old songs. So they were there, and their show was better than I ever imagined it would be. I'm not even a big Petra fan, but thanks to my pseudo-roommmate freshman year of college, I knew most of the songs they sang. And they were awesome.
Have you seen the Rolling Stones preform lately? They don't got nothin' on Petra. They were so good, so finely tuned and tight together. And Greg X Voltz can still bring it vocally. He hit all of the notes. It was so fun. And the best part was being with my brother-in-law who is a die-hard 80's rock fan. We all danced and sang, only about 50 feet from the stage. This is us. My brother-in-law on the right, and my sister-in-law on my left. And my father-in-law, sleeping in his lawn chair behind us. LOL!
Then there was Phil Keaggy. And he absolutely rules. The guy's probably 65 or older, and he still sounds like he did at age 20. And the guitar. Amazing. We had a rare treat because he sang with his old band Glass Harp, too. That made it even cooler.
I don't know why I'm writing all of this out. Probably most of you just aren't interested in knowing about my Cornerstone experience. But, the coolest part about it is the general atmosphere of the hippies and goths and punks who hang out there. Everyone's nice and friendly, and you can wear/do anything crazy that you want. Partly because you don't know anyone, and mostly because no one cares. I don't have the picture of my awesome hat I wore. Let's just say, it was my grandma's, and it folds up like a fan. I love having a chance to be a dork.
And I loved seeing the bands. It was so fun!
And, thankfully, the RV had air conditioning, or it would not have been NEARLY as awesome.

I've got the Hots

We just went through a horrific heat wave. It was 95+ and about a billion percent humidity. I also happened to be at an outdoor music festival at the same time. We camped with our RV so thankfully there was air conditioning in it, but while we were listening to music and enjoying the aura of crazy Christian hippies, we sweated through our clothes and got caked in dusty mud. I will write more about that later.
Today I was thinking about this hot weather. I hate it. I've always hated it. But, my mom, being who she is, sometimes would make hot days fun for us when we were kids.
We lived in a rented farm house with no air conditioning. So when the weather got into the 90's, she'd take us to the library or the mall to hang out during the hottest part of the day.
We also had an incredible wading pool--a metal water tank for cattle. It was bigger than most wading pools, and deeper too. We'd fill that up and spend hours outside splashing around.
I remember one really great day when we went to the library, and then we came home with all three Star Wars movies. My parents always blocked off the living room and turned on the window air conditioner, so it would make that one room cool enough to live in. So we stayed in that room with our books and legos and other activities, with Return of the Jedi playing in the background. Mom and I worked on these little clay flowers she was using to make a craft. Then, when bed time came, we all brought our blankets and pillows downstairs and camped out on the floor in the living room.
My parents slept up in their room with the baby, since they had an air conditioner in their window. But for me and my brothers, it was party time. I LOVED those hot nights like that. And I always think of it when we have hot days. I sort of miss that simplicity in my life. We just dropped $2500 for a new central AC in our house, since our other one burned out. Maybe we should have sprung for new windows instead and just enjoyed some more nights camping out in the living room.

Hey, Crazy Coupon People! Leave Some Deals for ME!

So... I just need to vent this. And it's my blog, so I can. I'm starting to be really annoyed with these crazy coupon hunter people.
I'm all about finding deals. I really am. I always check the coupons and try to save by stocking up when deals are really good.
I do not, however, BUY OUT THE WHOLE STORE JUST BECAUSE I CAN.
And it's really disappointing when I plan to use my one little coupon to get a good deal on one little thing to make for supper this week, only to find that t he crazy coupon people have been at it again, BUYING OUT THE WHOLE STORE. AUUUUGH!
I hope I don't offend anyone here. Because I do have some friends who probably fall into the crazy couponing category. And I love them dearly. And I like what they do. But seriously, folks. Let's draw a line. It isn't FAIR to me, an average consumer, that you peeled off all of the sticky coupons from a product, and you didn't even buy it, and then when I want to buy one or two, I'm totally deprived of the deal I was supposed to be getting as a reward for buying that thing. Let's show some class here.
Here's another thing. Are you really using all of that stuff you get? Did you really need 6 sticks of deodorant? Really?
Well. That's all I have to say. That, and I wish that stupid TLC show had never existed because it's only fueling the fire! I hate that show. I feel sick watching it. And some of those people... I think they need psychological help. Why are we making it into entertainment? (I'm gonna have to say that's true of many reality shows, however.)
All right. Hopefully no one hates me for saying it. It's just my opinion.

Missing my Free Time!

I haven't had any spare time in the last couple of weeks. Things just got really busy for all of us. With summer in full swing. so. What have I been doing?

Mostly, trying to keep up with these guys:

we've spent a lot of time in the wading pool in the back yard this summer. But now it's been raining for two weeks straight, so we're trying to find more interesting things to do.
Like potty training.
Which, by the way, I am terrible at. I will not share the trauma with the whole world. But let's just say I suck.

I also wrote a devotion book for a camp at church. Every year my mother-in-law, along with her team of friends, puts on a theatrical camp. For two weeks 3-8th graders come to church in the morning and learn different parts of theater/acting/set-design/dancing whatever. they put on a play at the end. This year the play is about David and Goliath, so what I wrote corresponded with themes from that. I enjoy writing devotions. For camp, I check their "homework", and I've been teaching their devotion time in camp too. It's been a challenge. But I sort of like it too.

Anyway.
I've also been busy with wedding plans. My sister's getting married in August. She was home and so we had showers and dresses and all of that girl-stuff that comes with weddings. It's been fun, though. Now that she's growing up and we can kind of relate about some more things in life.
My BFF cousin visited too while my sister was here. That was awesome like usual. Becky and I grew up playing in the barn, chasing down cats, fighting with our older siblings, and inventing spy organizations together. It's not nearly as interesting when we hang out now, but I guess that might be good. Although, we have been known to break out in random songs from "The Music Man". but that's a trait almost everyone in my extended family shares.
Overall, life is good. We spend a lot of our free time reading library books and running through the sprinkler.
I spend whatever moment I get to myself writing. Because I love it. And I'm in the middle of a project.
Next week will be just as busy as this one, if not more. And then, my brother and sister-in-law come to town. After four days, we're all going to drive across the state for a Christian music festival together. More to come on that...

Little Leaf

You liked where you were walking
on the solid ground of yesterday
safe from shadows and thorns.
But change comes in like the wind
and pushes away all that you saw as solid--
the comfortable that keeps you
in places like green pastures and goodnight kisses
And you see it as a struggle when that wind comes
and you cling to the tree
like a little leaf
Unable to see the sky above
or the road ahead calling "Come and be free!"

In Africa you caught a glimpse
of that mysterious place that ties us together
with trust and love
and your heart is asking for more.
And you know, letting go now, will pull you back into that sacred space
Not into the safe meadows in the
sheltered softness of what has always been home
but somewhere beyond, somewhere unknown
high above those lofty clouds you've watched

And insecurity holds you there
tethered to the tree
Will you trust that something bigger is at work here
and simply let it be?
What dreams will die? What life may come!
what treasures lie in store!
how do we do it together, when it's always been just me?
You wonder and you cry
and you cling.

But you, little leaf,
you needn't be afraid.
He will always keep you safe.
You must surrender to the wind
as it takes you high and low, hither and yon
You will find your heart at ease there beyond
all you could ever think or dream
And when you look back over your shoulder at the unending sky
you will probably find
that until now you never really were free
and you didn't really know how to fly.

Arlo's wedding

We enjoyed some good old time fun this weekend. Our friend Arlene from college got married to another friend from college. Instead of a nice traditionally quaint wedding, or an elaborate show, this wedding was simple down to earth, good old fashioned fun.
I've lived in Iowa my whole life but never been to a barn dance. I really have to say I enjoyed it. My kids did too. We just had a great time. The music was fantastic.
Instead of cake and cake-cutting rituals, Arlo and Darin had a pie contest. All of their guests were invited to bring a pie for judging. Which made for delicious dessert time! We sat on quilts on the lawn for the meal, and had a great time visiting with friends and strangers.
Most weddings, you sit around with a couple people and have awkward conversation and try to think of things to say. This wasn't like that. we met some really neat people and enjoyed catching up with other friends from college.
I liked the small-town country feel. I wish we had mroe chances for things like that.
So, I'm just going to say, we named our kid after one of the coolest people in the world. When you read about the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians, you would be describing her. (Although she would tell you that isn't the case). She has a gentle, quiet demeanor but a funny sense of humor. She enjoys life. She lives in simplicity and welcomes people into her life with honesty and openness. She loves God and shines in whatever she does. Of course, we love her. And that will be a wedding for the history books, for sure.

Judgment Day

I just have to get this off my chest. I don't really feel like starting debates or anything, but this is my blog so I have a right to say what I think on it, don't I.
I know everyone thinks Harold Camping is a whack job, and of course the whole Judgment day thing is a joke.
Even to those of us who believe it will happen. Some day.
But it left me unsettled all day yesterday. Not because I was afraid that the world was going to end but because I don't like how funny it was to everyone. We shouldn't make light of holy things. And maybe this makes me as crazy as him, but I still believe that there will be a rapture, an apocalypse and a return of the King. It didn't happen like camping said it would. It didn't happen today, but I think it will some day.
While I was thinking about the whole thing yesterday and questioning it, I found this verse:

"I am ready to vindicate. I am ready to deliver, I will establish justice among the nations. The coastlands wait patiently for me; they wait in anticipation for the revelation of my power. Look up at the sky! Look at the earth below! For he sky will dissipate like smoke, and the earth will wear out like clothes; its residents will die like gnats. But the deliverance I give is permanent; the vindication I provide will not disappear." Isaiah 51:5-6

Thankfully, I can hope in him, even if the end of the world is near!

Here's another thing that's bugging me. Yes, his prophesy is wrong. Clearly. I don't really understand how he ever came to his conclusions. I really don't. But let's be honest. He's a guy who's allowed himself to get carried away with one little area of theology instead of concerning himself with the bigger picture. I think I've fallen into that category more than once. (Probably not so fanatically but who's to say?)
Yes, he's delusional. But I think it might be interesting to find out how many "respected" leaders in the church are actually incorrect. When the roll is called up yonder, and we're engulfed in the Truth. Something to think about. How quick you throw out phrases like "false teacher" and "liar".
I'm not saying he isn't false. He is. And clearly he missed a few pages in the "Principles of applying the Bible" book. But I've seen false teachers who KNEW they were doing it, who WANTED to say things that weren't true and make people follow them, because they knew it would bring them personal gain. Was Harold Camping one of them? No. And it's not my job to judge his heart anyway.

And last, of course every good evangelical has been saying it all along. We don't know when "IT" could happen. I think he might have mistook some of the information in Revelation, but I don't know. I don't think i have to know the details to believe it could have been today. And I don't think I'd want to give an account for my life yet. Still I know I'd be covered with Christ's everlasting love and forgiveness if I did have to. Would you be? You could. He invites us over and over.

Isaiah 55:1-3 Hey, all who are thirsty, come to the water! You who have no money, come! Buy and eat! Come! Buy wine and milk without money and without cost! Why pay money for something that will not nourish you? Why spend your hard-earned money on something that will not satisfy? Listen carefully to me and eat what is nourishing. Enjoy fine food! Pay attention and come to me. Listen so you can live! Them I will make an unconditional covenant promise to you. 6 Seek the Lord while he makes himself available, call to him while he is nearby!

Maybe I'm just as crazy as Harold Camping for believing it. I don't know. I'd rather believe it and be wrong than not believe and have it be right. Wouldn't you?

Heaven

Heaven

The darkness swells around
as the evening turns to night, and the shadows of longing
tear at my heart
When I remember her life
and think of all the missed years
that we could have shared together on this earth

And amidst the loneliness and loss, and begging for answers
I find a depth and quietness in my spirit
Blanketed in the comfort He’d promised when He left.
He said He’d come back and make it all right
Stand upon the hill, shout like a warrior
and carry forth His justice throughout the ends of the earth
And I could go back with him to his place in the sky
Where He’d wipe away every tear I cry.

And I’ll see her there, wrapped up in His love
and the time and the years and the sorrow and the tears
will become just sweet flavors of grace.
And the sickness of sorrow that shadowed our lives
in those moments when death gripped our souls
reminding us of our own frailty and sin
will be only a memory, one that pales there in His perfect light
when we behold Him.

(Missing Grandma. Wishing for Heaven)

Intergenerational mingling

Tonight my church's womens ministry took over a coffee shop for the express purpose of allowing women to "mingle" with women of other generations. It's a great idea! I couldn't make it because I had another commitment.
I did, however, have a chance for some inter-generational mingling. With my 14-year-old babysitter. It's sort of a funny coincidence, but while i was driving her home, we got on the subject of siblings and things. She talked about how her mom had lost several babies, and how she always wondered what it would have been like with those extra brothers, and how she couldn't wait to be together with them in heaven.
then I told her about my brothers who hadn't made it. It's weird. I don't think that I've ever really been able to share those feelings with someone who understood and had the same kinds of questions. Growing up, we just didn't talk about it much. I'm sure I've told people about my missing brothers, but it was different, saying it to a girl who wondered the same things about her own life, who wished for those missing family members. It's not a deep wound or anything, but it felt good to just say it and know that she understood.
Some things are so different between generations. Some things will probably always be the same.

Peter in the Garden

So this isn't really a final draft, but I wanted to post it today, lest I don't have a chance over the rest of the weekend. Besides, it's Maudy Thursday so what better time?
It's a little long. But it's kind of hard to cram Peter into a poem. I think it would make a better monologue, since this actually sort of sounds like poetry slam or something. But it's what I got. It's what I've been thinking about, how faith can be so weak even as Jesus is accomplishing His greatest acts. I might have to write Peter part 2, since I love the account of him and Jesus on the beach frying fish. But there just wasn't room for it with this one.

The Last Night

In the upper room for Passover,
While we were busy clamoring,
The teacher stooped and washed our feet.
I didn’t understand then how much it would mean.
Instead I argued, like I always do,
hoping something I said would make him explain
and he told me unless I was washed, I had no part with him.
It still didn’t seem right.
And neither did it, when he told us he’d be betrayed by one of us.
I didn’t want to think it was me
And I felt a sense of relief, when he passed that dipped bread to Judas.
Then he shared the cup with us, and told us of future glory
In His Father’s kingdom
And something about his broken body and spilled blood.

On the walk to the garden he prophesied again
And he said we would all fall away
They would strike the shepherd and the sheep would scatter
And I knew I shouldn’t argue but I said it anyway
I wouldn’t. I never would.
Then he told me I’d deny him, even tonight before the rooster crows
But I still promised I would follow to the death

And I could see the darkening of his face in the fire we lit while we sang a hymn.
He took me and John and James further in
And then he walked away
For a while I watched, and I could hear Him crying
Begging for the cup to be passed
And I think then I realized tonight would be different than the last three years
Tonight, whether in glory or death, His kingdom would begin.
I fell asleep there and I don’t know why. I still wish I hadn’t.
When I saw him next his hair was wet
And I thought there was blood mixed in his sweat
But his face was set like flint there in the moonlight—
Resolve and duress in his eyes.

They came with swords and clubs
A detachment of soldiers, wielding their best weapons
And Judas there at the lead, lighting the way
He kissed the Rabbi’s cheek
And if I could have reached him then, I would have hit him
The men asked for Jesus, and he said “I am He” with such power
They retreated and fell on their faces.
And I held my breath, waiting for his power to be revealed.
But he let them seize him instead.
And I was the only one who drew a sword to protect him.
He just walked away with them
And I stayed behind with a sword in my hand.
We didn’t know where to go
So some of us followed behind
And now I wonder what made me afraid
How did I ever come to that place?
Holding on in such fear and weakness of faith
When I was the one who had walked on water
Why was my heart, always so quick to fight,
Suddenly frozen? My tongue, so quick to speak and
Silenced there by the fire outside the Sanhedrin.

a little girl and a slave, asked if I knew him
And I said I didn’t. When they asked again, I said no.
The third time I swore with curses, with my Galilean accent telling of the lie
Then a rooster crowed.
And I, the one who had sworn first to follow unto death,
Stood there and wept, swallowed up by grief and doubt.
But it felt then like the world had become dark
While he was with us we saw the light
Yet in that moment, from the time he had been taken away
All that I’d built my confidence in seemed to fade

When they put him on the cross, I could hardly see.
Amidst the earthquake and the darkness and the rain
I just thought about that rooster, how Jesus had never been wrong
How all the things He’d told us would one day come to pass
While I didn’t understand them, I understood that one thing.
I had betrayed Him.
The Living God, who possessed the words of eternal life. The one true and rightful king.
There would be no room now at his right hand,
No kingdom come for me.
And yet, I still believed.

Because with Jesus, nothing was ever as it seemed.
He’d told me the rooster would crow.
He’d told me we’d all be scattered.
But before that He’d promised not to leave us and he’d said not to be afraid.
So that night I remembered how he’d stood in the boat and calmed the waves
How he’d appeared to us like a ghost on the raging waters
And I’d walked out to him with my wavering faith.
And with that shard of hope, I thought
maybe tomorrow, he’d be among us again
Laughing at the wind.
Calling us his friends.

SO EXCITED

It always feels good to finish reading a good novel. Unless it was meant to be depressing, but I don't usually read that kind. I usually get kind of hyper when I finally read the last chapter, even if I'd read ahead and knew how it would finish. Because I like seeing how it all comes together.
There's a kind of euphoria you experience that's similar, when you write your own novel.
I've written a lot. I started in seventh grade on my dad's work laptop, and I haven't been able to stop. I was probably geek-ville, because I think, when I was tweleve, I'd written at least 3 70+ page novels. Not to mention the countless ones scribbled out in notebooks.
They were all stupid, but at age 12, they were pretty cool. My friends even liked them.
At age 20-something, it's still amazing to finish. I finish a lot less often. I've gone back and edited a lot. And, often, I leave a story knowing I'll have to come back and tweak it and change certain plot points. But it hasn't got enough steam at the time to keep me going.

Today I finished one that I've had in my head since ninth grade. I didn't even start writing it until maybe five years ago. It never came together quite right until the last year or so. I decided to revisit the half-finished manuscript. I then decided to redo it. I kept bits and pieces, but most of it got hacked.
The end result? Perhaps my most favorite story I've ever written. (As mentioned before, I've written many. More than 20 probably, although most of them are for teenage audiences so I don't know fi that counts). I can't even share the details since we're on the internet and someone would steal them.
There have been so many that needed work. That have just been a little under par. (over par? I don't play golf).
But this. This I feel I could market. It's amazing. I've always felt like it had more potential than the others. I think I'm just happy about the end, because it involves a cabin on the prairie and horses. And it ended a little differently than I planned it to. But doesn't everything?

Goodbyes

I said goodbye to two good friends this last week. One is a friend Kelly I'd met through a young adults group back before I had kids. We've stayed in touch and she had her own kid, got married, and we were enjoying the same Bible study the last two years. Her husband took a new job in Arizona and now they're on their way down there. She's lived here her whole life. I didn't expect her to ever move away, and now she doesn't think they'll ever move back to the area. I'll miss her a lot.
The other one was the young adult pastor and his family. They've been here basically since I got married, building up a little flock of young adults in the church and doing a lot of work with people in my age and phase of life. They decided to go and learn how to plant churches, and then go ahead and plant one somewhere in Iowa. (River Tree Project) They're excited. They knew God was moving them on. They knew God had plans in store for them. And, as a person who was never super close to them, but always appreciated everything they did, I just... didn't really want them to go.
It was sort of like how I felt when my brother and sister-in-law moved to the other end of the globe. You know it's what God wants for them. And you know that it's good and right. But it doesn't feel like that, when you're the one left behind.
I guess mostly because I don't really like change, when it's something I really like having that way. I wish that we didn't live off of change. That life weren't so static.
But, here we are. And I think this is a time of life when a lot of people my age are moving around and trying new things. There's that 7-year itch, when careers become kind of stale and people want to try something different. we're made for change.
But I really didn't want to say goodbye to either of my friends. And in those few moments that I had at their individual going-away parties, I had time to talk with them and realize it was probably the last conversation we'd have in a long time. Maybe ever. I know you can stay in touch through the internet and all of the great technology, but it isn't the same as week to week face to face contact. There's something about that that makes a different dynamic in a relationship.
I'm glad for the few moments I had with all of them to say goodbye. The pastor and his wife, and my friend Kelly. I can't wait til heaven when we can all visit with each other as much as we want and no one will go away, and no one will be too busy, and we can share our stories with each other.
Billy Sprague has a song called "Heaven is a Long Hello". I'm tired of saying goodbye to people. I can't wait for that long hello.

15 Years Ago

Everyone has these events in their life that shape their future and become that black thread in their tapestry. Some of them are really huge. Divorces, parents leaving, deaths, breakups. Some people have more than one. Some people probably have hundreds, linked up together with other ones, inseparable from the reds and blues and greens.
I don't have very many. And it sounds so trival when I talk about it. I know it isn't monumental, and I know it's really not "that big of a deal", but it took a long time to really get over it.
15 years ago, we were at a church where things went amuck. I can't really share all of the details because I don't feel like it. There were so many things happening behind the scenes. So many creepy dark spiritual things that I hate even remembering. And, many of the things were just simple church politics gone wrong.
Dad confronted the leadership, who, I think were a little self-serving and self-absorbed. Mostly just deceived. They asked him to leave the church. They called him the devil, and said that we were blaspheming the Holy spirit. Whatever that means.
I can't really explain it the way I should. I think, at age 15 I understood most of what was happening. But I can't explain it well. especially if you've never been injured by a church. It doesn't really make sense. It's like, you should just move on and find a better church, right?
But when people you trust, and love and spend so much of your life with, turn their backs on you, it's really hard to handle.
I had a guy friend back then. We weren't officially anything, mostly because he was two years younger than me and I was pretty good friends with his sister. we were close, though. He'd call me up and kind of try to argue about why we'd left. I didn't really have any good answers, I just knew it was right. And he stopped calling eventually and I didn't really see him again for a long time. I still miss him and wonder what might have happened if he'd stayed in touch.
When the people who are your spiritual leaders all forsake you, it leaves you kind of at a loss. My dad of course, was the biggest spiritual leader, and I followed him ultimately. but it did make me start to wonder if what I'd learned my whole life was even true. I had no idea how to filter out what was actually true and what was nonsense and lies and unbiblical.
So we left, and really, in the end, only one of my friends stayed friends with me. I wasn't really popular at school. By "wasn't really" I mean I had one actual friend who I even liked talking to and a couple of other geeks who I talked to a lot by default since we were always the losers. That left me my brothers (who are awesome), my best friend Bethany (whose parents are way more mature and wise than most of their peers and didn't get so wound up over some theological differences, and still let their daughter hang around me even though they probably actually didn't want to) and my internet friends. Primarily Brian who is still one of the most amazing people I know.
It was lonely. Wow, it was lonely.
And there was a lot of other crap going on. Creepy things. Some people would call it "spiritual warfare" or "spiritual attack". People left weird sidewalk graffiti outside of our house. Someone broke the window in our van (right outside my bedroom window). My sister got hit by a car. My mom had episodes where she couldn't breathe. There were nightmares. It was just creepy.
I was fifteen. i loved Jesus but at that point, that was all I knew. I hated church. I wanted to like it but I just didn't. We were visiting other places, trying to find a good fit. None of them fit. Not that our first church really did either. I'd never liked the youth group there. But I did like my Bible quiz team and my four friends, and now they were gone.
We visited a lot of churches. We were seriously considering one. Then my folks decided to try one of the other ones that they'd gone to without us a few weeks ago. We all went.
That day, I found light in my darkness. I found the best youth group I'd ever seen with people who were friendly and actually cared about spiritual things, and really let God live in their hearts. The pastor preached a REAL sermon. The music was great and engaging. They all seemed to like each other. After the service, the pastor walked among the people and talked with them like they were all his friends. And they were.
Fifteen years ago, the black thread in my tapestry had a bright yellow thread wound around it. And, there were years of scars to take care of ahead of me. But there, in that awesome youth room with blue and yellow ceiling tiles, and cheerful kids and good Bible teaching, I found home. And I'd never even known that I could be in a place so comfortable, so welcoming and so right.
It was streams in my desert. It was a feast set before me when I'd been eating dry bread. And it still is that way, 1,000 more people later. A husband, two kids, and hundreds of friends later. I love it there. And, God redeems and restores.