In This Lesser World

The Marriage of Joy and Sorrow

2012-01-28T17:46:00.000-06:00

3 years ago today was a glorious day! I finished the long journey of the worst pregnancy ever. I held that little baby in my arms and thanked God for bringing us through, for showing us His mercy once more and for the perfect gifts He gives.
Jayna Joy came, bringing victory and new beginnings.

And the joy I feel when I think about that day is so deep and real, because I've walked through on the other end, when the darkness and grief pull from every direction and linger in all of the closets and corners of my heart.

4 years ago was not a glorious day. It was a terrible day. I remember driving to the doctor and a stupid song I hated came on the radio called "Do it anyway" and I turned it off and I felt like crying. And that baby inside of me had already left and joined the chorus of angels in heaven.

And the days that followed brought out every emotion inside of me, all of the things I'd bottled up.
The weeks and months that came after that were so heavy and dark. So cold and lonely. It was a long winter, walking through the mire of guilt and loss and irrevocable pain. I've never been the same.

And I don't know how to seperate the two things, that joy and sorrow. Without the sorrow, the joy would mean so much less. It wouldn't carry with it all of the promises and hope that it does now. But without the joy, it seems the sorrow wouldn't lift. So maybe it's OK that they're married to each other. And every year, I have to remember them both. I don't want to ignore my baby Grace in hopes that the pain will go away.

I don't want the pain to leave, though. Because in so many ways, it's the only thing I have that lets me hold on to her.

I've loved Steven Curtis Chapman's song "Spring is Coming" since I first heard it. On his latest album, he wrote a sort of sequel to the original version, which he sings right after "Morning Has Broken", which I also love. I love God's hope. And I don't know what I'd do or where I'd be without it.

Spring Is Coming Reprise

The sky lost its sun and the world lost its green to lifeless brown
Now the chill in the wind has turned the Earth hard as stone
And silent the seed lies beneath ice and snow
And my heart’s heavy now, but I’m not letting go
Of this hope I have that tells me

(Chorus)
Spring is coming, Spring is coming
And all we’ve been hoping and longing for
Soon will appear
Spring is coming, Spring is coming
It won’t be long now
It’s just about here

Hear the birds start to sing
Feel the life in the breeze
Watch the ice melt away
The kids are coming out to play
Feel the sun on your skin
Growing strong and warm again
Watch the ground
There’s something moving
Something is breaking through
New life is breaking through

Repeat Chorus

Spring is coming (Out of these ashes beauty will rise)
Spring is coming (Sorrow will be turned to joy)
All we’ve been hoping and longing for (All we’ve hoped for)
Soon will appear (soon will appear)
Spring is coming (Out of the darkness beauty will shine)
Spring is coming (All Earth and Heaven rejoice)
It won’t be long now (Spring is coming soon)
It’s just about here (Spring is coming soon)

Bad Birthdays

2012-01-20T18:25:00.000-06:00

Every few years, a birthday comes that just simply sucks. No one remembers it. You don't have a cake. Or you get a terrible headache.
For my sweet sixteen, my friends planned a surprise party. I had sort of caught on, but I wasn't sure. I found out about it because my mom kept answering phone calls from people who were asking if it was still on, because of the snow storm. It was a really bad snow storm. we got more than a foot, i think. The party (and everything else in town) was cancelled. I laid in bed and cried, because my birthday was ruined. And really, no one (except my family) did anything to make up for it.
That was my worst birthday ever.
Until my thirtieth. Which was two weeks ago, and I still keep coming back to it, feeling disappointed. Maybe I just expect too much. My mom always makes them special, and she wasn't around, since she was at Mayo with my dad getting ready for his heart surgery. She's off the hook. But anyway, I guess it come sback to expectations, and should a grown woman really think that she shouldn't have to make supper or do anything she doesn't want to one day a year? I'd just spent two weeks with the "holidays" which were busier than usual. And then everyone went back to work, and my birthday was pretty much an afterthought. If a thought at all.
No presents. No cake. Just a bunch of people on facebook who never bother to talk to me any other day of the year saying "Happy Birthday" (and others who do talk with me regularily as well). It's supposed to be a milestone to turn thirty.
It came on a brown warm day in the middle of the week, with a migraine and a depressed feeling all day. I called Daniel at five and asked him to come home, and then I went and laid in bed and tried to make my headache go away. And cried.
I shouldn't complain, because some people did call. Some people did what they'd normally do. My best friend called first thing in the morning. My brother called and sang the stupid "You look like a monkey" song. Later he brought some left over cake he'd made for supper. A cuople of other friends called too, and I don't like talking on the phone a lot, but I like it when people remember I exist once in a while. And my brother and sister in law took me out for lunch. So it wasn't terrible.
It was just... just like any other normal, or slightly bad, day. And in my mind, birthdays aren't supposed to be like that.
But, for all of the bad birthdays, there have been several good ones too. Like my thirteenth, which was probably my favorite. Three of my favorite girlfriends came over. We went and saw Little Women in the theater (which has become one of my favorite movies), and stayed up all night talking. And then we went sledding the next morning.
And my nineteenth, when pretty much all of the people I liked came over to go sledding (yes, there is a theme here. It pretty much always snows by my birthday) and they brought presents, and we came back to the house and had cake.Plus, I'd just gotten engaged so everything that happened that year was great.
I think on my seventh birthday, my friend Stasia stayed the night, and then she had to stay at least one more day, because the whole driveway got iced over and we lived in the country so the drifts were too big. We thought that was pretty great.
And since it seems to be a pattern of prime numbers being great birthdays, I'll just mention, my third birthday was pretty great too. I had a ducky cake, and my grandma came. She gave me a red "Going to Grandma's" suitcase which I still have. I also got from someone, this really cool birthday cake puzzle, which I still have and is still one of the best toys I ever owned.
So they aren't all terrible by any meals. Maybe 31 will be the best yet. I guess I can wait a year and find out.

Winter!

2012-01-12T11:10:00.000-06:00

Facebook is abuzz with stupid statuses about the weather. Mostly people wishing it weren't so cold, or trying to sound like they aren't complaining, but they are. It's been a VERY warm winter around here, and these Texas transplants are getting spoiled.
A handful of us are pretty excited about the snow that came in the night. Me being included in that rank. I love it. It brings out the best of me. I love the white haze that comes from the sunlight deflecting through it all. I love the wind making it stay in the air longer and tossing it all over so it looks like a snow globe out the window. I love making footprints and snow angels, and watching the little girls' get rosy cheeks, and pulling them in the sled and living out their wonder. I love mittens and hats and puffy coats and snowpants and boots. And I love being warm inside, watching the white gather around me.
I'm thankful for the warmth here at home (and I will be spending my afternoon taping shrink wrap over the windows, thank you very much 1946), and that I get to be a stay at home mom and enjoy these days with my kids, rather than trudging out into the cold only to go to work. It's great. Everything about today is great. Warm tea and hot chocolate and now the kids are upstairs watching Curious George plays in Snow while I think about cleaning the house.
I don't have anywhere to go today.
And if more days were like today, I would probably be content. Maybe we should move further north. Probably I'd be sick of snow if we lived anywhere but here. I like having tastes of bitter cold Alaska weather, and mostly just enjoying fairly moderate seasons.
SOmetimes I have days like this, when things go so well, and the weather is so right, and I feel this deep sense of gratitude. Like things just couldn't get any better than they are in this moment. And I just have to say "Thank you".

I Blame it on National Geographic

2012-01-09T17:01:00.000-06:00

I've had wanderlust lately.
Going three hours away to Rochester doesn't count as a "vacation" or a trip.
we love to travel and see places, but it's gotten a little more complicated with the kids. I love going all over and seeing new things and landmarks and eating at restaurants and staying in hotels. I like camping and being adventurous and meeting people in other states. I'm glad I've gotten to do it a lot in the last ten years. My family never went anywhere except Montana.
Sometimes though, I see pictures of faraway places, or talk with people who have traveled overseas. I hear abou tfoods they tried and the languages, and riding trains and crazy taxi cab drivers and unbelievable scenery, and I feel sort of sad inside. Because I'll never be a world traveler. I've never left this continent. It shouldn't make me sad, because most people really don't travel far from home.
I blame National Geographic.
My grandpa has been a subscriber since the before the 40's. He has shelves of archives, full of beautiful pictures and scenery and people that only the privilidged photographers have seen. We had a gift subscription of NG when I was a kid, and I'd wait for each issue and then I'd devour it. Even before i could read, I would sit and look them through, page by page, wondering what kinds of places the pictures were taken in, what kind of lives those people lived. And I find myself still doing that today.
Wondering. Wishing. Trying to be content in this 800-square-foot box in the "OK" part of town where cooking and cleaning and supervising preschoolers is all I really do.
Hoping for some day when I'll actually see the ocean.

Mayo

2012-01-06T17:01:00.000-06:00

I've been up at the Mayo clinic in Minnesota for the last day and a half. Dad had a scheduled heart surgery taking place. He has had a bad valve in one of his arteries for his whole life and it's slowly gotten worse at working. It's sort of a long story, but yesterday was the "Big Day". The surgeon replaced the bad valve and the surgery went well. He's recovering now, and will stay here for a few more days. He's hooked up to electric leads and IV"s and other tubes.
We sat around a lot yesterday. My brothers, my sister-in-law and my cousin Becky. We sat with my mom and waited for news. Waited to get moved to different places around the hsopital. Waited for the all clear. Open heart surgery is a big deal. But it didn't really hit me until afterwards. That was when I realized they'd pried open his chest and sliced his heart and put in a replacement part. It's an amazing thing. It's remarkable.
And if one finger had slipped, if one machine had failed to do its job, if one person had sneezed at the wrong time... the story could have ended differently. I am so very thankful that everything went so well. He's recovering so quickly too. I'm praising God. I'm thanking you all for prayers (if you prayed), and I'm praying that we never have to do anything like that again.
I'm staying the night here again, and my little family will be joining me pretty soon. I like the peace and quiet here now. And i like the Mayo clinic. They're pretty freaking amazing. Makes all of the other hospitals I've been in look podunk and unorganized. which isn't true. But this place is so much cooler.
I guess that's all I have to say on this matter.

My Dad's Heart

2012-01-06T16:54:00.000-06:00

Thoughts after seeing my dad fresh from open heart surgery

My Dad’s Heart

He laid alone on the sterile table

Those strong hands that carried me

And tucked me into bed at night

That folded in prayer

And fixed the broken things

now filled with tubes

weakened and tired

His ruddy face yellow and pale

The smile faded into a quiet stare

Those twinkling eyes barely able to open.

They said they fixed his heart

But what they don’t know

Is that heart never needed a thing

Because in all my life

No man has had a better heart

One that holds the Lord in high esteem

And cares about those things so many overlook

That holds more passion in these latter years

Than it did in its youthful days of protests and social turmoil

A heart which beats in its steady way

Leading those around him

Full of life.

And in these days that follow

The surgeon’s knife

It will repair and grow stronger

Never the same

Except for the soul that beats behind

The flesh and bones of mortal energy

Which does not fade or change

As the years go by.

Caucuses

2012-01-03T12:53:00.000-06:00

I am planning on going tonight. It's not really like voting. You sit around and discuss with your neighbors and then you raise your hand to cast your vote. I like it like that.Unfortunately, I'm not super sold on any candidate, but why would I ever be super sold on a dude (or chick) who thinks they can fix the world themselves? Just sayin.

From Alice in Wonderland:

`What IS a Caucus-race?' said Alice; not that she wanted much to know, but the Dodo had paused as if it thought that SOMEBODY ought to speak, and no one else seemed inclined to say anything.
`Why,' said the Dodo, `the best way to explain it is to do it.' (And, as you might like to try the thing yourself, some winter day, I will tell you how the Dodo managed it.)
First it marked out a race-course, in a sort of circle, (`the exact shape doesn't matter,' it said,) and then all the party were placed along the course, here and there. There was no `One, two, three, and away,' but they began running when they liked, and left off when they liked, so that it was not easy to know when the race was over. However, when they had been running half an hour or so, and were quite dry again, the Dodo suddenly called out `The race is over!' and they all crowded round it, panting, and asking, `But who has won?'
This question the Dodo could not answer without a great deal of thought, and it sat for a long time with one finger pressed upon its forehead (the position in which you usually see Shakespeare, in the pictures of him), while the rest waited in silence. At last the Dodo said, `EVERYBODY has won, and all must have prizes.'

2011 Bests

2011-12-31T14:32:00.000-06:00

I just haven't had a lot of time this year over Christmas break to do things I wanted. (Aside from shopping and I usually hate shopping). I don't have a lot of time right now, but I will attempt to reflect on 2011 briefly, while the kids are napping before we take off for our New Year's party at a friend's house.

What a dumb number 2011 is. Seriously. I've never liked it. It's hard to say and boring to write, and I just don't like it. 2012 will be much more fun.
This year was long, and actually, just like the number itself, it was pretty boring. I did not write a newsletter because I don't think people care to hear about the boringness of the stay-at-home mom life. Thus, I wll not do it here either. If you realy care, I could probably tell you. But, let's move on to more interesting things.

We did travel every other weekend this summer. In May we went on a long vacation driving across the gulf, because I've never been there. Daniel was sick for part of it with food poisining, and we ended up being awake with puking kids for half of the nights. Other than that, it was really fun. We visited relatives in Texas, which was great. I've never spent a lot of time in Texas, but I enjoyed the 90 degree days when Iowa had only been up to 45 at that point.
In June we went to a wedding. In July we went to Montana (amazing, as always). In August my sister got married in Nashville, and in October my brother got married here in town.

I didn't make a lot of time for reading this year, because I found it more interesting and engaging to work on my own writing projects. But I did read a little. Also, I was recently lamenting the fact that we just can't make it out to the movies as often because it involves a babysitter now. But I saw some movies. So, I know you're all dying to know. Here is my list of bests from the year:

Movie Captain America by far. I love that he was a true hero and was willing to sacrifice his life for the good of others. I liked the story line and how it all fit together and didn't leave us with unanswered questions. Mostly I just liked the action and the time period.
Book Excluding comics, I think the best book I read was The Peacemakers by Jack Cavenaugh. That is mostly because I haven't read very many this year, and this made a good story. It's part of a series about a family, book one being about the Pilgrims, and every successive book follows the next generation with a military story. This one took place during the Vietnam war, and told about the son who was fighting over there, and the daughter, who joined the anti-war movement at her California college. I really enjoyed it.
Second place is The Last Song by Nicolas Sparks. And I'm almost ashamed to admit it... I don't usually read best sellers because I have this thing about drones and masses, but I needed something light to read over the summer and I was curious what made everyone like Sparksey so much. It's maybe a little trite story about a teenage summer romance, but I'm sort of a sucker for that kind of thing. I still haven't watched the movie. And I'm probably more of a Nicolas Sparks fan than I would EVER publicly share. So don't tell my secret, OK?

CD Steven Curtis Chapman wins again! We picked up Re:Creation a few months ago, an unplugged album with some of his hits and several new songs. LOVED it. It's sort of like a sequel to the last album, with a hopeful tone and cheerful music to match. I especially like the "Morning Has Broken" rendition he did with his sons.

TV Show Once again, this is not the most current information. We watched Human Target this year, and stupid Fox has cancelled it, so it will just be a two-season slamer. It's about an assassin turned bodyguard who picks up different clients and stays sort of under the radar with his work.
We also started watching The Middle which I think is a really funny show, probably because I relate with the middle-class, midwest family life and how it sort of satirize it by making her and her kids a little more weird and over the top than average. And number 3 is a Canadian show called Hiccups which is about a children's book author who has anger management problems, and her life coach. She is his only client, and he's actually pretty lame at his job. BUt that's what makes it funny. It's a little dry, but I enjoy that kind of humor.It's made by Brent Butt, who wrote Corner gas, another Canadian sit-com. Why do I like Canadian TV? Pathetic.

Bible Verse It's sort of hard to narrow it down to one verse. My small group went through a book on Acts earlier this year. Right as we started it, the pastor at church started a series that just finished. Then, half way through the year, my Bible study group began their intense look at the book. I guess maybe God wanted me to learn something from the book of Acts. And it's been amazing to see it in a new light. Acts 8:27-40 tells a story about Philip and this Ehtiopian Eunich. Philip is seeing amazing things happen in Jeruseleam with his friends, and all of a sudden God says "Go take this desert road away from here". So he does, and leaves all of the action where it is and walks into the middle of nothing. But there's a man in a chariot reading the scriptures, and when Philip sees what he's reading, he asks him, "Do you know what this means?" And the eunich says "how am I supposed to know this if there's no one to explain it?" So Philip rides with him and tells him all about Jesus.
I like the account, because it reminds me that 1) God doesn't always want us in the middle of action where great things are happening 2) Sometimes the place God wants me to be is in the middle of the desert with one single person, walking with them and showing them what God's word means 3) God cares about individuals, enough to send a single man out of his way to share with one single man.

I could write more, but I think I need to go and be productive. we have to wrap presents for the other side of the family today because tomorrow will be "Christmas" with the whole clan! Happy New Year. I hope your year is full of good things, of godly influiences, and glimpses of Him and His glory!

k

We are Who We Are

2011-12-30T18:01:00.000-06:00

We finished (survived) Christmas with my family. It was actually really fun. We've been hanging around, playing games and watching lots of movies. We go home at night with the kids and come back when we please, which has worked out pretty darn well this time around. It's nice to be able to get away. Because I love them, but sometimes... the bickering gets a little crazy.
There's this underlying amount of stress in my family right now. My dad's going to have heart surgery next week and it's kind of a big deal. So I think that everyone's a little bothered by that. And, we never all get along really great, because we're siblings and that's how it goes.
This year my brother and sister had spouses to help keep them in line, which was great. But sometimes I wonder what those new people think of our family. It's different for Daniel, because he's basically been around forever. My sister was like seven when he first met me, so he's watched them all grow up. And he was a teenager himself when he started hanging around.
These new in-laws haven't been around us very much. And I wonder if they're a little uneasy with all of the bickering and craziness that comes with all of us being together. I know they have families that have their own things. But the thing about my family is you know what's going on with relationships and feelings. You almost always do. Because we say what we feel. We show what we're thinking. Most of the time. We just are who we are with each other. And a lot of times that ends up being something everyone gets to see. I guess that's what makes a family what it is.
So hopefully no one got scared away this year. i for one enjoyed all of us being together and playing games and eating. And I can't wait until next time.

Traditions

2011-12-14T14:55:00.000-06:00

[Disclaimer: This post probably sounds pompus. I do not mean for it to. And I have no problem with people doing their own traditions, whatever they might be. so don't take this the wrong way. It's just about me and my preferences and opinions. And we all know I'm overly opinionated. Please don't be offended!]

There's always a lot of talk about traditions at this time of year. I'm just going to come out with it and say I don't like them.

I do sort of feel like a bad mom when people share these special meaningful things they do at Christmastime, because I don't do a lot of them. My family didn't do a lot of traditions, and I can't actually think of something we did every year, execept for getting a tree and decorating it. Otherwise it was always something different. And I'm OK with it.Realizing that many people hold traditions dearly, I can't really push my opinions off on people. but I've held this in all month, so I just have to get it off my chest. Don't feel like I'm attacking. This is just my personal preference. And honestly, it doesn't even always go the way I want to in this family, because i have a husband who thinks traditions are just IT.

Here's a list of things I don't want to become traditions for us:

1) Caroling. Humiliating.
2) Baking cookies. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, that's what the store is for.
3) Sitting around the Christmastree and reading the Christmas story. I think the kids ought to hear it before Christmas, or else it's too late to distract them from all of the presents.
4) Decorations. I like decorating, but I'm just as happy not to. And I'm OK with switching them out all the time.
5) Presents. I think that we might have some years where we don't do the classic shop around for Christmas and make lists and things. Some year maybe we'll just go on a trip together, or maybe we'll make all of our presents. Or maybe we'll only give presents away and not get any. I don't feel like it's essential to celebrating.
6) Family newsletter. Let's be honest. Sometimes, there just isn't anything interesting to share.
7) Music. AUUUUGH. If you know me much, you know I'm just not a fan of the same old songs that get sung every year. Certain carols, I don't mind hearing once or twice or singing in church. But. I do not want to hear yet another rendition of the SAME song.
8) Birthday party for Jesus. Not to be a jerk or downplay what other families do. We don't call it a birthday because to me it seems trivial. We haven't quite hashed that all out, but I don't like the phrase "birthday". Because Jesus existed in all of eternity. His coming to earth, becoming a person, wasn't so small as a birthday. The entire universe hinged on that moment in time when Jesus became a man. For kids a birthday is sort of an egocentric day in which they're spoiled and get everything they want. Jesus's coming was the opposite. He gave up all of the things that He had and came into the world in a barn with animals. I don't want my kids to mistake His sacrifice for a party. And maybe kids don't understand all of the theology completely, but I think that they get more than we give them credit for.

Now here are some things that I DO want to be part of every Christmas.

1) Snow. (even though I don't get a lot of say in this).
2) Family. Because I love them.
3) lights. I enjoy looking at tacky Christmas lights displayed in town. It's sort of fun. Right now the kids love it too.
4) Music. I'm talking the good kind. Real music. New words, new melodies, timeless truths put to art.
5) Giving. There are so many opportunities that only come at Christmastime. So we take advantage of them.
6) Jesus. Even though we aren't going to make a birthday cake or hide the baby Jesus from the manger scene or open a present for him or anything like that, I want to take time to remember, to reflect on what it means that God became a man. That now he relates with us and understands temptation and fear and pain and suffering. I want to focus on "Immanuel" every year and what "God with us" truly means.He's the reason the angels said "Peace on Earth, Good will to everyone!"

So. That's that. What traditions do you love to do? What ones do you hate? (Hopefully you don't hate me now for undoing traditions!)

The Weight of the [Lesser] World

2011-12-13T21:57:00.000-06:00

Some days I end the night with a heavy weight resting on me, knowing that I can't save the universe. That I can't even start. It bothers me and it irritates me and occasionally motivates me to action. But what bothers me the most is that most of the time, I just don't think about all of the broken people. I don't hurt for them much and I try my best not to think about it.
Tonight we went on a little hike down to a nearby town to deliver gifts to the family of an incracarated father through the Angel Tree program.
I hurt. They lived in a little trailer in the middle of nothing. Everything was run down and tired-looking, even their little white Christmas tree with an angel on top who was heavier than the whole tree.
There were four boys there with sad solemn faces who didn't talk a whole lot. And a mom who did talk a whole lot. And I got the feeling she appreciated the hand-out.
I didn't do a good job at listening to the Holy Spirit. I should have said more than I did. And now I'm thinking back, seeing all of the opportunities I missed to just say what I believe is the only way to really change their circumstances. They needed to know about Jesus. I think they wanted to know about Jesus. And I think they will find more out. But I wish I'd just said more.
I hope that they come to church for Christmas like we invited them to. I hope that I can find a church that is close enough for them to want to go to.
But i hope that next time, I say more than I did.
Because the world is so dark and broken and tired, like their little house. And the light that we have should be brighter than just some presents at Christmas.

Writing

2011-12-06T14:30:00.000-06:00

More boring stuff about my writing.
I started a series back in May. I wasn't planning for it to be one, but I couldn't just leave it where it ended. I never can. I seriously never can.
Anyway. It started as a dream I had, and then I just went to work writing it. It turned out to be a pretty cool story.
The next one I started about two months ago. It's actually a spin-off because the main character from the first one becomes the new main character's roommate in the second one. So we still get to be updated about her life, but the story's about the roommate this time.
I really love it.
I loved the first one and I wrote it all in record time. This one was a little more of a labor of love, but I still wrote it pretty quickly. And I really really like how it turned out. It'll need editing. Lots of editing. But it's a story about an artist in Chicago, and I guess it just turned out even better than I thought it would. It went nothing like I planned, and that was OK too.
Now, though, now that I'm finished, I have this let down feeling. Am I really finished with it? I sort of want to write more. And yet it's just complete and I don't have to write anything else. I'm planning the third one, which will be another spinoff with another girl. But I"m still not quite sure who I want to use as the main character and what significant thing she'll do.
I don't want to be done writing this one. Usually I feel a sense of accomplishment and peace. But I don't this time. Maybe it's because I sort of want her life. Or maybe I just want to keep writing. Becuase the end of that one left a lot of open doors.
Whatever.
This is why I need more writer friends. Because it doesn't make a lot of sense to people who don't write stories. Most of the writer-friends I've had have moved on and we talk sometimes but not on a regular basis. And I just want someone who gets it. Sometimes. Not someone who will listen to the story (which I also love talking about), but someone who knows what it feels like to type out that last word and close the document that's been up on your computer for the last however-long. Someone who misses their characters and puts herself to sleep planning the rest of the story.
Maybe some day I'll be famous and I'll run in circles with other people who write novels for a living. I don't know. For now, I just sit around and type a lot.

CHOCOLATE

2011-12-01T13:12:00.000-06:00

I'm pretty sure there isn't enough chocolate in the world to make me feel better today.
I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I don't want to do anything. everything and everyone annoys me. Although, in all seriousness, I think anyone would be annoyed with the Wal-Mart worker who insisted on walking in the middle of the parking lot aisle, and then turned around and gave me a dirty look for waiting behind him. He was wide. There was not enough room for my car to get by and I think it would have been more rude to pass him anyway.
Then he took three carts from the cart corral and left the rest of them there. I don't even know why he came out there.
Anyway. That was a tangent. This whole post is a tangent because I'm in a bad mood and I just feel like venting a little bit. Sort of reminds me of high school.
I miss my friend Twan. We used to write each other notes and pass them between classes, and that was my opportunity to vent about stupid teachers. Then we eventually made notebooks for ourselves that we could write all of our peeves and annoyances down in. It's actually kind of helpful. Maybe not. Maybe it just made us focus on bad things more.
I'm pretty sure my bad mood is because I really wanted to be pregnant, and I'm not. So while I'm hormonal anyway, it just makes it worse.
Maybe it's Christmas time that puts me in a bad mood. I don't like it when everyone is happy just becuase it's Christmas. Seriously. It doesn't make sense to me. That isn't a good enough reason. If you want to be hapy and content, that's fine. But it shouldn't just be because people are ringing bells and putting lights up.
I'm grouchy. Call me the Grinch. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-27T13:59:00.000-06:00

I haven't really been home for more than one or two waking hours at a time for the last 3 days, so I'm just now getting around to this. But, I had a great holiday even though it was exhausting and my house is a wreck. I always wish there were more time to spend with relatives.

But that isn't what I'm writing for. This is a small list of things I’m thankful for this year:

That I don’t have to cook Thanksgiving dinner. Or really cook anything.

That my siblings got married and that they married good people who help complete them.

For the family in every way. I love them all.

For my little Baby doll, JJ, who keeps me humble. If I ever thought I was a good parent, she’d put me in my place. She’s sweet and surprising and full of hilarious things to say, and snuggles to give.

And for Arlo, my intelligent, kind daughter who loves people in ways I didn't know a kid could, and who wants to learn about everything, especially history. What more could a mom-teacher want?

For my friends, the long-time ones and the new ones and all of the people in between who have walked beside me through the places I didn’t want to go and the places I did.

For my parents and their constant presence in my life and the way they always offer their house for me to host stuff because mine isn’t big enough. For their good health.

And for God’s patient ways that put up with all of the muck and mire in my life that always gets in the way of us, and that He’s willing to clean it up no matter how many times I screw up.

Starving Artist

2011-11-16T12:45:00.000-06:00

The other night I went to a party with some people from our group at church. I got to talking with the "mentor" women, who are in in their late 40's with teenage/college aged kids. We were at Stephanie's house, so I asked about the art. Her parents own a gallery or something so she had a fairly significant collection of original paintings, none of which were "very valuable". But all the same, I envied her.
Then something happened that i don't think has ever happened before. We started talking about art and our love of art, and the other woman Sandy, asked "What's your favorite medium?" And I didn't even know what to say, because I've hardly done anything. I like using pencils a lot, but I liked painting. And I've never even used oil paints. So I told her that. And then one of them asked what kind of art I like best.
I've never had a conversation like that. And as I've thought about it since that day, I've realized it's a little bit of a hole in my life. Because I love art. It draws out a big part of myself when I see well-done paintings. I'm not a scoffer when I see modern art. I like to try and derive meaning from it, thinking about the artist and what place they came from. It evokes a strong response from me every time I have a chance to look at art.
Which is pretty much never, save the paintings at the dentists office or wherever.
Well-done art is scarse. In Iowa... I'm just going to say there's a big void. I know some artists. I've talked with some.It just isn't as big of a part of life here as it could be. Maybe that's true everywhere. I've never lived anywhere else. And maybe I don't pursue the opportunities I have when I should.
But I noticed a sort of starved feeling when I was at my brother's wedding reception at a gallery, and I wanted to spend the whole time looking at paintings rather than visiting with friends and family.
When I'm in a gallery (which is, again, never), I drink it in. It feels like there isn't enough time to really spend enjoying all of the art, and I know I'll miss something I would have liked to see.
I'm starved from art, and it's making me a little bit sad inside, realizing that I've neglected that part of me that makes me more alive. No longer. I'm going to do something about this.
And, i'm going to make sure my kids are well-cultured in the art arena too. If it's the last. thing. I. do.

God is Working

2011-11-15T23:32:00.000-06:00

This might be an overly religious post. Fair warning.
Tonight started with me and my friends in Bible study, talking about things that make us insecure (We're reading a book called "So Long Insecurity") and what triggers insecurity. We talked about sensitivity and how it affects us. And we had some good conversation.
On the drive home, I thought to myself, "In my stories, I have these cool characters that say these nice insightful things about God at the right time. Why don't I ever do that? Why don't I just say what I'm thinking?"
I've realized in the last few weeks that part of the reason I don't say things when I want to is that I haven't been as sensitive to the Holy Spirit's work as I should be. Because I do believe he helps us find words to say and tells us when to speak. But I haven't really wanted to listen to that.
Part of it is because I used to have a really big mouth, and mostly I used it to be sarcastic and cutting. It was funny, and I sort of miss those days. But, in trying to reign that in, I probably squelched some things I shouldn't have too.
Anyway, I had that thought.
I went home and checked facebook. One of my friends quoted a Papa Roach song about suicide. At first I didn't think anything about it. Then i wondered if he was actually thinking about it.
Then a second friend messaged me that she was on the phone with him trying to find out how he was doing. I prayed. I prayed hard for him. Then I called Daniel down and he prayed too. This is a guy we've both known for a long time, but not very well. Eventually Daniel met the guy at Perkins to talk.
THen I called another friend to tell her that Daniel couldn't help her with her "technical question" that night but he'd try to call tomorrow. We got off topic (which is good, since we were talking abotu fixing toilets), and she basically ended up telling me her whole faith story. Which was great, because I've also known her for a long time. I mean almost fifteen years. And in that time, I've been praying and trying to be helpful and watching her slide up and down and all around in where she stood with God. Tonight, there weren't any questions left. She knows Him. She really believes that He exsists, that He's working in her life, that He's taking care of her, and that she can trust Him. And that is a big deal. If you knew her, you would understand. It's a really big deal.
I was so encoruaged to talk to her. And, I had the chance to say the things I was thinking, like I'd just been telling myself to do on the drive home.
I think I'm going to make that a more regular practice.
Because I like seeing Him work and change lives and answer prayers. It assures me that He's there. It doesn't always feel like He is. But sometimes it just does.

I feel like talking about myself

2011-11-07T21:17:00.000-06:00

Why would I have a blog if I couldn't use it once in a while for some narcissisticreflections, right? No one's making you read it.

Here's the news from my pretty boring life. I've been spending a lot of time writing. I'm working on a sequel to this book I wrote in about a month's time. The sequel isn't coming along quite as easily. I wish that it were because I like the story and i think it will turn out well, but I just finished reading through the 172 pages and trying to tighten it up and wasn't so successful. But whatever. I'm already thinking about the third book. Which could be a problem.

I've also been thinking about how much unhealthy food I eat, and how I really shoudl change that. It goes in spurts where I try my darndest to do it right, and then I get sick of it and eat a whole lot of things that aren't good for me. I like sugar. I can't help it. So now I'm considering this idea about taking out most of the refined sugars and flours in the diet and focusing more on protien. Because I feel tired all the time and the doctor keeps saying everything's OK but I sort of think something isn't. Long story.

Tonight I met with my preschool moms group for an "outing" at the pub down the road from me. We had a really great time. We talked a lot about health foods and natural living and gardening and meat and stuff like that. I felt really smart, having grown up in Iowa and being pretty familiar with the natural living I was raised on. A lot of the gals grew up in big cities so things like... canning is just foreign to them.

I'm feeling antsy for the "next" thing in my life too. I know i shouldn't be, but I'm restless. I want to get finished having babies and go on to school age, and live in a bigger house and have a garden in the country and stop worrying about neighbors. And it seems like everyone around me is having their next baby and moving to better houses, but I'm stuck. And I know it shouldn't feel that way and I want to be content. And most of the time I really am. But lately I just want to DO something different. It might be a long winter if this feeling doesn't go away.

There you have it. I could keep going but i guses I have nothing more to say. And I'd rather be working on my story anyway. This was the most boring post ever. Hopefully no one read it.

Haunted

2011-11-07T13:47:00.000-06:00

Lately I haven't been able to stop thinking about my best friend from high school. We aren't friends anymore, and I'm actually too dense to really know why, although I have an idea.
But it's sort of overwhelming once in a while, when those memories come up. Because they're more just like feelings. It's one of those subjects that hurts too much to really write well about, but i want to anyway, and I can't stop thinking about her. I've been praying because sometimes those un-erasable thoughts are actually something else, something spiritual that needs to be addressed. I don't know if that's true in this case but I've prayed anyway. Sometimes when a relationship ends yuo know it's over. Sometimes you know it's not. Sometimes you're just left to wonder.

I never thought I’d lose you

I never knew I could

All of those walks through the halls

And afternoon locker meetings

The notes and the secrets,

The songs and the feelings

Torn apart now like a shredded photograph

Me reaching, you hiding

Anger and pain slipping in between

All our insecurities, what we once called trust.

In my dreams I see you often

And we aren’t enemies.

You know how sorry I am

You know the real me.

And we walk off together like old friends should

Entwined by memories

Love stronger than friendship, unbroken by time

Lost in those fragile moments.

If I’d known then what I know now

I wouldn’t have said I hated pink.

I would have given you a chance to speak

And listened without judgment

Why is it so hard to forget about those days

When we were still friends

I’d like to think that you’re the one who changed

But I think you know we both did

I just can’t stop rewriting the end.

If I could do it over

I would a hundred times

But you’d tell me how you felt

And I’d know what to say

And somewhere in the middle we’d find a way

Or some common ground.

Instead of all the hiding and facades

and maybe we wouldn't both be so empty today.

Passive Agression

2011-11-04T15:22:00.000-05:00

I'm discovering that I'm the kind of person who can't stand passive aggressiveness. I don't like it when people puddle up their anger or hurt or whatever and don't bother to mention it for weeks or months or years. I'm not woman enough to read the signs. I can't tell when you're upset unless you TELL me.
I think I lost my best friend that way. She never said it, but I guess she was mad for a while.
And then I get in my head that maybe someone is upset about something and they aren't telling me. And that worries me even more, because then i'm afraid that, in their mind, everything I do is evil, and everything I've said has been another bullet against their chest, another stab to try to fix, and all the while I had no idea.
I obsess about it and worry and when i finally confront it I worry even more. Because no one likes to be the one opening the can of worms. But it seems like someone has to, and I'm not really afraid of fighting. At least not usually.
I mean, I understand. You're hurt. you don't think you can share it. Because when you're hurt you're vulnerable and the last thing you want to do is go with an open heart to the person who stabbed you and try to work it out.I get it. I've been there.
But you know what? That's how friendships work. It's how conflict gets solved. Not talking really just makes it all worse.
If you're reading this and thinking, "Oh, is that how she feels about me?" chances are, no. I don't. I just felt like venting that out, because of certain situations in my life right now which involve none of my blog-readers (at least not the ones I know of. I'm aware there are stalkers, but I can't be resonsible for keeping everyone happy, can I?)
I wish it didn't have to be so hard to live and be in community. But, if you have a biff with me, you should probably write me an email or call me or something. Because being angry and not saying something is like refusing to get a job when you're broke. No good. I'm tough. I can handle it. I don't want to be hurtful or mean, I promise. I'll respond the way you want, with copius apologies for my behavior or for being misunderstood. I'll probably even get you chocolate or something just to be sure you know how sorry I am.
Just don't be passive aggressive, okay?

Not Everyone at church is a Christian

2011-11-01T13:08:00.004-05:00

Is that a news flash? I mean, it seems kind of obvious. But what Id in't know when I was younger was that not everyone who ACTS like a Christian is actually a Christian either. They come to church and they do all of the right things and go through all of the motions, but they haven't really been able to surrender to Christ for whatever reason. It doesn't make them bad or terrible, please don't think that's what I'm talking about here. What I'm thinking about is my own past and one of the only big regrets I have.

I had several friends who fell into this category. I don't know where their hearts were when I knew them, maybe they were sincere then and just wandered away later. But one friend actually told me that she'd been faking. I'll call her Jane. She was there every Sunday. Every Wednesday. She was in the choir. She went on the retreats. she went to Mexico with us. She wasn't afraid to talk about God. And I never had any reason to question her sincerity.
But then she told me, ten years later, that she'd just wanted somewhere to belong, and the Christian kids seemed nice enough so that was what she did. It never really meant anything to her. It never sunk into her heart.
And it makes me sad that I was (probably still am) so dense. That I couldn't see that creeping sadness in her eyes, notice the brokenness in her stories, read in between the lines and see what she was trying to tell me all along.
And I think, a lot of people come to church because they're hurt and they want to feel safe. But sometimes maybe that comes with the cost of disguising the wounds and just trying to fit in. I think that's true for people who know Christ and people who don't. Church shouldn't be a scary unsafe place, but some how since we're all hiding our wounds, it becomes like that unintentionally. And that's a tangent.

So I'm sort of left wonder what I'm supposed to do now that I know the truth, that some of those hurting friends of mine actually just haven't come to "saving faith" as it were. I mean, we're not supposed to "judge", and I don't think we should go around questioning peoples' salvation. So I don't really know what to do with it. Because I don't want to be a well-intentioned jerk who thinks that I'm "encouraging the brotherhood" but really I'm just saying things that don't mean anything t oa person who's faith isn't quite where I thought it was. I think I lost my best friend that way. I thought I was giving her a little push to follow things she'd claimed to believe, but I think in her heart all she heard from me was "You aren't actually good enough and you have to do this to be". Which was not my intention. And I never would have said anything to her if I'd known she didn't truly know God. Because really I would have been OK with it. I would have still loved her the same. I wish people would feel like they can be honest with me.

Lingering questions haunt me because of that relationship, and the other one with Jane. Is it safe to assume that everyone I go to church with understands the gospel? Obviously not. I just don't quite know where to draw the line between judging and helping and discerning. Maybe if i knew God better, it would be easier to pick up on those cries for help. Or maybe I'm just not supposed to really concern myself with it, and just do what I would have done anyway. But it sure sucks losing friends.

Inside on the Outside (and a slew of parentheticals for your reading enjoyment)

2011-10-10T21:01:00.004-05:00

Here's something I've been thinking about lately. How we get left out.
It's been a lifelong struggle for me. Brian used to say "Accepted but not included", and that's usually how I feel. I had a good friend in high school, one who was even in my wedding.
On her birthday, I showed up with Daniel (we were all friends) to deliver a birthday card for her. She was having a slumber party. I wasn't invited.
I still secretly hope that she felt really bad.
But that pretty much defines how life works for me. I think I'm just not as cool as everyone else. I mean really, I'm pretty boring in real life. I don't talk a lot, and I'm not animated or really engaging. (Cue "I'm a lot cooler online" (even though I don't listen to country music, I make a few exceptions)).
And it bugs me, at the core of who I am. It probably all goes back to seventh grade when two of the snottiest girls I've ever known threw a party and invited the whole class except for me. And they made sure I knew it too. I didn't care that much because I probably wouldn't have gone. but it's the thought that counts, right? The evil, vicious intentions of insecure girls who hated me for some reason and I still don't even know why. It's made me wonder what's wrong with me. What's missing. Am I easy to ignore? I must be, because I've sent emails and messages to people inviting them to hang out and never gotten responses. And that's been happening more and more lately. I hate it.
And I know. People are busy. People really do have better things to do. People don't dislike me just because they can't spend time with me. I probably do the same thing unintentionally.
And, as I've gotten older, I've decided to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. As painful as it is. I'm just going to assume that they forgot to invite me, or they didn't get the email, or that they truly just didn't notice me. It's more OK like that. It's good to live under grace.

I have wondered lately, why everyone feels left out. And I think I've come to this profound conclusion. We don't notice when we're being included. We only notice when we're being forsaken. Because when we're included, we don't have to be self-absorbed or insecure. I think most people have a place or group where they're part of the "in" group.
and most people have countless other places where they feel like an outsider. Sometimes for no good reason. So I'm giving those places a chance. I'm still trying (not that hard because then it won't hurt as much if I'm rejected (yes, I'm a middle child)). So far, I haven't noticed any all group events I wasn't invited to. So maybe I'm not as much of a failure as I always feel like.

And that's about as vulnerable as I'm willing to be on that subject. I know everyone feels like that sometimes. I just wonder if I feel it more than everyone else. And I wonder when I'm on the "inside" if I care enough to notice the ones who aren't. I hope so. I really do. Because I'm operating under the assumption that all of the other people who have left me out think the same way I do, and don't ever mean to ignore others. If I'm wrong about that, then... then this whole post is moot.

Community

2011-09-25T20:10:00.002-05:00

Last week in my adult Bible class at church, we broke into small groups and shared prayer requests. This isn't uncommon for us to do. This week, there were some new people in my group. We sat around and visited for a while, and then we shared the things on our hearts. We agreed to pray for the person on our left, and then we went around hte circle.
Next thing I knew, the "new guy" was praying, with tears, for the "new girl" beside him that her husband would know God and would come to church. We didn't know each other, but we were all earnestly praying for the same thing.
we passed around tissue and went on with class.
But I've thought about that moment over and over for the last week. About how beautiful it really was. What an example of how the Church is supposed to be. Because we should be praying for each other with that kind of zeal. And we should be allowed to get emotional about peoples' souls and eternity. And we shouldn't have to be afraid to let go of the tears when we're pouring our hearts out to God. And we should always have that kind of unity when we are praying together.
There have been other moments like that for me along my walk with God, but this one struck me so hard. Maybe it was because we didn't know each other except for those five minutes we talked, and still we found the common cause moving enough that we could share our fervency. Maybe it just happened to be what we were praying for. Maybe we were all short on sleep. I don't know. All I know is, God heard us, and I truly believe He answers those prayers like he promised, when two or three are gathered together, He is with them. And I want more of that in my life.

Truth Speakers

2011-09-25T19:57:00.003-05:00

I think we see it on TV more than in real life. Some person, a close friend or an enemy or say, a cop's partner, finally lets loose and gives out their analysis of their friend's reason behind why they act the way they do, why it's wrong (or right or justified) and we watch while the person hearing these things reacts in anger or pushes it away. Because it's true, and they don't want to hear it.

There are times in my life when I long for truth-speakers to just say what they see in me. I had a few of them when i was younger. Brian, my big brother who I met in a chat room (best guy I ever knew at the time. Still in my top 10.) Nathan, another big brother, who actually became my big brother (in-law). Sarah, my slight neurotic, oversensitive friend who liked to talk about others but wasn't so into hearing things about herself. And there have been others along the way. A few who seem to know me well, who see through the shimmery masks I sometimes wear and say what they see.

Sometimes the questions and doubts get so big inside of me, that it feels like if someone doesn't fix them, I'll explode. It's not that I'm relying on people to fix my problems. But sometimes you get so wrapped up in yourself, you don't see the things in your heart that have become black marks, that are pulling you further away from the truth.

And while I'm bemoaning the fact that I don't have people like that in my life right now, I'm realizing that maybe I'm different than I was back then. There were a few people I could be honest with, and who I knew I could say what I really wanted to say to. Now there's this trap around me, and really, just a lot less time to sit around psycho-analyzing my life and thoughts. Maybe I should do it more often. Maybe we all should. Because those truth-speakers, who say things that aren't always easy to say, who leave wounds on the soul that become strong spots, who can heal by pulling away the calluses and showing you reality, who love so much that their hard-to-swallow words feel more like candy than medicine--they're out there. I know they are. I don't want to show myself to them anymore, though. But I think I should.

And, while I'm at it, I think that I should be less afraid to say what I see in others. I always come across as brash or blunt, but if I can just gauge myself, somehow figure out the grace end of grace and truth, the loving amidst battles, then maybe God would be able to use me more often.

And that's all I have to say on that one.

Jeremiah

2011-09-19T18:32:00.000-05:00

Do you think that you were made just to sound the alarm

Did you ever wonder if anyone would listen

Or did you think they all would?

Standing there in the ruins of the city

That word you could not quench

The voices you could not quiet

The fire you could not quell

You who were mocked and ignored

Still there yelling, sobbing, mourning and fighting

Bringing forth the word

Foretelling death and judgment

The one who was chosen

The one who was hated.

But it didn’t change your message.

It didn’t mean you were wrong

Just a piece of cruel irony

The prophet to a hardened people

Who thought they understood God

Where were you?

2011-09-10T22:47:00.002-05:00

Seems like the question people ask about 9-11. Maybe just because of that overdramatized song... maybe because people seem to remember stuff like that. I remember. I didn't have any clue it had happened, sitting alone in the apartment while Daniel was at class. A friend IM'ed me and asked something like "Did you watch the news?" or something like that, so I thought I should check. I went to some website and looked it up (no TV), and saw the burning tower. It was right after it happened. Then we watched the rest of the day while the news unfolded.
I went home and listened to "While the Nations Rage" by Rich Mullins, over and over and over.

And I know that people remember that moment like it was frozen in time, but I don't really get it. Maybe because I didn't get it then, either. The impact. I was 19. Maybe I still don't get it, though.
I like to remember, and I'm so proud of our country and how we all pulled together and stood united. I wish it happened more often, but in this day and age it just won't.
I remember seeing the flags at half-mass. and the patriotic sentiments we all shared.
I remember the news that came through over the next weeks.
I remember feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of disaster.
But I never felt unsafe. And I never wondered "why" it happened. And I'm so glad it isn't our job to save the world, because look at what a disaster we've made of it.
It's tragic. I think about it often, too. Those burning towers and the lives that were lost. All of the sadness and sorrow and pain. And I wish that I understood better. I wish it would have just ended there so we wouldn't have to listen to stories of soldiers dying and wonder who's safe.
Maybe I'm naive. But I still believe. I believe we're all in His hands and everyone will have to give an account for what they've done.

While the Nations Rage
Why do the nations rage?
Why do they plot and scheme?
Their bullets can't stop the prayers we pray
In the name of the Prince of Peace
We walk in faith and remember long ago
How they killed Him and then how on the third day He arose
Well, things may look bad
And things may look grim
But all these things must pass except the things that are of Him

Where are the nails that pierced His hands?
Well the nails have turned to rust
But behold the Man
He is risen
And He reigns
In the hearts of the children
Rising up in His name
Where are the thorns that drew His blood?
Well, the thorns have turned to dust
But not so the love
He has given
No, it remains
In the hearts of the children
Who will love while the nations rage

The Lord in Heaven laughs
He knows what is to come
While all the chiefs of state plan their big attacks
Against His anointed One
The Church of God she will not bend her knees
To the gods of this world though they promise her peace
She stands her ground
Stands firm on the Rock
Watch their walls tumble down when she lives out His love

Where are the nails...

what's the DEAL

2011-09-06T22:42:00.003-05:00

Angsty venting coming right up!

Here's the problem I'm having lately. I don't fit into boxes. And it's driving me nuts. I don't like being boxed in, but it seems like that's the only way people will accept me. I've made an art out of being mediocre, but some how that doesn't work when I pull from all kinds of different boxes and make my own outfit up. And yet, I still look like everyone else, and I obviously don't stick out enough for anyone to notice me or think I have anything to offer the general population.
This doesn't make any sense. All I'm saying is, I wish people wouldn't decide who I am just because of some box I happen to be pulling stuff out of. I've got talents you'll never see. I'm way smarter than I get credit for. And, I suck at plenty of things that people think I'm good at. Seriously.

I'm just in a bad mood. Feeling so sarcastic. most of the time I can reign it in--keep my mouth shut when I want to make a snide remark. I'm SO funny in my head, but I try so hard not to be mean. And usually it works, but today I just want to GO OFF on someone or something and let the whole world know how annoyed I am. But, this blog isn't anonymous enough to actually be explicit in the real things that are bothering me, s oI'm just going to whine about these vague things.
I need to shut up and go to bed. but I drank a chai tea and now I'm buzzed.
And, I really want some guacamole.

More from the Lesser World

2011-09-04T18:04:00.002-05:00

Today we went into the new church building and saw all of the people we've always seen, in fact more than usual. There's a wide open area where people can mingle. They call it Main Street.
In the service I looked around at all the usual faces, spread out further, harder to see. but still happy.
The first time i went in there, the greeter at the door was our late senior pastor's wife, who still attends with her new husband Richard. and it hit me. It was a little taste of heaven. Not because it was the most amazing building ever made or anything, but just because. One day we'll leave these shadows and find ourselves in the light, in the truest forms of what was represented on earth like Plato said. Sort of like leaving behind the old building with all of its fond memories and leaky pipes and broken tiles and flashy flourescent lights, walking into the splendor of newness. Instead of just seeing faces of the other people from church, it will be the Church of every age, all of those witnesses who went before us.
And there we'll see all of these faces of people--ones who we knew on the lesser world, whose flaws and moles and dark secrets are washed away, clothed in white. And the smiles will be real, and we'll be surrounded by unspeakable beauty and wonder, too vast to explore, more creative than we ever could create, more magical than we ever imagined.
And I think Pastor Ray (along with thousands of other amazing people we knew on earth) will be there at the door, smiling, giving hugs and saying, "Welcome home!"

Facebook, bane of banes.

2011-09-02T15:48:00.002-05:00

Reasons I would like to quit facebook:

Waste of time. Hours lost. Hours.
Frivolous. If I could guarantee that people would only post something interesting I wouldn't mind reading everyone's posts. I'm sorry. I don't CARE where you're eating supper, unless you're inviting me to join you.
Big Brother. Too many details. Too many pictures. The Man can get whatever he needs to bring you down, baby.
People I don't Know that well. Did you have to friend me? Now I'm in a moral delima. We were in a wedding together and we'll probably never talk again. But if I ignore you now, you might be offended.
People I know well. But, what are we going to talk about now that you already told me that on facebook?
Yes, No or Maybe. I don't know if people used to be allowed to RSVP with maybe. But now that they can, it really puts a dent in planning things when everyone's holding off on their real answer to make sure there's nothing better happening that night.
Time suck. Oh, did I mention that? Why can't I keep away? Why can't I just be OK with not reading everyone's updates. Because, WHAT IF I MISS SOMETHING IMPORTANT. And that takes me back to the real life thing. Someone ASSUMES I know they're pregnant because they announced it on facebook, but I didn't happen to read all of those posts that day. Now I missed it and she's six months along and I'm still too afraid to ask for sure.
Misunderstandings. I guess some people just don't "get" me. Or, maybe having a platform to sound off any rash opinion i happen to have isn't the best thing for me. I don't know. But I don't like offending people, either way.
"Pass it on"s. OH THEYRE SO STUPID. QUIT. It's not helping anyone to post a little blurb about how great your second cousin is or why we should care more about soldiers. Maybe, we should just go and volunteer in the community.
Scams, especially the video sorts. I didn't really want to even see the title of that in my news feed. And really, if you haven't figured out by now that your seventy-year-old next door neighbor isn't the sort who would post a nasty video of Miley that isn't actually a video, then you shouldn't be on facebook anyway. Get your minds out of the gutter.

Reasons I can't talk myself into quitting facebook:

Friends. I don't want to miss what's happening. And secretly, I'm afraid they won't tell me if they put it on facebook because they expect me to just read it.
Long-distance friends. The people I never get to see but occasionally wonder how they're doing, what they're up to.
Family. It's pretty much the only way I stay in contact with my cousins.
Easy contact. I don't have to keep addresses on file. I can just facebook them!
Coupon blogs. They go in my news feed so I don't have to remember to check them every day. I've probably saved myself $10 by now.
Games. Not gonna lie. Sometimes I need a boggle fix, and I need it NOW.
The Happenings. I'm actually guilty of forgetting to invite a non-facebook friend to an event, because I invited everyone else via facebook., I don't want to be that person.
My window to the outside world. There are people who, let's face it, aren't ever going to actually talk to me in real life. but, they happen to be my facebook friend so I can see what's going on in those circles without ever having to be social. And, that's really the ultimate reason. I don't want to have to expend effort to talk to people. Sitting here on my butt, in the comfort of my own home, with Star Trek playing in the background, is so much easier than going OUT to a place and TALKING with my voice, to people whose comments require an immediate response. I'm funnier online, when I have time to think about it first. And that's the honest truth.

It's Not OK to Have Opinions Anymore

2011-09-02T15:41:00.003-05:00

This is a personal rant, from my heart. Because I'm tired of "Discussing" things with defensive people who have chips on their shoulders that turn into "issues" that aren't even really issues. I don't have a specific person in mind here. Just the whole world. Except, of course, whoever agrees with me. ;)

Don't blow your personal pain out of proportion, thinking the whole world must fit into your box. We're all coming from different places in life.
Don't think, because you're more angry/passionate/vocal that I'm wrong.
Don't turn your inadequacies into problems with society. Maybe you just have a weakness. It's OK. we all do.
Don't discount me just because you don't like how I said something. Maybe my weakness is not saying things right.
Don't discredit my opinion. I didn't discredit yours automatically by disagreeing. didn't we already learn the difference between fact and opinion?
Don't call me close-minded. Some day we'll see who's right and wrong and I'm sure we'll both lie in both categories.
Don't think I don't care about you.
Don't attack my personal beliefs.
It's an opinion. If you didn't watn to discuss it, you shouldn't have brought it up.

Sad fruitful, Broken, True

2011-08-22T14:51:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was a long goodbye for me. It was strange, too, because it wasn't like most goodbyes, where you know you'll see each other again, or you at least get to hear some parting words. And it wasn't like a death, either, where you're left wishing for something more, for one last moment together.
I guess that's my fault. Since I was saying goodbye to a building. I know, it sounds ridiculous. We're getting a new church building. THe pastor's been saying all along, "it isn't that we're getting a new church. The church is the people. We're just moving to a new building." And it's an amazingly huge, brand new facility that was paid for by our congregation, and it will serve so many people and I'm excited for what will happen.
But. Goodbye is still goodbye.
Because, when I was fifteen years old, I found this sort of home at our church. We'd visited so many other places, and it was the first one I went to where I felt like I could belong. I was impressed by so many things. Mostly, the welcoming faces and the warmth. I was a visitor, but they never assumed I would stop coming. They just kept inviting me along for whatever they were doing.
I grew there, spiritually and physically, and romantically.
I fell in love there. I mean, literally. My first glimpse of Daniel in person was there. After we'd emailed for six months, he showed up, fresh off the plane from Russia. This smiling face with a bounce in his step, and I think it was maybe love at first sight. There in the church's front lawn, under the oak tree that still stands there.
We said "I love you" to each other outside of the youth room.
We danced and sang in the church musicals together.
He proposed to me the night he was baptized, there in the church gym.
And of course we were married there.
But it wasn't just him. It's a hundred other friends and family members, people who have watched me grow and who love me and care about me. And they'll all be there when we go to the new building.
But those old tile floors and the lockers on the wall have seen so much of me. And I'll miss the comfort of a place like that, where I know all of the nooks and crannies. Where I taught kids classes and sang in choir. Is it stupid to miss a church building? It might be. Because really, it's just a shell of a place. a kind of backdrop for what really matters. And the same things will keep happening as we move on. The same people will smile and open doors and greet and take offering and teach my kids. But I'll miss that place all the same. Not because I love it, but I love the memories and the people who are part of it.
And I think everyone has a place or two like that, filled with memories that only you really appreciate. Maybe high school or a best friend's house or your grandparent's house. Or your own house. I think about places like that, and wonder why people say home is a feeling. Because it is, but it's also a place. Or two or three.

I have this song on CD by Sara Groves. I always wish I could write like her when I hear her music. And this song, The House, sort of says what I'm thinking today about that church building. Like the hull of a seed, that old church cracked wide open...

The House

it took me by surprise
this old house and these old feelings
walked round and looked inside
familiar walls and halls and ceilings

where I'd dream and plan
every moment of sunshine
this was my whole world
it was all I knew
like the hull of a seed
this old house cracked wide open
as I grew

hadn't given it much thought
hadn't been back here for a while
everything looks so small
seen through the memories of a child

who would dream and stare
from that second story window
that was my whole world
it was all I knew
like the hull the of a seed
this old house cracked wide open
and I flew

sad fruitful broken true
sad fruitful broken true

memories for miles and miles
summers falls winters and springs
Ruby you take it in
see he's withheld no good thing

2011-08-21T21:44:00.001-05:00

We’ve all got something to say

About the memories from which we were made

The pieces of time and space

Spread out before us in eternity

And I used to count stars

Back when I still believed you could count them all

Those parts of me, the people the places, the dreams and the failures

Remembered only in my heart for what they were

These things, seen by the masses as every day

Can become, in an individual soul, the essence of who they are.

And that’s why I can’t stop looking at these parts

The simple and the strong, the short and the long

Mundane and colorful, the memories

The stars, counted once, counted twice, and thousands more.

Seen by all

From their own corner of the world.

Wedding Bells

2011-08-19T22:08:00.002-05:00

There were no wedding bells last weekend. At least not where I was. But there was a wedding.
We drove down to Nashville for my sister's hitchin'. Overall, it was a pretty good time. Even though it was a little busy. For those of you interested in these kinds of things, I'll just give the synopsis.
I was a bridesmaid. My girls were flower girls. They were adorable, even though their little curls didn't really stay in with the humidity.
The wedding was at the church the groom had grown up in, and his dad had been a pastor there. So there was this tightly knit community all around us. It was nice to see, and I think that an outsider would probably think my family/church looked similar. I felt strangely outside of it all. There weren'ta lot of "brides guests" at the wedding. My sister's best friend family came. There are three daughters and the parents and they're like her second family. Then of course, my brothers and my parents were there and hubby. My mother-in-law came as well, since she's one of my mom's best friends. And my cousin.
That was it as far as people I knew. There were a lot of kids from college who came too. I love my sister's friends. Hanging out with the bridesmaids was really fun. For the bachelorette party we went to this place called Cadalak Ranch. We had some drinks and danced. We meaning not me. well I danced. I didn't drink because I didn't feel like shelling out seven and a half bucks per glass. But whatever. I was pretty much over it after an hour, but we stayed longer.
It was fun to see the night life down there, though. I wished we'd had more time to stop into some other joints and check them out. There was some cool stuff down there.
After the wedding we drove downtown again with my parents and my cousin and brothers. Then we went to this park with a Parthanon in it. There was a wedding there so we got to see inside and it was pretty cool. There was also a tent with swing dancing and live music at the park which I enjoyed.
The wedding was cute. Kind of simple. And that's about all there is to say about that. The 10-hour drive home was... um, exhausting. I think we're done traveling for a while.
I haven't had a summer this crazy since the first year after we graduated college. We had a wedding we were in every other weekend, and then we had to squeeze in a trip to California for Daniel's grandma's funeral, and right after I got homef rom that I rode up to Montana to see my grandparents and took the train home in time for the next wedding.
This has actually been less exhausting than that. Except I have kids now, so maybe it was.
Whatever. I'm unwinding now by playing a stupid bricks breaking game and watching Star Trek Deep Space 9. **Geek Disclaimer** So far I don't like the show much. I didn't like it much when I was a kid either. If it doesn't get more interesting soon I'll probably skip ahead to Voyager. Which I really did like when it was on the air. Yeah, you all wanted to know that, didn't you?
I'm going to go back to my very important show now. Have a great weekend!

Where Did Summer Go?

2011-08-19T21:57:00.003-05:00

I've heard about a billion people say that this week, as all of the area schools are starting back up again. I sort of miss it. I have ever since that last year.
The new markers and pencils, the fresh uncracked notebooks and the smell of freshly waxed floors at the school. The excitement and anxiety of meeting the class and new teachers.
Hearing them try to pronounce my name correctly.
Next year will be Arlene's kindergarten year. I don't know what we're doing yet as far as what school or home school. This year a few of us are having a preschool co-op where all of the kids go to one mom's house and we rotate through who teaches what. It might be fun. I decided not to send her to preschool for several reasons. 1) I taught preschool for four years myself 2) She knows pretty much everything she'd learn and I don't want her to be bored. 3) She's just a kid. I don't want to rush into school. 4) It's expensive. 5) She gets a LOT of social interaction, and classroom experience, so that isn't a concern at all.
As I consider homeschooling and its benefits, more than that I think about the cons. Like the fact that we won't have those mystical first days of school, and that I'll have kids with me all day every day. But, there are plenty of other things that I like about it. Primarily the freedom to do as we wish, rearrange the day based on what needs to be done. take school on vacation and do it there. Anyway, hopefully that doesn't start a public debate because I don't really care to have one. I can see benefits of both ways. I went to public school my whole life, which is partly why I'm partial to other options.
All that to say, with the school year gearing up, I do feel sort of gypped. We were busy running around, working on projects and whatever. We didn't really get to enjoy long summer nights with camp fires and stars and swimming pools and bugs. It's been so bloody hot this summer too. So when we were home, we just didn't get to enjoy the outside like we normally would have. And the grass was long so I had to mow a lot, which is like my least favorite thing to do. But, I guess, the vacations and trips and being busy is partly what summer is too. So I'm glad that we got to meet up with friends and enjoy the freedom of no activities. And, I'm planning to eek out whatever parts of summer i can while it's still warm. And the warm always stays longer than I want.

Very very busy

2011-07-27T13:31:00.002-05:00

My kids have a song on one of their CDs that goes "we're very very busy and we've got a lot to do and we haven't got a minute to explain it all to you. For on sunday monday tuesday there are things that we must see and on wednesday thursday Friday we're as busy as can be. With our most important meetings and our most important calls and we have to do so many things and post them on the walls."
That's how I've felt this summer. It's kind of driving me nuts. I like having time to sit. There hasn't been a lot of it (hense the shortage of posts, which I know you're all so sad about). Kids just keep you busy. In the summer, there's more to do too. Library programs, wading pools and sprinklers, gardening (which I didn't do this year), walks, bike rides, parks, etc. I've wanted to have more time with my friends, but it seems like these things keep coming up.
And in the midst of it, I have these fleeting deep thoughts, which i think I'll blog about, but then I forget them by the end of the day when I have time.
I also wasted two weeks of evenings watching a TV show that we got addicted to. Not sharing what it is, either. Guilty pleasures.
Anyway. What else happened?
My sister hopped home for a quick visit. While she was here, my brother returned home from Afghanistan, so we went down to central state for the coming home cerimony. It was ridiculously short, which was great. And so great to have my little brother home.
My sister's getting married in two and a half weeks in Nashville. Before that, we're probably headed up to Montana for a quick visit with the relatives. It doesn't quite seem like a good idea to drag my kids across the country one direction one week, then back across and the other direction the next. But I think I'm crazy like that. It should be good.
Between MOntana and Nashville, my brother-in-law's family will be here visiting. We're closest in age to them and always get along well, so we'll probably spend some time with them in those few days.
It isn't really that busy when I talk about it. But, then I have to add in bringing the kids along everywhere, making supper, keeping the house clean, finishing house projects (never ending), church, and garage sales (which I actually consider part of my duty because otherwise I have to go and find good deals at stores and save coupons and crap like that and I just don't want to).
I like busy. but I like butt-sitting too. Maybe Montana will be a good rest. I can't wait to stand among the wheat. Watch the rodeo and dream about horses. Ride four wheelers and bum around at the fair with the cousins. Maybe I'll get a good storm out of it too.
Anyway, that was a boring post about what I'm doing. What are you doing these days? Are you busy too?

One Year Ago

2011-07-11T14:03:00.003-05:00

It's funny how, even though our minds seem built for eternity, we live with such a temporal mindset. Where we take so many wonderful things for granted. And then, in one jarring moment, when it's lost, we realize all over again how broken the world is, and how fleeting all of our pleasures are.

One year ago, I was in the RV headed up to my grandma's funeral with my family, my older brother and a cousin. With such heavy hearts, we laid her to rest in the family plot, next to ancestors and baby grandchildren gone too soon. It was the first funeral I've been to where I felt great personal loss at the goodbye. because grandmas, they're just always part of your life. Whether you know them well or not. You're part of them. They're a piece of the stability you know, and part of who you are.

My grandma, Dorthy Mae, was this amazing woman who learned the joy of contentment, even amidst trials and discomfort. She knew God's peace in a way I hope I will some day. Her home was part of me, that tiny shack she called her patchwork palace, made up of combined pieces of other shacks and homesteads, heated by a coal stove. She never seemed to mind the fact that she couldn't grow flowers in that dusty soil.

How is she a part of me? She prayed for me, I think every day. She invited me into her life, and shared this talent for writing, whther through genes or just through a mutual interest. She'd show me her publications, and tell me about the marketing. The last time I saw her, we talked about the time it takes. How it's easy to write, because that's the fun part. But marketing is a whole different ballgame. And she probably had more success than I ever will. She wrote thousands of articles for the newpaper, the Montana magazine, and senior citizens news. Her poetry is so poingnet and masterful. And while most of the world never gets to see it, I do. And I'm better for it.

I miss her all the time. Those wrinkled laugh lines and sheepish smile. The softness of her voice. Her silly jokes and the way she always found happiness amidst the dust. The baked bread. The coal dust that covered everything in her house.
The generosity and grace which came out of her content heart.
I'd give everything to be able to sit at the table and play Scrabble again, just one last time.
And I think I will, if games are a part of heaven. And there, it won't matter that she takes twenty minutes to put down a 70-point word every turn.
There, she won't have to use a walker or be in pain, or wade her way through clutter and junk, or open the window for a better breeze and wish the bugs weren't flying in. There, we'll just worship together.
I like to imagine her up there, rocking babies while she waits for the rest of us. My brother Daniel, my daughter Grace. My cousin, John, who would be 35 if he were here. I think she probably makes them soup, too, since something that delicious could only come from heaven.

Why do we miss our grandmas so much when they leave? Because they're a part of us. And her spirit of fortitude, and the joy she showed, her quiet devotion to God and her family, will always be a part of me. Save me a seat up there, Grandma.

WHY WEEPEST THOU?

By Dorothy Rustebakke

Dewdrops glistened on the bud
As Mary walked in grief,
Seeing not the quickened bough
Nor yet the bright new leaf.

But as she walked in sorrow there,
Blinded by her tears,
Her risen Lord spoke words to her
That echo through the years.

And all who grieve for loved ones lost
Find comfort even now,
Remembering the gentle voice
That asked, "Why weepest thou?"

Kim, the Scrabble Warrior

2011-07-09T15:39:00.002-05:00

The other night I met with my friend from high school. Really, she's one of only a couple who are left that I still stay in contact with. Thanks to facebook I keep tabs on several friends, but really Kim's the one I see most often. We meet every couple of months to play Scrabble and catch up.
Even though I beat her by about 50 points this time around, we're pretty equally matched in Scrabble so it makes it more fun. What I like about Kim, aside from her being plaina wesome, is that she really hasn't changed a lot. And i don't feel like I have either. so when we hang out, I don't feel like I have to impress her or prove anything.
She is immensly more talented, smart and successful than i am/was/ever will be so I'm just glad she still likes me.
I met her in freshman math class. we were in this block so we had all four of our afternoon classes together, along with band in the morning. We met because our mutual friends didn't really understand math. We were all in on that together, since our teacher really only cared about baseball.
After that year we had several more classes together. The most memorable being the humanities/history block, and AP Chemistry. What sucked was that she always got better grades than me, no matter who worked harder. Actually she was usually the one working harder. Which proves how much smarter she was. She ended up being valedictorian. I sat somewhere in the middle of the class, doing what I needed to to get by.
we have a lot of great memories. One of the best is how we used to make faces at each other when we were giving speeches. It usually involved this ridiculous thing from Monty Python's Flying Circus "And now for something completely different. A man with a tape recorder up his nose." Yeah. It's hilarious.
We also passed from class to class chanting things about our teachers. That was awesome. we were awesome. The rest of the world didn't understand. We weren't popular. And we just didn't care.
Now, married with two kids each, we're still awesome. And that's what keeps me going back to get slaughtered at Scrabble once in a whlie. Because I like people who don't make me feel like I need to be a certain way. Who know the "real me" so to speak. And she does. Or at least, the part of me that wore moose slippers to school, made fun of teachers, wrote hilarious notes, nearly failed math, and who had her own agenda. Sometimes I miss those days. Most of the time I'm glad we're not there anymore.

oh, and unrelated to this post, she is also part owner of the local Beef O'Brady's, as well as the manager. Which might be the only claim to fame I actually have at this time in life. If you'd even call it fame.

Christian Hippies, guitars, and Petra

2011-07-06T22:48:00.003-05:00

So I spent the weekend in the RV with my husband, two of his brothers, his dad, and my sister-in-law at a music festival in the middle of a cornfield.
It was 95 degrees and as humid as an indoor pool. We hung out under tents most of the time, listening to different obscure bands playing. And it was SO FUN!
I've named cornerstone the Christian Hippie Fest, because really the flour and fauna made me feel a little... too normal. Conservative and... old, actually. It was great, though. I think about 10,000 people attend, and everyone camps out all over the place for four days, playing music, going to seminars, and enjoying concerts.
They had a Jesus fest this year, bringing in some older bands and artists from the late 60's and 70's. That part was cool, because I'm kind of intrigued by the history of the Jesus movement and the social conditions that made room for such a big movement. My parents and my aunt and uncle were part of it. And the music at the festival Thursday night took us back to that time. Barry McGuire was great, so friendly and personable. He just talked and shared and sang in between. Randy Stonehill was a dork but I like a lot of his music. And he talked about Keith Green, which was cool.
There were some other bands I wasn't super familiar with, and I enjoyed listening to them. But the best part of that night was Classic Petra. If you know anything about Christian music, you know Petra. They were one of the first, maybe the first, Christian rock band. They retired a few years ago, but now some of the old members have reuninted to recover some of their old songs. So they were there, and their show was better than I ever imagined it would be. I'm not even a big Petra fan, but thanks to my pseudo-roommmate freshman year of college, I knew most of the songs they sang. And they were awesome.
Have you seen the Rolling Stones preform lately? They don't got nothin' on Petra. They were so good, so finely tuned and tight together. And Greg X Voltz can still bring it vocally. He hit all of the notes. It was so fun. And the best part was being with my brother-in-law who is a die-hard 80's rock fan. We all danced and sang, only about 50 feet from the stage. This is us. My brother-in-law on the right, and my sister-in-law on my left. And my father-in-law, sleeping in his lawn chair behind us. LOL!
Then there was Phil Keaggy. And he absolutely rules. The guy's probably 65 or older, and he still sounds like he did at age 20. And the guitar. Amazing. We had a rare treat because he sang with his old band Glass Harp, too. That made it even cooler.
I don't know why I'm writing all of this out. Probably most of you just aren't interested in knowing about my Cornerstone experience. But, the coolest part about it is the general atmosphere of the hippies and goths and punks who hang out there. Everyone's nice and friendly, and you can wear/do anything crazy that you want. Partly because you don't know anyone, and mostly because no one cares. I don't have the picture of my awesome hat I wore. Let's just say, it was my grandma's, and it folds up like a fan. I love having a chance to be a dork.
And I loved seeing the bands. It was so fun!
And, thankfully, the RV had air conditioning, or it would not have been NEARLY as awesome.

I've got the Hots

2011-07-03T21:43:00.002-05:00

We just went through a horrific heat wave. It was 95+ and about a billion percent humidity. I also happened to be at an outdoor music festival at the same time. We camped with our RV so thankfully there was air conditioning in it, but while we were listening to music and enjoying the aura of crazy Christian hippies, we sweated through our clothes and got caked in dusty mud. I will write more about that later.
Today I was thinking about this hot weather. I hate it. I've always hated it. But, my mom, being who she is, sometimes would make hot days fun for us when we were kids.
We lived in a rented farm house with no air conditioning. So when the weather got into the 90's, she'd take us to the library or the mall to hang out during the hottest part of the day.
We also had an incredible wading pool--a metal water tank for cattle. It was bigger than most wading pools, and deeper too. We'd fill that up and spend hours outside splashing around.
I remember one really great day when we went to the library, and then we came home with all three Star Wars movies. My parents always blocked off the living room and turned on the window air conditioner, so it would make that one room cool enough to live in. So we stayed in that room with our books and legos and other activities, with Return of the Jedi playing in the background. Mom and I worked on these little clay flowers she was using to make a craft. Then, when bed time came, we all brought our blankets and pillows downstairs and camped out on the floor in the living room.
My parents slept up in their room with the baby, since they had an air conditioner in their window. But for me and my brothers, it was party time. I LOVED those hot nights like that. And I always think of it when we have hot days. I sort of miss that simplicity in my life. We just dropped $2500 for a new central AC in our house, since our other one burned out. Maybe we should have sprung for new windows instead and just enjoyed some more nights camping out in the living room.

Hey, Crazy Coupon People! Leave Some Deals for ME!

2011-06-21T14:10:00.002-05:00

So... I just need to vent this. And it's my blog, so I can. I'm starting to be really annoyed with these crazy coupon hunter people.
I'm all about finding deals. I really am. I always check the coupons and try to save by stocking up when deals are really good.
I do not, however, BUY OUT THE WHOLE STORE JUST BECAUSE I CAN.
And it's really disappointing when I plan to use my one little coupon to get a good deal on one little thing to make for supper this week, only to find that t he crazy coupon people have been at it again, BUYING OUT THE WHOLE STORE. AUUUUGH!
I hope I don't offend anyone here. Because I do have some friends who probably fall into the crazy couponing category. And I love them dearly. And I like what they do. But seriously, folks. Let's draw a line. It isn't FAIR to me, an average consumer, that you peeled off all of the sticky coupons from a product, and you didn't even buy it, and then when I want to buy one or two, I'm totally deprived of the deal I was supposed to be getting as a reward for buying that thing. Let's show some class here.
Here's another thing. Are you really using all of that stuff you get? Did you really need 6 sticks of deodorant? Really?
Well. That's all I have to say. That, and I wish that stupid TLC show had never existed because it's only fueling the fire! I hate that show. I feel sick watching it. And some of those people... I think they need psychological help. Why are we making it into entertainment? (I'm gonna have to say that's true of many reality shows, however.)
All right. Hopefully no one hates me for saying it. It's just my opinion.

Missing my Free Time!

2011-06-16T22:27:00.005-05:00

I haven't had any spare time in the last couple of weeks. Things just got really busy for all of us. With summer in full swing. so. What have I been doing?

Mostly, trying to keep up with these guys:

we've spent a lot of time in the wading pool in the back yard this summer. But now it's been raining for two weeks straight, so we're trying to find more interesting things to do.
Like potty training.
Which, by the way, I am terrible at. I will not share the trauma with the whole world. But let's just say I suck.

I also wrote a devotion book for a camp at church. Every year my mother-in-law, along with her team of friends, puts on a theatrical camp. For two weeks 3-8th graders come to church in the morning and learn different parts of theater/acting/set-design/dancing whatever. they put on a play at the end. This year the play is about David and Goliath, so what I wrote corresponded with themes from that. I enjoy writing devotions. For camp, I check their "homework", and I've been teaching their devotion time in camp too. It's been a challenge. But I sort of like it too.

Anyway.
I've also been busy with wedding plans. My sister's getting married in August. She was home and so we had showers and dresses and all of that girl-stuff that comes with weddings. It's been fun, though. Now that she's growing up and we can kind of relate about some more things in life.
My BFF cousin visited too while my sister was here. That was awesome like usual. Becky and I grew up playing in the barn, chasing down cats, fighting with our older siblings, and inventing spy organizations together. It's not nearly as interesting when we hang out now, but I guess that might be good. Although, we have been known to break out in random songs from "The Music Man". but that's a trait almost everyone in my extended family shares.
Overall, life is good. We spend a lot of our free time reading library books and running through the sprinkler.
I spend whatever moment I get to myself writing. Because I love it. And I'm in the middle of a project.
Next week will be just as busy as this one, if not more. And then, my brother and sister-in-law come to town. After four days, we're all going to drive across the state for a Christian music festival together. More to come on that...

Little Leaf

2011-06-06T13:40:00.004-05:00

You liked where you were walking
on the solid ground of yesterday
safe from shadows and thorns.
But change comes in like the wind
and pushes away all that you saw as solid--
the comfortable that keeps you
in places like green pastures and goodnight kisses
And you see it as a struggle when that wind comes
and you cling to the tree
like a little leaf
Unable to see the sky above
or the road ahead calling "Come and be free!"

In Africa you caught a glimpse
of that mysterious place that ties us together
with trust and love
and your heart is asking for more.
And you know, letting go now, will pull you back into that sacred space
Not into the safe meadows in the
sheltered softness of what has always been home
but somewhere beyond, somewhere unknown
high above those lofty clouds you've watched

And insecurity holds you there
tethered to the tree
Will you trust that something bigger is at work here
and simply let it be?
What dreams will die? What life may come!
what treasures lie in store!
how do we do it together, when it's always been just me?
You wonder and you cry
and you cling.

But you, little leaf,
you needn't be afraid.
He will always keep you safe.
You must surrender to the wind
as it takes you high and low, hither and yon
You will find your heart at ease there beyond
all you could ever think or dream
And when you look back over your shoulder at the unending sky
you will probably find
that until now you never really were free
and you didn't really know how to fly.

Arlo's wedding

2011-06-06T13:25:00.002-05:00

We enjoyed some good old time fun this weekend. Our friend Arlene from college got married to another friend from college. Instead of a nice traditionally quaint wedding, or an elaborate show, this wedding was simple down to earth, good old fashioned fun.
I've lived in Iowa my whole life but never been to a barn dance. I really have to say I enjoyed it. My kids did too. We just had a great time. The music was fantastic.
Instead of cake and cake-cutting rituals, Arlo and Darin had a pie contest. All of their guests were invited to bring a pie for judging. Which made for delicious dessert time! We sat on quilts on the lawn for the meal, and had a great time visiting with friends and strangers.
Most weddings, you sit around with a couple people and have awkward conversation and try to think of things to say. This wasn't like that. we met some really neat people and enjoyed catching up with other friends from college.
I liked the small-town country feel. I wish we had mroe chances for things like that.
So, I'm just going to say, we named our kid after one of the coolest people in the world. When you read about the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians, you would be describing her. (Although she would tell you that isn't the case). She has a gentle, quiet demeanor but a funny sense of humor. She enjoys life. She lives in simplicity and welcomes people into her life with honesty and openness. She loves God and shines in whatever she does. Of course, we love her. And that will be a wedding for the history books, for sure.

Judgment Day

2011-05-21T14:55:00.002-05:00

I just have to get this off my chest. I don't really feel like starting debates or anything, but this is my blog so I have a right to say what I think on it, don't I.
I know everyone thinks Harold Camping is a whack job, and of course the whole Judgment day thing is a joke.
Even to those of us who believe it will happen. Some day.
But it left me unsettled all day yesterday. Not because I was afraid that the world was going to end but because I don't like how funny it was to everyone. We shouldn't make light of holy things. And maybe this makes me as crazy as him, but I still believe that there will be a rapture, an apocalypse and a return of the King. It didn't happen like camping said it would. It didn't happen today, but I think it will some day.
While I was thinking about the whole thing yesterday and questioning it, I found this verse:

"I am ready to vindicate. I am ready to deliver, I will establish justice among the nations. The coastlands wait patiently for me; they wait in anticipation for the revelation of my power. Look up at the sky! Look at the earth below! For he sky will dissipate like smoke, and the earth will wear out like clothes; its residents will die like gnats. But the deliverance I give is permanent; the vindication I provide will not disappear." Isaiah 51:5-6

Thankfully, I can hope in him, even if the end of the world is near!

Here's another thing that's bugging me. Yes, his prophesy is wrong. Clearly. I don't really understand how he ever came to his conclusions. I really don't. But let's be honest. He's a guy who's allowed himself to get carried away with one little area of theology instead of concerning himself with the bigger picture. I think I've fallen into that category more than once. (Probably not so fanatically but who's to say?)
Yes, he's delusional. But I think it might be interesting to find out how many "respected" leaders in the church are actually incorrect. When the roll is called up yonder, and we're engulfed in the Truth. Something to think about. How quick you throw out phrases like "false teacher" and "liar".
I'm not saying he isn't false. He is. And clearly he missed a few pages in the "Principles of applying the Bible" book. But I've seen false teachers who KNEW they were doing it, who WANTED to say things that weren't true and make people follow them, because they knew it would bring them personal gain. Was Harold Camping one of them? No. And it's not my job to judge his heart anyway.

And last, of course every good evangelical has been saying it all along. We don't know when "IT" could happen. I think he might have mistook some of the information in Revelation, but I don't know. I don't think i have to know the details to believe it could have been today. And I don't think I'd want to give an account for my life yet. Still I know I'd be covered with Christ's everlasting love and forgiveness if I did have to. Would you be? You could. He invites us over and over.

Isaiah 55:1-3 Hey, all who are thirsty, come to the water! You who have no money, come! Buy and eat! Come! Buy wine and milk without money and without cost! Why pay money for something that will not nourish you? Why spend your hard-earned money on something that will not satisfy? Listen carefully to me and eat what is nourishing. Enjoy fine food! Pay attention and come to me. Listen so you can live! Them I will make an unconditional covenant promise to you. 6 Seek the Lord while he makes himself available, call to him while he is nearby!

Maybe I'm just as crazy as Harold Camping for believing it. I don't know. I'd rather believe it and be wrong than not believe and have it be right. Wouldn't you?

Heaven

2011-05-11T23:08:00.000-05:00

Heaven

The darkness swells around
as the evening turns to night, and the shadows of longing
tear at my heart
When I remember her life
and think of all the missed years
that we could have shared together on this earth

And amidst the loneliness and loss, and begging for answers
I find a depth and quietness in my spirit
Blanketed in the comfort He’d promised when He left.
He said He’d come back and make it all right
Stand upon the hill, shout like a warrior
and carry forth His justice throughout the ends of the earth
And I could go back with him to his place in the sky
Where He’d wipe away every tear I cry.

And I’ll see her there, wrapped up in His love
and the time and the years and the sorrow and the tears
will become just sweet flavors of grace.
And the sickness of sorrow that shadowed our lives
in those moments when death gripped our souls
reminding us of our own frailty and sin
will be only a memory, one that pales there in His perfect light
when we behold Him.

(Missing Grandma. Wishing for Heaven)

Intergenerational mingling

2011-04-21T22:08:00.002-05:00

Tonight my church's womens ministry took over a coffee shop for the express purpose of allowing women to "mingle" with women of other generations. It's a great idea! I couldn't make it because I had another commitment.
I did, however, have a chance for some inter-generational mingling. With my 14-year-old babysitter. It's sort of a funny coincidence, but while i was driving her home, we got on the subject of siblings and things. She talked about how her mom had lost several babies, and how she always wondered what it would have been like with those extra brothers, and how she couldn't wait to be together with them in heaven.
then I told her about my brothers who hadn't made it. It's weird. I don't think that I've ever really been able to share those feelings with someone who understood and had the same kinds of questions. Growing up, we just didn't talk about it much. I'm sure I've told people about my missing brothers, but it was different, saying it to a girl who wondered the same things about her own life, who wished for those missing family members. It's not a deep wound or anything, but it felt good to just say it and know that she understood.
Some things are so different between generations. Some things will probably always be the same.

Peter in the Garden

2011-04-21T15:32:00.004-05:00

So this isn't really a final draft, but I wanted to post it today, lest I don't have a chance over the rest of the weekend. Besides, it's Maudy Thursday so what better time?
It's a little long. But it's kind of hard to cram Peter into a poem. I think it would make a better monologue, since this actually sort of sounds like poetry slam or something. But it's what I got. It's what I've been thinking about, how faith can be so weak even as Jesus is accomplishing His greatest acts. I might have to write Peter part 2, since I love the account of him and Jesus on the beach frying fish. But there just wasn't room for it with this one.

The Last Night

In the upper room for Passover,
While we were busy clamoring,
The teacher stooped and washed our feet.
I didn’t understand then how much it would mean.
Instead I argued, like I always do,
hoping something I said would make him explain
and he told me unless I was washed, I had no part with him.
It still didn’t seem right.
And neither did it, when he told us he’d be betrayed by one of us.
I didn’t want to think it was me
And I felt a sense of relief, when he passed that dipped bread to Judas.
Then he shared the cup with us, and told us of future glory
In His Father’s kingdom
And something about his broken body and spilled blood.

On the walk to the garden he prophesied again
And he said we would all fall away
They would strike the shepherd and the sheep would scatter
And I knew I shouldn’t argue but I said it anyway
I wouldn’t. I never would.
Then he told me I’d deny him, even tonight before the rooster crows
But I still promised I would follow to the death

And I could see the darkening of his face in the fire we lit while we sang a hymn.
He took me and John and James further in
And then he walked away
For a while I watched, and I could hear Him crying
Begging for the cup to be passed
And I think then I realized tonight would be different than the last three years
Tonight, whether in glory or death, His kingdom would begin.
I fell asleep there and I don’t know why. I still wish I hadn’t.
When I saw him next his hair was wet
And I thought there was blood mixed in his sweat
But his face was set like flint there in the moonlight—
Resolve and duress in his eyes.

They came with swords and clubs
A detachment of soldiers, wielding their best weapons
And Judas there at the lead, lighting the way
He kissed the Rabbi’s cheek
And if I could have reached him then, I would have hit him
The men asked for Jesus, and he said “I am He” with such power
They retreated and fell on their faces.
And I held my breath, waiting for his power to be revealed.
But he let them seize him instead.
And I was the only one who drew a sword to protect him.
He just walked away with them
And I stayed behind with a sword in my hand.
We didn’t know where to go
So some of us followed behind
And now I wonder what made me afraid
How did I ever come to that place?
Holding on in such fear and weakness of faith
When I was the one who had walked on water
Why was my heart, always so quick to fight,
Suddenly frozen? My tongue, so quick to speak and
Silenced there by the fire outside the Sanhedrin.

a little girl and a slave, asked if I knew him
And I said I didn’t. When they asked again, I said no.
The third time I swore with curses, with my Galilean accent telling of the lie
Then a rooster crowed.
And I, the one who had sworn first to follow unto death,
Stood there and wept, swallowed up by grief and doubt.
But it felt then like the world had become dark
While he was with us we saw the light
Yet in that moment, from the time he had been taken away
All that I’d built my confidence in seemed to fade

When they put him on the cross, I could hardly see.
Amidst the earthquake and the darkness and the rain
I just thought about that rooster, how Jesus had never been wrong
How all the things He’d told us would one day come to pass
While I didn’t understand them, I understood that one thing.
I had betrayed Him.
The Living God, who possessed the words of eternal life. The one true and rightful king.
There would be no room now at his right hand,
No kingdom come for me.
And yet, I still believed.

Because with Jesus, nothing was ever as it seemed.
He’d told me the rooster would crow.
He’d told me we’d all be scattered.
But before that He’d promised not to leave us and he’d said not to be afraid.
So that night I remembered how he’d stood in the boat and calmed the waves
How he’d appeared to us like a ghost on the raging waters
And I’d walked out to him with my wavering faith.
And with that shard of hope, I thought
maybe tomorrow, he’d be among us again
Laughing at the wind.
Calling us his friends.

SO EXCITED

2011-04-14T20:58:00.002-05:00

It always feels good to finish reading a good novel. Unless it was meant to be depressing, but I don't usually read that kind. I usually get kind of hyper when I finally read the last chapter, even if I'd read ahead and knew how it would finish. Because I like seeing how it all comes together.
There's a kind of euphoria you experience that's similar, when you write your own novel.
I've written a lot. I started in seventh grade on my dad's work laptop, and I haven't been able to stop. I was probably geek-ville, because I think, when I was tweleve, I'd written at least 3 70+ page novels. Not to mention the countless ones scribbled out in notebooks.
They were all stupid, but at age 12, they were pretty cool. My friends even liked them.
At age 20-something, it's still amazing to finish. I finish a lot less often. I've gone back and edited a lot. And, often, I leave a story knowing I'll have to come back and tweak it and change certain plot points. But it hasn't got enough steam at the time to keep me going.

Today I finished one that I've had in my head since ninth grade. I didn't even start writing it until maybe five years ago. It never came together quite right until the last year or so. I decided to revisit the half-finished manuscript. I then decided to redo it. I kept bits and pieces, but most of it got hacked.
The end result? Perhaps my most favorite story I've ever written. (As mentioned before, I've written many. More than 20 probably, although most of them are for teenage audiences so I don't know fi that counts). I can't even share the details since we're on the internet and someone would steal them.
There have been so many that needed work. That have just been a little under par. (over par? I don't play golf).
But this. This I feel I could market. It's amazing. I've always felt like it had more potential than the others. I think I'm just happy about the end, because it involves a cabin on the prairie and horses. And it ended a little differently than I planned it to. But doesn't everything?

Goodbyes

2011-04-13T13:59:00.002-05:00

I said goodbye to two good friends this last week. One is a friend Kelly I'd met through a young adults group back before I had kids. We've stayed in touch and she had her own kid, got married, and we were enjoying the same Bible study the last two years. Her husband took a new job in Arizona and now they're on their way down there. She's lived here her whole life. I didn't expect her to ever move away, and now she doesn't think they'll ever move back to the area. I'll miss her a lot.
The other one was the young adult pastor and his family. They've been here basically since I got married, building up a little flock of young adults in the church and doing a lot of work with people in my age and phase of life. They decided to go and learn how to plant churches, and then go ahead and plant one somewhere in Iowa. (River Tree Project) They're excited. They knew God was moving them on. They knew God had plans in store for them. And, as a person who was never super close to them, but always appreciated everything they did, I just... didn't really want them to go.
It was sort of like how I felt when my brother and sister-in-law moved to the other end of the globe. You know it's what God wants for them. And you know that it's good and right. But it doesn't feel like that, when you're the one left behind.
I guess mostly because I don't really like change, when it's something I really like having that way. I wish that we didn't live off of change. That life weren't so static.
But, here we are. And I think this is a time of life when a lot of people my age are moving around and trying new things. There's that 7-year itch, when careers become kind of stale and people want to try something different. we're made for change.
But I really didn't want to say goodbye to either of my friends. And in those few moments that I had at their individual going-away parties, I had time to talk with them and realize it was probably the last conversation we'd have in a long time. Maybe ever. I know you can stay in touch through the internet and all of the great technology, but it isn't the same as week to week face to face contact. There's something about that that makes a different dynamic in a relationship.
I'm glad for the few moments I had with all of them to say goodbye. The pastor and his wife, and my friend Kelly. I can't wait til heaven when we can all visit with each other as much as we want and no one will go away, and no one will be too busy, and we can share our stories with each other.
Billy Sprague has a song called "Heaven is a Long Hello". I'm tired of saying goodbye to people. I can't wait for that long hello.

15 Years Ago

2011-04-08T19:45:00.002-05:00

Everyone has these events in their life that shape their future and become that black thread in their tapestry. Some of them are really huge. Divorces, parents leaving, deaths, breakups. Some people have more than one. Some people probably have hundreds, linked up together with other ones, inseparable from the reds and blues and greens.
I don't have very many. And it sounds so trival when I talk about it. I know it isn't monumental, and I know it's really not "that big of a deal", but it took a long time to really get over it.
15 years ago, we were at a church where things went amuck. I can't really share all of the details because I don't feel like it. There were so many things happening behind the scenes. So many creepy dark spiritual things that I hate even remembering. And, many of the things were just simple church politics gone wrong.
Dad confronted the leadership, who, I think were a little self-serving and self-absorbed. Mostly just deceived. They asked him to leave the church. They called him the devil, and said that we were blaspheming the Holy spirit. Whatever that means.
I can't really explain it the way I should. I think, at age 15 I understood most of what was happening. But I can't explain it well. especially if you've never been injured by a church. It doesn't really make sense. It's like, you should just move on and find a better church, right?
But when people you trust, and love and spend so much of your life with, turn their backs on you, it's really hard to handle.
I had a guy friend back then. We weren't officially anything, mostly because he was two years younger than me and I was pretty good friends with his sister. we were close, though. He'd call me up and kind of try to argue about why we'd left. I didn't really have any good answers, I just knew it was right. And he stopped calling eventually and I didn't really see him again for a long time. I still miss him and wonder what might have happened if he'd stayed in touch.
When the people who are your spiritual leaders all forsake you, it leaves you kind of at a loss. My dad of course, was the biggest spiritual leader, and I followed him ultimately. but it did make me start to wonder if what I'd learned my whole life was even true. I had no idea how to filter out what was actually true and what was nonsense and lies and unbiblical.
So we left, and really, in the end, only one of my friends stayed friends with me. I wasn't really popular at school. By "wasn't really" I mean I had one actual friend who I even liked talking to and a couple of other geeks who I talked to a lot by default since we were always the losers. That left me my brothers (who are awesome), my best friend Bethany (whose parents are way more mature and wise than most of their peers and didn't get so wound up over some theological differences, and still let their daughter hang around me even though they probably actually didn't want to) and my internet friends. Primarily Brian who is still one of the most amazing people I know.
It was lonely. Wow, it was lonely.
And there was a lot of other crap going on. Creepy things. Some people would call it "spiritual warfare" or "spiritual attack". People left weird sidewalk graffiti outside of our house. Someone broke the window in our van (right outside my bedroom window). My sister got hit by a car. My mom had episodes where she couldn't breathe. There were nightmares. It was just creepy.
I was fifteen. i loved Jesus but at that point, that was all I knew. I hated church. I wanted to like it but I just didn't. We were visiting other places, trying to find a good fit. None of them fit. Not that our first church really did either. I'd never liked the youth group there. But I did like my Bible quiz team and my four friends, and now they were gone.
We visited a lot of churches. We were seriously considering one. Then my folks decided to try one of the other ones that they'd gone to without us a few weeks ago. We all went.
That day, I found light in my darkness. I found the best youth group I'd ever seen with people who were friendly and actually cared about spiritual things, and really let God live in their hearts. The pastor preached a REAL sermon. The music was great and engaging. They all seemed to like each other. After the service, the pastor walked among the people and talked with them like they were all his friends. And they were.
Fifteen years ago, the black thread in my tapestry had a bright yellow thread wound around it. And, there were years of scars to take care of ahead of me. But there, in that awesome youth room with blue and yellow ceiling tiles, and cheerful kids and good Bible teaching, I found home. And I'd never even known that I could be in a place so comfortable, so welcoming and so right.
It was streams in my desert. It was a feast set before me when I'd been eating dry bread. And it still is that way, 1,000 more people later. A husband, two kids, and hundreds of friends later. I love it there. And, God redeems and restores.

2011-03-31T19:38:00.002-05:00

i think of things I could blog about throughout the day, but whenever I have a chance to sit down and actually write something, my mind goes blank. Oh well.
The house is in disarray right now. we tore out the shower and are going to put in a new one. It SUCKS. I am not a patient project person. I hate them. I don't sit around envisioning the perfect end product. I just hate them. I hope we never live in another house like this one.
Right now, the hammer drill is banging away while the kids are getting ready to go to sleep.
And I'll stop because I just want to complain. And you probably don't care much.
I really don't have anything to say. Although, maybe sometime within a week, I'll have another poem cranked out. It's sitting there on the edge of my mind, all of these thoughts swimming around in little phrases that I have to link together.
I guess I should go and do something productive now.

Spring Has Come

2011-03-21T12:41:00.002-05:00

I used to hate spring time. It's always muddy and windy and you spend most days waiting for a good-weather day, surprised when it actually comes. I like it now. Probably partly because I have kids and by the end of winter, I'm ready to do something besides chase after their messes in the house. WE don't have to put on nineteen hundred outdoor clothing to go places, and I don't have to warm up the car.
Partly I like it because it just feels like everything's starting new. All of the darkness of winter has passed. We're getting ready for the time of year when we can do things as a family without any planning or effort.
And, my flowers are blooming. When we came home from the hospital after having Grace, Daniel's aunt had left us a nice pot of flowers, all in bloom. In the dead of winter. They were so pretty. We saved the bulbs and planted them the next year. The evil squirrels dug most of them up, but last year, lo and behold, an iris and two little daffodils popped up! This year, there are even more of them. It brings joy to remember how the cloudy days can pass and new life always returns.
I suppose I'll have to dig those up when we move. I couldn't leave them behind.

I was planning to use this post to just say that I haven't written much because I've been busy with warm weather and house projects. And it's true. It's because spring is here. Time to clean up the messes, scrub the carpet, and organize.
And, tonight, my friend from college is coming! She's been in England for three years and I've missed her so much. So. I'll be busy until further notice.

Hospital Bed

2011-03-05T22:00:00.003-06:00

I've been at the hospital for 29 hours now with my oldest daughter. She became dehydrated a couple of days ago, so they're monitering her. It's not looking really serious right now. But I hate being here, helpess. I like having the help, and knowing that if anything gets worse, we're where we should be. I'm restless now, thinking about all of the things I need to do when i get home. I'm pretty exhausted too. And, in the night, you worry about things you have no need to worry about. Here's what I wrote because I'm bored.

Hospital Bed

What helplessness we find
in the hospital bed
watching
waiting
time slowly ticking by
and the trouble we imagine
tormenting our sleep

what frailty we see
those tiny hands
tiny tears
calling out for help
which I cannot give

But bigger hands hold us
In the weakest of times
showing us hope
saving, sustaining,
Healing—His voice
Singing a song in the night:
Help is on the way

Fight, Fight, Fight Fight Fight!

2011-02-28T20:11:00.002-06:00

I was talking to a friend out in DC the other day about the 60's, of all things. Probably anyone who lived during the 60's and 70's would have laughed at our naive, outsider's perspective on all that happened "back then".
She mentioned how you could tell what subculture a person from that time came out of--the hippies, the soldiers, or the Jesus people--by what they're fighting for/against today.
I think it's funny how so many cultural patterns were set then, and how they still influience our thinking today, more so than the generations that followed. My friend was noticing how all of the pastors from that time seem to want to be fighting, but they don't really know what they're fighting anymore. I don't even know what to think of that, but I do think that, a lot of folks who came out of the 60's and 70's have an axe to grind. I didn't notice it in my parents, but I can see it in prominent political figures, disillusioned by their idealism from the 60's, planning to save the world with government now. I can see it in many Christians, too, who think that the Church is actually the problem with Christianity.
And I think, maybe we're in a similar place that those folks were in. Disillusioned with the government, in the midst of a war that so few people support, dissatisfied with the religious establishment. Maybe we're at another breaking point. And maybe we don't realize it. As my friend said, maybe no one realizes that they're in a moment in history that will be studied and analyzed for years to come, when they're in that moment, just living and looking at the present.
Right now, I feel like we're looking at overturned old soil that's grown the last generation's crops, and we're ready to plant something new. All kinds of things can grow there. Between religion, technology, economics and government, I think we're in for a mixed crop. I don't want to be in the free-spirited camp, or the military camp. Or people who are putting their hope in establishments at all. I want to be in with the people following God's lead, establishing the only thing that's going to last. His Kingdom.

I'll Fly Away

2011-02-28T20:01:00.004-06:00

So, I've been watching this absolutely amazing TV show called I'll Fly Away. I watched it when i was a kid, back in the early 90's when it was a new show. It's about a family who lived in the south during the civil rights movement. The dad of the home is the district attorney, and struggles with where he stands on different issues, and what battles he should fight. His three kids offer three perspectives--the oldest, open minded and willing to cross lines a little, the middle daughter, a snitty 13-year-old who thinks nothing's a big deal and the world should revolve around her, and the 6-year-old who asks a lot of questions and doesn't understand the ways of the world. Their house worker, a black woman, is also a main character, and we see much of her life and hear her reflections at the end of every episode.
Even as a middle schooler, I would watch the show on Sunday nights, enjoying the drama even when I didn't fully understand it. It changed my perspective then, and I like the show all the more now that I really understand everything. I think everyone would. Forget Roots! This show gives life to all of the stories that we heard whenever we studied the movement in school.
Growing up in the middle of the middle, I just can't even fathom the battle that happened. I can't imagine what it would have been like to stand up, for the first time, and risk being hurt or killed, just because I wanted to be treated with respect.
I wonder, if I'd lived then, what I would have done with my own influence. If I would have even thought much of it, or if I'd have sat back and watched it all unfold without lifting a finger for either camp. I don't know what i would have done. All I know is, having watched a few of these episodes, I have a new respect for those brave people who decided enough was enough--the people who still do it, every day, around the world. And I hope, if the chance ever arises and I have the chance to stand up and fight for something I really believe in, that I'll do it with all of my strength.

Infobesity, and fasting from technology

2011-02-15T21:24:00.002-06:00

So I read this article today that got me thinking. I shared it on facebook, but I wanted to write something about it quickly here. It was really good (click on the title of this post to see the article), pointing out how we become addicted to our on-the-spot social networks and email and internet, forgetting the world around us. There were a lot of good points there. Basicaly, it came down to "infobesiety":

"Susan Maushart, author of the new book, The Winter of Our Disconnect, describes this kind of addiction to media with the marvelous term “infobesity.” Just as Americans have a growing reputation—if you’ll pardon the pun—for physical obesity, we also have an expanding commitment to staying “connected” through social media such as Facebook and devices such as smart phones."

Interesting? Personally, I'm a little offended when I'm talking with someone and they're checking their phone every five minutes (or seconds), sending texts and really, only half-engaged in what I'm saying. I don't have a smart phone so I can't really say how it should be, but I decided today to make an effort to be less consumed by the internet world, and focus more on God, and connect face-to-face with tangible people more. Because, more often than not, I'm wasting time reading about what someone ate for lunch, when I could be talking to my neighbor about what's in her soul. I don't want to be an addict. It's annoying.

So, here it is, internet world. I'm going to take Wednesdays off. No internet. I'll try it for a month, and hopefully can have enough will power to stick with it even longer. Who wants to join me?

Isaiah

2011-02-15T21:11:00.003-06:00

I just finished my Bible study for tomorrow. Isaiah is so full of good things. 41-43 are treasures. So meaty. Every verse means something. I really got a lot out of it, so I'm going to have to share. I apologize you non-Bible people.

42:13 The Lord shall go forth like a mighty man; He shall stir up His zeal like a man of war. He shall cry out, yes, shout aloud; He shall prevail against his enemies
I used to have a poster I stole from my brother with that verse on it, hanging on my bedroom wall. It was a really sweet piece of art, with a firey Jesus on a horse trampling out the whispy demons, hidden throughout the picture. I can't really describe it well. But I always liked it. What hit me tonight, reading that, was that He's fighting on my behalf! I don't have to win the war. I just have to trust Him.

43:1b-2 Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.

My rivers and fires haven't been nearly as terrible or difficult as so many others', but I have seen my share of them. And, as the doubt clouds in and the fear floods my soul in the middle of the night, I've seen this promise over and over. I have never been so overwhelmed that I couldn't reach for Him. I have never been so engulfed in flames that I couldn't see the way out. He loves me.
He called my name, and I came to Him, and I belong to Him. How precious.

43:22,25-26 But you have not called upon me, O Jacob; and you have been wary of me, O Israel... but you have burdened me with your sins, you have waried me with your iniquities. I, even I, am He who blots out your transgressions for My own sake; And I will not remember your sins. Put me in remembrance; Let us contend together; State your case, that you may be acquitted.

When I read the part about burdening God with my sins, I felt something in my soul. we've been working on a lot of things lately. And they kind of have been a burden. It was good to read on and know, that he blots out our sin. Not for our sake, but for His, so we can know Him more fully and reflect His light.

There were so many more things. I encourage you to take a look for yourself. Like I said, it's full of great things.

Confessions of a Big-Mouthed Woman

2011-02-15T21:05:00.002-06:00

I had this strange dream last night, and the details have become hazy but I think that maybe my brainw as trying to tell me something. In my dream, I had had this conversation with my sister-in-law, and then we went on with the day. Later that night, someone (I think her husband) told me that I had wounded her. And I had no idea how. Then I replayed our conversation and realized that I'd said so many hurtful things.
It didn't really happen. Although I'm sure it has, and I haven't realized it.
I'm not the kind of person who chit-chats just for entertainment or to get to know people. I do that out of necessity because it seems to be what women like to do. When i'm talking with someone, I'd rather just relay important information or share what's on our hearts. Small talk isn't my thing.
But I think in small talk, I say all kinds of things that I don't mean. And I don't even realize it until later. Or never. I want to try to reign it in a little. Say fewer things and think more before I talk. It's something me and God have been discussing lately. (Probably the cause of the dream, since it's been on my mind so much).
If I've done this to you, PLEASE know, I'm not trying to be a jerk. Probably I just said something that came out wrong and I didn't even realize it. Tell me. I'll give you a sincere apology. Tell me if you hear me do it to someone else, for that matter. I'm kind of dense.

Open Mouth

2011-02-09T19:21:00.003-06:00

Insert foot.
No matter how old I get, how sensitive I think I'm being, how careful I am, I still have a big mouth. And I'm afraid I always will.

Another winter Story

2011-02-01T20:11:00.003-06:00

I was born in Northeast Montana in one of the backwoods hospitals, in the middle of the worst snow storm anyone had seen in years. during my first few days, the snow drifts in the country grew to be ten feet tall. The plow tried to go through, but it broke and turned around, not to return for weeks.
My parents decided to take me out to the farm, where my grandparents were, where my brother was probably waiting to meet his sister. they couldn't drive all the way there, though. They met my grandpa there at the biggest snow drift with a snowmobile. They had me in a little box, wrapped up in blankets, so sure enough, they drove me the last couple of miles on a snowmobile. Four days old. Freezing cold.
That's where I'm from. Maybe that's why I like snow storms.

JJ

2011-01-28T14:50:00.005-06:00

Happy Birthday to my whirlwind daughter,
The Stinky-Pants Wonder
Sister indeed
Strong spirited, iron willed
tough-as-nails
Monster hair
Reckless snuggler
Joy of my heart.
Bringer of victory.
Evidence of God's grace,
poured abundantly on our lives

pain and purpose

2011-01-23T19:03:00.003-06:00

I apologize for the depressing posts lately. I have one more. Then I think I'll just keep it all bottled up inside after that.

So, I've always liked winter, and it hasn't ever been a super depressing struggle for me to get through. Until three years ago. That year winter lasted for-EVER. Even when it was over, it was still there. It was a long one on the records, and cold and snowy and just depressing for someone who was dealing with grief. And I sat at home a lot, wallowing in sorrow and tears.

Ever since then it hits me around this time of year. I can't figure out if it will ever stop. And like I've said before, I'm not sure I want it to because it's the only little piece I have of my Gracie.

Last week they did a skit for "sanctity of life" Sunday. It was supposed to be this girl who was getting ready to go to earth, and she peeked at her plan that had been written in the book of lives, how she would become a lawyer and raise kids, etc. But then at the end, there was a little note that said, "Although a beautiful plan has been written for her life, it will not come to pass." Then we realized that something on earth had happened, something bad, and she wouldn't make it there....
It was supposed to be an affirmation that life is precious and we should be supporting efforts of people who want to preserve babies' lives.
All I heard was, "Although your baby had a beautiful plan written for her life, it didn't happen."
Yeah. Perfect timing.
Daniel said he cried every time he saw it (he was on the praise band so he saw it four times) and didn't realize til the last time that that was why. Our little baby. Something went wrong. Something I had no control over. And so many pieces of me will always have questions and hurt and doubts. And no one wanted it to be this way.

So. If you see me crying during songs at church or looking a little "blue", just remember. January 29th. Written forever in my heart.

and I know

2011-01-21T17:03:00.000-06:00

That the world doesn't revolve around me
that everyone had legitimate reasons for not being able to hang out
that it doesn't matter anyway
that I have lots of really great friends
that my life is so great and I shouldn't complain.

I'm going to blame it on being husband-less all week. And the weather.

Loser

2011-01-21T16:25:00.002-06:00

No matter how old I get and what changes in life, I still find myself, so very often, dressed up with no place to go. Throwing parties that no one comes to. Not invited to the ones everyone else is going to. Introducing my friends to each other and finding that they like each other better than me.
Saying or doing something that a friend doesn't like and never hearing from them again.
Apparently I'm just not that fun to hang out with.
And today I'm freaking lonely. And I just wanted to go to a movie with some friends, but, out of at least twenty people, only two could come. And then those two had to change their plans.
And I'm alone.

Lost in Space

2011-01-14T18:54:00.006-06:00

Warning: this post contains nothing but complaining. Depression may ensue if you read on.

Ugh. I haven't recovered from "The Holidays" yet.
I think it's getting worse. Maybe it's seasonal affective disorder, or just lack of sunshine in general. Maybe it's some other chemical imbalance.
I'm tired all the time. The 2 year old wakes up at least once a night now, even though she could sleep through the night, she's reprogrammed herself some how. Ugh.
I wander around like a zombie. The last few days I feel like have been a haze. I'm doing the stuff I have scheduled, but I just don't really feel much. Except being annoyed and irritable. Which is great.
And I've been feeling like a complete failure in so many ways. Even if I tell myself it isn't true or it doesn't matter, I still feel like I suck at everything. And, I sort of do.
I guess it's just a "desert time". I have things to learn about myself and new mercies to experience and good things are still happening, but I'm weary. And that's just how it feels today. Maybe tonight I'll sleep well and it will all be OK tomorrow.

Letting Go

2011-01-04T18:12:00.003-06:00

I let my daughter stay the night at the neighbor's house tonight. She's only stayed with grandparents before. Definitely harder on Mommy than on her.

This is what letting go feels like
little by little bit by bit
a hug and a kiss and a wave over the shoulder
and then a shrug or nothing
and you'll walk out that door
And a little part of me is sad
and it wants to hold you here forever
with your sweet smile
and your hand in mine
But most of me knows I just have to face it
that little girls grow up
and this is what letting go feels like
losing a little piece of perfection
a moment that can never return
while I am reminded
and you have to learn
that the wonderful world
is full of darkness and danger
and I can't always keep you safe
even while beauty flourishes and little lights still shine
you have to know who you can trust.
And I don't want to do it
not now or ever
i tell myself you aren't ready
while you tell me you are.
and this is what letting go feels like
taking these hearts so easily broken
and putting them into Bigger Hands
while the dangers and darkness swirl around us
while the tides and cultures change
in the midst of time
while I can still hold your tiny hand in mine
I will teach you to let your little light shine.

New Years Eve

2010-12-31T19:51:00.004-06:00

when I was in high school, I started a tradition of writing in my journal every New Year's. I'd go through each month and mention something significant that happened.
This year, there was hardly anything significant. The year seems to have blurred into my husband being busy with work and having deployment dates pushed back three times, and endless days with the kids taking me on a roller coaster of every feeling they feel. Looking back its hard to even find any positive monuments in 2010. There were plenty of happy times and joyous moments, but the milestones this year were a different kind.
I joined an in depth Bible study in Feburary, studying the book of John. It was amazing to see things in a different light, things I'd studied and even memorized years earlier. I learned new things about the Holy Spirit and His role in my life, and about the way God views us as His sheep.
In March I enjoyed two getaways, one to the Women of Faith conference in Des Moines, and the other to Tennessee to visit my sister at college.
In the spring I tried my second attempt at gardening, yielding a very small harvest but learned a lot along the way.
The summer was another re-write of four weddings and a funeral (round 2, if you remember back a few years). This time it was family getting married. we enjoyed three beautiful weddings. Both of my husband's cousins who live in town hitched up this year, along with brother #4.
The funeral, of course was Grandma's. I still think about her. Just yesterday I found a picture at my mom's house of her in her crazy folding hat that she wore the last time she went to the parade with us. She was beautiful, and I hope that my life has half of the impact hers did on the world.
My brother deployed, which has made for many times with the empty chair at the family's table staring at us all. I miss him, and worry about him and find myself terribly concerned for his mental and physical welbeing.
Late in the fall, we made a big step on our house project by closing the building permit on the attic remodel. It's been an eternal project, and it still isn't finished. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm eager to begin 2011. I think the political state of the country is going to continue to be a big issue, and I'm fully expecting everything to get worse than it already is. But, in our little world, there are many joys and wonders to still to experience.
Earlier today Daniel played an old Twila Paris song on the guitar, "God is in control". I felt the truth deep in my heart.

This is no time for fear
This is a time for faith and determination
Don't lose the vision here
Carried away by emotion
Hold on to all that you hide in your heart
There is one thing that has always been true
It holds the world together

God is in control
We believe that His children will not be forsaken
God is in control
We will choose to remember and never be shaken
There is no power above or beside Him, we know
God is in control, oh God is in control

History marches on
There is a bottom line drawn across the ages
Culture can make its plan
Oh, but the line never changes
No matter how the deception may fly
There is one thing that has always been true
It will be true forever

He has never let you down
Why start to worry now?
He is still the Lord of all we see
And He is still the loving Father
Watching over you and me

watching over you...watching over me..
watching over every things..
watching over you..watching over me..
every little sparrow..every little things...

Happy New year everyone! I love you all, whether I know you or not. Thanks for reading!

Christmastime

2010-12-27T17:21:00.004-06:00

We've been busy the last few weeks. I'm kind of ready for things to settle down, but given hubby's work schedule, that's not going to happen for a while. But, here's what we've been up to (not in chronological order):

JJ's first Christmas opening presents. She wasn't too excited about it. I'd give her a gift and she'd say "noo." Then I'd open it and she'd grab the toy from me and forget what we were doing.

Black velvet jumpers $2.99 each. Red shirts=hand me downs Matching girls smiling for a picture=priceless. (This was before teh Christmas Eve service).
We made a gingerbread house together a few weeks before Christmas. You can't see a lot of details in this, but that's probably really good. We went with the Aldi's brand this year.
#1 Made a manger scene with her stuffed animals. There's a tiny baby Jesus in the middle. The doll is Mary and the cocker spaniel is Joseph I guess.
Christmas program at church. This was the last year dressing up as little angels. She LOVED it and actually sang this year. "Ring those bells, ring those bells..." That's her BFF to the front right, and two friends' boys on the left. And a pastor's kid on her direct right. It was awesome. I LOVE watching kids sing even if mine isn't up there.

You might notice #2 isn't really in most of these. That's because she's hard to take pictures of. And she mostly just whine and throws fits when we're trying to do activities, rather than participate. Since she's not even 2 yet.

There would be more but I haven't pilfered my sister's camera yet, so I guess that's all for now. Merry Christmas everyone!

What the Heck

2010-12-23T20:57:00.001-06:00

Just feel like saying this. Why is it, after like FIVE years of having something posted up on this blog, I am just NOW getting hits and comments about it??

Baby Born to Die

2010-12-20T14:22:00.002-06:00

It's been busy around here lately. I'm hoping things slow down soon. I think they should this week. Christmas plans are coming together. My sister gets home tomorrow from Tennessee, and my older brother might actually be able to come home too. He still doesn't know. My family might still go to Montana, though, depending on what the brother does.
I have my packages and cards sent, and just a couple more presents to purchase. This year my in-laws decided to spend time together instead of getting gifts, so we're traveling up to a resort in Wisconsin for a couple of days after Christmas. The kids will play in water parks and we'll hang out together. It should be fun.
Every year there's some song that really captures what I've thought about, and that I don't get sick of hearing after two times. This year I've listened to Bebo Norman's Christmas album a lot. I love his voice and the quiet folk sound, and I love that he uses hammered dulcimer and mandolins, and changes songs into nifty little tunes. There are two songs I like best out of his originals. This one kind of captures it for me. What Christmas means somewhere in my heart, beyond warm feelings and family time and little candies and cookies and wrapping papers and awesome movies. I have to dig it out of there and really think on it, but this helps me do it.


They never knew a dark night
always had the Son's light
on their face
Perfect in glory
Broken by the story
of untold grace...
come that day

Majesty had come down 
Glory had succumbed now 
to flesh and bone
In the arms of a manger
In the hands of strangers
that could not know
Just who they hold

Chorus:
And the angels filled the sky 
All of heaven wondered why
Why their King would choose to be 
Be a baby born to die

And all fell silent 
For the cry of an infant,
the voice of God
Was dividing history
For those with eyes to see,
the Son would shine
From earth that night

Chorus 

Bridge:
To break the chains
Of guilt and sin
To find us here 
To pull us in 
So we can join in Heaven's song
And with one voice around the throne

Chorus:
All the Angels filled the sky
And I can't help but wonder why 
Why this King would choose to be
Be a baby born for me
Be a baby born 
Be a baby born to die

A Winter Tale

2010-12-11T23:05:00.002-06:00

I was probably seven years old. We lived in a farm house that my folks rented. While we used the home and the yard, the farm around us operated by Ed Hynek and his family. We were used to having livestock on the property. Dad used the old chicken coop to raise his own goats, and we had a dog. Otherwise, the rest of the livestock was owned and taken care of by the landlord.
On a night after another storm had ripped through, dropping a foot of snow and temperatures down to the zeros, we all stayed in the warm little house together watching movies.
Then the landlord called. He'd asked my dad if he could take care of the animals, since he was snowed in behind drifts.
Mom had kept us inside all through the storm and the next day, saying it was too cold to go out. But now, Dad had said we could go help feed the cows with him. We bundled up in everything we had--extra pants, socks and shirts. Then snow boots, snow pants, thickest coats, mittens and hats. A hood on top of that. And a scarf to tie it all down.
A lot of the details have faded in my memory, but I'll always remember how still and quiet it was. And the stars were out in the black sky, and there was nothing to see or hear in that stillness but snow. It crunched under our feet while we tromped to the barn.
And then the welcoming scent of animals, and the windbreak of the giant white barn. There were two or three barns on the property but we weren't ever allowed to go inside of them. This was the cow barn. Today we climbed up the ladder to the hay loft, and Dad hoisted a couple of hay bails down to the cows below.
I don't know why I remember it so much. Just how cool it was that we were even outside, with negative thirty temps was amazing enough. And then I got to see my dad be something he normally wasn't. It's cool when someone has these hidden talents and smarts that most of the world doesn't get to know about. Mom told me that Ed liked having us live at the house because Dad knew how to handle animals.
Something about these winter storms and the still cold nights that follow always remind me of that first one I remember, bundled up from head to toe, face against the wind, headed to the white barn with my dad and brother. It makes me warm inside, even while I shiver.

Christmas is coming!

2010-11-30T13:46:00.008-06:00

I'm not the sort of person who becomes a sappy basket case over Christmas. I haven't been on the edge of my seat since October, waiting to throw in the holiday CD's (still haven't pulled them out), or bringing up boxes of decorations (haven't pulled them out either). But I love it for the simple pleasures, and really don't care about most of the things the general population thinks are so great. So, here are some ways I plan to enjoy this "season".

Church - I just like being at church this time of year and thinking about Christ and the beauty of His Mystery revealed to us.

Packages - I like putting together packages, and this year we have the usual overseas relatives, along with my little brother. Today I got the idea to send him a miniature Christmas tree to decorate (along with xbox controller, candy and hand warmers)

Giving - We have several opportunities this year to get gifts for families who need them. Our class at church is collecting a giant Christmas dinner and gifts for a whole family. And our church is participating in The Advent Conspiracy again this year, which is really awesome. Maybe I'll write more about that another time.

The Missionary Tree - We're doing something new this year, with our little 3-foot tree. I had different missionaries we know and support send a memento from their country, and we're going to use them to decorate the little tree. I also got a garland with globes on it and some extra ornaments with Bible verses. I'm hoping it will be a good thing for the kids to remember our missionaries who they never see. And for me to remember to pray for them.

Decorating - We don't go crazy, but I like to haul out the small decorations we have because they're all full of memories. Plus, it's a great excuse to get organized with the rest of the house and clean it all up. Yesterday I cleaned out the corners of our living room, where things accumulate for no reason.

Poetry - It's not like there are books full of Christmas poetry, at least not ones I enjoy, but I do like to listen to the words of songs and appreciate the deeper meaning behind them. Really, if I made a confession, I'd say how much I HATE Christmas music, but that's mostly because it's nine songs played over and over in whatever genre and mutilation is conceivable. This year, I'll be reading some Tennyson to try and find a good Christmas poem.

Cold Weather - That's about all there is to say about it. I just love it. and all the things it comes with (except for putting up stupid shrink wrap over the windows). Hot chocolate, fireplaces, sweaters, mittens, rosy cheeks, shivering. Scraping the windows. Snow. LOVE IT.

Well I'm sure there are more things, but that's my list right now. What about you? What do you love to do at Christmastime?

Thanksgiving

2010-11-26T20:32:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I didn't get a chance to post, on account of being a tthe in-laws all day. I'm so blessed. My family gets to join my in-laws so I don't have to be torn between the two families for Thanksgiving. We had a really nice time this year. The food was good, as usual. But of course, the company we kept was the best. It was a little more sparse this year, but I really enjoyed having time with everyone.
Missed my brothers like nuts. I miss Nathan and Shelly of course, but I've gotten used to their being gone. I really missed my little brother. I cried a lot. In the shower first thing that morning, realizing I would go and watch the parade at my folks' house all alone.
Then we sang at the in-laws, and he's always there every year during hymn time and requests a few songs. I bawled through "When the Roll is Called Up Yonder" because it's always been one of his favorite.
I missed him again today. It's just a lonely feeling when someone who's always been a part of your life isn't there. Harder yet when you know he could die any day. (Hes in Afghanistan in the middle of nowhere and doesn't have showers or computers or internet access or phones. It sucks).
So. That was Thanksgiving. But I had a really good time being with everyone, and I love them all.

Masks

2010-11-23T19:11:00.002-06:00

We started a new book in my small group. I'll probably be writing about it a lot. I'm leaving in five minutes to go discuss the new chapter. It's called "Beyond the Masquarade" by Julianna Slattery, and it's about authenticity and what it looks like for a person who walks with God.
The first chapter just discussed masks, how we all have things that we use to cover who we really are. Things we hide behind to keep people from seeing into our hearts. some of them are good things, like being "the helpful one" or "the girl who always smiles" or "a good leader". Those are good attributes, but not healthy when they become so much a part of our identity that we are unable to seperate ourselves from them. When we use them to put up walls between ourselves and others.
I've been thinking about what my masks are this week. It's been hard, really. Partly hard to think of anything that really is a mask. Partly hard just because, no one wants to expose the depths of their soul. Even to herself. Looking deep inside oneself requires an honesty that doesn't come easily. And usually the result is change, which isn't always pain-free either.
So. That's where I'm at now. I'll probably write more in the next week, but life is just really freaking busy right now. I want to spend more time doing this, but it's hard to squeeze it in. Since it's last on my list of priorities.
Anyway, enough about that for now. Hope you're all having a great week, and that you enjoy your holidays.

My New "Friend"

2010-11-13T14:49:00.004-06:00

Today my father-in-law took me to the gun show. I didn't know what was going to happen but he told me he wanted to get me an LCR for my brithday/Christmas. Because he's awesome. And I was a little jealous of his own revolver.
This is my new friend. :) I picked this one because I liked the handle fit better. Since most guns are made for men. And it's light-weight, which was really nice for a wimp like me. It has laser sites built in and dual action trigger so I don't have to worry about much if I ever need to use it. Which hopefully never ever happens.I just had to share my joy with someone. And ignore that this is a link. I don't really know why blogger thinks it is.

Nothing much to say

2010-11-08T19:30:00.002-06:00

Last week was busy and full. My brother-in-law visited from Asia for the week, so we all hung out a lot. Late. One night he was over and played guitar with my husband. So we were up late singing and talking. Another night he was over and played computer games. And we played bananagrams too. I don't know why I play games with him. We just argue. Another night the whole family was out, which was great. My newest sister-in-law and I got a chance to talk which was great. We planned a skiing trip. :D It was really nice to be together with Nathan too.
It was a good week. But kind of wore me out too. I love that guy, but we get in weird arguments with each other.
I want to write something fantastic tonight, but I don't have anything to say. I'm in a writing mood, but none of my projects are interesting to me right now. And I don't have any great new ideas yet. I tried twice to write a couple of articles for a mom's group newsletter, and they thoroughly sucked. I don't know what's wrong, but I can't seem to focus or think clearly lately.
And I don't feel like reading much either. I've finished a couple of shallow novels, and I have these other nonfiction books on deck, but I can't really focus to read them.
This is just boring rambling but my writing sucks lately so I don't watn to try to put together a meaningful post because it would suck. Maybe later this week.
Times like this I wish I played piano so I could sit and get out all of my artistic angst. Oh well. I think I'll just go to sleep instead.

School Busses and Snowball Fights. And the Dukes.

2010-10-29T21:54:00.002-05:00

I grew up with brothers on both sides of me. One two years older, one two years younger. My sister came along when I was seven. So, much of my early childhood was spent playing with legos, guns, and cars. I didn't have barbies until I was about 10. I never owned strawberry Shortcake or Ponies or anything like that. I was at the mercy of my BFF for those things when I stayed at her house.
I was remembering today what we used to do. How my older brothre and I used to play the Dukes of Hazard outside. we'd roll down the windows in the Buick station wagon and hop in. We had a CB radio... I think my folks actually had a real one, but it might have just been fake. Anyway, it was real good fun. We also played the A-Team and probably MacGyver.
My younger brother was different. When i was home with him while my older brother was at school, we played with toys mostly. We loved our Little People, and that was probably what we played with most. We also had this Tupperware bus that came apart into a school, and it had a playground you assembled as well. We played with that a lot too.
I don't suppose that's super relevant. But I've been thinking of my brother, because he's been deployed and will be in Afghanistan for the next 9 months. I think that I was fortunate to grow up with brothers who actually liked me and hung out with me.
We played board games a lot, and still do. And there were the snowball fights. After Dave hit his growth spurt, he was six foot four. And every year, it got harder and harder to dupe him in the snowball world. He's a formidable foe.
Sometimes he calls me up when the snow just starts to melt and invites us all out for a snowball fight. I don't know why I bother, because we get clobbered.
This post doesn't have much of a point. Except that I'm going to miss him. He's always around. He drives an hour down from college to be there whenever family's in town, for birthdays or holidays or whenever he feels like it. And this year, there will be a lot of empty nights at the folk's house this year. Even though we all argue with each other, I think we're about as tightly-knit as it comes.
I just hope that those years of A-Team, Batman, and Cowboys pays off for him some way in the battle field.

I Spy with My Little Eye

2010-10-26T21:56:00.002-05:00

A pumpkin pie!
Okay. Lameness. We grew a garden this year, and most of it, I really just screwed up. I accidentaly uprooted the peas right after they started producing; I didn't think the carrots so they were all grainy and dry; the spinach got eaten by rabbits and didn't taste that good anyway; the watermellon didn't even make it past sprouts. The corn got blown over by a bad storm, and I lifted it back up and propped them up with wires, but then the bugs got to the corn when it sprouted, and then the ones that made it got attacked by racoons and hail. So. The one thing that made it and overflowed in abundance were pumpkins. We also had asparagus but since it was the first year, we couldn't eat them. They just had to sprout and spread and then they'll grow back every year.
I don't even like pumpkins. We had a lot because I thought the transplants weren't going to make it, so I planted extra seeds in the mounds, and then they all made it and overgrew the entire garden.
Anyway, all that to say. Today was rainy and windy, so I thought "what a great day to use these pumpkins!" I brought in a couple, but after doing the work with two kids on one of the pumpkins, I decided that was enough work and not to do another. The seeds are slimy and I don't even like them but my husband does, so i kept them to roast later.
I baked the pumpkin and scooped out the pulp with the help of my three-year-old. Fiasco. Blended it, and then followed a recipe to make a pie.
I love pumpkin pie, but I don't love pumpkin. Dessert shouldn't taste like vegitables. I like the canned kind better. Ha.
But my husband likes it. The kids will like it too. So I guess it was worth it. but too stressful to really do it again. If anyone wants to try their own, I have two pumpkins left. :)

The AWOL Blogger

2010-10-26T21:53:00.000-05:00

Augh! You know what drives me nuts? when people start a blog and don't finish it. Not a blog entry, but an actual blog. Like... you find this great reading and you really like it, and then it peters off and doesn't exist anymore. No goodbye. No referral to another site. Just no more posts. I hate it! Just complaining.
I had a friend who was writing this great story on his blog. Then he stopped and never finished it. Drives me nuts!

Getting off [my butt]

2010-10-22T14:37:00.003-05:00

So. Lately I've been realizing how "unmotivated" I've been. And realizing how Christians re-label things that are actually sinful, making them sound less so. Such as the aforementioned example. Laziness? Yeah. That's me. I'm freaking tired. And I hate how messy my house is and the general chaos around me, but I'm lazy and don't fix it whenI have the chance, and then I live with it longer, and it actually becomes a bigger problem and more exhausting to deal with.
And I've noticed that it seeps into every area of my life, when I let it take over in one. Like, if I'm too lazy to clean my house, I'm also too lazy to go do my Bible study or play with my kids. And when I'm too lazy for things like that, I get exhausted rather than energized by those things, and then I'm even more lazy about everything else in life. I stop putting forth effort in anything, actually. And then I sit and take naps and really don't get a lot done.
So. Here's the thing. I've been kind of convicted actually. To stop calling it "unmotivated" or "tired" and just call it lazy. And, in calling it that, realize that it's wrong to be lazy. Not only is it stupid and makes me into a more worthless person, but it's actually something God doesn't like. This "word of wisdom" came to mind:

Proverbs 6
⁴ Allow no sleep to your eyes,
no slumber to your eyelids.

⁵ Free yourself, like a gazelle from the hand of the hunter,
like a bird from the snare of the fowler.

⁶ Go to the ant, you sluggard;
consider its ways and be wise!

⁷ It has no commander,
no overseer or ruler,

⁸ yet it stores its provisions in summer
and gathers its food at harvest.

⁹ How long will you lie there, you sluggard?
When will you get up from your sleep?

¹⁰ A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest-

¹¹ and poverty will come on you like a bandit
and scarcity like an armed man.

Of course we don't see it like that in our society. But I think I want to. I want to be industrious and useful and make the most of my time. Not with things that are outside of my abilities and desires, but with daily things I need to do and with things I do enjoy.

So that's all I have on that for now. Just felt like sharing. Maybe I will share my steps of action next. Because I have some. And one includes getting off the computer more often. :)

Innocence and Dreams

2010-10-15T18:58:00.005-05:00

This was supposed to be posted last week, but I got busy and then I was sick so I'm just now getting a chance to say it. Sorry. I know you all hang on my every word.

On Infant Loss Remembrance Day, you get to think about the baby or babies you lost. It's a bittersweet thing, because it's hard to remember those few precious moments, and yet, it seems as if so many things try to push those memories out of your mind as every year passes.
When you lose an adult child, or one who's lived a few years, you have so many more memories. So many more unfulfilled dreams and mementos left behind. And no one expects you to "forget" or "move on". They don't tell you "at least you have other kids" or "God just couldn't stand to be separated from him, he was so special" or stupid things like that (they think of other stupid things to say in that situation).
When you lose an infant, what's mostly lost is innocence and dreams. You lose the innocence of sweet thoughts and baby bundles and all of the cute things you do when you're pregnant. You lose the innocence of a good night's sleep, and of daydreaming. Because you know all of that can be gone in just a few moments.
And you lose your dreams. When a baby is born, he is just a big bundle of potential. You get to wonder about what they'll like, who they'll marry, what their personality will be, which parent they'll look like. And, as they grow, you see those thoughts and dreams and questions fulfilled.
When a baby dies, you don't even get a glimpse of those things. You just wish, and wish harder for it all to come back. For the chance to wonder and imagine.
The site I pulled that butterfly from is dedicated to remembrance of little ones. She makes butterflies in the sand, because the beautiful creatures are never around for very long before they float away into the sky and you never see them again.
But a baby never truly goes away. Don't ever look at a woman who lost a baby and think, "She's probably gotten over it by now." Once a mother, always a mother. Once a dream, always a dream.

Lap of Loser Luxury

2010-10-11T20:48:00.002-05:00

So... I really don't have anything to say. Two weeks ago and several weeks prior to that, I went into "work widow" mode because my husband started having to put in late hours at work. He had a big demo for the big military folks and other customers and they weren't ready so it was rush rush rush. Now that let up for a couple of weeks, but I think it will pick up again here soon.
So, I've been filling my time doing what any self-respecting housewife would. Eating chocolate, gallivanting around the city on random errands that really could have waited, and, at night, watching seasons 5 and 6 of "Little House on the Prairie" and "Star Trek the next Generation" while indulging in frozen cookies from Schwans. Don't hate. It's just wholesome entertainment.
So.
Today I went to Half-Price books and picked up a stack of books. Two in a series I've been reading over the last few years, and then, because of my aforementioned television interests, 4 Little House on the Prairie books. I've wanted to have them around for my kids anyway, but I thought it would be fun to read them. Takes like a day. I haven't read any of them since 4th grade, I'm pretty sure, so I guess it wouldn't hurt.
Today I amused myself by thinking of Douglas Adams quotes to insert into daily life. "LIfe. Don't talk to me about life. It's too depressing."
It isn't too depressing, in fact, it feels pretty good.

And this is a really random post.
I deemed this week "Significant other week" because we got to meet two of our siblings' "others". Brother #5 brought a girl home for the weekend and took her to a house-raising party that we were at (think 7 brides for 7 brothers. Only there were three brothers there and a dad. And then another family of 8. Yeah. We have a great time). So I got to meet that lovely lady, and again at a family meeting we held at Taco Bell on Sunday, in which we discussed Christmas plans. She didn't discuss. She just watched us. Fortunately (?) only 2/3 of us were actually there, so maybe it was less intimidating. She didn't seem intimidated, anyway.
My sister got home on Sunday with her boy in tow. I met him for five seconds when I visited her last spring. He impressed me then, and he seems like a pretty great guy in 3 hours time too. Tomorrow we're all going to the apple orchard together and having Chinese at mom's in the evening. It should be great.
That's about all I have to say. I just felt like it was time to check in and write something, since it's been a while. Now you know. Life just ain't too exciting around here.

Things I Don't Say on Facebook

2010-09-30T20:02:00.003-05:00

Don't take this seriously, OK? This is totally tongue-in-cheek since I post a billion things no one else cares about. But, sometimes... often... I just have these thoughts:

Why did you just "like" that? What difference does it make to anyone if you "like" that or not?

No, my kids aren't my world. I have plenty more going on in here than just them.

I think we've heard enough about your health issues.

Yeah, I opened the door this morning and felt the weather too. Thanks, Captain Obvious.

You hate snow; you hate rain; you hate heat. Why do you live in Iowa?

Go to bed, you idiot. All you're going to post tomorrow is how tired you are.

I don't care what you ate tonight. Really, it just makes me feel bad that I only made mac and cheese for my kids.

Please. Keep that to yourself.

You do realize that all 452 of your so-called "friends" just read that?

Hey, depression is your own issue. Don't take it out on me.

Facebook is NOT a good platform for political debates. I'd actually rather not know your opinions. Really, it's true.

Poking is pointless. So very, very pointless.

Facebook is also not a good platform to promote your business. Unless you want to make a business fan page. Then it's OK. An occasional post is fine. But I'd rather hear about your life. Oh wait, that's your kids. I read that on one of your random "likes" that I didn't care about.

Why are we even "friends" when we ignore each other in real life?

OK. The sarcasm must stop. I have to reign it in or it gets out of control. Anyone want to add something? I think it's funny.

Losing friends (angry rant. I apologize ahead of time).

2010-09-26T19:52:00.002-05:00

I can't really think of any old friends who I stopped liking. Plenty of them have stopped liking me, though. I don't really know how it happens, but I think somewhere along the line they realize how boring I actually am and find someone who they like better.
i mean, I can remember all of the times it happened through the years with almost all of my "best friends". And I hate it! I just want to complain about it, so don't keep reading if you don't want to know.
I know it's the natural course of relationships to move on and make new friends and whatever. What bothers me is how easily I'm replaced. I hate being the back burner friend, but so often I'm the one people put off, knowing that I'm lame enough to always be available and want to pick up where we left off. But eventually I think they realize that life is going fine without me in the picture, so... on to new and better things.
Before you tell me I'm imagining, let me just lay out some scenarios. True stories from my life.
1) Third Grade: Best friend is in a different class and actually asks me if it's OK with me if she plays with other kids during recess.
2) forth grade: They made a new class mid-year by taking out kids from every class. The only kids from my class that I was friends with were moved, and they really never talked to me again.
3) Seventh grade: My whole group of friends close off the lunch table to me and stop inviting me to do things with them. True story.
4) Eighth grade. Friend who has been close friend and family friend since third grade decides to be popular, thus leaving me in the shadows and completely ignoring me thereafter.
5) Ninth grade: the only friends I had from middle school both wanted to seek their fame in high school. After hanging out a little first semester, they made better friends and never talked to me again.
6) Ninth grade: I left the church, and the one guy I ever really liked and probably would have dated eventually called me up to argue about it. Unresolved argument. He never called again.
7) First year of college: Best friend, very best friend I ever had, has some biff with me that she never shared. I'm kind of dense and didn't realize it, and kept trying to call her and chat online, and i think she actually started hating me all the while. She came out of the closet and didn't tell me, and I guess i did something terribly wrong that year because I think she truly hates me. It breaks my heart because I really loved her.

Those are real examples, completely unexaggurated. I don't know what the "thing" is about me. I can't tell if it's an ideal problem, because a lot of clsoe friends I had shared the same values and then moved away from them. What pisses me off about that the most is that I WASN"T THE ONE WHO CHANGED yet they put words in my nmouth and thoughts in my head and decide what I think about them, personally, just because I might not agree about some new idea they've adopted. Yes, I'm opinionated. No, I'm not a hater.

Or maybe the problem is what I've always suspected. That people find me dull on almost every level. Or that no one gets me. And really hardly anyone really does, but I'm not a picky friend. I just like to be called once in a while or sent an email, or invited to do something. I don't mind being the one to initiate even, but after about six tries, I get discouraged and just can't get myself to be rejected again.

So if you ever wanted to know what my deepest source of insecurity is, that's it.

Whole and Wholly Loved

2010-09-22T12:22:00.000-05:00

To scarlet, my lovely friend with a broken heart:

you go home and cry yourself to sleep
aching from the loneliness
and all of those scars that keep burning, even when day is done.
You know how alone you are
even when you're with the people who know you best
and you hurt.

Then for once in your life you met someone
who saw past the outside
into your soul, knew your true beauty came from within
rather than just the painted smile and intellectual eyes
you felt the connection
because he was the only one
who really knew all of you
but let you be OK there anyway
and didn't mind the mess.
He valued you for all of you
not just pieces or parts of the whole.
but saying goodbye is all you can do
when reality hits home.
and there you are
picking up the pieces
painting your masks
wishing that for once it would have worked.
you mourn losing him
when you never had him
and what you really miss is who he made you be
and what he saw in you that no one else could.

The loneliness consumes you
in the darkness of day
and you chase shadows of what's real
because it's all you think you deserve
but the secret of love is uncovered with patience
and some day
there will be someone who sees all of you
and likes what he sees
the mosaic of heartache and strength and loveliness and longing
and maybe then you can take off the mask
and be the beautiful you
with all of the creativity and depth you were meant to show.
but for now, you have to hold on to the one who couldn't have you
because it's the only glimpse you really have
and that's the shame of these broken lives
missing pieces of their heart
you shouldn't be one.
You should be whole and wholly loved.

Who is Chew?

2010-09-18T21:47:00.005-05:00

For starters, he's the guy in the back left of this picture. (And that's me in the front right. Seventh grade. Bad hair day. Great day in the annals of Kristin time.)
He was also my Bible quiz coach, a man who noticed me and appreciated me, and just one heck of a man. We celebrated his work in the church today at a retirement party. While I was there, reminiscing with friends and looking back at the history of this great program, I came to appreciate Bill Chew in an even greater way. Because he made Bible quiz what it was when I was there.

I hated youth group in middle school. I was at best, completely ignored. One night we broke into small groups to do some stupid worksheet, and I was in Bill Chew's group with another quizzer. I wasn't in Bible quiz yet, but when I answered one of the questions, he invited me to join the team. I'd wanted to ever since I'd seen the 1988 team do a sample match in church before they went to nationals. I jumped on board, and had no idea what I was getting into.

What I got into was amazing. For once, I was good at something. What I did on the team mattered. I mattered. And that was what I loved the most. I happened onto a banner year with a good team of two who needed a third, so I got to be third. For two more years after that, I stuck around, memorizing the Bible and competing with other teens in the state and region. I loved it. I have those trophies up in the attic in a box, and whenever they resurface, I spend a moment reflecting on those great times with my friends. And how Bill Chew didn't care about winning and losing and who had the most points, but about kids studying the Bible and falling in love with it. How his big goal was to teach us to learn it for ourselves. How he knew that God's word would not return void.

What sticks out to me in my memory was how people--especially kids, mattered to him. Even the ones who weren't on his team. You wouldn't meet a friendlier guy. I always felt welcome on the team and encouraged, yet still challenged to keep working harder. Today one of the moms spoke about how he was a role model, a solid, grounded man of God who cared and sympathized. I think when I was quizzing I took it for granted. Because he was a great coach. We all agreed on that today.

He will be marked in the pages of my life as a significant part of my spiritual growth. The things he taught stay with me. And so does the Word of God.

This was my team the last year I was there. A great group of gals, so fun to hang out with. I miss it so often, and I can't wait until my kids can join the ranks of Bible geeks!

And this is Grace

2010-09-17T22:47:00.002-05:00

So I'm writing tonight. Not here, well... here, but I'm also working on my story. And in the midst of it, I realized that this has become a theme in my life the last couple of weeks: Grace.
I was talking with a friend about meds for mood disorders and other mental illnesses. Some people think you shouldn't take them, and just have more faith that God will heal your sore sick mind. I'm more under the impression that you can't always control what your hormones and chemicals are doing, btu if you can use some synthetic chemicals to help balance things out, you'll be more of who you were made to be. and when you're who you were made to be, you're fulfilled and whole, and God can use you for what He always planned.
It doesn't sound like the two thoughts connect, but I think I can make them. See, what i'm discovering while writing this story (which personally I think is going to be really good) is that God's grace is intended to be a part of every aspect of your life. Not now, but the past as well. And the future and the daily boring things and the big events that change who we are, and all of the in betweens that may or may not seem like they matter.
They matter.
Because every one of them is an opportunity for us to see God's grace at work.
On top of that, if we can understand how His grace saturates our own hearts, then it is easier to extend grace to others. Our pastor talked about this a couple of weeks ago. How you can't go and help out people living in poverty unless you understand that without God's grace, we are all doomed to poverty. Because poverty isn't lack of funds or things or abilities. It's the lack of relationships.
I like to think that my life is pretty much perfect. That I do things right and I deserve the good things that happen. And when I get in that mind set, I forget that I owe it to God. He's given me so much more than I deserve (grace). When I'm in that mindset, it affects how I see others. And when I deserve what I have, others deserve what they have, good or bad. When I'm not worthy of God's grace, neither is anyone else.
And when I realize that it is a gift to me, then I can freely bestow it on others, realizing that it all comes from God, who gives without ho9lding back.
A Sara Groves song says, "this is grace, and invitation to be beautiful".
I think, when we see Grace for what it is and how it fills our hearts and lives, we become who God wants us to be. We become more whole. We become free. Beautiful.
But it's an invitation, because, the very nature of grace demands that it isn't forced upon you.

So what's that mean for me? Constant reminding of God's gift, and the sacrificing love of Christ. What's it mean for you? You decide. Are you going to accept the invitation to be beautiful?

Old Thresher's Reunion

2010-09-13T20:38:00.004-05:00

Every Labor Day since I've known him, my husband talks about going to the Old Thresher's Reunion. It's basically a big museum of old farming equipment that is assembled by thousands of different owners who bring it to the grounds once a year. It's sort of got the atmosphere of a fair, with funnel cakes and a crafts hall and a grandstand with shows. but it's mostly centered around old machinery.
I'll say, it was better than I expected. but the parts I found interesting were NOT the parts my husband likes. But we took the kids and picked up my folks on the way down and spent half a day there for fun. We had a nice time. Here are some pictures.

Arlene liked looking at the steam powered tractors. Daniel liked them more.
We rode one of the trains. There are two that circle around the premesis. It looks like one from the old west, and they do a train robbery show every hour. We weren't on one of the robbed trains because we figured it would scare the kids.

This is just a sample of the crazy things there are to see there.

Long walk back to the van after a long day. Arlene loves Grandpa.

Leadership

2010-09-09T17:45:00.002-05:00

Have you ever wondered what it is about some people that always gets them appointed to be in charge of things? Is it good leadership skills that are some how obvious to everyone they meet? Being likeable?
I don't know why, but it bothers me sometimes. Why are certain people chosen over others? Do you have to be flashy to make the right impression?
I'm thinking mostly in the church, but it happens everywhere. I think a lot of the reason it bothers me is because I'm jealous. But partly because I feel like I have gifts that are completely overlooked just because I'm not outgoing or showy. And I get it. Especially in "real life" like working. Flashy beautiful people get chosen, even if there's someone just as qualified.
But it's not supposed to be like that in the church.
I've been thinking about it way too much. And I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, because I go to a really great church. Maybe I just don't say enough when I should, or know the right people or talk to the right people about what I want to be.
Or maybe I come across as boring and plain and that isn't what people prefer when they're choosing leaders. I get it. I was usually one of the last kids picked for the team. But I don't want it to be that way my whole life.
Nor am I willing to be someone different.
If I ever get a book published, I bet I'll get chosen for all kinds of things then. Because then people will know that I'm actually really articulate. And I love public speaking. And I'm artistic and witty and sarcastic and deep and spiritual. Oh, Someday, come soon, will you?

Growing UP

2010-09-03T18:05:00.002-05:00

I just read an article about how young people today are hesitant to "settle in" and get married, and even when they do, it's all about how they feel and how happy the other person makes them. Wondering what people think about that?
i had a thought about how that works. Why young adults these days have no work ethic, are irresponsible and in general would rather not settle in and become a productive member or society (speaking generally, of course). Of course there are a billion factors and exceptions to those generalizations, but research is showing these trends.
I wonder. If the reason young adults don't want to "grow up" is because they didn't have happy childhoods. I think kids these days "grow up" too fast. They take on a lot of responsibilities because of absentee parents, and whatever expectations they have. They seem to be ruling the roots, as it were, and so as they grow up thinking they're the one in charge, the reality of "real life" comes as a shock. They're already tired of feeling responsible and in a backwards way, raising their parents and family, so they're ready to let loose and play for a while.
It's just something I wonder about. I'm interested to know what others think. I'm not speaking of specific individuals or families. Just general trends that I've noticed and read about. I have lots of opinions about it, but I'll spare you.